Confused after following doctors advice - now have met someone

Hi,

Feeling very panicky this morning. Not sure if it's warranted. But it's a bad moment.

Bit of history - since breaking up with my ex over a year ago I dated and slept with 4 women during that time (very unusual for me but the last 12 months has been a bit struggle and I don't think I've coped very well tbh). The last one I "think" had HPV (about 5 months ago), which came up in a test. Having no idea what this was my doctor calmed me down explaining how common it is and unless you live in a box that by my age (40) you'll get it at some point. I guess from reading about how common it is, he's right. To give you some idea about me, I was a virgin until 26, was with one woman for 2 years, another for a year, and my ex for 7 years. So I've not slept around much. So since my ex, all this HPV stuff has totally freaked me out as I've been living outside of this subject basically my whole life. :( I don't think I'm someone who sleeps around.

Since finding out I had HPV about 5 months ago I got put on the vaccine and got a download from my doctor. He said even if I test again for it in the months ahead, it might not show up, so don't bother. Well, I did, and tested negative and positive again in the same month. Ok - so I'll stick to his advice...

I had a long conversation with my doctor about disclosure when it comes to dating. He said you can still date, and that I have no idea what people have - case in point whoever gave it to me. So even if I have one type of HPV, the other person could have several, or some other STD. So assuming you're the one with an STD which could get passed on is mad. Ok - that made sense. Date anyway. So I said well what do I tell people? He said you don't know what they've got, so at the dating stage don't worry about it.

Being 5 months down the line and on the vaccine I was honestly not worried, and thought well I can't be sure what somebody has got. I am dating a woman and we had protected sex. Now I'm killing myself and blaming myself because I really like her. So the reality of being in a dating situation is biting at me. What makes things even worse is that I don't think she's had many (if any) sexual partners before, and we are really into each other - I mean emotionally, like this could go somewhere. Like when you hold hands and it feels amazing, when you hug it feels amazing. I did not expect this at all. The intoxication of this has maybe affected me, and now stepping back I'm feeling like a terrible person. Maybe I am. I have no idea??? It just hit me this morning.

I thought previously that I anyone I was with would have their own history and so talking about this would be okay - but as it stands, I don't think it would go well and she would say bye bye. That would be my fault, and I would deserve it I guess. This is just awful. Over the past few months everywhere I turn there is a conflicting view of some kind. This was my entire conversation with my doctor - how on earth to pick a path through this? It is beyond confusing and just spiraling in my head right now.

I do get a bit obsessive over things, and I don't have friends to bounce ideas off and ground me in reality. :( I feel like crying. (just think of my brain as more like a woman than a guy btw).

Wait a minute. There's no HPV test for men, so I'm a bit confused. Are you assuming you have HPV because your last girlfriend had it? Or did you have genital warts? You said you got tested for it. There's also 40 different kinds of HPV and just about everyone who has sex gets at least one of them, and there are no symptoms so I think you're panicking for nothing and I wonder if you misunderstood your doctor. So calm down and if you can clarify things, please do.

They give Gardasil shots to people over 40?

Wait a minute. There's no HPV test for men, so I'm a bit confused. Are you assuming you have HPV because your last girlfriend had it? Or did you have genital warts? You said you got tested for it. There's also 40 different kinds of HPV and just about everyone who has sex gets at least one of them, and there are no symptoms so I think you're panicking for nothing and I wonder if you misunderstood your doctor. So calm down and if you can clarify things, please do.

Hiya - yes there is a test for HPV. They take a swab for it and can detect all the low and high risk types. I did not have any warts. And yes, he said just about everyone gets it and it's symptom-less.

They give Gardasil shots to people over 40?

Yes - although usually used for young people they give it to adults too.

Same questions as Seraphim and DanZee...

Anyway, you should tell her. Yes, doctors do give that advice, but what if she gets it and THEN you have to tell her that you hid it from her? That's worse. You said you had protected sex, and are you free of symptoms (warts)? If so, then if she's in good health she may not have gotten it from you yet. It is super prevalent and usually pretty harmless, but it should be her choice if she wants to be exposed or not. I know many people in your boat so don't feel so bad. Don't smoke and stay healthy yourself. Tell her you listened to your doc and that's why you at first thought you didn't need to mention it.

Are you in the US?

Same questions as Seraphim and DanZee...

 

Anyway, you should tell her. Yes, doctors do give that advice, but what if she gets it and THEN you have to tell her that you hid it from her? That's worse. You said you had protected sex, and are you free of symptoms (warts)? If so, then if she's in good health she may not have gotten it from you yet. It is super prevalent and usually pretty harmless, but it should be her choice if she wants to be exposed or not. I know many people in your boat so don't feel so bad. Don't smoke and stay healthy yourself. Tell her you listened to your doc and that's why you at first thought you didn't need to mention it.

Yes, protected sex and no symptoms for me. You know people who went through this? I don't - if you have any stories to share good or bad that would help. :) So I have some reality data points ...

Ok - honesty in this situation is okay right? I absolutely agonised about this when speaking to my doctor, he probably thought I was crazy. I honestly thought okay this is the only way I can go forward, and yes, it's why I at least thought it didn't need to be brought up at that stage.

Are you in the US?

No not in the US - but in another very well developed country and city in Asia.

Ok - so I have written down what I would say. It's honest and reading it back I don't sound like a horrible person actually. I'm prepared for her making the choice of not seeing me again. Logically there is no other way forward anyway. I feel better having worked through the thought process here.

Well, just to be clear, and you can take it or leave it, but here in the US there is no federally approved test for HPV and there is no cure. HPV usually clears up on its own and it's only when it causes genital warts or cancer that it's even discovered or causes problems. You can Google it yourself and see. From my point of view, what your doctor told you and did is a bunch of hooey.

Well, just to be clear, and you can take it or leave it, but here in the US there is no federally approved test for HPV and there is no cure. HPV usually clears up on its own and it's only when it causes genital warts or cancer that it's even discovered or causes problems. You can Google it yourself and see. From my point of view, what your doctor told you and did is a bunch of hooey.

Does this mean I'm blowing this out of proportion? I'm so confused now. Googling just makes things worse.

Do you mean HSV? Herpes? Giving someone a vaccine for a viral disease they already have is pointless. All you can do is wear condoms, inform your partners and follow up with your doctor.

Does this mean I'm blowing this out of proportion? I'm so confused now. Googling just makes things worse.

Oh god, no! I am a microbiologist and I am flabbergasted at what I am hearing right now. You have been extremely wreckless with this woman's health so you don't have to bear the social consequences of your status. Your doctor had a conversation about disclosure and you didn't disclose your status to this woman you just recently had sex with?! You don't realize what you've done? This behavior is illegal in my country, if you have infected her without disclosing this information to her and you knew of your status before having sex.

Please for the love of god, stop everything and tell her. HPV is dangerous for women, we get regular screenings for this virus so we don't get cancer. While it does not always cause cancer or other adverse symptoms, thousands of women die of HPV each year:

https://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfact-hpv.htm

I can't even fathom how angry she will be, if she has any awareness of this virus at all. You need to tell her ASAP so she can start preventative measures with her doctor, as prevention methods are more effective than after development of the conditions associated with HPV.

Well, just to be clear, and you can take it or leave it, but here in the US there is no federally approved test for HPV and there is no cure. HPV usually clears up on its own and it's only when it causes genital warts or cancer that it's even discovered or causes problems.

Incorrect.

Some strains clear up on their own. Some do not.

I am a microbiologist.

For all things on this thread biology-related, as to whether strains clear up or not, etc., I'll defer to yatsue, who does this for a living.

For the ethical dilemma you face, I'll weigh in: Do not have sex, protected or otherwise, with one more person until you tell them this story. This includes your current girl.

I agree--- you should not have sex with ANYONE. If you have a strain that is curable, then stay on whatever medication or whatever your doc says until you are absolutely clear and ALSO tell ALL women after you are clear that you had it so they can make the free choice whether to have sex with you or not - and NOT in the heat of the moment. you tell them when you before you fall in love with eachother/make a commitment or before you have sex so there is no pressure to have sex because you are in the heat of the moment.

I had to go back and re read the original post and I'm sorry, but you seemed to hear what you wanted to while getting advise from your doctor.

You went fwd (good on you for using protection) but it only now concerns you when you met someone you have a connection with and consider some what inexperienced?

You do realize how that sounds?

Would your post exist if it was someone else?