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Thread: Why is this wrong?

  1. #1
    Member
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    Mar 2017
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    Why is this wrong?

    I hate that the greatest lie I've ever told is "I'm fine." It has never nor will it ever be the truth. I am not being emotional anymore. This is not some thought because of some emotionally shattering event. This wish for death, to stop existing in the world doesn't go away when I genuinely smile or laugh. It doesn't go away when everything that could go right, does just that. This is thought out. I know The unfortunate people that I may hurt. I know the consequences. I know what I want So why is it wrong? Why is almost every suicide attempt treated the same? Every time I go to therapy or to those hospitals after a 5150, all I hear is about how things get better. How I might get through this. The gist is they think those feelings will settle down enough for me to live a life and finally see the bright colors of life one day. They think I just want to do this because of a momentary laps in judgment. I want this. I want to die and the only reason I'm not now is because they made the easiest and most effective ways to carry this out impossible for me. They made it so I can be "Saved" ff I try again on pills, cutting, or some other slow method of death. I do not want to be saved. I do not want to go into this then wake up in some hospital. I do not want to one day wake up from this and be put into a life with even more hurdles and disabilities, or even just be put in a coma. I do not want to became even more burdening to someone else. I just want to die. To do it in a way I cant come back, and a way I wont wake up to even more hardships to bare for myself and those around me. Why does everyone say its wrong for me to want this? That its wrong for me to try and carry this out on my own? I just wish to fade out. I've worked now for so long just to put myself in a position where me just dying and disappearing will have the least amount of emotional strain on those around me. I know family and friends and all that say they'll be heart broken but time heals. They will move on with their lives and carry out their dreams. They'll have their wants and I'll have mine. This 5150 has 4 more years to go. After that I go. I just really hope no one tries to stop me

  2. #2
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    If you truly believe "time heals" (your own words), why wouldn't that apply to you?

  3. #3
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    Hi Furrehjohnson

    You are not alone in this.


    Please, if you are based in the US and would like to chat to someone in real-time about what you are going through go here: [Register to see the link]

    If you are based in Australia you can call:
    - 13 11 14 (Lifeline) or chat with someone in real-time here: [Register to see the link]
    - 1300 22 4636 (Beyond Blue) and they have a real-time chat as well.

    Alternatively, for other nations please go here:
    - Suicide Prevention Wikia:


    thinking of you,
    greendots

  4. #4
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Furreh... I empathize so much with how you are feeling right now. The struggle is real when it comes to the despair and hopeless feelings... Itís painful, debilitating, and devastating.

    One thing you can be 100% sure of is that you are not a burden on anyone that loves you, no matter what your head is telling you... and that if you did decide to end your life the burden would be placed on your family to grieve your loss for generations to come.

    I know you feel like you donít have a choice... and that you are done feeling this way... but you can choose to live.

    I donít know what kind of support you have for talking about your situation but even if itís only us... please come here and talk as much as you need to... if you want to PM me feel free... sometimes it helps to have someone who wonít judge just listen and acknowledge how you are feeling.

    The above supports that green dots mentioned are there to help. Donít think for a moment ever that your life doesnít have value... you were put on this planet for a reason and maybe it was to help others that feel the way you do.

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  6. #5
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    The easy way out is probably not the best way out

    I've been where you are. I even attempted and survived when I should have died and ended up institutionalized. Lost a few friends because of it. I understand your pain.

    why do you want to die?
    What hardships in your life make it so unbearable and what makes you think they're so unfix-able?
    The only way you become a burden to someone else is this defeated mentality. would you want to be around someone who is like that on a regular basis? I'm sure your loved ones want to see you happy and succeed. They can't do it for you.

    Nothing will change or get better unless you change yourself. nobody else can it's not their job. their job is to be there to support you and help you. Think for yourself to find yourself. If you sit there saying you don't want to change you just want to die, do you really think that's going to make it better? You have no idea what's going to happen when you die, do you? The unknown/other side could possibly be the worst experience than life for all you know. Enjoy what you have now. Life is hard for everyone. Don't listen to those voices in your mind that are telling you it's hopeless and you have to die for it to be better. Fight for yourself.

    You know the consequences and the pain you'll cause others ending your life on purpose. So you should understand that people do love you. Do you not love them? What do you love?

    This 5150 has 4 more years to go. After that I go. ----A lot changes in 4 years. It's your choice to make the most of it or let it get the best of you.

    The gist is they think those feelings will settle down enough for me to live a life and finally see the bright colors of life one day. -- Everyday, focus on at least one good thing and make a big deal out of that instead of the tons of tiny negative things that are going on. Find some positive music to listen to. Read self-help books on something that's overwhelming you in your life right now since your time line of 4 years will permit you to do that. There's always a way to see the good in a situation. I know. I've been there. Meditate, focus on God, focus on whatever you believe in, take some time for yourself to reflect each day, have some faith in yourself believe things can get better instead of focusing on everything that is bad.

    Why does everyone say its wrong for me to want this? Because they don't want to see you do that to yourself and they want to see you fight and get better.

    Imagine the horror of the person closest to you finding your dead body. Imagine the person closest to you watching the news one day to find "mystery body found with no identity" as one of the top stories and it's you. Then they'll have to go to the local morgue to identify your body and have to see you cold and lifeless. Talk about emotional strain. Have you ever seen a dead body? do you know what that does to the mind and the nightmares that person might have? The sorrow that person will feel for you? You really want that? Do you really not care about how your loved ones feel about you? If so, why?


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