Serious Anxiety About Exclusivity- Is It Worth It?

I've been seeing this guy I am crazy about and I've never felt this way about anyone but am not sure if I am letting my infatuation lead me astray. We've been dating for about 2 months and we are both university students.

We're both very awkward, introverted people but he seems to be a bit more withdrawn than me which can make him come across as cold to me. It is understandable in some context because sometimes I act the same way, meaning that I act emotionally distant because I don't know 'what we are.' I feel like we are moving past that phase because we plan on having a talk soon about what we both want. I was supposed to be moving away but it turns out that I am staying in university until the end of year, and then moving away after that (he'll be 8 hours away from me then), which makes me scared bc this will inevitably be an LDR at one point, even if it does work out. However, he will be moving to the same city as me, half a year after that.

This really scares me and lately I've been feeling like just letting him know that I can't do this at all. I have never committed to anyone before and he's the first person I've had sex with that I have real feelings for. We have a lot in common on a surface level but haven't had any super deep, personal conversations yet, but I do know that we can if we sort out how we feel/what we want first. I just feel like I have serious trust issues.

He's been there for me when I was super sick and I am having some health problems right now...all of which I've never been through in my life. I was recently diagnosed with endometriosis and am currently having pain because of it and I don't want him to be around for that/deal with me in that way. I feel like I should be left alone to deal with my problems (health and academic) but I know that if I do that I will throw this all away. At best, we can reconnect at another time? However, my gut feeling tells me that that is not feasible.

I feel physically sick and anxious thinking about this because I did briefly cut things off over text and he has expressed that he really likes me and spending time with me and wants to continue seeing me, and wanted me to think about what I want so we can talk about it when he's back. My paranoia tells me that he is only saying this because he likes having sex with me. Other than him saying he likes spending time with me and saying that he misses me, there have been no indicators of him respecting me beyond that- as some of my friends have put it. He's very romantic and kind in bed but seems far away and cold in any other context. Again, it may because we are technically FWB at the moment.

I guess my question is, am I wrong/paranoid to feel this way? How can I make sure that our 'what are we/'define the relationship conversation goes smoothly and involves complete transparency? He's been away for a month now and I want to say that I would be unwilling to commit/be exclusive if I found out that he was having sex with someone else during his vacation, but I don't know if I'd want to say that for the sake of coming off as clingy. Is there a better way to imply that? Is there a way to tell him that he's a bit cold/distant and maybe clarify the meaning behind that? How can I tell him that I want this to be more than sex? In fact, what can we do to open up to each other more? How can that be done with more ease? I guess these are just my brainstorming questions. There's too much going on in my head and I feel quite overwhelmed.

Any and all advice is much, much appreciated. Beyond words, thank you!

Yes you are being paranoid and yes you're letting your insecurities run the show, I had to read all the way to the bottom to pinpoint what caused this sudden need. He has been gone and you arent sure what he's doing. Like another post says, you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube, you've given yourself physically and emotionally without any discussion or regard to what that means and now you want your anxiety soothed.

Now that that statements out of the way, I would deffinetely have the 'talk' especially after two months but I'd give it time, doing it because you want to feel secure is no reason to enter into a committed relationship, like you said there are obstacles in the way, you two should sit down and discuss what you both want.

Until then unfortunately, you're gonna have to ride out the emotional roller coaster you're going to be on until he returns. The good news is you two seem to have a great connection.

If you have endometriosis and have been in pain, i doubt you are having a lot of sex right now for it to be "all about sex". And if you think that it is - you control that don't you? Don't make it about sex by not having much of it.

I am not understanding you i guess --- he told you that he does like you and wants to continue seeing you so take it at face value for now, he treats you with care and is romantic with you. he says that he misses you -- i don't think a guy saying he wants to see you and misses you is "cold" in all contexts except sex. I think you are someone who thinks that if someone likes you - they are mocking you or putting you on and can't possible like you and probably just only want sex. you also say he should want to leave you alone because you have health issues, yet he isn't. He is sticking around. What part of that only sounds like he is after sex to you?

What do your friends mean that "there are no other indicators of him respecting you beyond that?" Does he ditch you when you are out together? Or is he just not very talkative to your firends who he barely knows? you say you are both the same - shy and introverted -- why don't you either spend more time getting to know him - no sex, just going out to lunch and such or doing activities - orr just decide that you are too much alike and end it?

If you want to be alone to deal with your own problems then tell him that you want to do so and that you will call him in a few months when things die down for you. But don't label him "sex only" if he is showing you that he is willing to stick around with you - that's not a sign of a guy who only wants sex. It sounds like he is very similar to you...and you don't like that.

Again, it may because we are technically FWB at the moment.

No you are not. FWB are friends who are established as friends and then decide they agree to unattached sex. You are "dating". you may not call eachother boyfriend and girlfriend, but i doubt if you are FWB.

Again, it may because we are technically FWB at the moment.

 

No you are not. FWB are friends who are established as friends and then decide they agree to unattached sex. You are "dating". you may not call eachother boyfriend and girlfriend, but i doubt if you are FWB.

Unless a piece of the story is missing I agree

Why all the trust issues?

If you didn't have the exclusivity talk before he left before vacation then he is not at fault for being involved with someone else, but it seems unlikely that he is sleeping with other women from what you described. The distance between the two of you could be due to you suggesting to him that you not be involved anymore. Don't worry about what he's up to right now. Have the talk as soon as possible. If you two are on the same page, at least there would be an end date to the long distance and time to get to know each other before it occurs. Good luck!

Yes you are being paranoid and yes you're letting your insecurities run the show, I had to read all the way to the bottom to pinpoint what caused this sudden need. He has been gone and you arent sure what he's doing. Like another post says, you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube, you've given yourself physically and emotionally without any discussion or regard to what that means and now you want your anxiety soothed.

 

Now that that statements out of the way, I would deffinetely have the 'talk' especially after two months but I'd give it time, doing it because you want to feel secure is no reason to enter into a committed relationship, like you said there are obstacles in the way, you two should sit down and discuss what you both want.

 

Until then unfortunately, you're gonna have to ride out the emotional roller coaster you're going to be on until he returns. The good news is you two seem to have a great connection.

Hi! Thank you so much for your input. I completely agree all but one of your points- I genuinely have to say that I felt this way the whole time I was seeing him. Yes, I do think I am letting my insecurities (related to my past) control me but I've been this 'emotional' and anxious about everything the whole way through- not just because he is gone. I do take responsibility for the precedents we both set, and will def be doing that. Thank you!

I think you are someone who thinks that if someone likes you - they are mocking you or putting you on and can't possible like you and probably just only want sex.

 

This hits the nail on the head. I guess it might be connected to how I grew up being severely bullied/abused (emotionally and physically) and my first kiss/time was non-consented. It prob still troubles/affects me but I have sought therapy in the past and feel like I am truly doing fine in general, but do feel that it feeds anxious/unhealthy thoughts like that. Thanks for your insight.

If you didn't have the exclusivity talk before he left before vacation then he is not at fault for being involved with someone else, but it seems unlikely that he is sleeping with other women from what you described. The distance between the two of you could be due to you suggesting to him that you not be involved anymore. Don't worry about what he's up to right now. Have the talk as soon as possible. If you two are on the same page, at least there would be an end date to the long distance and time to get to know each other before it occurs. Good luck!

You're completely right. Thank you for your insight.

You're not committing to marriage, so relax. Why not just enjoy one another, when you want to find out where he stands with you, just ask him and listen?

Mind spinning is projection. Quit that, focus on what the two of you might like to do next week or so, and then take it from there.

EnjOy.

Other than him saying he likes spending time with me and saying that he misses me, there have been no indicators of him respecting me beyond that- as some of my friends have put it.

Where are your friends getting this impression from?

This hits the nail on the head. I guess it might be connected to how I grew up being severely bullied/abused (emotionally and physically) and my first kiss/time was non-consented. It prob still troubles/affects me but I have sought therapy in the past and feel like I am truly doing fine in general, but do feel that it feeds anxious/unhealthy thoughts like that. Thanks for your insight.

Then seek more counseling because you are punishing men for your past.

My paranoia tells me that he is only saying this because he likes having sex with me. Other than him saying he likes spending time with me and saying that he misses me, there have been no indicators of him respecting me beyond that- as some of my friends have put it. He's very romantic and kind in bed but seems far away and cold in any other context. Again, it may because we are technically FWB at the moment.

So, do you do anything outside of the bedroom, because if you do you didn't elaborate.

Am I the only one that caught that?

In my experience, our friends are typically spot on about things we aren't willing to admit to ourselves.

So, do you do anything outside of the bedroom, because if you do you didn't elaborate.

Am I the only one that caught that?

In my experience, our friends are typically spot on about things we aren't willing to admit to ourselves.

No, we do not at all! Everything has literally been just 'in the bedroom.' This is 100% correct. Hence, my hesitance and distrust.

Where are your friends getting this impression from?

From past experiences with men who they have sex-fueled relationship/dating where the guys claim that they will miss them but really don't want commitment...are only willing to say yes to commitment under the guise of receiving regular sex. Not willing to spend time with them outside vague emotional openness and sex.

This has happened to multiple friends and I'm not sure if it's just part of 'dating culture' now since things are presumably more casual.

From past experiences with men who they have sex-fueled relationship/dating where the guys claim that they will miss them but really don't want commitment...are only willing to say yes to commitment under the guise of receiving regular sex. Not willing to spend time with them outside vague emotional openness and sex.

 

This has happened to multiple friends and I'm not sure if it's just part of 'dating culture' now since things are presumably more casual.

You steer this ship. Ask him to do things beyond Netflix and chill.

No, we do not at all! Everything has literally been just 'in the bedroom.' This is 100% correct. Hence, my hesitance and distrust.

OHHHH

Well this changes things, reinvent is right, totally missed that. So nothing happens outside of sex?

Abort!

Unless you want an F buddy.

Your anxiety is screaming for a reason.

No, we do not at all! Everything has literally been just 'in the bedroom.' This is 100% correct. Hence, my hesitance and distrust.

Then this is not a relationship. It's a FWB.

No wonder you don't want to commit. I wouldn't either. You can speak up and let him know you'd love to have actual dates, but I think you already know how that suggestion is going to be received.

Why jump on the hookup/casual bandwagon? Decide your own fate and standards and dating requirements. Think for yourself rather than what everyone else wants. Plan dates and say no to no strings sex, if that's what you want. If you want exclusive dating, make that crystal clear with actions rather than following like a sheep for fear of not being "cool" or not getting male attention.

only willing to say yes to commitment under the guise of receiving regular sex. Not willing to spend time with them outside vague emotional openness and sex. I'm not sure if it's just part of 'dating culture' now since things are presumably more casual.