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I am at my wit's end... I think...

 

I don't actually know what to think! I'm so confused.

 

I met an east Asian girl online through a dating site in November 2017 and we hit it off. We were both looking for a serious relationship with a view to getting married and having a child. She was open to moving to my country. All boxes ticked... great!

 

We got on well via video and chatting every single day, and in January I flew around the world to see her. She was amazing. We got on well, we really liked each other, we got completely intimate, talked about a future together and the future looked amazing.

 

I went out to see her again in April, where I met her parents, sisters, brothers, nephews, nieces etc. Saw her family home and their poor situation (which she was embarrassed and shy to show me).

 

And now I have just returned from my third trip to see her.

 

Now, the majority of the time... say 28~29 days in every 30 she is spot on. We exchange the sweetest messages, she says the loveliest things to me, she opens up to me about her family woes and how she tries to help them. She updates me on what her family is up to. We share laughs and memories of our times together. She meets me at the airport, she does English tests so we can start working on a visa to bring her to my country, and does plenty of other little things which I love her for.

 

But then, 1 or 2 days a month, she fuc*ing flips and is a completely different person.

 

Despite me sending her money every month, shelling out the cash for the expensive trips to see her, spoiling her rotten when I am with her, investing all my work holiday allowance in her, paying for her back-payments on her bike, buying tablets for her nieces and nephews and above all, offering and working to bring her to my richer country where I can give her a nice home and love and a family... she will call me selfish. She will say I only care about my money. She will spout sh*t like, "if I ever got pregnant with you I would not tell you because I am not ready". She even said, "If I did not love you any more I would not tell you because I don't want to upset you, I would just fake it".

 

These things worry the Hell out of me and have caused me to lose a lot of weight in stress.

 

Now I don't wish to sound naive here... I know the first thought for most readers is going to be... PMS? PMT.... even PMDD? I have done some research and yes, maybe she has a problem. But seriously, some of the things she's said or done... they've just seemed evil.

 

Most recently, during my last trip, we made a promise to each other that we would 100% focus on applying for a visa for her to come and live with me. This will cost me £1,000's, not to mention the amount of time, organisation and stress of it all. I am booked to see her again in August, so I arranged for her to take medicals and a compulsory seminar during the time I am next there. All my/our flights, hotels - booked. All the visa-related appointments for her - booked. Her sister is getting married during this time, so we're also making internal flights to attend the wedding. We promised to each other that December would be the month we aim to have her in my country, so we must work hard to make it happen.

 

I returned from that trip totally psyched up. Totally buzzing that we were doing this together, and we could finally live together very soon.

 

Then, just a few days ago she says she's booked (and paid) onto an 8 month training course so I must cancel my August trip and delay all visa stuff until later. What the f.........k?

 

Regardless of the amount of work I've already put in, the effort, the time, the money, the planning... despite the promise we made... she just decides she wants to do something else for now.

 

I don't get it! Why can't I just find a normal person? I love her to bits. Nay, I love her more than life - which is why we got engaged in April (which she was totally thrilled about I might add).

 

From the very first moment I met her online, she agreed that she wanted this life - that she wanted a family, to move abroad and settle down. But she plays a risky game by abusing me 1 or 2 days a month, and also jeopardises her own future by creating her own obstacles...? What gives?

 

I have asked her straight if she harbours fears or concerns about coming to live with me - she says 'no'.

I have asked her straight if she's getting bored of me. She says 'no, don't think like that'.

I have asked her if she needs more time. She says 'no'.

 

I give her all the opportunities I can to tell me what's on her mind, but she insists everything's fine.

 

However, she still has these moments where she seems to hate my guts and resent the situation, where she seems to just want to hurt me. In actual fact, this isn't the first time she's told me to cancel all my flights (with zero consideration for the money I'd lose). Her actions would indicate that she doesn't want to migrate, be married, or even be in a relationship (based on her lack of communication with me about important, life-changing decisions).

 

I don't know what to do, because despite having great friends who listen and advise, they have never shared the moments with her which I have. They haven't kissed her, or heard her wish me good morning. They haven't heard her giggle and truly seen or felt the amazing things which she has done for me. My heart aches for her and I can't stop thinking about her, but when she decides to be on a self-destructive downer she takes me down with her and it batters and bruises me mentally.

 

Thanks for reading!

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I cannot understand why you are sending money to her and her family? You are not married to this woman.

 

I am assuming you chose an international bride so that you will have control over her and the situation. I would think that there would be a sufficient number of women n your country that would be dateable.

 

This woman is taking you for a ride. What is the age difference?

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Her family is poor. Are they glad to anticipate her emigration, so as to be freed of the expense of her? If so, she may long have internalized the idea that, to fathers/father figures (this includes you), money is more valuable than she. She may be defrauding you, as happened to someone whom I know well, and in similar fashion.

 

Consider that she may be telling you the truth, during those times when to you she seems unkind. She may be trying to fake it, and trying to protect you, concurrently.

 

I'm sorry. There is no way to gauge her integrity that I can imagine, given the situation. I would hunt in the same country. If you offer a major change in life to someone who has few and little resources, you run the risk of motivating her with money / comfort and confusing her enthusiasm with love.

 

Tread carefully, OP.

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I'm 40, she's 31.

 

I chose an international relationship because I had been dumped on by women of my own nation and was getting sick of the lies and back-stabbing, so I hoped women of other cultures might be different/safer; and I generally prefer foreign looks and culture.

 

I send her money because she quit her job abroad (in December) to wait for me in her country (I was unable to visit her in the country she was working). So, as she sacrificed her salary to wait for me, I offered to send her enough to support her while we spent time getting to know each other better (by me flying out to see her as often as possible this year). The amount I send her is considerably less than what she was earning before.

 

She stays with family to keep her costs down - this is something we agreed on. She was offered a job in her own country (in February) but it meant she would not be able to see me in April (as they wouldn't allow time-off within the first 6 months). As my flights and hotels, and arrangements to meet her family, were all paid for, and the whole point of her staying in her country was for us to get together, we mutually agreed she'd decline the job and try to find something else with more convenient conditions, or look again after the trip. She was unable to find anything (or was just satisfied with waiting for me with the money I send her).

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If you kept on meeting bad women, it was you who chose the wrong people. You were the common demonimator, not the women of your country.

 

What country do you live in? Is everyone of one race?

 

She should not have quit her job, for you to visit periodically. Plus, you didn't really know one another What was her job? What is her education? What did she plan to do when moving to your country?

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Her family probably doesn't want her to leave the country and marry you. Because then THEY would lose your financial support.

 

She is the one who is all about the money.

 

Tell you what...tell her you've got some unexpected major expenses and you will not be able to send money for a couple of months. See how she responds.

 

PS: I'm sure someone somewhere told you that you can't buy love. Sex, companionship, attention...yes, but not real love. You tried but it just doesn't work. And I know, you did all those things because you LOVE her! But that isn't the appropriate way to behave when you love someone and want their love in return.

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Despite me sending her money every month, shelling out the cash for the expensive trips to see her, spoiling her rotten when I am with her, investing all my work holiday allowance in her, paying for her back-payments on her bike, buying tablets for her nieces and nephewsp
Wasn't it P.T. Barnum that said there is one born every minute?

 

Op: Please stop sending her money. How will you ever know if she's being genuine with you when you're paying her? She's going to keep up any pretense as long as the money and goods are rolling in. If she loves you truly, then she will love you without you paying her to.

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I'm going to try to put this simply: you are being used. She and her family want to emigrate to your country (I'm guessing the UK) and they want you to support them. You're already buying stuff for her family and paying off their debts. You barely know her. And I think the times when she goes crazy happen when she forgets she's suppose to be nice to her sugar daddy and her true opinion slips through. If you follow through on your plans, your marriage will be a nightmare. She may not sleep with you except to maybe have a baby to secure her spot in the UK, and she will probably divorce you as soon as she's spent the minimum amount of time she has to. Even if all this is untrue, she's showing you signs of extreme emotional abuse and you're picking up on it, even though you don't believe it of your mail-order bride.

 

My friend, you need to cut off all contact and disappear. Change your cell number and your e-mail address and vanish. Save yourself. Your life will turn into a living hell if you proceed with this half-baked idea. She and her family only see you as Santa Claus who will be giving them presents every day. Wake up. This is a scam.

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I give her all the opportunities I can to tell me what's on her mind, but she insists everything's fine.

YET she told you...

 

She will spout sh*t like, "if I ever got pregnant with you I would not tell you because I am not ready". She even said, "If I did not love you any more I would not tell you because I don't want to upset you, I would just fake it".

 

I would run for the hills if my partner told me this - especially the pregnancy common. That’s nuts. This is her saying that she is using you.

 

I think it’s time to take off the rose-covered glasses here and see who she really is. She outright TOLD you that she is willing to lie in the relationship just to stay with you.... for money.

 

Let’s be honest... you proposed to a woman online whom you barely know after 5 MONTHS of talking. On top of it, you are giving away your money to her AND her family. Don’t you think you are moving too fast?

 

I completely get the appeal of dating people from a different culture. However the real problem of dating people from a different country/culture is the culture clash- it affects your communication and being able to problem solve. Are her values truly aligned with yours despite her differences? You need to find a woman who matches that before marrying her or the marriage will result in a divorce/separation. I agree with Holly’s perspective about finding the right woman.

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I'm going to try to put this simply: you are being used. She and her family want to emigrate to your country (I'm guessing the UK) and they want you to support them. You're already buying stuff for her family and paying off their debts. You barely know her. And I think the times when she goes crazy happen when she forgets she's suppose to be nice to her sugar daddy and her true opinion slips through. If you follow through on your plans, your marriage will be a nightmare. She may not sleep with you except to maybe have a baby to secure her spot in the UK, and she will probably divorce you as soon as she's spent the minimum amount of time she has to.

Yup. This happens with many foreigners who are trying to gain access citizenship into a first world country. It’s called a sham marriage. There are multiple stories out there that result in this.

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As an aside, I know of an immigration case moving to deny citizenship to someone who was insincere in her relationships and who gained a fair amount of material advantage from the men she partnered with (concurrently).

 

I hope this is not the case with you, OP, but at the same time, I want you to respect the risks you face.

 

We can consider "love" in some other thread, but for now, it is necessary only to appreciate the risks you take by pursuing someone whose first time being with you at home will be her first time in your home, country, culture. She will need friends, activities, family. Long distance in addition to cultural and economic differences, plus utter dependence on you. It is likely to create significant stress after a time, even with the best intentions.

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  • 2 weeks later...

My brother, I have deep connection with you because, we are going through exactly the same dilemma with a little modifications in situation. The headline is the same for both of us. I am sorry to say, please don'd mind but I've seriously had enough of these "poor family background psycho" girls. They are almost all the same. In my experience, a guy, a man is always faithful even when he cheats. If he cheats he will still be loving and caring towards his first girlfriend / wife whatever. He will have love and sympathy for both. But when a girl starts doing weird stuff, she just becomes total devil. She can make you go through the worst stress of your life.

 

I will never advise you to leave her because in your last lines, I can see your love for her and I can totally relate to it. You are in a tough situation mate. She will not change her attitude this is for sure. No matter what. She is not mature enough, she has some psycho issues, she is unstable. You have to deal with it all your life if you get married and if you break up with her, you still have to deal with it all your life. The harsh reality. Because you will never be able to forget her unless a better girl comes into your life who would wash out all this crazy pain and these memories from your life.

 

Even if you get married, she would be the same. Its a part of her personality. And in my experience I have seen, personality rarely changes. So, now you have two options. Either continue the effort, get used to her weirdness, get married, reduce the distance and things might improve or at least you would have a better control over the situation when she would be with you physically.

 

If it is too unbearable, then you know what to do. Quit, run, hide, forget, be strong, take the pain, go to gym, flirt with new girls. This is the only way for a man to get over a breakup.

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