Any advice on how to win him over again?

Hi,

About 1,5 years ago I met a guy through Tinder. We started dating and everything went well, he eventually even asked me if I wanted to be in a relationship with him. I was however in a place in my life where my attention wasn´t fully with him. I was also talking to someone else and getting more and more involved with that person. I ended up in a long distance relationship with the other guy because the guy I was actually seeing (I had never met the long distance relationship guy) was so busy with school and work I didnt feel happy with how little I could see him. I know this is ironic but the long distance guy felt more present at the time. So I ended up in a one year lasting relationship with mr long distance.

I was still talking to the other guy occasionally, until one day we decided to meet up again. That day was so amazing, it almost felt like nothing had changed. From that point I started thinking about him more and more again until I broke things off with my boyfriend because I couldnt handle my feelings anymore (and other reasons like the 6000km distance).

Since then I saw him twice and we have been texting daily. He stayed over every time, because he is still really busy (he has a fulltime internship during the week and works everyday in the weekend to fund his studies and rent. plus he lives on the other side of the country so he has to travel 3+ hours to see me) and thats really the only chance we have to get together.

So here are the 3 things on my mind;

We were texting about being annoyed with graduating uni and how we wish we could just skip the whole ordeal. I ended up asking him how he sees himself in one year. He replied saying he doesnt know but that he would like to live with someone. So I asked; like a roommate? He replied ¨no more than a roommate, actually a woman you know¨ so I said ¨ a woman I know or a woman I know ¨ to which he replied ¨ïll let you guess that¨.

He has said before I dont have to worry about other women so I dont know if he meant me when he said this. Its not super relevant but its been on my mind. I would love to hear anyone´s interpretations of that.

The first time he stayed over I expressed some regret about how I handled things with him last year and that I sometimes wish I could take my decision back. He didnt really respond to that (wasnt clear if he ignored it or just really didnt hear as we were still kinda dozing in bed), so I asked him again later over text when he had left.

His response was that we cant turn back time and that we just have to make sthe best of any situation (not specifically referring to our situation I think). I then said yeah thats true, I just hope ¨my decision¨ didnt ruin any feelings or intentions between us. He replied saying ¨well I dont know if it did but I dont think we can just pick up where we left off¨. I ended that part of the conversation by saying that wasnt what I expected and that I just wanted him to know I dont take it for granted, and that we should just take it slow.

That was the last we talked about that. Looking back I realise I can definitely not expect him to just fall back into my arms after I dumped him for someone else. Ill have to put some work in. I just dont really know to what extent I should show him my feelings or play hard to get now because Im worried it will make him be done with me for good.

The last thing;

Last time he was with me he went to take a shower and left his phone on the nightstand with the screen up. So I tapped the button and saw the notifications on his lock screen (I know I know respect privacy etc).

Before I say the next thing I should state that he is from the caribbean and is used to the small island very social culture. He has a lot of friends, both male and female. and he values those relationships a lot. He for example recently went to a girl friend´s house to have dinner with her and her parents. This is all normal to him and thats also part of why I like him so much.

So on the lockscreen there were a lot of messages, also from a girl. I wont say her name for obvious reasons but he saved it with a smiley and two hearts behind the name. I know who the girl is because I have seen them interact on social media before and they have a selfie together on facebook saying ¨its not thursday but it felt like a throwback¨ or something like that. This makes me think they dont see eachother often. They have however known eachother for a long time since their somethingship dates back years ago on facebook.

So Im wondering; what could his relationship be with her? Are they really good friends who reply to eachothers stuff with hearts occasionally and catch up in real life sometimes? Is she maybe his ex that hes still close with? Or could they actually be dating but just both be really busy? I cant ask him because he already made clear we should take it slow but if he is involved with someone else, even though he said I dont have to worry about other women, I would want to know.

Would love to hear any of your thoughts and advice on how I should handle all of this. I am very insecure when it comes to this guy because I really like him (he doesnt know that to this extent though obviously). Thanks for reading if you made it all the way down!

I dont think it wont be comitted though. Just not right now since we have only just started dating again.

I hope it can be a weekly or every other week thing. We havent talked about that though. Do you think we should? Thanks for your advice!

Thanks for your reply!

I dont think it wont be comitted though. Just not right now since we have only just started dating again.

I don't think there's any issue here. You either want the relationship or you don't and it seems like you do so you gotta get your insecurities in check. Seems the long distance guy was always present so that quelled your insecurity but the truth is you can't have a relationship with a phone. You can't keep using crutches to get through this. You gotta be honest with yourself and face them together. It sounds like he wants this to work and so do you so put on your big girl pants and make it work.

I wish you luck, it's young love and there are some obstacles there so the statistics aren't on your side for this lasting forever, but hey.

Stop checking other people's phones you either trust them or you don't!!!!!

I don't think there's any issue here. You either want the relationship or you don't and it seems like you do so you gotta get your insecurities in check. Seems the long distance guy was always present so that quelled your insecurity but the truth is you can't have a relationship with a phone. You can't keep using crutches to get through this. You gotta be honest with yourself and face them together. It sounds like he wants this to work and so do you so put on your big girl pants and make it work.

 

I wish you luck, it's young love and there are some obstacles there so the statistics aren't on your side for this lasting forever, but hey.

 

Stop checking other people's phones you either trust them or you don't!!!!!

You are right, thank you! Normally I would never check someones phone but it was like right next to me, too much temptation :´)

There are a lot of boundary issues and contradictory statements in your story. Why were you involved with him when you were in a "committed" relationship with someone else? Cheating doesn't create the strongest foundation for a new relationship. It's also unacceptable that you have peeked at his personal messages! You're not even official yet and the trust issues are out in full swing. Finally, why are you talking about living together if no relationship has actually been established?

To me, it sounds like this guy is content with having sex with you but doesn't actually intend to make a commitment. Vague statements in response to questions that assess the strength of the relationship are always a red flag.

There are a lot of boundary issues and contradictory statements in your story. Why were you involved with him when you were in a "committed" relationship with someone else? Cheating doesn't create the strongest foundation for a new relationship. It's also unacceptable that you have peeked at his personal messages! You're not even official yet and the trust issues are out in full swing. Finally, why are you talking about living together if no relationship has actually been established?

 

To me, it sounds like this guy is content with having sex with you but doesn't actually intend to make a commitment. Vague statements in response to questions that assess the strength of the relationship are always a red flag.

oh no I never cheated with him, we just stayed in touch. something only happened once I broke my relationship off. He brought up the living situation thing, I wasnt sure how to interpret it.

But yeah you are right, I do have trust issues. I guess Im scared to it up.

What would you call a vague statement?