Ghosting.. Why do they do it?

Can anyone tell me why people ghost then come back. I can't understand it. If you don't want to speak with someone isn't it easier/better to tell them rather than just suddenly stop replying to their texts?

I've only had this done to me by one guy and it's happened a few times over the last 3 month's since I started a friends with benefits thing with him. He ghosted me before we even had sex so I guessed he would do it if I started having sex with him. I was right. It doesn't happened straight after we have sex but he can go from being full on to suddenly stop replying to me. He ghosts for a week or two then comes back. It's not the behaviour I expected from a 44 year old man or from what should be friends with benefits. The games are really irritating me.

I ended it calmly and correctly a few weeks ago telling him I'm bored of the games. He ignored me and then blocked me everywhere a few days later. He then comes back soon after and I point out that we need to keep things friendly as we will bump in to each other at some point with living close. We have both tried to pick up where it ended but he has been giving me mixed signals. One day he's full on then the next he's playing it cool. He tells me there is no other woman involved. I do get a feeling there is as he must be getting attention else where, is this the reason why they ghost and then come back? I don't mind if there is any other women as I don't have feelings for him and don't want a relationship but would rather know the truth. I can only take his word for it though my gut instinct tells me he's a player.

When we met I made it clear I don't want a relationship and he told me he's emotionally unavailable. The more I've got talking to him over texts the more I realise he's very controlling, twists things so it's always my fault. Makes me feel guilty for not giving him a bj on first time too. This still gets brought up in conversation over text a lot and it gets to me that he has no respect yet in person he's lovely (probably because we don't spend a lot of time together). Could the ghosting be his way of controlling things? Like I stated I ended it and then he blocked me which I think he done so he feels in control Of the whole thing. He's just started ghosting me again today.. I need to walk away for good I know. I just want to understand this whole ghosting thing.

I met him whilst walking the dogs, not off a dating site so when we first spoke there was no conversation about sex or being friends with benefits. We just got talking about being single and not wanting a relationship etc. We kept it friendly for a few weeks then he started flirting, talking about sex and wanting to be friends with benefits. He's told me quite a few times that he just wants a friends with benefits and there's no reason for either of us to look else where since we both don't want a relationship. However I have caught him on tinder as he matched with a girl I know. I haven't mentioned this but he tried to tell me he doesn't use it he had deleted the app which I knew was a lie. I can't stand lies I'd rather he be upfront and honest since its just Fwb therefore he's not cheating. But he seems to get jealous and insecure about me.. asking who I'm dating or having sex with, Who else I send photos to etc. If I mention to him about women he says I'm suspicious.

He has openly told me that he used tinder in the past to meet many women for sex then they don't see him for dust so when I got involved I expected him to disappear after our first time especially since he had already ghosted for a week before we had sex. I can't understand his ghosting behaviour and coming back.

Why keep going back expecting him to "change"? He's already demonstrated quite clearly that he won't.

I do need to close the door on this for good as the games hurt my head.

Is this the reason why they ghost because they are getting attention else where? This is the only reason I can think of. You'd think he would want to juggle the women if he's a player and wanting to go from one to the next and back again so ghosting really confused me. If he didn't want to speak at all he wouldn't keep coming back surely. He's leaving the door open for some reason.

I’ve always felt ghosting happens because they haven’t got the guts to say it to your face. My ex started ghosting me in the days before she finished with me....and that was only because i felt I had to ask if she still licked me.

Who knows how long it would have dragged out otherwise!

I don't know why I have kept going back (well apart from the fun side) but I can say I wasn't available at his request, i played it cool each time when he was chasing. The ghosting and hot and cold games really got to me a few weeks ago so my text to him said that I am out of the game as I'm bored of the games but I'll still speak if I bump into him. A few days later he blocked me everywhere which I thought was very childish but it's his way of controlling the situation I guess? Each time he ghosted me we bumped into each other. I tried to walk past without speaking and his jaw actually dropped. It was always him approaching me and speaking first in person which I felt was all front since he was ghosting at the time. It just confused the situation even more.

He tells me he speaks his mind but yet can't seem to be honest with me. If he doesn't want to talk or fun then he wouldn't keep coming back. If you ghost you do it to get out of the situation /relationship so him returning each time is very confusing.

So, you can stop and end this silly game, or you can continue, understanding that he will keep doing what he's doing.

Is the "fun side" worth getting upset over his ghosting?

To be honest no it's not. It's not disappointing but it's nothing to write about either. He's attractive but average in bed. He seems to think he's better than what he is though. Our conversations are always him asking if I was disappointed. We did exchange a few nasty messages after he blocked me and out of anger I told him he wasn't that good. Now it's always brought up by him so I guess I've knocked his ego! He's not the nicest person to speak to over texts as he's very controlling, always twisting things to make me look at fault so my remark was the least he deserved back.

Hes not my usual type but he's very attractive. He's just average in bed but I guess the fun kept me going back too at my convenience. He has definitely kept me interested with the challenge. I've said from day one I can't work this guy out and he had me hooked trying to work out what he's all about. When men throw themselves at me I run, I don't like attention unless it's off someone I really fancy. I don't have feelings for him so can't get hurt that way but the games have really hurt me as I feel disrespected, So yes I know I should walk for good. He's ghosting right now and who knows if he will return this time but I need to stop going back as the games are not good. Or maybe I ghost him soon as we leave. I'll feel better being in control haha!

Can anyone tell me why people ghost then come back. I can't understand it. If you don't want to speak with someone isn't it easier/better to tell them rather than just suddenly stop replying to their texts?

 

I've only had this done to me by one guy and it's happened a few times over the last 3 month's since I started a friends with benefits thing with him. He ghosted me before we even had sex so I guessed he would do it if I started having sex with him. I was right. It doesn't happened straight after we have sex but he can go from being full on to suddenly stop replying to me. He ghosts for a week or two then comes back. It's not the behaviour I expected from a 44 year old man or from what should be friends with benefits. The games are really irritating me.

 

I ended it calmly and correctly a few weeks ago telling him I'm bored of the games. He ignored me and then blocked me everywhere a few days later. He then comes back soon after and I point out that we need to keep things friendly as we will bump in to each other at some point with living close. We have both tried to pick up where it ended but he has been giving me mixed signals. One day he's full on then the next he's playing it cool. He tells me there is no other woman involved. I do get a feeling there is as he must be getting attention else where, is this the reason why they ghost and then come back? I don't mind if there is any other women as I don't have feelings for him and don't want a relationship but would rather know the truth. I can only take his word for it though my gut instinct tells me he's a player.

 

When we met I made it clear I don't want a relationship and he told me he's emotionally unavailable. The more I've got talking to him over texts the more I realise he's very controlling, twists things so it's always my fault. Makes me feel guilty for not giving him a bj on first time too. This still gets brought up in conversation over text a lot and it gets to me that he has no respect yet in person he's lovely (probably because we don't spend a lot of time together). Could the ghosting be his way of controlling things? Like I stated I ended it and then he blocked me which I think he done so he feels in control Of the whole thing. He's just started ghosting me again today.. I need to walk away for good I know. I just want to understand this whole ghosting thing.

To answer your initial question, ghosting is either a sign of disinterest or a want to control the situation by managing down someone's expectations. In the former case, you never hear from the person again. It occurs a lot early on in dating because there is no relationship to officially break and most people don't feel they owe strangers an explanation for why they aren't interested in pursuing the involvement further. In the latter situation, the person doing the ghosting disappears when they feel the intimacy dial is about to be turned up (e.g. after a sexual encounter, after a great date). They stay cold until you learn your "place". Then, when they want something from you (e.g. sex, ego stroke, shoulder to lean on, money) they blow hot and will make you feel like they're very into you... until they get what they want, and then they go cold again. It's not a fun cycle to be trapped in because the entire arrangement is on the person who is ghosting you's terms. Whether you want a serious relationship or not, I'd lose any chump with this pattern of behavior, because it will never offer any fulfillment.

Thank you for your lovely posts x

I felt good sending the text saying I was out of the game and bored of his games. I felt so in control but then when he blocked me 2 days later I felt like he took control, it was like he was the one who ended it. Blocking me was such a petty thing to do. We bump into each other quite often with living close so I don't know when he felt the need to turn it all unfriendly. We got talking again and well he's ghosted me since yesterday. I probably bump into him after the weekend, this is when it gets more confusing as he wants to speak in person but not over text. He tells me he doesn't ignore people he knows.. clearly does over texts though as my texts go unanswered when he's ghosting.

I met him whilst walking the dogs, not off a dating site so when we first spoke there was no conversation about sex or being friends with benefits. We just got talking about being single and not wanting a relationship etc. We kept it friendly for a few weeks then he started flirting, talking about sex and wanting to be friends with benefits. He's told me quite a few times that he just wants a friends with benefits and there's no reason for either of us to look else where since we both don't want a relationship. However I have caught him on tinder as he matched with a girl I know. I haven't mentioned this but he tried to tell me he doesn't use it he had deleted the app which I knew was a lie. I can't stand lies I'd rather he be upfront and honest since its just Fwb therefore he's not cheating. But he seems to get jealous and insecure about me.. asking who I'm dating or having sex with, Who else I send photos to etc. If I mention to him about women he says I'm suspicious.

 

He has openly told me that he used tinder in the past to meet many women for sex then they don't see him for dust so when I got involved I expected him to disappear after our first time especially since he had already ghosted for a week before we had sex. I can't understand his ghosting behaviour and coming back.

I am sorry for doing this because it really irritates me when people are sticklers for verbiage but he's not ghosting you he's treating you as a casual sexual relationship. Casual sexual relationships are not in contact all the time, hell even FWB aren't in constant contact, he contacts you and is 'full on' as you call it because you have something he wants once he gets it there's no need to communicate with you until he wants it again.

To say you don't have feelings and you're ok with this is the definition of deluding yourself. If you can't handle him acting in this way, because he's not doing anything wrong, you claim you don't want a relationship, this is one of the ways the wide range of sexual relationships are. Some don't communicate, some communicate, some go out and hang, some met just for sex. There are no rules but there are boundaries and if this arrangement isn't working for you and you claim to have no feelings it should be easy to walk away, since you clearly do have feelings you should still walk away but learn the lesson that this isn't for you and that's ok.

And again, you're not being ghosted he keeps coming back when he wants to have sex.

Thank you for explaining the ghosting SGH. I have been on Google numerous times, reading forums and articles trying to understand it. You have explained it a lot more clearer. However I've never came across as wanting a relationship or anything more than a bit fun. I'm not the one asking to see him either so it still doesn't make sense why in this situation he's ghosting and coming back. It's got to be a control thing as he's very controlling. I do think it's possibly due to having other women texting him. He definitely likes the thrill of chasing them to get what he wants then the fun is over. He came across honest and genuine. I believed he wasn't a player and that his days of using women and running were over but he seems to be still doing it. He has just turned 45 so I guess he won't change if he's still like that now.

He was in an on off relationship for a few year, married her - that only lasted 6 months and they divorced 4 years ago. He told me she was the one with the issues but it certainly seems to be him with the same issues. She was 10 year younger than him (same age as me) and has moved on to a younger man. he hasnt moved on properly since, he has just been messing around for a few year sleeping around (insecurity issues I guess). He just recently told me he slept with his ex wife a few times last year. I guess he's not over her hence why he can't/won't move on but sleeping around isn't going to make him feel any better.

I agree with figureitout, this isn't ghosting. If he ghosted you he would be gone. The coming and going is an ego stroke for him, he treats you poorly and you still continue to engage with him. Been there, done that. He probably thinks he is good in bed because women allow him to behave this way, they are willing to accept his crumbs so he must be quite something!

While fwb is a casual thing, that certainly doesn't mean you should allow yourself to be disrespected or played with. Been there, done that too. It is possible for two consenting adults to have a primarily sexual relationship and still treat each other with respect and kindness. I would take a serious pass on this, it seems like a lot of drama and way too much effort. If you see him out and about I would give him a big "meh."

The fact that you're on Google searching for ways to understand his behavior proves that this is not about "control" or about being disrespected.

You've developed some kind of feelings. This man has the ability to hurt you. If it was all about the "fun times" you wouldn't give him a thought until you were horny.

I think it's best that you stay away from him unless you want more hurt.

I can honestly say I have no feelings for him. He is not someone I would want a relationship with either. The challenge had me hooked and the games have had me confused. I've never experienced this behaviour before so I couldn't work him out. I overthink a lot and want answers hence why I was looking on Google to see why he suddenly ignores me then comes back. I'm only hurt by the way he's treated me with disrespect. It wouldn't bother me if he was with other women although I'd rather know the truth as I don't want to be involved with a man that is going from woman to woman.

I can honestly say I have no feelings for him. He is not someone I would want a relationship with either. The challenge had me hooked and the games have had me confused. I've never experienced this behaviour before so I couldn't work him out. I overthink a lot and want answers hence why I was looking on Google to see why he suddenly ignores me then comes back. I'm only hurt by the way he's treated me with disrespect. It wouldn't bother me if he was with other women although I'd rather know the truth as I don't want to be involved with a man that is going from woman to woman.

If you don't care why do you care what he does inbetween sexual encounters? Purely sex means just that purely sex

Your statement condensed:

I am having sex with a man who has shown to be flaky from the start. This is a purely sexual situation but I get mad if he doesn't talk to me inbetween sexual encounters.

How would you read that?

Think of it this way, if one of your friends went a few days without talking to you, would you be going crazy looking up answers on google or would you call them and say hey whats up, or maybe not even notice?

You are analyzing his every move because ego and emotions are involved, whether you're attracted the the challenge or you have a need to prove yourself, your emotions are in this. If they werent you wouldnt be trying to figure all this out, you would walk away. Would you let a stranger treat you like this?

Its understandable you want to set a sexual boundary. Does he know this boundary, I thought you said you told him it was ok if he was talking to another girl just be honest?

We did set boundaries. I also made it clear from the start I am not interested in a f...buddy, I'm not interested in men that put it about. His words were that we can be friends with benefits, we use each other for sex and no need to look or go else where. It seems he's happy to look and or go else where but wouldn't be happy if I did. It also seems he just wants the benefits when he isn't getting it else where which to me is more of a fb than a fwb. I don't want to be taken on dates by this man, I'm not interested in him romantically but I do expect to be treated with more respect and be open and honest with his intentions.

We walk the dogs on the same route at the same times so often bump in to each other. Before we had sex we walked a few times together as he was asking me to walk together. Since we have had sex, I've suggested walking together a couple of times since we see each other anyways and end up walking back together but he kind of makes excuses. I just ask him what time he's walking and he replies with I've got running about to do, when I'm done. I've not asked again. So to me he's not interested in friendship but when he sees me he is the one that approaches me and is chatty. He wants the benefits without the friendship so that is a fb not a fwb.

I presume this is the same guy?

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=549180

You've been "confused" by him for two months now, from the very beginning he's been acting this way. You can't possibly be surprised since he's been this way since you two met.

If he confuses you and causes you to "over think" this much...why continue?

We did set boundaries. I also made it clear from the start I am not interested in a f...buddy, I'm not interested in men that put it about. His words were that we can be friends with benefits, we use each other for sex and no need to look or go else where. It seems he's happy to look and or go else where but wouldn't be happy if I did. It also seems he just wants the benefits when he isn't getting it else where which to me is more of a fb than a fwb. I don't want to be taken on dates by this man, I'm not interested in him romantically but I do expect to be treated with more respect and be open and honest with his intentions.

 

We walk the dogs on the same route at the same times so often bump in to each other. Before we had sex we walked a few times together as he was asking me to walk together. Since we have had sex, I've suggested walking together a couple of times since we see each other anyways and end up walking back together but he kind of makes excuses. I just ask him what time he's walking and he replies with I've got running about to do, when I'm done. I've not asked again. So to me he's not interested in friendship but when he sees me he is the one that approaches me and is chatty. He wants the benefits without the friendship so that is a fb not a fwb.

I agree, I think it is quite clear he is interested in a f*ck buddy and is not interested in adding friendship which honestly is his prerogative, maybe he doesn't want to confuse things. If this is not what you are looking for google isnt going to fix it for you. Doesn't seem to be a hidden reason, and why would you want there to be? That's not what this is.

If you presented yourself as something between NSA sex and Relationship that's perfectly fine, but like I said you have to be abundantly clear about what your expectations are of your arraignment and it doesn't appear that you really were, if you were your communication would be stellar and you wouldn't be googling answers you'd be asking him. Again, no harm no foul, these situations are rarely thoroughly discussed beforehand which is why they often have expiration dates of less than a year. You're not being ghosted, hes living out this arraignment the way he sees fit and quite frankly its working for him because you keep on as a wiling participant, if hes not meeting your expectation, go find someone who will. Its quite easy to find sexual partners now a days, particularly for women, what is it about this guy who you dont care about anyways?

Yes it the same guy. I have explained a few times in my previous posts why I have continued. He was like this from the start even before we had sex. He first ghosted me after I refused to have outdoor fun with him. Then he came back and we agreed to be friends with benefits. I posted here because i wanted to know why people ghost and try and understand why he is disappearing and reappearing. If you ghost you do it because of lack of interest and want out but him returning each time after a week or two had me confused.

I think it's the challenge. I'm attracted to him but he's not my usual type and I could never see him as a boyfriend. We both aren't looking for a relationship. He wanted a loyal friend with benefits so it seemed we were on the same page and neither of us would catch feelings. I'm not interested in a romantic relationship and wasn't even looking for a fwb until he came along and it seemed a perfect match minus the game playing. I think he's meeting many women on tinder for sex and moves on to the next, so he's just wanting to go from one to the next. I don't think he's changed like he said he had as to me he's still doing what he done since he split from his ex wife 4 years ago. Definitely major insecurity issues, trying to prove his worth going with many women.

 

I don't think he's changed like he said he had as to me he's still doing what he done since he split from his ex wife 4 years ago. Definitely major insecurity issues, trying to prove his worth going with many women.

What does that have to do with you? And why does it matter?

I feel like I'm just going in circles. I can't give you advice without ignoring the inconsistency and yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

I hope you get the advice you seek.

Yes it the same guy. I have explained a few times in my previous posts why I have continued. He was like this from the start even before we had sex. He first ghosted me after I refused to have outdoor fun with him. Then he came back and we agreed to be friends with benefits. I posted here because i wanted to know why people ghost and try and understand why he is disappearing and reappearing. If you ghost you do it because of lack of interest and want out but him returning each time after a week or two had me confused.

Lucky I put this answer as logically as I could.

He disappears after you've has sex because you served your purpose he doesn't want to be friends, he comes back around when he wants to have sex again, this is how f*ck buddies work. This can't be anymore obvious to you.

You may have told him you want more than f*ck buddies but you jump every time he pops back up so your actions don't match your words. Again this whole thing is quite logical.

He doesn't disappear straight after sex. I stated that in my previous post. We can be talking all day for a few days then he will stop replying. I know if I send another text it will go unanswered as if he is going to reply it's always as soon as he's read the message. This is when he disappears for a week or two. It's definitely ghosting to me.

I also made it clear to him that I am not interested in being involved with any man that sleeps around which is when he suggested friends with benefits and that he's looking for a loyal friends with benefits. Him going from one to the next is none of my business but I've made it clear if that's what he's doing then I wouldn't want to be involved which is why i am interested in knowing the truth.