Please help :( I found old naked pictures of him and his ex on his computer

I made this account because I'm desperate for some advice. Recently my boyfriend let me use his laptop because he has a Photoshop subscription. I started unloading my photos and found something that was absolutely gut punching. He had old photos of him and his ex nude, the time stamp of when the photo was taken was about 3 years ago but it says he viewed it 2 months ago. Meaning he's looked at this photos during our relationship. I know he wouldn't cheat and I know the photos are old and it's not even the fact he viewed them, I cant get over the fact that I saw my boyfriend nude with another girl.

I didn't go around snooping, it just happened and he has no idea that I came across these photos so I'm left to process this on my own and it's really messing up our relationship. It's making me jealous, resentful, self conscious and hurt that I saw them and that he still looks at them.

I love this guy and up until that moment, I thought I'd marry him and now I can't even think about a future because I think about a marriage where I have that image burned into my head. I never pictured that I'd see my dream husband with another girl sexually. I don't want to tell him because I feel embarrassed that I even found it but it's making me act out, I pick fights, I'm dieting like crazy because I'm insecure about my own body now, I cringe everytime I kiss him and so much more. Sometimes it doesn't bother me and sometimes I want him FAR AWAY from me. There's no contrast

I think my biggest fear is the fact that I can't unsee something. I just keep thinking "if I stayed at work that day and didn't go home and edit photos during my sick leave, we'd be perfect, I'd live in ignorance but I'd live in security." Im also too scared to walk away because I'm worried that I won't find someone else. Im stuck between: taking off and hoping I find someone else OR staying with the guy I love but having this eat at me everytime I look at him.

Any advice would help, please. Be honest and tell me what you'd do.

So . .what are your choices here?

You can decide to end it

You can just give it some time and let this moment pass. And honestly that would be choice. Holding onto to it and allowing to eat away at you serves absolutely no purpose.

Or you can tell him what you saw, if it helps.

Not sure what your guy is like but maybe discussing it would make it better.

Outside of these three things I don't know what else you can do about it.

I don't think it's a great sign that he has those photos and looks at them still. To me, it signifies he has not completely put that relationship in the past. Also, who knows how is ex would feel about him viewing her naked body long after them being together? She may not be keen on the fact that he hasn't deleted the nudes if she was aware.

I held onto some sentimental photos of my ex when I was in my last relationship, because I hadn't fully processed my feelings about the person (yes, one or two were of him naked). I loved my boyfriend with all my heart, but I think a part of me still loved my ex too, which made it hard to delete the memories. I guess what I'm trying to say is maybe you should talk to him about it. He's dishonoring you both by having those pictures, and it may be a sign of deeper troubles.

If I were you I'd tell him what I found and how upset it made me, and that I cant unsee the photos. You know you weren't snooping so there was no malice intended. There's an old line about how the truth will set you free, and it will. Once you tell what you know, it's out in the open to discuss. His reaction will also be telling.

You had a past with other men didn't you? It didn't work out and doesn't mean anything right now at this point in time, correct?

It is his past.

Yes, I know it was difficult to see, but let it go. Don't let it ruin a good thing.

He made mistakes and that's all this was, is a mistake, otherwise he wouldn't have ended it.

You and he sound as though you have something very strong and worthwhile, especially if you are considering marriage.

Don't let this foolish thing get in the way.

As for looking at it, who knows why he did.

Boredom, just looking at past crap. I know when I have been bored I have looked over past memories. It doesn't mean anything at all.

If you feel the need to mention it to him so he can delete them, then do so. It shouldn't be a big deal.

But honestly, try to erase it from your mind.

He loves YOU, he wants to be with YOU and is sharing a life with YOU.

Don't let some past mistake with some crap woman ruin things...and yes she must have been crap otherwise he wouldn't have left her.

It does seem odd he would hold onto those photos, I know after a relationship ends I get rid of any trace of it had existed but that's just me.

I think you should tell him you stumbled upon those photos by accident and just talk more about it. You won't get anywhere being hot and cold with him, if anything you are just confusing him.

It's never great to see your partner with another woman in the nude. Fact is, he has a past and you were unfortunate enough to get a literal glimpse into that. I can see how that image is hard to shake.

I don't see an issue keeping old photos at all. I still have tons of old photos on my computer, because they are a part of my life and I don't want to erase that.

What I find a little odd is that he accessed this specific one two months ago. Could've been innocent, but I think in this case it's legit to ask. Doesn't sound like you snooped, so I think asking him about it might be a good idea.

Keeping photos of exes is ok, but keeping NAKED photos of exes is creepy imo. Unless she is an exhibitionist, his ex would probably cringe if she knew. I would discuss his need to keep naked photos of his ex long after the end of a relationship and decide on my course of action based on the answer/explanation. Seeing him naked with an ex is not the real problem imo. You knew that he had a sexual past and you have one of your own. What he uses these photos for/why he keeps them around would be my question. Unless he got explicit permission from his ex to keep them, I would view this as a violation of another person's trust and privacy and THAT would be a major turn off for me.

Well, women freak out when they find their boyfriend looks at porn, and they get even more upset when they find naked pictures of his ex. But women don't see porn the same way as men. Men are visually oriented. 96% of men look at porn at least once a month, and about 40% of women do. Men like to look at pictures of naked women. And they like to look at naked real women. They're mostly masturbation aids. When your girlfriend or wife is too tired, too busy, or just not there, men use porn to get off. And then they just put the pictures aside when they're finished. It doesn't mean they are planning to go back to old girlfriends or take off with the girl on the porn website. And they're not sex addicts. If 96% of men are doing it, then it's common and natural.

You're acting like he's cheated on you, and he didn't. He's with you and he's loyal. You can trust him. The pictures are a memento. A fantasy. A will o' the wisp. Accept that your boyfriend masturbates and these are just aids. If it will make you feel better, have him take some naked pictures of you so he can masturbate to them when you're tired, busy or traveling.

Sorry DanZee, but nude photos of an ex don't qualify as run of the mill porn. I get what you're saying, but I doubt he's looking at naked photos of his ex without some emotional backdrop. There's a big wide web out there with anything you could possibly want to see. He doesn't need to be hoarding pictures of him and his ex. I love porn and I am a woman. Never have had issues with my man viewing porn or masturbating - i actually encourage masturbation and think it's a healthy part of a long-term relationship. But actual nudes of a previous partner? That's kind of messed up and crosses a line. I'm not surprised someone would feel insecure knowing their boyfriend who they are serious enough with to consider marriage still gets off to photos of the last girl he was with.

Woah, woah, woah.

Talk about assumptions.

Getting off to the pics? Still having emotions attached?

Maybe he doesn't give two craps about the pics and simply forgot to erase them or just hasn't bothered.

That doesn't mean he's "into them" or likes looking at them.

I am guilty too of keeping old pics. They don't mean anything other than I am lazy about cleaning out my computer.

It's just a meaningless picture from a time that no longer exists. Nothing more.

Eh, maybe I'm old-fashioned but keeping naked photos around of someone you're not involved with anymore is weird, especially if you're in a committed relationship. If he opened them and doesn't care about them, why not delete the pictures? I don't think it means he doesn't love his current partner, but I think it's worth a conversation.

Also, for the record I agree with you about the jacking off assumption being a bit hasty, but I think emotional relevance is a given. He would have gotten rid of the photos if he didn't care about them at all. My last reply was based on DanZee's comment that getting off to nudes of an ex is akin to getting off to any other porn.

Yes, a chat about it is definitely warranted.

But again I am thinking it's more like an old trophy thing. It's ridiculous and useless. But my thoughts were more along those lines.

How long have you been dating? Are you engaged? How old is he? You both have a past, no? Unfortunately you can't unsee something so either you have to break up or come to grips that he has a past and somehow saved a racy photo of that.

it says he viewed it 2 months ago, Meaning he's looked at this photos during our relationship. I never pictured that I'd see my dream husband with another girl sexually.

You can create some emotional problem out of this, or you can recognize that you'll never find a man who has sprung from the womb fully formed without a sexual history.

It's a decision.

THe fact that photos of him together nude exist to me would be the bigger problem. With all the danger of the wrong hands getting on photos and distributing them, why even take them? And if they exist, why save them after the breakup? Honestly, I would not be with someone who had nude photos taken of them (legitimate classical style artist model is the exception). But that's up to you. I would honestly decide what i wanted to do --- since you didn't snoop and he KNOWS you were in his account by his permission, i would bring the topic up because otherwise it will continue to bother you.

I was in your situation but I was the guy. Ex did snoop but she says she was just curious and says i would've done the same. I understand as I've snooped in the past in prior relationships but past experiences have taught me that snooping never leads to anything good.

As far as the photos, it was more validating of my ego and getting off than any emotional attachment to those exes. My ex saw it as me holding onto the past and questioning whether I was attracted to her. I really did love her and very attracted to her. She felt someone who had these photos/videos are not respectful and no respect means there was no love.

I didn't fight about deleting those photos and videos. But that incident gave her a reason to start commanding different things like taking all photos of exes out of my photo album into a flash drive, removing photos of me and other women unless we were in a group setting because it's disrespectful, cutting off female friends she felt was too flirty or friendly. The incident just spread into other areas of life and I felt like my whole life was being audited and my girlfriend became a parole officer. Basically, that incident became a justification to audit and control my social media, my friendships, my life.

My ex lost trust for me and she felt I never loved her because I was so disrespectful to have had those photos in the first place.

It's not any different than the nudes she sent or took with me. My mistake was not deleting them. Many of those photos and videos were buried in my photo archives "unused" but my photo archives are a scattered mess of receipts, memes, screenshots, good photos, dumb photos, etc. The only indexing or organizing done is through whatever automatation in the photo program.

In my experience, having the old photos and video weren't a reflection of me holding onto the past where I'd be emotionally unavailable to my current girlfriend. I moved on from those exes and didn't hesitate to get rid of them and will be sure to do so moving forward.

If that's the case with your ex, it's up to you to see if you can accept that your boyfriend is not perfect but is he worth keeping around long term. Maybe he agrees that it was a mistake to have them. Do you believe him? Do you trust him? Or maybe he's still emotionally attached to his exes as other suggestions.

Therapy can't help you unsee anything or change who he is w or what's on his computer, but it could help with the insecurity and dieting and jealousy.

He had old photos of him and his ex nude, the time stamp of when the photo was taken was about 3 years ago but it says he viewed it 2 months ago.

he's looked at this photos during our relationship.

It's making me jealous, resentful, self conscious

it's making me act out, I pick fights, I'm dieting like crazy because I'm insecure about my own body now

Im also too scared to walk away because I'm worried that I won't find someone else.

Eh, maybe I'm old-fashioned but keeping naked photos around of someone you're not involved with anymore is weird, especially if you're in a committed relationship. If he opened them and doesn't care about them, why not delete the pictures? I don't think it means he doesn't love his current partner, but I think it's worth a conversation.

 

Also, for the record I agree with you about the jacking off assumption being a bit hasty, but I think emotional relevance is a given. He would have gotten rid of the photos if he didn't care about them at all. My last reply was based on DanZee's comment that getting off to nudes of an ex is akin to getting off to any other porn.

TAKING photos of yourself or an SO naked together or solo to me is questionable - except in the case of being legitimate models taken in the context of legitimate art/advertising, etc.

Photos can end up anywhere, as illustrated by the math teacher who lost her job over topless selfies (WHICH I AGREE WITH - if you have that lax judgment, you should not be teaching young people.) I would not have stayed with my guy if i found out that pictures of him existed because it speaks to two very different values or privacy.