Should I Ask Him to Text/Communicate with me more?

Just hoping for some clarity on whether this is an issue or if it is worth making into an issue. I've been dating my boyfriend for going on 2 years now. We are both divorced and each have 3 kids. From the start, he has never really been "good" at texting me in general. For the past 6 months, we have had a pretty set routine, where we have dinner every Wednesday and spend every weekend (Friday-Sunday) together. We used to have lunch more often during the week but that has mostly been phased out and we do dinner instead because it's easier than trying to coordinate our work lunch schedules.

My "issue" is that I barely hear from him on the days we aren't seeing each other. Usually when we say goodbye Sunday night, I don't hear from him again until Wednesday night. If I text him it usually goes unanswered, unless I ask a very direct question that needs an answer. And even then, it's usually several hours before he replies. So I have gotten good at mentally preparing myself to not hear from him on Monday/Tuesday and then again on Thursday. But sometimes, if I'm having a bad day, I just want to connect and have his support. But I usually don't text him because I don't want to send a text and then have radio silence in return because that upsets me even more.

There have been occasions where plans have changed, or I've felt like I really wanted to have his support. For instance on a Tuesday once I texted him late afternoon and told him something horrible had happened at work and that I really needed to talk, and he came straight to my house after he got off work and spent a couple hours talking to me about it. Or if something else is going on Wednesday night (like an event at the kids school), then we will reschedule dinner to Thursday night instead.

Several months ago I did mention to him in an indirect way that I would like it if we could communicate more often when we're not together, and he basically dismissed it and said he cannot stand talking on the phone, and that texting is even worse than talking on the phone to him. That he feels it's not a good way to communicate other than to just confirm plans or whatnot, and that he'd rather communicate in person. Which I understand and have tried to honor. But for some reason, it's really hard for me to go days without talking to him. And lately it's been bothering me even more. So I'm considering asking him if we could at least connect once a day - just to say good morning/good night, thinking about you, etc. Something short and simple. But I don't know if that would make things worse, or if it's worth making an issue of. Maybe this is just my insecurities and it would be better for me to continue to work on changing my perception of the situation. Thank you!

There is nothing intrinsically wrong with wanting more communication via text or phone when you are apart. However, from what you've described, it sounds like a point of incompatibility between you and your partner. Directly ask him if it would be alright for you to communicate more on days that you don't see each other. Explain how you feel and why you feel the way you do. Then, give him an uninterrupted chance to share his view.

It sounds like for the most part you guys have a relationship where you're both content and able to compromise. If he's not willing to meet you halfway on this issue, you'll have to decide if it's worth continuing the relationship or not.

It's not your insecurities. If what he is saying is true, it would then reflect your incompatibility.

If he isn't a texter and isn't hiding anything, then why not reach a compromise? If he really never wants to call and text and really does care for you, then you can try to compromise on maybe one or two text a day just to say hi or wish him well on something that is happening.

Communication is needed for love and affection and so I don't blame you. If he really is just an old school distant man, than I wouldn't push the issues too much if he has nothing to hide.

It's not supposed to be easy to go days not talking to somebody you care about. Don't dismiss your feelings, they are valid.

It seems to me that he is very much there for you when you actually need him. Like when you told him that something horrible happened, he dropped whatever and came over in person to comfort you and be there for you - if that's not caring, then I don't know what is. However, instead, you are choosing to focus on inane bs like good morning texts. I don't know....is that really the hill you want to die on? You really need to ask yourself if you want a man in your life who is consistent and will be there for you when it's important OR if you want some schmuck who'll text you nonsense all day long and then go awol when it comes to something real.

If he is not a texter and you need to talk, why not pick up the phone? He doesn't ask you to hold anything in and he has demonstrated with actions that he is there for you when you do speak up. So what do you really want?

It may be best to focus on this since a lot of people are not into texting, dislike text chats and do not like the idea of being tethered to texts. Save it for factual communication such as a question or information, like a change in plans, etc. Don't watch the clock when texting...it's the road to frustration and doesn't mean anything.

If I text him it usually goes unanswered, unless I ask a very direct question that needs an answer.

But sometimes, if I'm having a bad day, I just want to connect and have his support.

I mean, you want what you want. It's not wrong to like calls or texts. It's also not wrong that he really isn't into calling or texting. I've always maintained that the onus to reconcile with a disparity of ideals is on the person who would have their partner actively change their behavior. For instance, my fiancee texts me much more often than I do (though that's not to say she at all spams me). I'll usually get at least one message during the workday, whether through text or gchat. I'll get around to reading them, but will generally wait to follow up on anything notable until we see each other again. And this was before we started living together, too. Basically, she knew I hate texting, and if she was going to text something to me, it'd have to be because it's something she was sending because she wanted to send it and for me to eventually read, not necessarily because I was going to text back. Conversely, I've never told her, "Hey, you know I don't like texting, so stop doing it." She's comfortable knowing I'm thinking of her even if I don't text, and I'm fine with her feeling compelled for her own benefit to express that she's thinking about me. I definitely can't say that would or should work for everyone, but it's gotten us by pretty happily enough to get married in August.

Have you two discussed how to perhaps someday blend your families? Not to suggest there should be any rush, but while I don't necessarily think he should be made to "compromise" by texting and calling you, I do think you'd ideally be progressing toward having that desired regular presence you're seeking daily through phone communication instead in person.

Well, I can understand what your boyfriend is saying. Texting really should be used like telegrams. Things like "Pipe broke, need help." "Bring home milk." And "Pick me up at the train station." It really shouldn't be used for dating or conversing because it can lead to misunderstandings and miscommunication. I don't like talking on the telephone either, but mostly it's because I can't get off of it. If Mom calls, I'm on the phone for 90 minutes and there goes the evening.

You know, before cell phones and the Internet, couples were satisfied with a couple of phone calls a week. There wasn't this constant contact. I find that people texting me causes me to interrupt what I'm doing and I lose my train of thought, and it might be the same with your boyfriend. You didn't say what kind of work your bf does, and you didn't say how much he has to deal with his 3 kids and ex wife, but guys compartmentalize things, even in their relationships. It's like, I'm going to deal with this today, I'm going to deal with this tomorrow and I'll deal with my gf on Wednesday. Sorry, but we guys do approach relationships like a "to do" list.

And I wouldn't advise you having "the talk" with your boyfriend. Guys hate "the talk." How are you suppose to respond to someone saying, you don't contact me enough? The answer is, "well, I contact you as much as I can." Then an argument ensues and crying starts.

You know, we get a lot of posts on ENA complaining that their boyfriends don't even make an effort to visit their gfs, so you should be happy that he has woven you into his life and sees you 3 nights a week. I mean, his ex wife and 3 kids must take up a lot of his time too. In addition to working, I'm sure he's giving you all the time he can. I would caution you to be careful about putting more demands on him. From his perspective, he may be doing everything he can. Try to see it from his point of view.

From what you’ve written (and I gather you’re in a committed RL?), I don’t see the issue being “texting” per se, but staying “connected” on the days you don’t see each other.

You feel disconnected during your time apart, and those feelings are valid. I also think this is often a major bone of contention in many RLs, men don't need that daily contact to stay connected, but many women do.

When I’m in a committed RL, I might be okay with no contact for one day, or if either one of us is traveling, even 2 days, or longer even, depending on the circumstances.

But to intentionally wish to NOT stay connected with you on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday (every single week), even ever so briefly (“good morning babe hope you have a great day”) just to keep that connection alive, would be an issue for me too. Not to mention the times when you’ve reached out to him, he ignores!

Not sure what talking to him about it will do, if he doesn’t have the desire to stay connected with you on these days, no amount of talking is gonna change that.

It sounds to me like he needs that space, that lone time. Some people need more space than others, there’s no wrong or right. And if you push the issue, it’s possible he may feel pressured to give more, which has the potential of him wanting even more space.

You either accept and be happy with what he does give you, or if you’re unable to do that, move on and look for a man who has the desire to stay connected with you, even on the days you don’t see each other.

Thank you for saying this. I think the idea that I'm on his "to do" list is an accurate perception. I have felt like that sometimes, but hadn't consciously put it into those words. He does have a lot going on. And to be fair, when he is with me, he is all with me. I never feel like something else is more important. And he has stated on more than one occasion that he is invested in our relationship and has no plans to walk away from it. We rarely have big arguments on anything. It usually feels like things are going smoothly and we click very well when together.

He is an electrical engineer and I'm a systems engineer - we both work at the same place, just different departments (we did not meet at work however and rarely ever run into each other). I have my children 80% of the time (as their father lives out of town), and he has his children 50% of the time (week on, week off). He has had some extra stress lately as his ex filed for full custody last month and so that is something he's been having to deal with. It's a mess.

I don't think I will have "the talk" with him. I think you are right not to do that. I really don't want to cause further problems and I'm glad you pointed out another way to look at it.

I too prefer in person vs text and phone. It’s pretty cool that he literally dropped everything just to spend some time with you when you were going through a hard time.

Is it really texting that’s the problem? Why is it important to you? Dig deeper and you might find some things to work on in yourself before putting it on him to change his ways.

It’s also totally okay if you decide this is a deal breaker but just know that the majority of men out there (especially older ones) don’t like texting that much... and constant texting does not validate whether the relationship is a good one or how he feels about you.

I did ask him if he would have a problem with me calling him if I ever felt like I really needed to talk, and he said basically what you said - that yes it would be fine if I called him to vent, as long as it's not happening all the time. But even though he said it, I've been hesitant to actually try it... I'm not sure why. I guess I am scared that even calling once would be deemed "too much". That was several months ago he said that. He has called me on two different occasions that meant a lot to me. The first was when he was out of the country for 2.5 weeks last year - he called me halfway through his trip to say hi and make sure I was doing alright. The other time was the only time we have had a major disagreement - which was back in January. I left his house crying and very upset, and he called me several hours later to make sure I was alright and said he was feeling very crappy about our argument and was not happy with the way he handled it.

In March we did discuss blending families. He said that he's not ready now, and doesn't think he'll be ready for at least another year, but probably more like 2-3 years. Which was almost a relief for me in ways, because I don't think I'm ready either. The thought of having 6 kids to take care of daily instead of 3 is a lot (all kids are between ages 4 and 10) ... not to mention the fact that I very much want to be confident that this has a strong chance of lasting before moving my children in with another man. But yes, hopefully in another year or 2 we will get to a place where we can actually see each other in person on a more daily basis.

You are spot on. It's not the lack of texting that bothers me, it's a feeling of disconnect for a day or two. I don't think he's intentionally wishing to not be in contact with me - because he will reply or come over if there's a good enough reason to. But I also don't think he feels a need to connect all the time - and I don't think he fully knows that it bothers me. (Because sometimes it doesn't bother me and up to this point I haven't let on or made a big deal of it bothering me). I do think you are right that he just needs space and time alone. I've often thought those are probably his days to recuperate from social interactions (especially on his weeks without his kids).

For the most part, when we are together, I am happy. I really feel like he is the type of person I want in my life and around my kids. So I don't think I'm ready to break it off with him just yet over the minimal contact we have on the "off" days. I guess time will tell if this is really something I can live with or not.

Anaya, did you read my post about feeling disconnected during your time apart?

Is this what you're feeling when he doesn't text you?

When I read posts about someone not being happy with how often their partner texts them, imo it's not the lack of texting that's the issue, the issue is that the person needing more texts doesn't feel connected to their partner on these "off" days.

The lack of communication, especially on a regular basis, creates a certain distance in the RL that some people find difficult to handle or adjust to.

As I said in my post, some people need more distance than others, and if they're not compatible in this regard, it can cause problems.

There is no wrong or right here, perhaps try focusing on the positive things he gives you -- he's consistent and he's "there" for you when you really need him. And the other things he gives you which you haven't mentioned here.

On the days you don't see him, my advice would be to keep busy with your own life, don't stress that you haven't heard from him and stay positive knowing you will see him soon.

ETA: Apologies, I posted this before I read your post responding!

He is an electrical engineer and I'm a systems engineer - we both work at the same place, just different departments (we did not meet at work however and rarely ever run into each other). I have my children 80% of the time (as their father lives out of town), and he has his children 50% of the time (week on, week off). He has had some extra stress lately as his ex filed for full custody last month and so that is something he's been having to deal with. It's a mess.

Wow! His plate is full. Give that guy a medal!

You are making a lot of assumptions on his behalf and perhaps projecting a lot of your personal fears and insecurities. Have you actually asked him about alone time and how much of that does he need? What does he do on those days anyway?

As for not reaching out to him when you need to, this is completely on you and something you need to work on. He can't read your mind and know when you need him unless you speak up.

Looking from the outside it almost reads like you don't have enough problems or drama so you are trying to create some......

What kinds of texts are you sending? You mention he replies when it's a question.

I guess time will tell if this is really something I can live with or not.

What kinds of texts are you sending? You mention he replies when it's a question.

When I'm feeling "disconnected", I will usually send a text like "Thinking of you", or "thanks for the coffee you bought me the other day, I wasn't expecting that". He virtually never answers those types of texts.

If I ask him, "How's your workday look tomorrow? Do you think you can squeeze in lunch with me?" He will *usually* answer "yes".

Or if I ask him a question like, "Did you see the sale on Baldur's Gate on Steam this week? Do you think you will buy it?" he will sometimes answer, and sometimes wait until the next time he sees me to answer. Those types of questions are up in the air as to whether he answers or not.

Okay he does sound very busy, so are many people and they have no problem keeping in touch, even if it's just very briefly in the morning or evening; I still maintain he needs more personal space than you, and there is nothing wrong with that.

That said, something you might consider doing is, instead of asking him if he could text more often, tell him how you feel on these off days -- something like "I feel disconnected on the days we don't see each other," and see how he responds.

Ideally, he will want to know why you feel disconnected and you can discuss and reach some sort of compromise. That's healthy.

What would not be healthy if he starts accusing you of being overly needy, insecure or whatever.

A good RL is about "understanding" each other and your respective needs, and reaching that healthy compromise.

Good luck!

When I'm feeling "disconnected", I will usually send a text like "Thinking of you", or "thanks for the coffee you bought me the other day, I wasn't expecting that". He virtually never answers those types of texts.

 

If I ask him, "How's your workday look tomorrow? Do you think you can squeeze in lunch with me?" He will *usually* answer "yes".

 

Or if I ask him a question like, "Did you see the sale on Baldur's Gate on Steam this week? Do you think you will buy it?" he will sometimes answer, and sometimes wait until the next time he sees me to answer. Those types of questions are up in the air as to whether he answers or not.

Wrong or right, that would drive me insane.

Early stages is one thing, but a committed relationship?

How open is he when you're actually together? Is he emotionally expressive, does he share things about his life, ask you about your life?

To me this about closeness and emotional intimacy - sounds like you need more, he needs less.

Again no wrong or right, you're just different.

Yeah, don't send those type of texts. They don't requires a response. If you want to connect, state something meaningful or ask a meaningful question. It sounds like a communication issue. Try not to use texts as random chitchat. Use texts to communicate something. For example "do you want to try eating at xyz Weds"? Why keep sending texts that you know he won't respond to because they don't require a response? Keep things simple.

I will usually send a text like "Thinking of you", or "thanks for the coffee you bought me the other day, I wasn't expecting that". He virtually never answers those types of texts.

If I ask him, "How's your workday look tomorrow? Do you think you can squeeze in lunch with me?" He will *usually* answer "yes".

 

Why keep sending texts that you know he won't respond to because they don't require a response?

I would imagine because she wants (and needs) to stay close on these "off" days and there is absolutely nothing wrong with this.

I send my bf these types of texts too sometimes, he would never ignore, he always responds back with "something" even if just wink! Sometimes it's more. It's an acknowledgment and I think that's important.

Maybe it's a Venus vs. Mars thing, but to flat out ignore or wait until next time you see each other, I think is rude and insensitive, I would definitely NOT be okay with this either.

How open is he when you're actually together? Is he emotionally expressive, does he share things about his life, ask you about your life?

He is very emotionally expressive when we are together. He really encourages talking through things, and if he senses something is up with me, he usually asks what is wrong and if I say "nothing", he usually says "Ok, but please don't bottle anything up. If something is bothering you, you need to tell me". So we've had a lot of conversations about various things. And he usually remembers important things. For instance, my daughter had a rather concerning doctor appointment last week, and the first thing he asked when he walked in the door Friday night was, "How was her doctor appointment? What are they recommending?" So when we are together I feel emotionally close to him. It's just the not responding to my emotional texts when we are apart that is difficult for me. I guess that's why I was debating bringing up to him how it affects me. But I like your idea of just letting him know how I feel and see how he responds. I might just do that tonight.

He is very emotionally expressive when we are together. He really encourages talking through things, and if he senses something is up with me, he usually asks what is wrong and if I say "nothing", he usually says "Ok, but please don't bottle anything up. If something is bothering you, you need to tell me". So we've had a lot of conversations about various things. And he usually remembers important things. For instance, my daughter had a rather concerning doctor appointment last week, and the first thing he asked when he walked in the door Friday night was, "How was her doctor appointment? What are they recommending?" So when we are together I feel emotionally close to him. It's just the not responding to my emotional texts when we are apart that is difficult for me. I guess that's why I was debating bringing up to him how it affects me. But I like your idea of just letting him know how I feel and see how he responds. I might just do that tonight.

Wow this sheds a bit of a different light on things! When something is troubling you, why do you say "nothing" - what is that about? He sounds like a really good guy, encouraging you to open up and not keep things bottled up, which is exactly what you've been doing!

May I ask why? This could have been nipped in the bud a long time ago, had you simply expressed your feelings about it, telling him how disconnected you feel when you don't talk and he doesn't acknowledge your texts.

He may actually understand that, as it's not a demand that he text more, give more (which is how some guys view such request), but more about your feelings.

Anyway, yeah I'm glad you're going to talk to him tonight, good luck and keep us posted!

Well, I don't usually say "nothing". I usually tell him what's up. I just meant that if I do say something like that, he will encourage me to speak up, which I've always felt was a positive trait for him to have.

And I did mention that several months ago (probably 5-6 at this point), I had indirectly mentioned to him that I would like to communicate more on our off days, but his response was literally that he can't stand talking on the phone or texting and prefers to do it in person. I didn't want to push it at the time, and so I have tried to honor that with him. But part of me has not been able to completely give up on reaching out to him when I want to connect (so I will sometimes text him once during those 2 days away), but generally no response. And for some reason it's been bothering me more again lately. I'm not sure why. Possibly because I'm feeling more stressed about everything and so I'm having a harder time not being acknowledged when he doesn't reply. But I think I will bring it up again to him tonight that I've been feeling disconnected when we don't communicate at all during those times and see what his response is.

 

And I did mention that several months ago (probably 5-6 at this point), I had indirectly mentioned to him that I would like to communicate more on our off days, but his response was literally that he can't stand talking on the phone or texting and prefers to do it in person.

I can understand this, a lot of people hate texting/talking on phone, but it's not like you're asking for a protracted text exchange, just a simple acknowledgement that he received your text and wishing you a good day too, or even doing something as simple as sending a wink as my bf sometimes does when super busy.

I am baffled as to why you didn't tell him this when he told you he doesn't like texting or talking on phone. It's not much to ask and if something so simple that literally takes two seconds would make you feel more connected on your off days, I don't see how he could have a problem with it.

I think you need to start being more honest, and he's right, stop keeping things bottled up. If ever you feel troubled by something, speak up, not in an accusatory way, just express your own feelings about it, calmly and rationally and gauge his response.

Anyway, good luck talking to him tonight and stay positive! This sounds like a breakdown of communication on both sides, so stay positive and trust that he will understand and you can somehow reach a healthy compromise.