I think i want to reach out after 4 months

Ive already made a few posts about my breakup and i’m not completely sure what i want to get out of posting this time but i think i need some voices of reason. It’s been four months since i stopped talking to my ex and about the same amount of time since the breakup. Throughout that time my ex has reached out four times as well as unfollowing me then following me again in the same day. Anytime i post a snapchat story his friend and roommate is always the first person to watch (he never watched before the breakup?) . I haven’t done or said anything this whole time for many reasons, one being that he immediately got into a relationship after leaving me. I’m not sure if it’s a rebound or not but it’s disturbing either way that he’s made several attempts of reaching out. This last time however has gotten to me. He sent me a message that i didn’t get the chance to read. The message preview started as “I’ve been afraid of going forward with..” I was planning on reading it later on when i prepared myself for what it would say, but he deleted it before i could. He sent it saturday night and deleted it Monday morning. I think if he deleted it because he regretted what he said he would have A.) deleted it sooner and B.) sent another message saying to disregard what he said. In my opinion he deleted it because he thought i declined his message request. It wouldn’t be unlike me considering i’ve ignored him all this time. I can’t know exactly what he said or what’s going on in his head but recently, and this is a week and a half to two weeks after he sent the message, i’ve been wanting really badly to reach out and either ask why he deleted the message or just let him know i didn’t get to read it. It’s been a burning urge for a few days now but i’m also pretty terrified. I’ve gotten comfortable in my no contact but this has been eating at me and it almost feels like it’s time to just do it. I’m not sure if i can be persuaded against it but my biggest problem is i’m not sure if i’m fully prepared for any outcome. I think logically i am but i get this feeling in my stomach of nervousness. I want to know how i can prepare myself to be okay with rejection. I’m not trying to get back together but i’m just scared of the unknown. This is a huge ramble but any advice would be nice. This is one of those irrational breakup rants but i can’t get out of my funk and just want some input/support.

Just my 2 cents but I would remain NC if you still are obsessing this much. It's obvious he still isn't over it and neither are you. Any contact right now could really set you back and hurt you more. Remove/block all reminders of him...this includes him and his friends/family.

When you don't know what was said, the imagination runs wild and that's what you are dealing with right now. Thing is that he most likely deleted it, because he woke up and realized he was just full of bs and probably best that you don't get caught up in that.

Do yourself a favor and just block him and his friends/fam from your social media. Right now you aren't really in NC because every view, every like every indirect contact by either him or anyone connected with him sets you back to zero every single time. You are sitting there thinking why, was it him, does he still care, etc, etc, etc. It's not really NC and in some ways it's even worse, because you are just sitting and guessing and wondering and can't get your mind off him and onto better things in life.

He's still in a relationship with another girl, right? What is your intention by reaching out? He's already shown you that he doesn't respect the current relationship that he is in. Likely, if he got with the girl right after you broke up, he was messaging her while he was with you.

You've made thread after thread obsessing over this guy who clearly doesn't care about anyone but himself. Actually block him and free yourself of this very unhealthy obsession. I guarantee if you reach out to him you will regret it.

"ex left me for someone else?

My ex left me for another girl. We had a conversation and he apologized and said he didn’t think she was better than me and they probably wouldnt last long. I forgave him and wished him the best. Then i went no contact. He messaged me the day after saying someone reminds him a lot of me. Then a month later he just sent me a link to something he thought i’d find interesting. I didn’t respond to either of these. Then on his birthday he messaged me at around 11 at night. I hadn’t wished him a happy birthday or anything. He sends me this message “ I'm really sorry to message you if I you probably hate me or have my number blocked idk but I just wanted to tell you I'm extremely sorry for the way things ended and I appreciate your place in my life and I really want you to know that I haven't just forgot about also I want to know youre alive” I didn’t respond but i would love insight into what he’s thinking. I already forgave him so apologizing again seems repetitive. Any input would be greatly appreciated!"

He cheated and dumped you for another. Why would you want to contact him? Certainly, you can do better than this guy!

Block him, already! He does not care about you. He is probably looking for some side action.

 

He cheated and dumped you for another. Why would you want to contact him? Certainly, you can do better than this guy!

 

Block him, already! .

All the above and you've stated over and over that there is zero possibility of reconciliation, so what difference does it make really?

He loves you, wants you back

He's happy with his new relationship

He wants to be alone forever

He's sorry for the pain he's caused

Yes, the possibilities are endless. . .but do any of them change the outcome?

Besides you are giving this guy way too much importance and he doesn't deserve it.

You can go ahead and reach out to find out, but my guess is you will suffer a set back and all the work you've put into moving forward would be for nothing.

"I've been afraid of going forward with(insert girls name here) " is a possibility. He might have wanted to see if you'd take him back before he goes forward with her. I've thought about this since your last thread, but didn't wanna say it. Anyway I think he realized he shouldn't have sent whatever it was, and retracted it. Just be patient. If it's important, he will try again.

You don't want him back anyway, so try to put it out of your mind.

He cheated on her and dumped her for the other girl.

I think the advice you've gotten above is pretty sound. The big picture facts here are pretty simple: You remain hurt, confused, and as much as you want the head/heart spin to stop it keeps on spinning, at different speeds at different times.That is perfectly okay, normal. I think you also need to acknowledge, or at least consider, that part of you (part heart, part ego) wants validation from him in some form. Also okay, natural. Meanwhile, he also remains hurt (self-induced), confused, conflicted about where (and maybe who) he is, and at times wants some sort of vague validation from you. Oh, and he ALSO remains involved with the woman he left you for.

That's quite a stew in itself, and I'm sure the logical part of your brain knows that adding more spice to it in the form of contact may not bring much clarity of comfort. That said, sometimes we do need a little dose of discomfort to realize that the discomfort we were already sitting with—that "burning urge" you describe—is not something that can be soothed from contact (and is more manageable without contact). And sometimes a little contact with an ex does push us further along in healing, though it also drudges up a new layer of momentary confusion. In this I speak from experience: all post-breakup contact with my ex has been confusing, but it also, in time, let me see that there's really nothing for us to say anymore (and I write this the day after she unblocked me from Instagram, so of course part of my brain wants to know WHY; in other words, it's endless, at least if we let if be endless!).

Whatever his intentions were in writing you, and then in deleting the message, it shows that he doesn't really have a grip on his feelings, wants, needs. Both the message, and the deletion of it, were impulsive gestures. Wanting to comb through the impulses of another to find some thread of logic is always a maze, never stable ground. You'll get something, some kind of information, but it is never quite the thing you wanted.

I'd really encourage you to try to take some sort of solace in the one thing his reach-outs show you: you remain on his mind, and in his heart. If you want that validation, you already have it. So take it, and then remind yourself that you are where you are because things weren't working and he made some really awful choices. But if you're determined to reach out, and it sounds like you are, really take some time to be honest about your intentions and your hopes.

I recommend you search on this forum for posts written by people who chose to break no contact. See how it worked out for them (usually not well).

However, since you haven't returned I presume you went ahead and contacted him. So, how did it go?

I hope you didn't contact him. Even if he's nice, it won't be good for you.

I'm on 4 months too. Just this week I thought I saw my dumper at a cafe downstairs in the high-rise where I work.

I didn't have a plan. So I ducked around the corner and stalked her for about 5 minutes thinking it was her. Heart racing, adrenaline pumping, emotionally higher than a kite.

Turns out it wasn't her - after she stood up, I could tell - unless she got a boob job and shortened her legs. LOL

Point being - I started obsessing again...right there on the spot. Then I started going through old texts and emails - searching for "breaking no contact", looking at her social accounts, checking out our old pictures and starting to get those deep, painful feelings again.

I've since stopped that behavior, but even just the thought of MAYBE seeing her set me back weeks.

Like someone else said - if you're concerned, then you're not ready yet.

Hope this helps.

Thanks everyone for your input! Also boltnrun i haven’t reached out to him yet haha. Believe me i’m the opposite of impulsive. I’ve been thinking i’ve wanted to message for a bit now but i haven’t because obviously i want to think things through. I know most are saying not to. Almost everyone. Though bluecastle mentioning how breaking no contact can sometimes nudge you along in a confusing way (i didn’t word that well but you can read his post) seems to be what i’ve been juggling with lately. I feel like in some way i’ve been stuck in this limbo and having some type of interaction could help in the long run right now. Like if i sent a text and got no answer or something that hurt me again, yes it seems bad and like i wouldn’t want to go through that but i’m obviously still hung up on things and if that happened i could move on without wondering if maybe things could have been different. I guess i just don’t feel content with where i am right now and even though i want to i can’t just put him and everything out of my brain forever. I can for periods but it always sneaks up on me. I’m in no rush to do anything but i can say if he messaged again i probably would respond this time. I’m not saying he’s been a good guy to me but there’s so many variables i don’t think he’s just the devil for what he did. Also i assume he’s still with the girl but i have no real way of knowing that. He’s never posted about her once and he hasn’t said anything to me about her. I’m not planning on having a long talk with him it would be really just me telling him i didn’t read his message and i’d be interested to see if he responds at all and what he’d say. I’m giving it more time because i don’t want to do something i regret but i also know if i did do this i wouldn’t be set back to day 1 like everyone says. I could get through it even if i’m uncomfortable for a week or two. And maybe it would help in the long run, or hurt, or do nothing. I don’t know, but i might try. If i did i think it would be within the next week or two, if i still feel the way i feel now.

Marlowe, what would you get out of responding? This guy cheated on/dumped you for another. I don't get it.

If this were your sister or best friend, what would you advise?

Yes and those things he did are awful but one person and relationship can’t be simplified to just that. As i said above i don’t know what i would get out of it but it could help me progress. I know everyone is different and every situation is different and this is how i feel right now. If isn’t how i felt a couple months ago. I’m not making any abrupt decisions i have time. I think also there’s a huge difference between responding and going back to someone. I don’t know that i’d be so against my sister or best friend replying or reaching out vs taking that person back. I know i’ll be okay in the end with whatever i decide to do.

I think it's really good, and strong, that you're thinking this through. Give this space right here a minute, sit with it, and see how you feel in a week. And during that week make sure to keep doing things for YOU.

You've spent 4 months preoccupied with what ex says or does. Consider moving your focus onto building the kind of life for yourself that will preclude you from doing that. If you will climb to higher ground instead of drilling yourself a deeper hole to climb out of, you'll gain a new perspective from that place that you can't even fathom while you're too busy focusing on the ex.

If I could teach my younger self one lesson that I wish I'd learned earlier, it's to avoid romanticizing any barriers a lover might claim to being together. If someone WANTS to be with you, he will. Everything else is just an excuse.

Trust that if the two of you were ever a meant-to-be deal, ex will have no problem catching up to you if you've moved FORward. Then move beyond the stagnation of focusing backwards and gain the insights you've deprived yourself of learning today.

Head high, and focus on helping out the people in your life who you value most. This will strengthen your bonds with them and teach you your value to others beyond the ex. You will thank yourself later.

His actions should be your closure.

Too much energy is going into this guy. Focus on you, an move on with your life.

Block him.

Thank you guys again for the advice. SweetGirl28 we are both 21 so we are fairly young. I know to everyone on here it seems that he is my number one focus and has been this entire time but i can promise you he hasn’t been. Yes he’s been on my mind and this has been a difficult thing to deal with and work through but it’s not my main focus. I don’t count the days i don’t talk to him i only knew because i went back and checked. I only know the last time we talked because it was the day after valentine’s day. I see a therapist every week since the breakup and i actually have only spent the session talking about him 2-3 times the rest have been focused completely on me. I’ve grown immensely the past four months and i actually feel like an individual now rather than having lost myself in the relationship. As well as having lost myself with reasons not having to do with my ex. The last few years in my life have been a mess that i don’t want to get into but i just want to express that even though he’s all i talk about on this forum and i’ve posted a few times, he’s not my number 1 focus. I have a life outside him, my whole life is outside him really. Yes i notice when he messages me and yes i’m debating whether to message him but that doesn’t mean he’s consuming my life and i’m obsessing over him. Do i obsess over him sometimes? Yes and to an extent i think that’s normal. I obsessed over him a bit on the night of his birthday but we had only been broken up a few months and we were together three years and good friends for five. but i can also go weeks without having my focus remotely on him. These things are difficult and confusing and everyone is different. Some people would be moved on by now but some people would still be devastated like they were on day 1 and maybe even reached out to him multiple times already. I don’t think i will ever block him unless he were to harass me or something. But i will think about this longer. Yes i do care and yes i can’t know how it’ll affect me but i know i’ll be okay no matter what. I will live normally and do things i want to do and if i still want to reach out in a week or so i will. And i do completely agree with the fact that if we are meant to be together he would have no problem catching up with me. I guess i’ll see what happens.

Wow i wasn’t expecting that story, that’s very interesting and something to think about for sure. I’m sorry things happened the way they did for you. Maybe one day you two could be together for good. I would hate to have that feeling “the one that got away”. That’s at least something a dumpee doesn’t really have to feel because it wasn’t their decision. I do kind of agree with you when it comes to our ages. I think it’s never okay but can be forgivable. I’m really not sure what will happen with us or how he feels. I hope what you’re saying is right because part of me does believe he still loves me. At least in the sense that true love never really goes away and i thought it was true love. I can’t know anything for sure and i’ll see what happens for me down the road. And i’m not saying this is making me break down all my walls and go running toward him, but i do appreciate a more real response. A more human response that’s complicated like life is, and not just a simple “he cheated so block him immediately” response. Again, i’ll just have to see what happens.

Marlow. If he loved you, he would not have left you for another. Period.

He is still with her, and sending random messages- I'm certain she does not know of this.

I wish you luck

Thank you for the extremely positive and well rounded advice. I am taking it to heart. And i will follow my heart :) I’m sure it will work out for the best in the end.

Well he didn't forget you because you ignore him and keeps trying lol. You're on his mind, for certain.

You keep doing you, living life, building yourself and your future. Keep a positive attitude, be happy, and try to surround yourself with positive influences to keep you feeling good and focused. You don't know the future. Life is complicated,so ignore what needs to be ignored, forgive what can be forgiven, and live for you. Good things will happen :)

 

Just because he left does not mean he did not love you. It's easy to assume but that is not always the case.

I left two I loved because I didn't see how to fix it. It had nothing to do with not loving, nor them not loving me. You follow your heart. You know the relationship you had .

This is a different situation. He cheated and dumped for someone else .

Positive is not always realistic.

I would also wonder why you would want someone back that treated you so poorly?

They are 21, were together three years and friends for five prior. Age has to be considered here, as well as their history.

All the more reason to move on.

I don't care about age if someone disrespects or cheats on you. Bad behaviour is bad behaviour .

Thank you i appreciate the compliment. Hollyj i hear you and don’t think i have forgotten what he did. I just simply don’t think things are as black and white as you seem to. I am not running back to him or sure i would want him back. Otherwise i would have already contacted him and been forward about getting together. But i have made mistakes i regret and have learned from and i’m not saying he regrets what he’s done or has learned from it but i’m open to the possibility of that happening. And for his sake i hope he does, even without me in the picture.

We all have stupid things we've done. She is moving on, very nicely I might add because for 21 she's really handling this well. She's not begging nor chasing. . She's living her life and and making decisions without being impulsive. What she decides is on her.

I agree that she has done a great job by not responding, but now she wants a response. Through the posts, it is clear that she wants him back and has not moved on.

I agree, it is her decision, but she came to this site for advice. By giving her false hope regarding this creep - that is what he is, as he tossed her aside like garbage - is not doing her any favors. I'm all about seeing positive in people, but at some point we have to respect ourselves enough to walk away from people who do not respect or value us.