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Thread: Unsure of future, is it worth saving.

  1. #1

    Unsure of future, is it worth saving.

    History: Married (1991) for 28 years, 1st act of infidelity was about 3 years into the marriage, my wife messed around with someone and I found the notes from him in her purse one night while getting something for our 2 year old.

    I was mad, upset and just wanted to run away so I joined the Army and left for boot in '94. We had made up before I left, 3 years later I get out of the Army and she gets a job and meets a co-worker and has 2nd infidelity. I tried everything to save the marriage and we stayed together for the kids (3 now) more than anything I beleive. She keeps sleeping with the co-worker behind my back until someone from her job comes and tells me. I am not even sure what happens after this point, I know we split for a few months... fast foward to...

    '06 She starts accusing me of having an affair with a co-worker, I was not and while at dinner with my bosses she calls and starts in, hears the waitress and goes off and hangs up. I get a call saying she had OD'd on pain pills from her best friend, I rush home and talk with the parametics, she is okay but they suggest putting her in a rehab hospital for a week. I do, while in rehab I have sex with her best friend (Mistake and I know) she gets out I tell her I have had it with her behavior and tell her I cannot do this any longer we split up, she takes the kids and moves in with her Uncle.

    She serves divorce papers to me on my brithday but we reconcile before the D-Day and cancle the Divorce.

    Things are good for the next 4-6 years, minor fights but no red flags. She starts having coffee with an old friend (Guy3) from work. (Not the same from above) and she starts to get distant, I confront her and she says I am wrong and nothing is going on, I pull the phone records and find she has been texting and talking to him for hours at a time. I again confront her, she claims it is just talking but sees that it could be causing issues and stops (Maybe) things get better again for about another 6 months.

    2012 - She comes home from work one day and says THIS IS IT, I AM DONE! says she is not in love with me anymore and wants a divorce, says she does not know if she has every loved me and she is just DONE! I accuse her of it being another guys get the "I know you would say that, there is no one else) I beg and plead for her to reconsider, she says NO,she has made up her mind, we are DONE!

    She leaves me and our youngest (16) to go live with her mother, about 1 month later she moves in with the guy3 from above. I try to save the marriage, consoling, get a good job, a new place etc. about 1 year into the split she gets cold and distants herself from the kids and I. I give up on saving the marriage, I start dating, I meet someone and we click. We date for about 3 months and my wife notices and starts questionign the kids about her and if I am happy. She starts texting me out of the blue and trying to be cute, a few days past and she says she made a mistake and wants to get back together and stop the divorce (It's a week from being final) I still have feeling but do not trust her PLUS I have feeling for the new girl but not the history that I have with the wife.

    I break if off with the GF, and try to recocile with the wife, I am still not 100% I want to at this point. I recomend we get divorced and then try dating to see if it is worth trying again, she cries and begs me to stop the divorce. I reluctantly agree to stay married and try again.

    I don't think I love her at this point due to the last 2 years but the relationship is comfortable, things are comfortable for a 6-8 months but then the ex GF messages me and we start talking and she tries to talk me out of what I am doing and one thing leads to another and we end of sleeping together, we have sex randomly for the next year, (Maybe 5-7 times total). I feel guilty and come clean, break it off cold with the GF. The wife and I move out of state and stay there for a little over a year. Our middle son has our first grandchild and we move back home.

    We have been home now for 6 months, for the past year and half I have tried to fall back in love with her, I have no clue if I love her, she leaves on bussiness trips for a week at a time, she always ask if I miss her, I never miss her. sometimes I feel like I HATE her, I dont really trust her and I think I sit here and wait for a repeat.

    I know I am not perfect, I have ed up serveral times, cheated after it happened to me, I tried to use that as justifcation and I know it is wrong. We should have split back in '94 but did not, now 25 years later I just dont know what I should do.

    I know what it feels like to have your world ripped apart, I don't want to hurt her like she hurt me but is it fair to stay with her just to save her the hurt?

    Thank you to anyone that read all of this.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Consult an attorney. It's never too late. See what your options would be in a divorce. Decide from there whether you could manage it.

  3. #3
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    I personally don't think you should keep trying with your wife at all anymore. She has lied to you and cheated on you so many times with other guys and you cheated on her too. You already tried to divorce twice. You both even found someone else. Notice your wife keeps trying to dump you and she only wants you back when you're not chasing her anymore. She sounds very unstable. Your kids are not even kids anymore, they are basically adults now. You don't need to stay together even for them now.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I know what it feels like to have your world ripped apart, I don't want to hurt her like she hurt me but is it fair to stay with her just to save her the hurt?
    Why leave now. Just keep doing what you've both always done... It seems to work for the two of you and clearly you are both codependent to the nth degree to ever just leave one another or even be open enough to actually make something work with someone new.

    It is what it is!

    Without extensive therapy for said codependency, you'll not last very long without the dysfunctional way of relating you both are obviously quite addicted to.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It sounds like you've been trying your darnest and this is it. There's not much feeling left. You may not even know if she's faithful to you as we speak in this thread. The relationship/marriage is broken apart and smushed to pieces. There's far too much there to put back together again. Even if both of you agreed to therapy or marriage counselling I think all those years of deception, mistreatment and disrespect towards each other are just ingrained way too deep. I'm not even sure if you know what it's like to be in a healthy relationship.

    The only thing I might suggest is slowly being a bit more real with yourself and asking yourself what you hope to achieve from staying or going. You may not find any meaning in breaking apart your marriage (that's a personal decision). You may also find that there's very little meaning left staying married. Think back to what your marriage means to you, independent of your unhealthy dynamic as a couple. I think that connection with your wife is far too broken and it would take tremendous trust and commitment/dedication to resuscitate something so completely beaten up. For your own mental health and wellbeing I think you should look into therapy anyway. It may help you navigate all this a little better.

    Also, stop seeing that gf. She's confusing everything further. I'm appalled that she would try to contact you again and get involved. Let her go permanently. She's not a part of this and her behaviour seems very inappropriate. I would have expected her to keep her distance well away from the both of you and to have learned her lesson about you (being this messed up and confused). She clearly doesn't get it. Stay away from her at the very least. If you break it off with your wife, being single is not a bad idea while get back on your feet and begin your healing process.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'd consult with an attorney to learn my options in my location, and the best steps for each option. I'd also hire a therapist for help in working through my choices.

    It makes no it makes no sense dragging up old stuff for excuses. You don't need to make wife into a villain in order to leave. If the process turns her into one, then deal with that at face value.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by knotalone
    but is it fair to stay with her just to save her the hurt?
    IN A WORD- NO!!!!!!!!! You cannot sacrifice your own life's happiness for someone else's comfort. And I want you to answer ONE question for me , please?

    When has your wife at ANY point been truly concerned about YOUR happiness?


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