Love him, but need to love myself more...

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 8 years. I think its time to break up, but there is a lot going on and I am trying to do this in the most respectful way. I am 31 and want to have children, and he is in no place to do that. My clock is ticking and I need stability and support for a family and I can't get that from him. I think I am finally accepting this. My best friend says that I am patient to a fault. Well, I now realize how true that is.

I met my boyfriend when I was a senior in college. We ended up living together for the last 6 years, and here is the situation. When we first got together he was working. He doesn't have a college degree and I do, so there is that difference which never really mattered to me. Throughout the entire relationship my family has told me that they think I deserve more than what he is giving me. Essentially, they say I am too good for him. They always saw him as not being motivated enough to be a good provider for a family (which I want so bad). A couple years into the relationship, he got hurt at work and had shoulder surgery. He ended up going back to work but he also has some other injuries that have sidelined him. He ended up losing his job for not being able to physically do the work anymore. He has been out of work for 4 years and has had several surgeries in that time. While all this is happening he gained quite a bit of weight. I have as well, but I have my own reasons for that (I think this relationship is a big factor in that). He also suffers from an enabling family and lots of depression and anxiety. I always thought that wouldn't be a problem for us, but it has been an increasing problem for years. Because of his weight, health issues, and injuries he says he can't work and doesn't sleep well therefore he isn't contributing much. He says it hurts too much to do a lot of the housework and he sleeps a lot during the day because he can't sleep at night. He also watches too much TV and doesn't have any other interests. He doesn't read, or study anything, he doesn't do anything to better himself. I have also recently been reminded that he is terrible with money. I don't think I am that great right now either, but I am also supporting him.

Side story, when we first met he was a smoker, and I told him that was a deal breaker. Well, he quit for a while and ended up starting to smoke again after his injury. I nagged, encouraged, and fought about it for years. He only recently stopped smoking again because I told him if he didn't, that our relationship would be over. He supposedly hasn't smoked in a few weeks, but I was gone for 5 days and he could have and just not said anything to me, which he has done before.

Honestly, unless I push him to go to school, learn something new, or start looking for work again, he doesn't do it. He told me that he didn't want to go back to work until he lost some weight because of his insecurities. Well, he isn't trying very hard either. We are dieting together but the only reason he sticks to it is because I have the money and buy all the groceries. I gently reminded him that he has 4 years of no work experience and he needs to get back out there if he is going to ever get hired. So, after this conversation, he agrees and we decide (aka me stating we need to get his resume fixed), that "we" would start at least looking for part time, something to get him started. It's been a couple weeks already and he hasn't done anything. I have decided to pull back and see what happens. I suspect that if I don't do anything, he won't do anything.

In addition to all of this, I realized that I am not getting anything out of the relationship except companionship. We haven't had sex in probably over 2 years because he physically can't, but he also doesn't seem to be able to at least take care of my needs. He hasn't touched me in over a year at least. I lost track. It could be much longer.

It was my birthday a few weeks ago and he had gotten paid his disability check right before. He paid me his part of the rent and money he owed me, but apparently didn't think to save any money for my birthday. I never ask for anything. He said that he felt bad that he couldn't do anything for my birthday. I told him not to worry about it. He knows I just like a little effort. He could have gotten me a .99 cent card and said something sweet. He did not do that. I told him all I wanted was a foot rub, back scratches, and a head rub. I pretty obviously hinted at something else as well, and got no response. I got a 3 minute back scratch. I was disappointed. The next day, I left to visit my family and just got back on Sunday. My 5 hour drive home was rather enlightening.

While visiting my parents, I met a friend of my brothers. He was very sweet, and I immediately felt attracted to him, which has never happened. He has literally everything I could ever want in a guy. I didn't really think much of it at first, but on the drive home I started thinking a lot about him and the possibilities. I fantasized a bit. It felt nice. The next day my brother called and asked if I would be ok with him giving his friend my phone number. We have been texting for a couple days just talking and getting to know each other. He has become a bit flirty so I laid it all out and made sure he knew that I am still in a relationship and that its a complicated situation. He already knew, because my brother had told him everything but that I deserve much better. This guy is happy to take it at my pace. He used words like "lovely" and "beautiful" and to be honest it almost made me cry because I haven't felt that way about myself in a long time.

This weekend I came to a realization 4 years in the making. I am ready to end it and not because I enjoy talking to someone else, I think I just needed a catalyst to help me with the decision. I talked with my best friend for 4 hours last night and came to the conclusion that I can't do this anymore. I have forgiven and accepted all of his problems, but I shouldn't have to anymore. I love him, and I don't blame him for having all of these issues, but I can't fix them for him, and I can't make him better. If he can't change for himself, he will never change. I don't want him to rely on me for everything. I can't hold this relationship together and I can't live without all the things I want. I also don't want to wake up at 35 and not have a family, or feel like a single mom because the father of my children doesn't pull his weight. I want a fairytale, I want all consuming love, and I want an equal partner who wants to be the best he can be. Regardless of how things work out or don't work out with new guy, I am ready to be alone if I have to be. I am ready to focus on myself. I am ready to have fun, and worry only about myself. I am terrified to have the conversation and end things because I worry about my boyfriend being able to handle it. He is my first relationship, so I am really anxious about doing this.

Thoughts on this situation are appreciated.

I only had to read the first two paragraphs. This guy is dead weight/loser and you do need to end things. immediately.

There is no excuse for him not going back to school and completing a degree, so that he can work.

Stay with him if you want to play his maid and parent for the rest of your life.

You also need to address you self esteem issues and why you would tolerate this type of dynamic.

Lastly, your parents were right!

I think you've already made up your mind. Your boyfriend has been using you to support him. Your relationship is dead. And he hasn't touched you in a year? There is nothing there. This situation is going to get worse. Maybe leaving him is the best thing that can happen in his life to motivate him. But you shouldn't have to put up with this. Get out of this relationship. Disentangle yourself from him. Even if things don't work out with this other guy, you've got a life to live. You're in your 20s, not in your 70s. You shouldn't have to live like this.

"Honestly, unless I push him to go to school, learn something new, or start looking for work again, he doesn't do it. He told me that he didn't want to go back to work until he lost some weight because of his insecurities. Well, he isn't trying very hard either. We are dieting together but the only reason he sticks to it is because I have the money and buy all the groceries. I gently reminded him that he has 4 years of no work experience and he needs to get back out there if he is going to ever get hired. So, after this conversation, he agrees and we decide (aka me stating we need to get his resume fixed), that "we" would start at least looking for part time, something to get him started. It's been a couple weeks already and he hasn't done anything. I have decided to pull back and see what happens. I suspect that if I don't do anything, he won't do anything."

You should not be doing this. You are sounding co dependent.

"I am ready to be alone if I have to be. I am ready to focus on myself. I am ready to have fun, and worry only about myself. "

I don't think you have to go that far to "focus only on yourself" and "worry only about yourself" -is that really who you are? You're not going to have it in you to shift focus to your best friend who might want to share personal stuff with you? It will be fun to only focus on yourself? Is it not fun to focus on other peoples' needs- whether strangers, friends, a loved one? Getting out of the wrong relationship that isn't going anywhere doesn't require that dramatic about face. Or deciding that since it's not working and you enabled it for too long you have to now focus only on yourself.

I ended a not right relationship when I was 31. I wanted to be done having children by my mid-30s and I wanted two. Man plans and god laughs. Guess what? I married the guy who was Mr. Wrong at 31 because he was so so very Mr. Right when we were 39. And we had one child - I was 41-42 when I was pregnant. Blunt truth -being pregnant at that age was emotionally stressful, so for that reason if I'd been able to have children earlier in a stable marriage that would have been beneficial. And yes I could have tried for a second but a post-birth medical condition basically nixed that. Zero regrets because before we even tried to conceive I was 100% happy with the opportunity to have one. So was he.

But in between age 31 and 38-39 when we got back together I dated a lot, I had serious relationships and so did he. Focusing on myself and calling that "fun" would have not helped me become the right person to find the right person.

So yes he is not the right person for you given your goals and dreams. And he has not been for quite awhile. So you are lucky -you are young and you need to end it and understand that you can be there for your boyfriend as a friend who refers him to a good counselor or who he can call in a true emergency since you've been together so long. But he will be fine -and better -without you because he'll know he's not holding you back as you are letting him do now. Good luck!

Good for you.

I'm a pretty cheap guy, although I make decent money.

I make my kids and my wife presents for all sorts of occasions and spent no or next to no money.

So that is pure laziness, not lack of money.

This man child doesn't want to have kids because he wants you to take care of him, not be distracted with children.

After all, how are you going to find the time to take care of him then?

It sounds like you enable him a lot too, not just his family.

But I am glad you came to this conclusion now and not when you are 45.

It sounds like you are aware of his bs now so good for you.

But I would be leery of your boyfriend's friend who sees no qualms with making advances on a woman in a relationship.

I also feel that even if you have emotionally check out, you still need grieving time for the relationship.

Never a good idea to monkey branch.

 

This weekend I came to a realization 4 years in the making. I am ready to end it and not because I enjoy talking to someone else, I think I just needed a catalyst to help me with the decision.

My guess is you would likely still be in this relationship had you not gotten the attention from another man. But, if it makes you sit up straight and ready to take action then I guess that's what it would take.

My hope for you is that you leave for yourself and not leap frog into another relationship. When you are in a position such as you describe, you aren't likely going to make healthy choices in future partners. At least not right now. There's a crude saying `when you are hungry, you'll eat just about anything'

Any guy who is `happy' to oblige you at your pace, while you are currently living in a monogamous committed relationship has suspicious intentions. At the very least he has character issues himself.

My guess is you would likely still be in this relationship had you not gotten the attention from another man. But, if it makes you sit up straight and ready to take action then I guess that's what it would take.

 

My hope for you is that you leave for yourself and not leap frog into another relationship. When you are in a position such as you describe, you aren't likely going to make healthy choices in future partners. At least not right now. There's a crude saying `when you are hungry, you'll eat just about anything'

 

Any guy who is `happy' to oblige you at your pace, while you are currently living in a monogamous committed relationship has suspicious intentions. At the very least he has character issues himself.

I agree. You should not be jumping into another relationship. You have a dysfunctional long-term relationship to process. Can't you be on your own?

I also agree with you enabling the bf. You are part of the problem. Don't coddle people, as you can see that they will take advantage .

Hi Lovememore

I completely emphasise with how you are feeling - it sounds the relationship is just so one sided and it’s no wonder you feel exhausted.

Rather than the just leave him advice - my suggestion is as follows - you calmly tell him something akin to what you have written here - that his behaviours have driven you into the ground and you Have one foot out the door. When faced with great adversity (ending of such a long term relationship) it is possible he can change. Whilst I doubt it given what you have said - there is a chance. Ask yourself this - if he could be the man you want him to be would you not prefer that given your history?

If he doesn’t - you know you have done all you can.

First, stop communicating with this other guy unless and until you are single. Just don't go there while you are someone else's girlfriend. It speaks poorly of you and this new crush.

Second, I agree that your relationship is more than likely over. You have been enabling and mothering your boyfriend for much too long, and you can see that has gotten you nowhere. I don't blame you one bit for being completely drained and feeling emotionally neglected. I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't feel exasperated in your shoes, but you also need to recognize your own role in allowing this to go on for as long as it has. It's important you don't repeat your own mistakes in the future.

Third, if and when you end your relationship, don't do so with the expectation that this new guy will be your fairytale, all-consuming love. Why? Fairytales are, well, fiction. Love can be amazing, no doubt. But it comes with challenges and everyone has their faults. You say this other guy has everything you have ever wanted, but in reality, you hardly know him. It's too soon to have any clue who he really is, in the context of a relationship. That isn't something your brother would be able to tell you either, really. None of us really ever know what our friends are like behind closed doors with their partners. He might be wonderful, or he might have dealbreaking behaviour of his own. The point is, you need to keep your expectations in check if the opportunity presents itself to date him.

Yes, do not keep communicating with the other guy until you are single. It will taint your relationship with him if one develops as he will wonder if you'd do the same to him if you felt like you weren't that into him.