It was bad timing... how do I ask for a chance now that it isn't?

Hi everyone, I've been lurking for a while but can't seem to find someone with a similar situation... so here I am, sharing mine.

Not too long ago I met someone and we immediately hit it off. We even decided to go on a date before our planned first date, that's how much we wanted to see each other! Early on, he told me he wants to be exclusive, and a week or two in he kept calling me his girlfriend and we agreed that it is a relationship (not one that is too public, but to our friends and families).

Unfortunately, after those wonderful few first days he had to focus on his final project to graduate from his degree. He had put it off for a long time and was extremely stressed and upset, waking up before six every morning to go to work and coming back late only to sit down and work until one or two in the morning. We would see each other every day, but only to sleep next to each other, and half the time I would fall asleep before he came to bed and he would just come and hold me. Everything seemed pretty great, but I could tell he was cold and stressed out. I was entirely supportive of him during this time, to the point that maybe I masked parts of myself, but we barely had time to get to know each other and connect.

The day before my birthday he decided he needs to be alone and figure his life out. When we met I asked him how after so many long relationships that just weren't right he wanted to be with me, and he said that he had no excitement and he wasn't himself, but he wanted it back and he wanted it with me. Somehow, we didn't break up and he said it didn't feel right to break up. He took me out for an amazing birthday, and really made it the most special one I ever had. He assured me that he was invested, that it could be the real deal, and he wants to be with me and it is worth it for me to wait until he comes out of this.

Finally he finished his project and we had a wonderful romantic weekend together, and he made me pancakes even :). Suddenly, we were breaking up. He told me he likes me and cares but he wants to be alone and focus on himself... he cried and said he is sorry and when I told him not to be sorry but to take care of things and talk to me when he is done, he said he will and that I am so kind and understanding. He drove me home and kissed me.

The next day I wrote to him that I cannot fix the things he wants to fix alone but I want to support him, and that although I can do it from a distance I feel like I can do it from nearby too. I said if not now then in a week, or two, or a month, or whenever, I want to be there. He answered and told me I am sweet, surprising, and adorable but he wants some time alone to do his own thing and to figure out himself and his life a little better, and that being in a relationship regardless of how supportive it is, is not the way he wants to do it, and that he appreciates that maybe if his feelings change in time that it may be relevant and said thanks for all of the good times but that he doesn't want to communicate.

I offered to slow it down, to not be official, or even serious, and asked if we really need to lose touch. I told him that I think it might be the real deal even though he was somewhat disconnected and that I understand if he can't see it, but that I really want to find something between the extremes. He said we can meet to talk the next day, but we ended up sleeping together that same night. Even though he said he felt like it's wrong and it is leading me on because he can't separate how I feel from where he is at... I asked if he likes me and he said he likes me and our relationship but not enough for it to be the exception to his rule that he wants to be alone. Then he told me, it just isn't it, and he's not swept off his feet or excited. When I left his place he kissed me goodbye.

I feel that he didn't connect with me or see me clearly because we barely went out and he was so stressed. I really want a chance to show him what I see, and more importantly to really show him who I am.

What do I do? Besides forgetting about him completely... everything between us was nice and sweet and good, even our break up... isn't that a good basis for giving a person an opportunity? For getting to know them?

You can't really do anything in this case, OP. I know it's not the answer you were hoping for but you can't fight this battle if he doesn't want to.

When you have to campaign this hard for someone to be with you or give you a chance, you're barking up the wrong proverbial tree. He might like you well enough, but he has been clear - repeatedly - that he does not want to date or even communicate anymore. Perhaps it was bad timing, or maybe there are other reasons he's chosen not to share as a way of preserving your feelings.

Please take him at his word that he doesn't want to continue, so you don't hang on in false hope.

Ok... this is going to hurt (but hopefully it’s helpful)... you are being clingy. Very, very clingy. It sounds like this is what drove him away.

It’s great that things started off well and it sounds like you were both into each other. When he had his project going on, I feel you should have given him more space. It was not appropriate to see each other that much - or to be sleeping there - when he was that legitimately busy (even if he was asking for it). It’s overwhelming. By your birthday, he was totally overwhelmed. Then, even when he asked for alone time or to break up, you continue to try to hold on.

I don’t think it’s that he didn’t like you. He just had too much of you.

Unfortunately, the only way to come back from being too clingy (if it’s even possible - it’s possible to push someone too far) is by being NOT clingy. Every action you take at this point to reach out or try to bring things back together will just reinforce the idea and ‘prove’ to him that you are indeed clingy.

Unfortunately, you need to back off. You need to go live a full life and do some exciting things. Let him sit with the sweetness that was. He may come back... he may not... but it’s the only thing you can do. Sorry.

You should never have to try to convince someone to be with you. I would give him what he wants, which is no contact. I would also advise not sleeping with him anymore. You have made your desire to be with him very clear. If there is ever going to be another go at it, it should be him asking. Sorry.

I don't know how I am supposed to know that I am being too much when my partner is asking to see me and coming over to my place "just to spend time" with me. When he was unavailable, I didn't push it, and I encouraged him to see his friends and his family and to do all the things that he likes. I'm not really sure how that is my fault. :( I don't want to be clingy, and I'm really not. I told him we can talk after his project is over, but he wanted to stay together and see me. I told him he doesn't need to do things and he did them anyway. I still saw my friends three-four times a week including our weekly dinner and viewing parties, I still made time to cook and work out and do everything I was doing normally, it's not like he was the center of my world... He was driving the whole relationship up until now and it was full steam ahead, and even now I am offering him to have his space and I am fine giving it to him... but I can't shake that because of his headspace he feels this way and that he doesn't want to give me a chance because he gave it to other girls and it didn't work. I'm not sure it has anything to do with me even :(

Right but it’s his choice to not want to try again and that is out of your control. I wouldn’t call you clingy but I do think your actions after the fact come off a bit desperate.

You should never ever have to try (nor should you) to talk a person into being with you..ever. Sorry.

You took a risk on a guy and it didn't work out. It happens all the time, even if on paper you two ticked all the boxes and everything seemed sweet and wonderful to you. And even if a new guy in your life is the one suggesting daily time together, it's too much, too soon. In the future, as much as you're crazy about each other, limit dates to a few times a week for the first two months.

Past behavior predicts future behavior. If you got back together, he'd most likely let you go again, just as easily as he did the first time. As the other poster said, trying to convince a person he should give the relationship a chance isn't a good idea. A person who is crazy about you will stick around and doesn't need convincing. Best to move on and try with someone new than to revisit a past that didn't work out. Take care.

I think this started off too intensely.. I would not trust any guy who calls you his girlfriend in the first week of dating. It crashed. It burned. Don't "be there for him" - you just met this guy. Move on and find a guy who WANTS to date

even now I am offering him to have his space and I am fine giving it to him...

I know he used used alot of different ways to tell you that he wanted out. Some of those words included `needing space' and I think he tried in the kindest way possible to tell you. In turn the point was lost and you kept returning to convince him.

You choose to ignore the direct words, like he wasn't feeling it and didn't want any further communication with you.

Yet the ones you chose to hang onto is that you are merely giving him space.

I am sorry. If this is to ever work out, it will be on his own accord. Not because you are being so understanding and trying to convince him otherwise.

I wish I had a dollar for every time I said this here ~ He wouldn't risk losing you if he cared enough to begin with.

You moved way too fast. You guys did not even know one another, before making the commitment. This was a fantasy.

You cannot help or "fix' anyone. He has to do it.

I am certain that he has a long history of fast forwarding relationships, then balling when they become serious. This guy is not relationship material.

"I offered to slow it down, to not be official, or even serious, and asked if we really need to lose touch. " "I really want a chance to show him what I see, and more importantly to really show him who I am" ..Don't ever do this again. You are sacrificing your own needs, hoping he will give you honor of being in his life. Expect more for yourself, and don't beg anyone.

Find someone else, and move slower. Block and delete this guy, because he will be back in a few months, and will put you through it again. The next time, will be even more devaluing.

I think this started off too intensely.. I would not trust any guy who calls you his girlfriend in the first week of dating. It crashed. It burned. Don't "be there for him" - you just met this guy. Move on and find a guy who WANTS to date

This is also a very good point.

That type of intensity so early on is almost never a good sign.

If I could teach my younger self any lessons that I wish I'd learned earlier, it's to avoid romanticizing barriers to being together. If someone WANTS to be with you, he will. Everything else is just an excuse.