My sister went NC with me and her wedding "reception" is soon

Hi.

I apologize for the length.

Growing up, I was a tough teenager. I did not get along with my older brother nor older sister. I first stopped speaking to my brother because we would always fight and get in trouble and it was hard for my parents as well, who worked very hard for us.

My younger sister is the baby and constantly spoiled by her 6 aunts and our grandma. Vacations, food, clothes, etc.. Obviously as the middle child I was ignored. We eventually fought and I stopped talking to her as well. Now, my parents were the role models as we have a big family and there's always NC going on somewhere with them and their numerous siblings to this day. Our family isn't dysfunctional, but we are slightly judgmental and don't all get along. I don't blame them for their influence on me as these are choices that I made.

I have since reconciled with my brother after he moved away. We talk and are quiet amicable.

Years ago I put everything behind and made up with my sister. I apologized for not being there when she was depressed and I tried to make things up to her. We got along reasonably well. When we had an argument, she brought up her issues within the family and I tried to sort it out. I would intervene with her and my mom. I would give her money on her birthday and as a child, the family used to make fun of her and she asked me to stop so I got the family to stop. It was a pet name and they had one for all of us; mine was shorty.

A few years ago we had a small incident. I can't remember the incident, but she called me an idiot. She still makes fun of me using the pet names as well. I chastised her for using idiot. She often has a problem blurting out thoughts and insults, as she doesnt think through her words. She recognizes this in herself. Eventually she understood and apologized half-heartedly.

My sister's boyfriend, now husband, is like the nicest person I ever met. We would hang out at times too.

I was planned a house warming for my new home. My sister and her boyfriend confirmed with a month to go. Then they confirmed with a week to go. Then nothing on the day of, after an hour of the arrival time. No text. I had to text and I got an excuse. I wanted my friends to meet my sister and I made food specifically for her and her boyfriend. Obviously I told my friends that they weren't coming.

My sister then went NC with me. Nothing for 2 years. When I ran into them in a family gathering, I did not engage in conversation with either of them. My mom said something when I did not answer to my sister's husband, and I replied "I have nothing to say to him". My sister did not try to talk to me. I didn't invite them for Thanksgiving and Christmases at my house and I didn't go to their's.

Months later during the summer, I asked my mom to house sit my dog. This dog used to belong to my sister but she did not take care of him and basically abandoned him. I rescued him from her and she did not object. I specifically told my mom not to let anyone have my dog. I checked up with my mom and dog while on vacation for 6 weeks. One facetime call showed that the dog was not there. My mom lied to my face that he was outside and I disconnected.

I got home from vacation and the next day drove to my parents house furious and took my pet. I didn't yell at them but chastised them. I found out later that my sister and her husband came to my parents house, convinced my mom to lie to me and took my dog. They were all in the scheme. My dad does not get involved.

I can't be mad at my parents and mom. In the time since, they have tried to intervene and talk to me. I told my mom that she is part of the problem because she lies. My mom cries and gets emotional. Eventually she convinced me to take a phone call from my sister. My mom said she would apologize. The phone call was because my sister got married to her boyfriend at city hall. Nothing formal. They didn't even tell the large family for whatever reason, upsetting some of the aunts.

This phone call did not go well. My sister said she didn't want to talk about the past, that she would not apologize because that is not what she called for. She barely let me get a word in. She talked about the past only in that she loved me and was happy I was in her life. I spoke loud and confidently with her but I couldn't get her to understand her behaviour. I got her to understand that our parents shouldn't be involved. She then brought up me doing her a favour by attending this "dinner" to acknowledge the wedding. I was upset and she was as well. I said I would not be going.

I was shocked at the audacity of that phone call, not acknowledging or apologizing and expecting me to do her a favour. That is so typical of an enabled and immature adult. I also question her intelligence cognitively or emotionally for her to even think this call would have gone well. I now know that she doesn't really think about her actions or consequences on other people.

My parents were still on me until I was finally able to tell them of the conversation. My mom lied again. My father finally understood what my sister did. They finally backed off of me. I told my mom not to get involved and to stop lying. When I visited my brother, he spoke to me and he agreed it was not my fault and he said in conversations with her, she understood it was her fault. They are disappointed because of how it will look on the family. He wants me to go and I said I wouldn't because this was something she created and only she can fix it. I don't owe it to her because she would never learn if I did.

Fast forward to the present. I learn of a "wedding" reception two weeks from now. I don't know if this was the one my sister was talking about. Apparently it is official enough in at least it is an Indian style dinner (no hall) and then following by a Chinese style dinner the next day. We have some family coming. My brother is coming from far away too. This isn't like a wedding reception at a hall because they are already married.

I'm not going but haven't told anybody outside the immediate family and 2 aunts.

My sister has been spoiled all her life. My aunt's now recognize they helped do this; my parents as well. My sister goes NC and gets mad at her aunts. She is rude to them. For the last 10 years, she's probably been in NC with at least one of our aunts at any time. In our culture, we are Chinese, you don't speak to adults that way. My sister views herself as a nice, strong person but she is often mean. A few of my aunts agree. My parents are now hands-off because I finally convinced them.

It's not my responsibility to teach or educate my sister. But for me, if she won't own up to her mistakes then any relationship between us will never work. I can't expect her to change or grow as a person so to me, any reconciliation means this sort of thing will happen again as she doesn't have the reflective skills and responsibility to make a relationship work. She told her husband not to call and fix things with me. She has affected my parents, her husband and all our family with this. When she has children even though she says she wouldn't, she would be the type to let her relationships affect her kids. Right now, they won't have an extra uncle.

I know I am a judgmental and unforgiving person. I want to work on that. I won't make it easier on her and I think she knows this. I am the only person in our family she is scared of. She speaks to everybody rudely but I am the only one who does not tolerate such behaviour.

I know this isn't as damaging as other problems on here, but it's my family's problems.

Thanks for reading!

I think if you were invited to this, you put in a short appearance for the sake of the rest of the family so that no one can say anything in the future about you shunning your sister's reception, etc. That's what i do. Shake your new brother-in-law's hand because you have absolutely no quarrel with him, and then go home. Go to see him and go home.

I think if you were invited to this, you put in a short appearance for the sake of the rest of the family so that no one can say anything in the future about you shunning your sister's reception, etc. That's what i do. Shake your new brother-in-law's hand because you have absolutely no quarrel with him, and then go home. Go to see him and go home.

I agree with this. My guess is you will feel better for having done it.

At the same time I stand behind you and how you are handling the whole family dynamic.

You sister is a product of her upbringing and everyone seems to have played a part in shaping her.

Though it's never pleasant to be the odd man out, you are doing so for the right reasons.

You didn't say how old she is, but my brother and I didn't speak for years and then we both matured and our relationship is entirely different then it once was. I was much like you and stood on principle and my parents pleaded with me often to bend. I think once you've hit the wall about something, you are forced to take a stand. It won't be this way forever. But for now. . .

So all this because she calls you shorty to tease you, and took care of your dog for a few days, and then brought the dog back. I'm confused?????

My mother doesn't talk to her brother because of the $200K he never paid back, his wife who would be abusive to my grandma who stabbed herself in the heart because she was made to think she was a burden.

I think you are the older brother, and should be the example, and get over petty things. Just because she was doted on doesn't make her any less your little sister. Hello, we call that jealousy. Get over it.

The house-warming thing, I don't know the excuse, but sh*t happens. You literally are throwing your sibling away because she's annoying. Okay. Either you want family in your life or your don't.

I don't see it as about the name calling or watching the dog.

If it was just that, then yes that would be petty.

It's about the pervasive lack of respect, lies and enabling bad behavior.

But what is she lying about? Walking the dog? Or not being able to make the housewarming. My bro lamed out one year on 5 things I had thrown that he RSVPed for, but didn't show up. But he was going through stuff. Sometimes things happen. Either he wants to forgive or hold onto the hate.

I think if you were invited to this, you put in a short appearance for the sake of the rest of the family so that no one can say anything in the future about you shunning your sister's reception, etc. That's what i do. Shake your new brother-in-law's hand because you have absolutely no quarrel with him, and then go home. Go to see him and go home.

I have trouble with forgiveness. I really do. He did have a role. He had a part in the deception. Adults should know better. Putting my face there and then going home doesn't really fix things.

So all this because she calls you shorty to tease you, and took care of your dog for a few days, and then brought the dog back. I'm confused?????

 

My mother doesn't talk to her brother because of the $200K he never paid back, his wife who would be abusive to my grandma who stabbed herself in the heart because she was made to think she was a burden.

 

I think you are the older brother, and should be the example, and get over petty things. Just because she was doted on doesn't make her any less your little sister. Hello, we call that jealousy. Get over it.

 

The house-warming thing, I don't know the excuse, but sh*t happens. You literally are throwing your sibling away because she's annoying. Okay. Either you want family in your life or your don't.

Like I said, these aren't nearly as big a problem as others have. But these aren't my actions. These are my reactions. I was not the cause. My family is in my life. Any reconciliation will only be temporarily as things will happen again and I will struggle to forgive.

I don't see it as about the name calling or watching the dog.

If it was just that, then yes that would be petty.

 

It's about the pervasive lack of respect, lies and enabling bad behavior.

There it is. People have fixated on the dog. When you collude to lie, it's about the deception and proper treatment. The lack of respect.

I really do struggle with forgiveness when somebody doesn't acknowledge or want to grow and fix things. I really think even if I did go, it will all go downhill again in the future. Neither of these adults have even tried to speak about this.

I agree with this. My guess is you will feel better for having done it.

At the same time I stand behind you and how you are handling the whole family dynamic.

 

You sister is a product of her upbringing and everyone seems to have played a part in shaping her.

 

Though it's never pleasant to be the odd man out, you are doing so for the right reasons.

 

You didn't say how old she is, but my brother and I didn't speak for years and then we both matured and our relationship is entirely different then it once was. I was much like you and stood on principle and my parents pleaded with me often to bend. I think once you've hit the wall about something, you are forced to take a stand. It won't be this way forever. But for now. . .

Thank you for understanding. My sister is 34 and I am 39.

I can't seem to make myself go. My body cringes at the thought. It literally does. This is my stand. I am stubborn and righteous. I wish I could and acknowledge this flaw.

What works for one person, doesn't work for another.

I agree with tatoobunnie, to a degree.

Everyone has a different level of tolerance.

Honor yours. I tend to get overly stuck on the principle of the matter, so I understand.

Just because you share the same DNA doesn't mean you hold them to a totally different standard.

Personally, I expect more from my immediate family, not less.

30's . . .Hmmm. I suspected you all were younger.

Like I said. My brother and I outgrew it. We pretty much didn't speak to each other during our 20's.

He was an angry young man who took out his frustrations on his little sister. (my entire childhood)

My parents coddled him and made excuses for him. When I was about 20, I just hit the wall and said I was done. I refused to be in the same room as him.

But that's all old news now. He's not the same young man and neither am I. (woman:)

Forgiveness is really also for you. Who needs those burdens weighing them down

What works for one person, doesn't work for another.

I agree with tatoobunnie, to a degree.

Everyone has a different level of tolerance.

Honor yours. I tend to get overly stuck on the principle of the matter, so I understand.

 

Just because you share the same DNA doesn't mean you hold them to a totally different standard.

Personally, I expect more from my immediate family, not less.

 

30's . . .Hmmm. I suspected you all were younger.

Like I said. My brother and I outgrew it. We pretty much didn't speak to each other during our 20's.

 

He was an angry young man who took out his frustrations on his little sister. (my entire childhood)

 

My parents coddled him and made excuses for him. When I was about 20, I just hit the wall and said I was done. I refused to be in the same room as him.

 

But that's all old news now. He's not the same young man and neither am I. (woman:)

I am sorry to hear. I kind of did the opposite. I did NC so I would stop abusing my siblings until I grew out of it.

I did grow out of it.

I can't wait for her to though.

I possess no hate and don't need forgiveness of myself, I don't think. I just can't overlook this no matter how hard I try. The only burden is the impact it has on my family. I live a sheltered quiet life anyways, so I don't feel the impact and disconnectedness.

I've lived most of my life without her and I don't oblige just by the obligation "You're her older brother" because it holds me to a standard and enables her to disregard hers.

I feel if I hear from my brother and buckle down and attend, I won't be happy and I would be petty then since I am forced to do something against my will.

I am going to offer my experience in the hopes that it may help you in some way. I well relate to the dynamic of which you speak. The lies, weakness, "amnesia" (abject denial) by parents. The pattern of abusive and disrespectful behavior towards me that was passed down to subsequent generations. The reality that I will likely not have any family to speak of once my parents are gone.

A few years ago the $hit hit the fan for me. I hit that wall. I tried to teach my family a lesson, too, by not attending a Holiday function. Meaning - I tried to make them understand that I required respect. Period. Guess what? I sat home alone, sad, upset, depressed - while they had their holiday and carried on as if I never existed. That was a huge eye-opener and one I suppose I needed to see. There was no knock on my door with the family members standing ready to apologize. Nope. Utter silence. They did not care. I had to seriously grieve this. I literally cried for several weeks night and day - like a massive train wreck had killed off my family. That is what it felt like - except they were choosing it. Ouch. Now I realize that was my "fantasy" family and not the one I actually had. My real family members are deeply flawed people; and I am as well. Now what? Only one answer. Acceptance of what is - then decide how to deal with it.

Family dynamics got better for awhile many months later on, and now they are bad again. I have gone NC with my sibling over an event where his cruelty was simply the last straw (also involving a dog, ironically).

Now; my sibling is also going to have a similar event. A wedding reception. I may go - I may not. I don't know if I will be invited. But if I go- it will be because despite their flaws and how often they have basically emotionally decimated me...I've worked on it. i got counseling. I studied on narcissistic family dynamics. I know the deal, now. And after years of trying to "get them to see," I finally know - they don't WANT to see, and it's not going to change. They are not going to change. Others on this forum said their family members did. In my case - they won't. They don't see themselves as having a problem. I have finally accepted this. It has taken nearly three years of work.

I read the other day that some people simply don't have the "capacity" to change. I never believed this. For years I did not believe this. Now, I do. Especially if you are talking about elderly parents. So, I've learned its a useless cause to keep beating that drum. All it does is make you crazy with frustration and anger. I needed to feel those emotions though and work through them. Maybe you do, too.

So as others have said - you have to decide if you can go and not be emotionally "charged," ready for a fight or a disappointment. You choose the dynamic in advance. Go. Plan to stay for a short time or until you feel yourself ready to go. You can go - be cordial, love them - full well knowing they cannot or will not treat you the way you want, and then make a polite exit. It's not easy. I did it recently and yeah, it sorta sucked. But I viewed it as an opportunity for me to not be so reactive. To take away their power to hurt me like that anymore. To detach. I never looked my sibling in the face. I couldn't after his last escapade of trampling on my heart. But I took my parent there; was cordial (and admittedly uncomfortable). I did what I thought was right and I can live with that. I knew that if I didn't go that would only create more drama and fodder for them. So - I went. I lived. I am okay. You can be too. Work on this. Listen to a youtube video called "Pint people." It's a journey and a process. The key to freedom is to stop reacting to what you cannot change. Do I spend time with my sibling now? No. Will I ever? - it's not likely. I no longer trust him at all. He killed that - and it's on him. He will never apologize. I know this. So - his loss. He doesn't get to have me in his life other than the occasional family event. In the past that was all reversed where I felt like i needed to make them love me and why couldn't they see etc. etc. Now - I realize I am just as valuable as the next person, and if someone I love doesn't treat me well in return? It's on them. I don't have to be upset about it any more. I can simply follow my boundaries, do what I feel is right, what I feel I can live with in my moral code, and keep working to be a person who can accept what is.

I don't have to be upset about it any more. I can simply follow my boundaries, do what I feel is right, what I feel I can live with in my moral code, and keep working to be a person who can accept what is.

well said!

Hi Johnny Utah, after reading all the posts, I don’t think you should attend, nor do I think you should feel obligated to attend.

You and your sister have been estranged for a long time (two years), she has made no efforts to reach out, not to mention you don’t want to go (rightly so IMO), it would feel disingenuous if you went, so I think it’s fine if you don’t attend, no need to feel guilty about it. Stay true to yourself, and your own boundaries, and do what you feel is right in your heart.

FWIW, I went through something very similar a few years back (posted a thread about it on another forum) my step sister’s son was getting married (my nephew who I hadn’t seen in literally YEARS); my step-sister has literally hated me forever, has made that clear on a number of occasions (my brothers think it’s jealousy because my dad and I were so close and they weren’t) she hadn’t reached out to me in YEARS (despite my efforts to reach out to her, even bought her a Christmas gift which she never even acknowledged nor thanked me for), then suddenly out of the blue I get a wedding invite!

I struggled with it, back and forth, feeling obligated on one hand, not wanting to go and wondering why she had even invited me at all, it just all seemed very phony and disingenuous.

So after receiving many responses on the thread advising that, under the circumstances (her hating me, trashing me to a couple of my brothers, ignoring my previous attempts to reach out), that I should feel NO obligation to go, and I didn’t go.

And I actually felt OK about my decision.

It’s sad that I can’t have a RL with her, I have tried, but I don’t know, you can’t force these things with family, or anyone really. There were times I felt she had invited me to perhaps made amends, but after I called her on phone (voice mail) and politely declined with a legit excuse (really), she never even responded back, just ignored it.

Neither she nor my nephew ever acknowledged or thanked me for the gift I sent either, so it was then I realized I did the right thing by staying true to myself and my own boundaries, and again who knows why she even invited me. My guess would be some sort of social status or something but who the h knows.

Sorry JU, didn’t mean to make this all about “me,” but because it’s such a similar situation to yours, I thought my experience might help you with your decision.

Good luck with whatever you ultimately decide!

I am going to offer my experience in the hopes that it may help you in some way. I well relate to the dynamic of which you speak. The lies, weakness, "amnesia" (abject denial) by parents. The pattern of abusive and disrespectful behavior towards me that was passed down to subsequent generations. The reality that I will likely not have any family to speak of once my parents are gone.

 

A few years ago the $hit hit the fan for me. I hit that wall. I tried to teach my family a lesson, too, by not attending a Holiday function. Meaning - I tried to make them understand that I required respect. Period. Guess what? I sat home alone, sad, upset, depressed - while they had their holiday and carried on as if I never existed. That was a huge eye-opener and one I suppose I needed to see. There was no knock on my door with the family members standing ready to apologize. Nope. Utter silence. They did not care. I had to seriously grieve this. I literally cried for several weeks night and day - like a massive train wreck had killed off my family. That is what it felt like - except they were choosing it. Ouch. Now I realize that was my "fantasy" family and not the one I actually had. My real family members are deeply flawed people; and I am as well. Now what? Only one answer. Acceptance of what is - then decide how to deal with it.

 

Family dynamics got better for awhile many months later on, and now they are bad again. I have gone NC with my sibling over an event where his cruelty was simply the last straw (also involving a dog, ironically).

 

Now; my sibling is also going to have a similar event. A wedding reception. I may go - I may not. I don't know if I will be invited. But if I go- it will be because despite their flaws and how often they have basically emotionally decimated me...I've worked on it. i got counseling. I studied on narcissistic family dynamics. I know the deal, now. And after years of trying to "get them to see," I finally know - they don't WANT to see, and it's not going to change. They are not going to change. Others on this forum said their family members did. In my case - they won't. They don't see themselves as having a problem. I have finally accepted this. It has taken nearly three years of work.

 

I read the other day that some people simply don't have the "capacity" to change. I never believed this. For years I did not believe this. Now, I do. Especially if you are talking about elderly parents. So, I've learned its a useless cause to keep beating that drum. All it does is make you crazy with frustration and anger. I needed to feel those emotions though and work through them. Maybe you do, too.

 

So as others have said - you have to decide if you can go and not be emotionally "charged," ready for a fight or a disappointment. You choose the dynamic in advance. Go. Plan to stay for a short time or until you feel yourself ready to go. You can go - be cordial, love them - full well knowing they cannot or will not treat you the way you want, and then make a polite exit. It's not easy. I did it recently and yeah, it sorta sucked. But I viewed it as an opportunity for me to not be so reactive. To take away their power to hurt me like that anymore. To detach. I never looked my sibling in the face. I couldn't after his last escapade of trampling on my heart. But I took my parent there; was cordial (and admittedly uncomfortable). I did what I thought was right and I can live with that. I knew that if I didn't go that would only create more drama and fodder for them. So - I went. I lived. I am okay. You can be too. Work on this. Listen to a youtube video called "Pint people." It's a journey and a process. The key to freedom is to stop reacting to what you cannot change. Do I spend time with my sibling now? No. Will I ever? - it's not likely. I no longer trust him at all. He killed that - and it's on him. He will never apologize. I know this. So - his loss. He doesn't get to have me in his life other than the occasional family event. In the past that was all reversed where I felt like i needed to make them love me and why couldn't they see etc. etc. Now - I realize I am just as valuable as the next person, and if someone I love doesn't treat me well in return? It's on them. I don't have to be upset about it any more. I can simply follow my boundaries, do what I feel is right, what I feel I can live with in my moral code, and keep working to be a person who can accept what is.

Omg. Thank you for such a thoughtful response and sharing your life lessons as well.

I feel sorry for what you went through. I must say that I only fantasize about a happy ending but I do not expect it at all. I am pragmatic and realistic about people. People don't tend to change. It takes Massive action to make change.

In my 39 years, my sister may have been in it for 12 or so and close to me for about 2 years after I reconciled. I am not that attached. We share genetics and family and little else now or before.

I expect my brother to try to get me to go one last time but otherwise no grand gestures will happen. Life will continue. I won't cry though I may be a bit sad, that she chose to hurt everybody over her pride.

You have done very well for your own personal development. I realized a long time ago my parents won't change. I consider it a win that they finally see my side and my mom has stopped interfering and lying.

I feel like clapping for you. You story is very empowering. We do decide how people treat us and although my story isn't as harsh as how you got treated, I don't want to be part of the problem or involved in a way that isn't healthy to me or her.

Congrats on bearing it and going. I'm not sure I can. Here are my options:

1. I won't go regardless of what my brother says.

2. I can go and pretend. Act totally fake.

3. I can go but I will feel a little petty. I won't take pictures pretending our family is normal and smiling when I didn't get invited. Nor will I shake hands and pretend. I also won't give a gift.

4. She and her husband calls and makes up for all this.

4 will not happen. I think I am deciding between 3 and 1 now. 2 is unacceptable to me. Its not even possible. My face shows it all. They don't deserve 2 and just dragging myself will take all the power that I have that there will be little left for anything.

3 would just be so that my brother and parents can save face. I don't care about saving face at all.

Hi Johnny Utah, after reading all the posts, I don’t think you should attend, nor do I think you should feel obligated to attend.

 

You and your sister have been estranged for a long time (two years), she has made no efforts to reach out, not to mention you don’t want to go (rightly so IMO), it would feel disingenuous if you went, so I think it’s fine if you don’t attend, no need to feel guilty about it. Stay true to yourself, and your own boundaries, and do what you feel is right in your heart.

 

FWIW, I went through something very similar a few years back (posted a thread about it on another forum) my step sister’s son was getting married (my nephew who I hadn’t seen in literally YEARS); my step-sister has literally hated me forever, has made that clear on a number of occasions (my brothers think it’s jealousy because my dad and I were so close and they weren’t) she hadn’t reached out to me in YEARS (despite my efforts to reach out to her, even bought her a Christmas gift which she never even acknowledged nor thanked me for), then suddenly out of the blue I get a wedding invite!

 

I struggled with it, back and forth, feeling obligated on one hand, not wanting to go and wondering why she had even invited me at all, it just all seemed very phony and disingenuous.

 

So after receiving many responses on the thread advising that, under the circumstances (her hating me, trashing me to a couple of my brothers, ignoring my previous attempts to reach out), that I should feel NO obligation to go, and I didn’t go.

 

And I actually felt OK about my decision.

 

It’s sad that I can’t have a RL with her, I have tried, but I don’t know, you can’t force these things with family, or anyone really. There were times I felt she had invited me to perhaps made amends, but after I called her on phone (voice mail) and politely declined with a legit excuse (really), she never even responded back, just ignored it.

 

Neither she nor my nephew ever acknowledged or thanked me for the gift I sent either, so it was then I realized I did the right thing by staying true to myself and my own boundaries, and again who knows why she even invited me. My guess would be some sort of social status or something but who the h knows.

 

Sorry JU, didn’t mean to make this all about “me,” but because it’s such a similar situation to yours, I thought my experience might help you with your decision.

 

Good luck with whatever you ultimately decide!

Thank you for you story and thoughts. It's touching to hear personal stories and help with anonymous people.

You story spoke about expectations (thanks for the gift and the invite) and made me think about the word "should". People should act this way, they should say this or do that, and that always leads to disappointment.

We should act and have very little expectations because people will disappoint you and surprise you when you are realistic about their capabilities.

I think you were realistic about yours. Not going probably did hurt them but you can't change them and it saved you a lot of pain so it was the right decision.

Thanks again for you story.

 

You story spoke about expectations (thanks for the gift and the invite) and made me think about the word "should". People should act this way, they should say this or do that, and that always leads to disappointment.

 

We should act and have very little expectations because people will disappoint you and surprise you when you are realistic about their capabilities.

 

I think you were realistic about yours. Not going probably did hurt them but you can't change them and it saved you a lot of pain so it was the right decision.

 

Thanks again for you story.

I agree with you about expectations, lord knows I preach about it enough on this forum, lol.

In truth I really didn't have any expectations, I admit I used to but not anymore; I sent the gift for myself and felt better for doing so.

That's not to say an acknowledgement of some sort wouldn't have been appreciated, it would have been, but I seriously had no expectation that it would happen.

I don't agree they were "hurt," if I felt they would be, in any way, shape or form, I would have attended, because I don't like hurting people, even though they've hurt me in the past.

Again not sure why I was invited, knowing her it was a social status thing (meaning she felt obligated to do so (that she should) as I am considered "family" and she didn't want to explain to everyone why she had not invited me).

Anyway, nuff said about me, I am glad you were able appreciate my experience and I truly hope you are able to sort this out!

Family issues are very tough to navigate sometimes; I've dealt with my fair share (not just this situation) and often consider them to be more hurtful than even some of our romantic involvements.

Here are my options:

1. I won't go regardless of what my brother says.

2. I can go and pretend. Act totally fake.

3. I can go but I will feel a little petty. I won't take pictures pretending our family is normal and smiling when I didn't get invited. Nor will I shake hands and pretend. I also won't give a gift.

4. She and her husband calls and makes up for all this.

4 will not happen. I think I am deciding between 3 and 1 now. 2 is unacceptable to me. Its not even possible. My face shows it all. They don't deserve 2 and just dragging myself will take all the power that I have that there will be little left for anything.

3 would just be so that my brother and parents can save face. I don't care about saving face at all.

I would like to suggest another option for your list:

5 - Go. Don't pretend. But don't carry the argument in to the event. You are going to an event to celebrate the event. To be respectful to your family and friends - even if they don't act the same way. Hold your head high. Take pictures. Follow your own moral code. You aren't doing anything more than saying - this is my family. That is not a lie. That is not fake. It just is. Remove the drama from that.

I know - believe me i KNOW how hard it can be. But once you take your power back over it - you won't be faking anything and you won't have anything to prove. You just go and be and do and let them do the same.

Easy for me to say? not, lol. But I think you will look back on it and be proud of yourself. It all depends on where you are in your healing process. A year earlier - I couldn't have done it. I needed the space and the time without their further input to address my pain. Now I think I could. I am sure you will do what is right for you.

 

Easy for me to say? not, lol. But I think you will look back on it and be proud of yourself. It all depends on where you are in your healing process. A year earlier - I couldn't have done it. I needed the space and the time without their further input to address my pain. Now I think I could. I am sure you will do what is right for you.

I agree.

Go for you. Go because you are above all of the nonsense and you get to walk away knowing that you have what it takes to rise above it all. It is about taking back your power and not allowing people to get under your skin. . .because in the end that is a choice.

Even if it's for a short time, go.

I think you'll surprise yourself with your resolve.

somehow double posted same reply

I agree.

Go for you. Go because you are above all of the nonsense and you get to walk away knowing that you have what it takes to rise above it all. It is about taking back your power and not allowing people to get under your skin. . .because in the end that is a choice.

Even if it's for a short time, go.

I think you'll surprise yourself with your resolve.

Despite my previous posts, upon further reflection, this^ is really good advice. I wish I could have risen above the nonsense, but at the time I admit I wasn't strong enough; it happened a couple of years ago and was still struggling with the deaths of both my parents and a bad breakup. So wasn't in the right frame to be dealing with any of that.

I think now I may feel differently and go; yes it does feel good to rise above all the BS and not allow others to negatively affect you, I try to adhere to that, and often succeed, but unfortunately not always.

Still a work in progress I suppose.

Sometimes it helps to imagine yourself down the line 10, 15, + years down the line. Imagine looking back on this and yourself , what possible scenarios would make you the happiest and most at peace to have chosen? What's most in line with your sense of morality and what you want out of life?

I think we all have some family that just ... sucks ;)

I have a few .. doesn't matter what I've done, and I tried a lot, they are who they are. Makes perfect sense, but took til my thirties and a few rough lessons to get that.

So now , especially after my mom passed away and there's little of anything but myself to keep the relationships going, it's absolutely me just being me and doing what I want and not caring about what they may do. I know who they are. I only allow in what I want .

Your new brother in law sounds like someone you might actually have a connection with, there's that, and I have this feeling you wouldn't mind having at least a chance to enjoy being uncle to their kids , even if mom is a brat.

It doesn't sound as though anybody's is asking for forgiveness, so you don't need to forgive. You get to decide how important your grudge is to you, how well it's serving you, and whether or not you want to keep it. You can opt at any time to trade it in for some family harmony and a release from the idea that 'shoulding' on other people brings you anything of value.

You don't need to trade the idea that sister is a douche in order to stop behaving like one yourself.

I agree.

Go for you. Go because you are above all of the nonsense and you get to walk away knowing that you have what it takes to rise above it all. It is about taking back your power and not allowing people to get under your skin. . .because in the end that is a choice.

Even if it's for a short time, go.

I think you'll surprise yourself with your resolve.

Right. But I'm not there yet nor may I ever be. I don't have what it takes. Nothing in my character or current life has ever shown this. I have not lost any power, and she's not under my skin since I have 0 reaction around them.

Just dragging myself to go, which I am not sure I even can, would be physically demanding! Seriously. It would take a nudge from my brother otherwise I'm not even considering it. I am just assuming that once he gets here, he will try again to convince me.

He may not.

I can't even contemplate acting normal and celebrating when I have NOTHING to celebrate about. It's fake. It's not true to myself.

In 10 years on my parents death bed or some other situation, I can project myself NOT having regrets about the way I may act since I am disconnected from her. It seems to me that while sitting on my own moral high ground, I feel far away from her.

It doesn't sound as though anybody's is asking for forgiveness, so you don't need to forgive. You get to decide how important your grudge is to you, how well it's serving you, and whether or not you want to keep it. You can opt at any time to trade it in for some family harmony and a release from the idea that 'shoulding' on other people brings you anything of value.

 

You don't need to trade the idea that sister is a douche in order to stop behaving like one yourself.

I disagree with the term douche regarding either of our behaviours.