Why do women do this?

Okay, so this is going to be red flag heavy. Probably worth counting them really haha. Anyway, here we go........

I hooked up with an ex of mine about 6 months ago (probably first red flag, first of many). She was single, and was super interested. I was too, but my ex wife and mother of my 4yr old boy hates this ex of mine. Neither of us wanted to risk starting a relationship which may risk my relationship with my son.

So we kinda left it. But 2 weeks later, the ex wife found out, spat the dummy a bit. In the end, she said she doesnt care who I date, as long as its not while I have my son. So I texted the girl back explaining that we could go out. Turns out, she went back to her ex.....in 2 weeks! (red flags...anyone?)

I was a bit dark on her for moving along so quickly, but whatever.

Now this is what is pissing me off....

Once i found out she had a boyfriend, i stopped contacting her. Every once and a while she'd text with small talk, and i'd send simple polite replies.

All went quiet for a few months, i'd almost forgotten about her, and she starts texting me again. I swear its like a second sense they have.."hmmm...maybe he is forgetting about me?....best send him a text out of no where to invigorate his mind!"

This time she goes straight into telling me how much she misses me, how much she thinks about me. I'm thinking cool, and tell her I missed her too etc. This goes back and forward for a bit. I decide to stalk her facebook, and to my suprise, she's still in a relationship, yet she's texting me.

What makes this hardest, is I'm really into this girl. We had a connection, mentally, physically, emotionally. We just really got along. But i'm not down with cheating and the like. I ponder the situation, while she continues to text me daily now. That she gets her vegetables from a farm out near me every fortnight, just to drive past my house. That most of her passwords are my birthday. That she thinks of me a million times a day.

I figure I've got 3 options.

1) Continue on as is, see where it goes, possibly bed her behind her boyfriends back

2) Instead of cheating, encourage her to leave her boyfriend for me/ pry her from his arms

3) Cut contact and bail

Now remember, im really into this girl. Options 1 and 2 are tempting. When she's saying stuff like we are soulmates, and she craves me, and I just "get"her, im figuring option 1 and 2 are definately possible. But shock horror, i'm not a complete douche. Cheating sux. Stealing another mans girl sux. I'd rather they come willingly. So I manned up and went option number 3. It was hard, as she was saying some of the nicest things to me I'd ever heard. But then, I figured, if she meant it that much as she says, she would have left him by now.

So I sent a text along the lines of " Look, you know how I feel about you, I really like you and are into you. But you are in a committed relationship. If you become available, id be interested in dating you, but since you have a boyfriend, i think we shouldnt have contact".

I get a reply saying she understands, that she will miss me, and talking to me heaps. That apart from her boyfriend noy understanding her like me and our connection, she has no real reason to end it with him. She says she will regret not being brave enough to leave him to pursue me for what she called true love. Says she will be thinking of me every day. Says to text once and a while to let her know how im doing. Kiss hug kiss hug.

.

I found myself quite pissed off, and im not real sure why. I kinda knew she wouldnt leave her current boyfriend, if she was going to, she would have done it by now.

I'm not sure wether im angry at her because although she has a bf, I felt like she led me on, saying all these beautiful things and her feelings...only to not even consider acting on them....

....or im angry because she basically was having her cake and eating it. Bf at home, setting me up as a possible back up plan should things turn sour. getting attention and compliments from me, and i am there filling in the emotional gap she is missing from her bf....

...or i'm angry because i let myself fall into this whole trap when I should have known better. I've always felt pretty strongly about this girl, that was my undoing.

On the upside, I could of made a much worse mess out of the senario, so i'm kinda proud that i did the right thing, even if it makes me feel pretty average.

Thoughts? Opinions? Red flags lol?

You're angry because she's clearly a phony. She says you're her "true love" then gives you the old kiss off and stays with her bf?? *Shaking my head*...she's not very nice at all.

Yes, you're a good guy who didn't follow her down the wrong road, that was decent of you.

Stay away from this game player. Thank your lucky stars you're not her boyfriend otherwise you could be the fool she's messing around while she texts other guys behind your back telling them how great they are.

Find another girl who is actually decent and stays loyal to one man.

She's throwing you bread crumbs to keep you in reserve.

Block her, delete, move on. Strict no contact.

Maybe one day she'll reappear, single. Hopefully by then you won't want to touch her with a 10 foot barge pole.

Anyway, get on with your life - the future can take care of itself.

Red flag #1: you slept with a girl and wanted to keep her a secret, and then “somehow” your ex finds out.

You’re the one throwing red flags

Yes, I have to agree. This woman is pretty despicable.

For what it’s worth, some men do this too. It’s insecurity, IMO, and the inability to be alone. They need to have someone on the line at all times. An escape hatch and/or extra validation that they are desirable. If she could do it to him, she would most certainly have done it to you too.

Since I do like to believe in the good in people, though, if I try realllllllly hard, the only thing I can really add is that your ex seems to have far too much control over your life. Unless your ex can prove in court that your new partner is abusive to the child, your ex actually has zero say in who you date or bring around your child. Zero. None. Zippo. And if she tries to muck with custody over it, the courts can and will reverse things and give you custody. They don’t care who your ex wife likes. They really don’t. They care that the child has access to both parents and if someone tries to mess with that for any reason, the courts will come down on that. I mean - sure - it’s nice to be amicable and avoid drama... but... all I’m saying is, in the new woman’s shoes, I would also have chosen to stay where I was. To jump from a stable situation to a tenuous situation where, should your ex-wife throw a fit the relationship could be over (even if that’s not true it probably feels that way) is not very secure.

... but that doesn’t give her the right to string you along over it...

Just food for thought for your next relationship. It sounds to me like you need to squish the ex-wife’s power trip a bit.

Great replies. OP, your last 2 reasons why you were angry are spot on.

Try to let it go and be proud of you for walking away. Takes real courage.

Thanks for the replies.

In regards to my ex, yeah she can throw a tantrum from time to time. Yeah sure, if she denied me access to my son, I could fight it. But we are talking courts, and stress etc. Nobody needs that. I know its not fair, but I'm well aware if she got upset enough, she may use my ability to see my son against me.

If it were another woman, someone she didnt know, things would be alot different. She just hates this particular ex of mine. I agree with the comment that this would be daunting for the ex. But I was just trying to be honest, we talked about what could possibly happen, and decided it was too much of a risk. I guess I could of said nothing about it, and just dealt with the storm when it happened, but thats not nice for anyone.

I'm interested why i'm the one throwing red flags? We were talking for a fair while, and eventually, one thing led to another. I had made an agreement with my ex, that if either of us were to start seeing someone, that we would let the other know. Now I'd been talking to her for a while, and even eventually slept with her. But we both agreed that right now wasnt the best time to start a relationship. If we had of, I would have manned up and told the ex. But as we werent starting a relationship, it in no way affected my son, and its quite frankly none of her business, I didnt see the point in telling her about a one off night. Am I supposed to go and tell her everytime I have a one night stand? A relationship - yes.......a root....no.

I'm not sure how the ex found out. She was pretty mad because of who it was, but whatever, I should be allowed to have a life. Once she got over it, she ended up basically saying date whoever the hell you want, I just dont want our son meeting them until its all stable, he doesnt need to be confused, and have people in and out of his life (he is 4).

Now I have to agree with her on that. My boy does come first, and once a relationship is steady and stable, only then is it a good time to start making introductions. If the shoe was on the other foot, and she was going through guys, and my son was exposed to it, Id be none to happy. That said, if she hooked up with a guy I hated, and he was around my son all the time, there would be jack I could do about it, but its not the same for me.

Anyway

Once that was said, is when I messaged her and told her the ex is calmed down, She wont hold my son from me, and that we can date etc. Turned out it was too late, and she'd gone back to her ex. Fair enough, whatever. I was dissapointed though.

The fact her last reply came so quick told me she didnt even need the time to consider her situation. Most likely, she had already weighed everything up, and had decided long ago that she wasnt ready to leave her boyfriend for me at this point, but was more than happy to text me behind his back, basically confessing her undying love for me.

Quite frankly, my past relationships with these 2 women have really turned me off relationships totally. Was with the ex wife for 9 years, we ended up just making each other miserable, she was very aggressive and loved fighting.

The other one just messed with my head and continued making big mistakes and messing things up horribly, for me, for herself. Seems lately she is getting better at not messing stuff up for herself so much lol.

Seems to me you need time just to be you.

And the fact that your ex says you should be introducing people to your son says a lot about her. You should be mature enough to make that decision on your own.

This has nothing to do with "women" but this particular woman.

The real question is, why do you find all this drama exciting?

I'm going to get flamed here, but whatever. This isn't the type of girl you're going to want any type of relationship with and definitely not the type of girl you marry. I'd personally go with option 1. Looking back on things, one of the things I regret the most is all the girls I passed on because of the morale compass. In fact, the girls I passed on because I wanted to do the 'right thing' are the ones I remember and regret more then the girls I actually did stuff with.