Jealousy/insecurity in a relationship - advice needed please

I have an amazing boyfriend, we've been together for a little over 2 years now and it has been amazing. We have had our ups and our downs, nobody's perfet, but all in all our relationship is solid and every day I tell myself how lucky I am to have this man... I almost feel 'too' lucky, because the thing is I have low self-esteem and I have been hurt in the past so I have trust issues. It is unfair that he be the one to pay for my exes' mistakes, but my scars haven't healed and too often I doubt him, his intentions, his love, etc... when deep down I know this guy is the most caring and loving human being there is. So from time to time I will have little 'insecurity crisis' for the dumbest little things/reasons and he will take it like a champ': he'll reassure me, love me, hug me, buy me flowers or whatnot until I feel better and until he knows for sur that I have no doubts left for the time being. But another crisis is always around the corner, I have about one or two of these a week :/ He'll even let me go through his phone or messenger if I feel the need to. He is so sweet and patient and I always end up feeling guilty for having had these doubts in the first place, but sometimes my insecurities just get the better of me and even if I try to fight it it feels overwhelming. my heart starts to pound and I want to cry and then the show starts...

So now that you have a general idea of how unfairly doubtful and maybe even cruel I can be with this amazing man who deserves my trust at all times, there is a specific story I would like to have your opinion on. This just happened yesterday night. I have a friend who is so beautiful, kind, sweet, funny, smart, well-read,... you get the picture, and who knows how amazing she is and likes to flaunt it. She has talked to me many times about her need to know she has an effect on men, and even sometimes on her women friends. She likes to flirt, though she has a boyfriend and never will act on it. And my boyfriend being the handsome and amazing guy that she is, I know she likes him a lot and yesterday she went a little too far... She came in drenched because she got caught by the rain by surprise on her way to our place, and when I gave her a shirt to change and get dry she purposely took off hers in front of my boyfriend, even though I had just shown her where the bathroom wa. My boyfriend didn't really pay attention as he was on his phone and usually doesn't have eyes for anyone but me, so when she noticed he wasn't looking her way she sat in the chair next to him while closing the buttons of the shirt I had just lent her saying something along the lines of 'I'm a little bit of an exhibitionnist, don't mind me. I might even take my bra off !' My boyfriend took a quick glance, later explaining to me that it was just because he wanted to check if she really had dared to go 'that far'... he was shocked. All three of us then had diner but she didn't let me talk, she kept interrupting, making jokes when I got into any serious subject, giving my boyfriend nudges when he made jokes, talking about what books she had just read and how she started having a passion for culture at an early age,... my boyfriend seemed to be very impressed, later telling me how great she was, 'sweet, smart, beautiful...' I felt like I didn't exist. At one point, she said she loved joking about how the jewish value money, to which I responded something like 'Actually I love their values, which to me are family first and tradition !' There was an awkward silence. My boyfriend then said I had just sort of ruined the moment, that he and my friend were laughing and kidding around and he asked me why I was being so serious all of a sudden. I felt like I was bothering them, keeping them from having a great time.

Then at the end of the night she proposed we play 'Never have I ever'. By that point we had drank three bottles of wine, my boyfriend and my friend both seemed to be in the same playful/cheerful mood. So we played 'Never have I ever', and all her questions were so sexual and so were her answers... Like, graphically sexual, as in saying how she loves role play, masturbating in front of a mirror, dirty talk, taking it from behind, etc etc... I could tell she was trying to excite my boyfriend, she was insistant. One of her questions was even : "Would you guys be down for a threesome". ? I couldn't wait for her to leave. By that point I was steaming with jalousy and anger. Keep in mind this is the third time she has seen my boyfriend, and she kept saying : "I love you guys, you two are so amazing I can't wait to do this again !" When she left, I broke down and told my boyfriend how I had felt all night long. He was so kind but also told me that yes, this girl is out of all of my friends probably the one he prefers, that she is genuinely nice and very interesting, and listing all of her qualities. I felt like in comparison to her, he used the adjective 'radiant' to talk about her, and kept repeating what an amazing night he had just spent... I wanted to disappear. Today I feel slightly over it because, as always, we have talked about it and he was so reassuring and kind and loving, and this morning he got me breakfast, he tried to make me laugh, he sent me cute texts when he left the appartment... He's too amazing for me to stay 'insecure' for too long, but still I'm so afraid he's going to start thinking more and more about this girl now... I feel like she is the sun and I am the moon, I feel like she was a breath of fresh air to him, like she is everything I am not : spontaneous, carefree, bubbly, sexy, flirtatious...

I know this girl loves to flirt all the time, and boy is she good at it, so I'm not angry at her because that is her nature and she didn't want to do anything to hurt me, but I'm scared this night has 'planted' some bad seeds in my boyfriend's mind. He's even told me he would love to see her again but since the aftermath was so sour (i.e my jalousy crisis when she left), he won't accept drinks with her and I anymore so that this sort of situation doesn't happen again. But now I feel like the 'vilain' in the story, keeping my boyfriend and my friend, who clearly truly enjoy each other's company, from hanging out with each other again, being the jalous/annoying/insecure/overly attached girlfriend which is in complete contrast with how lovely my friend is/was last night,... basically I'm not doing too good. To top it all of, I recieved a message from my friend this morning saying how great our diner was, that she can't wait to have another diner like this one, and that our game of 'Never have I ever' excited her and that when she got home she asked her man about having a threesome/foursome someday...

I don't know what to make of this, I showed my boyfriend the message and he just laughed it off but I'm afraid he'll get ideas now... After she left yesterday I couldn't even have sex with my boyfriend because with all that had just happened and how charming/seductive my friend had been, I was afraid he would think of her while having sex... Don't know if I should feel threatened or trust that her 'amazingness' and beauty and insistance won't work on my boyfriend...?

 

I know this girl loves to flirt all the time, and boy is she good at it, so I'm not angry at her because that is her nature and she didn't want to do anything to hurt me, but I'm scared this night has 'planted' some bad seeds in my boyfriend's mind. He's even told me he would love to see her again but since the aftermath was so sour (i.e my jalousy crisis when she left), he won't accept drinks with her and I anymore so that this sort of situation doesn't happen again. But now I feel like the 'vilain' in the story, keeping my boyfriend and my friend, who clearly truly enjoy each other's company, from hanging out with each other again, being the jalous/annoying/insecure/overly attached girlfriend which is in complete contrast with how lovely my friend is/was last night,... basically I'm not doing too good.

Well . .you definitely need to work on your self esteem some, because you supposed friend was waayy out line and your punishing yourself relentlessly for feeling uncomfortable.

Instead of beating yourself up, how about you consider getting angry for a change? Instead you think you have some mysterious character flaw you need help on correcting? If you were not bugged by her actions, I'd be concerned.

She is not this lovely friend as you refer to. She is an attention seeking, inappropriate friend.

She was blatantly trying to get his attention and you sat on your hands, did nothing and let it beat you down and feel as if you were the bad guy in all of this.

OF course he noticed her antics! And he gets an award for handling it the way he did, but you need to reconsider your friendship with this woman.

With "friends" like this, who needs enemies?

With "friends" like this, who needs enemies?

^This. Honestly, I'm kind of speechless....like....wth are you doing calling her a friend?

I'm serious. You say she wouldn't do anything, but she DID it right in your face. So what's your definition of doing something? If she threw him down on the couch and banged him right in front of you, would you finally get it then that she is not a friend? I mean she pretty much did go that far, definitely mind fck'ed him if not quite physically so and you just sat there and took it and come on here and tell us she is a good person who wouldn't do anything.....I...umm....yeah.... with "friends" like that who needs enemies. You really need to revisit what is and isn't right in life.

As for having these panic anxiety attacks to the extreme that you do multiple times per week, I mean you really need to get medical help. This is just not normal and this is about your own personal health and well being. Whatever the cause, it needs to be addressed and sorted out. Then again, if this is typical of the kind of company you keep and consider "good people"....maybe you are having all this anxiety for a reason - your common sense is screaming at you to wake and start making better choices and decisions for yourself.

I agree, wow what inappropriate behavior from her! I couldn't imagine taking my shirt of in front of someone's boyfriend.

I'd say your best bet is to take some action and create boundaries, by talking to her or not inviting her anymore, if she's going to talk openly about her sexual preferences, masturbation techniques, or decides to get nude. I definitely find openly flaunting sexuality a bit off-putting personally, and since it makes you uncomfortable, it's time to speak up.

Don't be so passive and insecure. The guy clearly loves you, but your self-doubt is going to sabotage the relationship.

What is it that attracts you to her as a friend?

This girl is not your friend. She is disrespectful and inappropriate and was clearly trying to provoke your boyfriend. I would not be hanging out with her anymore.

As for your general bouts of insecurity - if it's happening as regularly as once or twice a week, I would strongly urge you to consider therapy. Sooner or later, your boyfriend will tire of paying for other guys' mistakes and you will create what you fear most. It's good that you recognize it's a problem, but now you need to take steps to resolve it, without projecting on to your boyfriend.

Wow, I'm the only one realizing that this poster admittedly over reacts and creates scenarios in her head and has a codependency to her boyfriend and we're focusing on the friend even though the actual events may not have been nearly as bad as she sees them? I mean wouldn't a trustworthy boyfriend also be uncomfortable with an overly flirtatious friend? That's what stuck out to me. If she was so overt he would have been uncomfortable. I always take note that we are getting one side of the story and if it's from someone admitting an issue, it's not going to be complete reality.

I'm going to be the odd man out and say for the love of God if you don't get in control of your issues you will become CONPLETELY codependent on your boyfriend and when it ends, sorry no relationship where a man or woman has to constantly reassure their partner can last, when it ends it will destroy you. Get help now. If it's not this friend it will be his friend if it's not his friend it'll be the neighbor if it's not the neighbor it'll be the cashier if it's not the cashier it's the girl on the commercial for coors lite. Like come on. Let's focus on the actual problem here and not the symptom.

/rant over.

Your need to do so much explaining about how insecure you are and how wonderful you BF is concerns me... as of course does this nonsense with your “friend”.

Its entirely possible that there are some yellow flags in your BF that triggered your anxiety...these feelings don’t just happen in a vacuum.

At any rate even if we take what you say at face value, the behaviour of your friend and the fact that your BF would call you out in front of her is enough to be pissed off about.

Are you sure you aren't having these "crises" for the payoff of all the extra attention? That's consistant with someone who goes into a relationship, yet claims they are so "scarred" that they need special kid glove treatment and controlling him to the point of insisting you go through his phone to "reassure you".

from time to time I will have little 'insecurity crisis' for the dumbest little things/reasons and he will take it like a champ': he'll reassure me, love me, hug me, buy me flowers or whatnot until I feel better and until he knows for sur that I have no doubts left for the time being. But another crisis is always around the corner.He'll even let me go through his phone or messenger if I feel the need to.