Partner joked about my mental health, thinks I’m going to shoot him?

My bf (28 male) made a joke last night about my (28 female) anxiety issues. Is this something you would joke about with your partner?

 

I recently in the past three months have started anxiety medication for my anxiety and have been seeing a counselor. It’s been helping a lot and I feel like it was a good decision for me. My partner was apprehensive about me being on medication (such a stigma) but overall supportive.

 

My partner carries a gun and sleeps with guns in his bedside table and one in mine. This doesn’t really bother me. Last night as he was putting his gun in the bedside table he asked me if him carrying his gun scares me and I told him it didn’t. I said “it’s not like you are going to shoot me or anything” and he responded with” true, if anyone is going to kill anyone you would kill me.”

I asked him what he meant by that as I legitimately am a very non violent person and also don’t even know how to use a gun. He said “ well you take those crazy meds and sometimes people who take them go crazy and kill people”.

 

I was stunned.

 

I told him that’s not true i would never hurt anyone and he said “well still, you are more likely to kill me.”

 

For some reason hearing him say this doesn’t really shock me that much as the other night I couldn’t fall asleep and I was digging in my bedside table for my melatonin and he asked me in a slightly alarmed voice “what i was doing” it struck me as weird he would wonder what I was doing so I told him looking for my melatonin and I didn’t wanna turn the light on since he was sleeping. I got the feeling he was concerned about the gun.

 

So I asked him after he made that comment “the other night when I was rummaging I’m the drawer were you concerned about me shooting you or something?” And he said “well yeah” and then laughed about it. I told him that wasn’t nice to say and he said he was just joking. This doesn’t feel like a joke.

 

I am in shock. I just take basic low dosage anxiety meds. I have never been violent with this man. We live together. I’m hurt by his comments. He must think I’m some crazy person.

 

Would you be upset if your partner said this to you?

My azz would be out the door if my partner said that to me . I would say I don’t care for your stigmatizing me ,goodbye . And I would be gone.

 

Although I’m not seeing the point of guns everywhere unless you live at the OK corral .

Best is to not to sleep with guns or sleep in the other room tell him to lock his door if he's really that concern, but you better off moving out. Joke is always half truth, he's clearly paranoid because he's got misconceptions about anxiety meds. It'll go worst, better live in separate place.

Is this the same guy from your thread 6 months ago? If so, it sounds like your bf enjoys being a bit of a jerk and using inappropriate humor, etc. (You were saying, for example, that he makes racist jokes but isn’t a racist).

 

Not to be rude - but are you really surprised that he is now directing that style of offensive humor to you? He sounds like he’s kind of an offensive guy.

 

That’s not to excuse his behavior but it’s maybe interesting that you are ok with it when he directs it at others but not at you?

 

For what it’s worth, I would much rather sleep next to you than your bf with the guns! I too fail to see why anyone needs a handgun. But... to each their own, I guess.

Sadly, many a true word is spoken in jest and this is what he thinks. However you have major differences as far as social conventions go. Also why aren't his guns locked and why do you keep one in in your nightstand? Insults dressed up as jokes and brandishing guns are also signs of mental abuse, how long have you let this go on?

Your boyfriend's joking, but he's probably referring to how school shooters and other mass murderers have been on anti-anxiety meds. And one of the warnings of any of any anti-anxiety med is suicidal thoughts. Even tranquilizers like Ambien create a semi-hypnotic state where people do all sorts of strange things, including sleepwalking and even driving.

 

So I don't think he's calling you crazy. He just has a twisted sense of humor. Just make a joke back. Don't take it so seriously. Joking about it is a way to deal with the situation.

Not at all excusing his jokes or really his overall attitude toward your mental health and medication, but I can sympathize with his point of view. He was crass, but as a very, very half-hearted defense, I can understand struggling to figure out how best to tell your partner, "I think you might shoot me." I think the diagnosed and ongoing anxiety on its own would be a rough spot for me (as far as living with it, not necessarily your right to own a gun), and I'd be pretty nervous with new medication being introduced. I don't think his concern is all that irrational. Owning firearms myself, I'm honestly not sure how I'd handle that situation. Really, for your own personal safety, I might consider at the very least not keeping a loaded weapon within arms reach while you're in bed and while adjusting to the new medication. Is this something you've asked your counselor and psychiatrist about?

 

Basically, I see it as two issues. First being his lack of support, even adversity toward your mental healthcare, both in his opinions and, more crudely, in his candor. I would seriously reconsider whether this man is a complementing presence in your life. The second being an understandable apprehension and safety concern, and one I think you're going to find a lot of guys would have, regardless of whether they're a jack ass about it like this guy has been. Still, it'd be his or any guy's job to remove himself from the situation if he so felt he wasn't secure, and not to be taking jabs at you for it.

So to clarify I don’t own guns or know how to use them. This is his gun and he likes one in each night stand table. I’m not sure why but he thinks it’s important in case of an intruder. It’s his idea to put the gun there and he has been doing it since we started dating. He conceal and carries as well. It doesn’t bother me really and he has tried to get me to go with him to go shooting and I have zero interest.

I'd be so far from this guy!

 

He sounds paranoid and he's packing. Scary as hell.

Is this the same guy from your thread 6 months ago? If so, it sounds like your bf enjoys being a bit of a jerk and using inappropriate humor, etc. (You were saying, for example, that he makes racist jokes but isn’t a racist).

 

Not to be rude - but are you really surprised that he is now directing that style of offensive humor to you? He sounds like he’s kind of an offensive guy.

 

That’s not to excuse his behavior but it’s maybe interesting that you are ok with it when he directs it at others but not at you?

 

For what it’s worth, I would much rather sleep next to you than your bf with the guns! I too fail to see why anyone needs a handgun. But... to each their own, I guess.

 

See I wasn’t okay with him making offensive jokes at others which is why I posted asking for advice. It bothered me. And now that his jokes are aimed toward me it’s still bothering me.

 

I’m leaning toward needing to end this now because just simply asking him not to make these comments isn’t working and as you correctly identified he is now directing these comments toward me. And saying I’m just too sensitive when I object.

I'd be so far from this guy!

 

He sounds paranoid and he's packing. Scary as hell.

 

Yup......

...

So to clarify I don’t own guns or know how to use them. This is his gun and he likes one in each night stand table. I’m not sure why but he thinks it’s important in case of an intruder. It’s his idea to put the gun there and he has been doing it since we started dating. He conceal and carries as well. It doesn’t bother me really and he has tried to get me to go with him to go shooting and I have zero interest.

Well, while being pretty liberal on most things, I'll admit this is an area I'm a lot less popular among friends when discussing it, so I won't necessarily disagree with his motivations to own a weapon (admittedly, mine are much moreso out of what I'd consider to be a healthy agnosticism when it comes to how the next 50 or however many years will unfold rather than for immediate self-defense). Not to start a debate, but just to disclaim that my angle doesn't come from any sort of policy perspective.

 

I'd seriously talk to your psychiatrist and counselor about what they think of you sleeping with a loaded weapon in arms reach. That you don't know how to use one I think hurts the case for having one next to you more than helps it. Do you live with this guy? If you've at all got a choice, I would stop staying there.

So him wanting to own guns doesn’t really bother me. I am not worried about him hurting me. I don’t feel in danger. I guess I could simply ask he not keep guns on my side. My main concern is thinking he feels in danger simply because I take a low dose anxiety medication and him joking about me possibly hurting him. It’s disrespectful and honestly hurtful he would think I could do such a thing.

 

Well, while being pretty liberal on most things, I'll admit this is an area I'm a lot less popular among friends when discussing it, so I won't necessarily disagree with his motivations to own a weapon (admittedly, mine are much moreso out of what I'd consider to be a healthy agnosticism when it comes to how the next 50 or however many years will unfold rather than for immediate self-defense). Not to start a debate, but just to disclaim that my angle doesn't come from any sort of policy perspective.

 

I'd seriously talk to your psychiatrist and counselor about what they think of you sleeping with a loaded weapon in arms reach. That you don't know how to use one I think hurts the case for having one next to you more than helps it. Do you live with this guy? If you've at all got a choice, I would stop staying there.

I think it’s a concern for ANYBODY who sleeps next to a loaded weapon not just someone who takes antianxiety meds . I would be far more worried about someone thinking it’s great to leave weapons lying around and having racist and stigmatizing ideas than I am of someone with anxiety.

So him wanting to own guns doesn’t really bother me. I am not worried about him hurting me. I don’t feel in danger. I guess I could simply ask he not keep guns on my side. My main concern is thinking he feels in danger simply because I take a low dose anxiety medication and him joking about me possibly hurting him. It’s disrespectful and honestly hurtful he would think I could do such a thing.

I'm not saying you're afraid of him. I'm saying that, without having a serious conversation with your psychiatrist and counselor, I don't think even you are in a position to say whether his fears are unfounded.

 

As you can see from this thread alone, there are strong opinions about firearms in a general sense, which I won't be arguing about. Specific to you, as someone who's diagnosed with mental health issues and who requires medication for them, you indeed have a responsibility to address the relationship between your condition, medication, and any increased risks that may come with any (assuming any) diminished capacity. They may be his weapons, but you're making a conscious decision to sleep next to them.

I think it’s a concern for ANYBODY who sleeps next to a loaded weapon not just someone who takes antianxiety meds . I would be far more worried about someone thinking it’s great to leave weapons lying around and having racist and stigmatizing ideas than I am of someone with anxiety.

 

Yeah me too.

 

Not even touching on positions on owning firearms in general, it seems so so dangerous to me to be around and sleeping with someone who has guns in the sidetables and is making 'jokes' about fearing for his safety around me. So what, one night he's startled by you coming back from the washroom and next thing you know there's a gun pointed at you or worse?

 

Bad scene all around!

Is it his house? How can he have it both ways? Claim you're "too crazy" to be around guns, yet insist a loaded one is a few inches from your head every night. Does he usually create these lose-lose situations for you? It sounds like he thinks he's rather superior to you and lets you know it in these backhanded ways.

This is his gun and he likes one in each night stand table.

Your boyfriend is an ignorant, insensitive azz. I would have left. He told you what he thinks about you.

 

I'm certain that this is not the first time.

Is it his house? How can he have it both ways? Claim you're "too crazy" to be around guns, yet insist a loaded one is a few inches from your head every night. Does he usually create these lose-lose situations for you? It sounds like he thinks he's rather superior to you and lets you know it in these backhanded ways.

 

 

This is his house. When I bring this up again this evening I will point out that he chooses to put the gun there and he needs to move it if he really is concerned. If he truly was just joking I will still request he NOT joke about my mental health in the future or me being crazy because I take meds. He doesn’t create lose lose situations normally and while he said this comment he was making the bed for me and then carries on as if what he said wasn’t offensive. It’s all mind boggling.

Personally, I wouldn't date someone who stigmatises mental health in that way.

 

And if you take into account that vast majority of violence and shootings are perpetrated by men, I'd say he's more likely to shoot you than you are with him.

 

Maybe it's because I live in Australia but I can't even fathom sleeping next to a gun.

and is making 'jokes' about fearing for his safety around me

This is something that should concern you, OP. And I don't mean that as in you should confront him about it, but in that this guy, by the sound of it, considers you a potential threat. Not saying he full-on thinks you're planning to off him tomorrow, but I think it's obvious there's truth to the worries he masked in crude jest. His attitude toward mental health and even you specifically is well established at this point. That won't change, so you need to react accordingly. Continuing to routinely dig your hands into a nightstand to get something of yours when there's a weapon in it and your guy has as much told you he's afraid you might shoot him is stopping just short of Darwin Award territory. Even if he were 100% joking, that's a joke you take at face value regardless.

 

I'll leave it to whoever wants to do so to speak to the broader sense of the relationship, but as it stands, there are about 1,001 reasons simply relating to your immediate safety to, at the very, very least, stop staying there, and I hope you start taking this seriously beyond the offense you took to his comments.

That's the beauty of it...for him. He gets to imply his superiority, demean you, have you talk and talk about how it offensive you find it and then gets to to gaslight you, making you feel even "crazier" because "you can't take a joke". Don't stay there. Move out now that this tidbit about how he really looks down on you "slipped out". Why are you even validating his remark by insisting he move the gun and defending yourself or your mental health? Wow you've been brainwashed so long he's got you doing this?

This is his house. When I bring this up again this evening I will point out that he chooses to put the gun there and he needs to move it if he really is concerned.

So you are rummaging in the dark in a drawer where there is a loaded gun... I mean all else aside, just common sense should tell you that this could easily end in a very bad accident. For that reason alone, that gun shouldn't be in that drawer.....

And if he thinks you’re a potential threat you’re in greater danger than he is .

I wouldn't trust this guy as far as I could throw him. Not only is he irresponsible with guns, he's too ignorant to understand mental health issues.

 

I'd run for the hills...