Hurting and confused

My husband had me turn down a position with his friend. He said the gossip wouldn't be worth it. I've been a stay at home mom for about ten years. I also take care of my sick mother. Now that my kids are older I want out of the house. I don't have any friends anymore and am feeling lonely. My husband leaves me at home when he makes plans with his friends. He makes excuses on my behalf even to my own family. My brother in law is his best friend. I feel he is ashamed of me and leads a separate life from me. I don't know how to fix this.

What on earth does he mean - the gossip wouldn't be worth it. What gossip would that cause exactly? Why do you need his permission to take on a job? Just keep searching for one. You won't be the first or last stay at home mom looking for work after many years of being out of the workforce. Try some temp agencies as well to get your feel wet.

I don't understand why you don't have your own friends. Or why you don't go out and do things to meet people. Or why you haven't found your own job. Sounds like you need to be more independent and stop relying on him to be your lifeline to the outside world.

Is it possible to go and see this friend and explain that you really want the position?

Muster up the strength and confidence and get a job. Any job at first. You are a person too. Not just an accessory to him.

There is a lot going on here. One issue is that you're lonely and don't have your own life outside of your mother, kids, and husband. Then there is this part about how you want to start working again and that is a challenge. Then there is this part about how your husband is ashamed of you, or you think he is. Then there is this part about how you think he leads a separate life from you. Can you explain more about why you think he is ashamed of you or leads a separate life? I mean, apart from what you have said.

Someone who does things without his or her spouse, that alone doesn't mean they are leading a separate life.

I say we have separate lives because I thought he supported my goals and I was just in wait mode while dealing with my sick mother and young children. I lost friends because we live in a rural area where most of our friends live for outdoor activities I could no longer participate in. I stayed home with the kids so he could still go. I have lupus and have to be careful now. What I recently realized was I was waiting to join back in for so long instead of finding new friends that wanted to do things I could do. I also realized he would rather leave me at home then find something we could both do even occasionally. I let this happen because I felt guilty for the kids and Mom stresses and having lupus. I guess now that I want to change the status quo I was disappointed that he does not.