Am I overreacting?

In my previous relationships I have always regretted ignoring "the signs" so I m wondering if I should address my concerns now or maybe I m overreacting.

Ok, so here it is:

We have been dating for 3 weeks. So far so good. We see each other quite often 4-5 times a week and we are in constant contact via texts and phone calls. I met his friends and they are lovely and speak very highly of him. He comes across caring and sweet....well until today. Since morning I wasn't feeling too well and I communicated how I feel via text but he was more interested in organising our weekend away than acknowledging it. As the day progressed I started feeling really rough and told him I might need to go see my doctor after work. In response I got links to hotels he is considering booking for us. In the afternoon he messaged me asking if we are meeting up, to which I responded that I m actually going to A&E now. He texted me back: "ok no worries, I will watch a movie or something". I have now been in the hospital 4h and it looks like they will keep me here whole night. He hasn't checked on me once. Not even a text. Am I being needy or this is not right? I actually thought he will come to the hospital with me, its less than 15mins drive from his house. Is this too early for this sort of expectations?

First off, I am sorry to hear you were ill; I hope you're feeling better.

That said, I think three weeks dating is WAY too soon for you to be unloading your physical ailments on him and expecting him to act like a long term boyfriend; however at the very least he could have acknowledged you weren't feeling well, instead of completely dismissing it as if it weren't even happening.

But again, may be a bit too heavy for him at this very early stage and he may not know how to respond or handle it.

Speaking personally, I wouldn't be burdening a guy I was only dating three weeks with all that. I might tell him I'm not feeling well and that's it. Again, just too soon, in my opinion.

But your entire RL (or interaction or whatever it is at this point), seems to be happening at lightening speed, and you may want to consider lowering expectations.

Good luck and I hope you're better and it was nothing serious!

First I really hope it's nothing serious and that you are feeling better soon.

Other than that....long term or short term dating, when someone tells you they are on their way to the hospital, it's not normal to just ignore that. Not only that but he seemed almost miffed that you aren't available to him. So yeah, definitely a red flag. Since you've barely met three weeks ago, I would not expect him to act like your long term bf and rush to visit you in the hospital. However, I would expect him to acknowledge that you are sick and express at least some concern for your well being - that's just basic human decency. Even a random stranger would say "sorry to hear that, hope you are feeling better soon."

Also, agree with Katrina that you've barely known each other 3 weeks and are already spending a ridiculous amount of time together. You've literally skipped dating and jumped straight into a long term relationship...or acting like it....except it's not what it is and you two really don't actually know each other and aren't that close in reality. You are just barely getting to know each other so I do think that you need to keep your eyes open for red flags, like the current one, and curb your expectations of him down a bit. Also, slow down....a lot and remember that you have a life and friends outside of him that you shouldn't be neglecting just because you are with him virtually every single day. What burns so hot early on rarely leads to anything good.

He's an avoider....avoids upset feelings, avoids sadness and sickness. It's very awkward for him to handle. Red flag? Ya I think so. I wouldn't expect him to come running to be by your side, but some concern, most any normal person...even a stranger would acknowledge that.

OR Maybe he thinks you are bs-ing him to avoid going out with him again. He could be pushing for the acknowledgement of this weekends date, to make sure this isn't what's going on.

In my previous relationships I have always regretted ignoring "the signs" so I m wondering if I should address my concerns now or maybe I m overreacting.

Ok, so here it is:

We have been dating for 3 weeks. So far so good. We see each other quite often 4-5 times a week and we are in constant contact via texts and phone calls. I met his friends and they are lovely and speak very highly of him. He comes across caring and sweet....well until today.

 

Since morning I wasn't feeling too well and I communicated how I feel via text but he was more interested in organising our weekend away than acknowledging it.

Bolded, not saying how I do things is the be-all-end-all, but had this been me, after he didn't acknowledge my first text (that I wasn't feeling well), I would not have continued texting him about it, and just focused on taking care of myself and getting better.

Called a friend to take me to the hospital.

Yes him completely dismissing it IS a red flag.

I don’t care how early it is, he should have driven to the hospital when he could to check up on you.

You should not be planning a weekend away with someone that can’t show basic concern and care for you.

I would wait and see if there is some reason he didn't understand all or part of what you typed. Otherwise it is bizarre. I once had someone help me with my newborn for 5 days (a doula we hired). I then had to cancel on her for the following day because I was on the way to the ER which I told her. It was serious but when I called I wasn't sure what was going on. She never called me to check up on me and find out what happened and we had no further reason to talk as we'd paid her for her time. And that is why I would never recommend her highly to any other family, because of that basic lack of concern. On the other hand I've had strangers show genuine concern for my well-being or that of my child and offer help. It's just basic -almost reflexive. Certainly if you'd just said you had the sniffles then a short "oh! sorry, hope you feel better" would have been fine but obviously this was serious.

I will add that this is a downside of constant texting with a new person -when I dated i never texted (no cell phone) - and we instant messaged at times, emailed and talked by phone once or twice a week but this pseudo insta-relationship created mostly by typing gives a false sense of intimacy -for example, if you hadn't been texting would you have called him on the phone to tell him how you were feeling? Or if he called you briefly to check on your plans would you have told him? I think getting to know each other in person or perhaps one or two longer phone calls a week is the better way -that way you're not tempted to overshare with someone you don't know very well and not let both of you get to know each other over a period of time and kind of peel away the layers - that makes it more interesting/intriguing/exciting too which isn't a bad thing in the beginning.

I hope you feel much better very very soon and get to the bottom of this!

 

I think getting to know each other in person or perhaps one or two longer phone calls a week is the better way -that way you're not tempted to overshare with someone you don't know very well and not let both of you get to know each other over a period of time and kind of peel away the layers - that makes it more interesting/intriguing/exciting too which isn't a bad thing in the beginning.

Notwithstanding the part about phone calls (frankly I prefer text or email), I totally agree with you about not over-sharing and instead getting to know each other over a period of time and slowly peeling away the layers.

Yes that does make it more interesting/intriguing/exciting, not to mention as DF alluded to (I think it was DF) when things start off with a bang (and 4-5 dates a week, introducing to friends and family within the first three weeks is starting off with a bang), things tend to burn/fizzle out just as fast.

It also creates a sort of "false intimacy" and increases expectations, which I think is part of what happened here.

I think he's as minimally invested in your personal health as anyone who's known someone for 3 weeks would be. You're fine enough to fret over a near stranger's lack of involvement so I don't know what all you're expecting.

I think this is the point at which you need to remind yourself that you still barley know him.

For him to avoid any reference to your hospital visit whatsoever is plain odd, and a sign to me that he's still viewing this much more casually and doesn't wish to engage when he thinks your emotions might be running high. I would also think it's strange that didn't bother to even ask how you are. Expecting him to come to the hospital with you is too much after just 3 weeks, in my opinion, but his complete lack of acknowledgement is telling. I would not come down on him for that, but I would see if he at least asks how you are or what happened after you return home. That would be basic courtesy.

For what it's worth, I think you two need to pump the breaks on this a bit. Spending that much time together so soon is a lot. It leads to a false sense of attachment when in reality, you're still virtually strangers.

Notwithstanding the part about phone calls (frankly I prefer text or email), I totally agree with you about not over-sharing and instead getting to know each other over a period of time and slowly peeling away the layers.

 

Yes that does make it more interesting/intriguing/exciting, not to mention as DF alluded to (I think it was DF) when things start off with a bang (and 4-5 dates a week, introducing to friends and family within the first three weeks is starting off with a bang), things tend to burn/fizzle out just as fast.

 

It also creates a sort of "false intimacy" and increases expectations, which I think is part of what happened here.

It's not the phone that's the problem as much as that texting back and forth constantly or regularly over the course of a day as opposed to one substantive conversation, whether typed or talked, at a time when both of you can attend is much better -it reduces the temptation to share all the minutae and "here's what I'm eating now/here's what my new kitten is doing now/ check out my new insta-pot and how great the rice looks/here is where my BFF's dog is playing now" etc. There's far too much temptation to use text as a way of doing chit chat with a stranger, or even deep stuff but in bits and pieces while you're doing other things/distracted - and that kind of non-stop regular contact with a stranger creates a false sense of intimacy/attachment. I've had to get more used to texting with new friends who, like me, might have their kids around so we can't talk freely and it can be a great way to share. Just not in her situation.

It's not the phone that's the problem as much as that texting back and forth constantly or regularly over the course of a day as opposed to one substantive conversation, whether typed or talked, at a time when both of you can attend is much better -it reduces the temptation to share all the minutae and "here's what I'm eating now/here's what my new kitten is doing now/ check out my new insta-pot and how great the rice looks/here is where my BFF's dog is playing now" etc.

Batya, speaking only for myself (and realize I'm sounding a bit snobbish here), I have never in my life had a text convo or any type of convo (phone, in person, etc) that consisted of such meaningless drivel, lol. So there is no temptation at least from my end.

And jmo but if one is inclined to engage in such nonsense (and realize there are many who do), it wouldn't matter if they did it by phone, text, email, social media, or however.

The type of written communique I have with people (email mostly, texting is more for making plans and the like) is much more substantive, while at times also being playful, flirty and fun!

Just like in person.

But I get what you're saying, and as I said I agree. I'm just not a "phone" person that's all, I express myself better in writing (as do many others), and I think that's OKAY.

Batya, speaking only for myself (and realize I'm sounding a bit snobbish here), I have never in my life had a text convo or any type of convo (phone, in person, etc) that consisted of such meaningless drivel, lol. So there is no temptation at least from my end.

 

And jmo but if one is inclined to engage in such nonsense (and realize there are many who do), it wouldn't matter if they did it by phone, text, email, social media, or however.

 

The type of written communique I have with people (email mostly, texting is more for making plans and the like) is much more substantive, while at times also being playful, flirty and fun!

 

Just like in person.

 

But I get what you're saying, and as I said I agree. I'm just not a "phone" person that's all, I express myself better in writing (as do many others), and I think that's OKAY.

I was exaggerating to show that often texting regularly becomes more of a real time conversation about details about what's going on in your life right then. I don't think it's the best idea to get into that level of detail on a regular basis in the very beginning of a dating relationship - there are some upsides but too many downsides.

I think it's fine to express yourself better in writing. And for me, for a healthy relationship for me (emphasis on "for me") I think it's crucial to be able to communicate verbally, especially in person, and effectively. There have been a number of times I've been tempted to e-mail or text my husband instead of talk about something uncomfortable and I restrained myself and forced myself to communicate verbally -especially if the temptation was to hide behind a screen. Sometimes it's also great to write it out and read it out loud to the person. Again this is just me -please do not think I am referring to your communication and what works for you.

The real downside in what she is choosing to do by texting regularly is keep in touch and be available as a chat buddy or to talk all the time or most of the time through text - which is not a great approach to getting to know someone for a romantic relationship. And her illness (and I hope you are much better OP!!) is a perfect example of that. If she hadn't been texting regularly she probably wouldn't have even mentioned her illness (i.e. she wouldn't have called him just to tell him that) and she wouldn't have had the expectations that he react in a certain way. More likely, the next time they spoke she might have mentioned it as a past situation, or she might have had to tell him if it affected their plans.

And I believe it's generally true that verbal communication is far more effective because of the absence of tone/body language/energy/ and the distractions of every day life which makes it much easier to communicate through typing but not realistic if the person wants an in person relationship where you two will have to learn in-person verbal communication skills. Once you do know the person well then it becomes more similar because you know each other so well and the absence of tone and body language is less important. Totally fine to disagree!

 

I think it's fine to express yourself better in writing. And for me, for a healthy relationship for me (emphasis on "for me") I think it's crucial to be able to communicate verbally, especially in person, and effectively.

Batya, I agree with you^ but just to clarify, I'm big on communicating in person too, for the reasons you mentioned in your post. In person is actually my preferred method of communicating!

I'm just not a phone person, apologies if that wasn't clear in my post.

If given the choice between convos on phone versus email, I'd rather email. I know you're not judging me for it , just wanted to clarify.

Texting is to make plans or to convey I will be late (or he will be late) stuff like that.

With respect to the OP, I don't have enough info about their relationship to say whether or not they are simply "chat buddies," my sense from her posts is that it's much more than that and that it's all happening very fast, which sets up a false intimacy and unrealistic expectations, imo.

Hence why she messaged him she was sick, continued to message him and why she's hurt/disappointed that he didn't respond the way she had hoped (and expected).

Anyway, agree with you -- it's totally OK that we disagree on some things, we all have our own styles; I respect yours and am happy that you respect mine!

Batya, I agree with you^ but just to clarify, I'm big on communicating in person too, for the reasons you mentioned in your post. In person is actually my preferred method of communicating!

 

I'm just not a phone person, apologies if that wasn't clear in my post.

 

If given the choice between convos on phone versus email, I'd rather email. I know you're not judging me for it , just wanted to clarify.

 

Texting is to make plans or to convey I will be late (or he will be late) stuff like that.

 

With respect to the OP, I don't have enough info about their relationship to say whether or not they are simply "chat buddies," my sense from her posts is that it's much more than that and that it's all happening very fast, which sets up a false intimacy and unrealistic expectations, imo.

 

Hence why she messaged him she was sick, continued to message him and why she's hurt/disappointed that he didn't respond the way she had hoped (and expected).

 

Anyway, agree with you -- it's totally OK that we disagree on some things, we all have our own styles; I respect yours and am happy that you respect mine!

I get it -now even more so, thank you!

I don't think they are just chat buddies. I think she is going down that path or generally so and that is not a good approach if she wants to get to know him for purposes of something potentially long term