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How many sexual partners does it take until you feel uncomfortable?


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My question is more or less what it says in the title!

 

I know I'll get the usual numbers thing shouldn't be a problem and the past is the past, but as humans I believe we all (or most of us) have a particular number that would be outside of our comfort zone.

 

For example, my partner is 23 and tells me she's had 18 sexual partners before me, some more also that didn't involve intercourse but the one's that did, 18. I'm indifferent as to how I feel about this, on one hand I think given my age (I'm 5 years older) that perhaps it's average but then for 23, is it a lot?

 

With that said, is the number determined by the age and what is deemed acceptable? Vice versa, a person's number can be determined by the amount of relationships one's had for example, a relationship will accumulate a lesser amount of partners since they would have been committed but then being single will most likely increase that number, so is it quality over quantity in that respect? For example, having a consistent relationship with a single person for say, 10 years can mean they've had more sex than someone who's been single for 10 years but with different partners.

 

Anyway, I would be curious to hear the thoughts of others.

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Maybe this is a function of my age (I’m 40) - but I don’t even ask anymore.

 

I ask if they are clean.

I do ask about their romantic history and whether they went through a ‘party’ phase or whatever but more just to know the person better and what experiences led them to me.

I ask what they are currently looking for in a relationship.

 

... but really, once you are past, like, the first 5 partners or something - does it really matter? There are so many areas of compatibility and aspects of people’s character, the direction their life is going, etc that can mess up a relationship that... i’m not really sure what we’re judging based on a number?

 

I’ll tell if someone asks the question of me... but I don’t think it’s overly relevant, personally. Whatever experiences they had made them the person they are today and the person that I’m attracted to so... yay.

 

PS: I’ll say it just so you don’t think my viewpoint is skewed by a large number or something... lol... my number is less than your girlfriend’s.

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Whatever experiences they had made them the person they are today and the person that I’m attracted to so... yay.

 

 

That's a valid point and one I tell myself always, because we have amazing sex together and that's obtained by experience of course, whereas I've had sex with people who have literally not a clue what they're doing in the past.

 

It's a weird male/female thing, I know generally speaking of course women are less bothered about the physical elements of a relationship, more emotionally for example, the memories and involvement people have had in their lives before we met them. On the counter side to that, men put a lot emphasis on sexual partners like it holds a lot of significance, again generally speaking.

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I actually find comfort in a new partner having been with more individuals. It reduces the chance that they are going to turn around and suddenly decide they aren't done sowing their wild oats. Plus, if they are experienced with sex and relationships, they probably know what they want and will know if I fit the bill or not.

 

But seriously, it doesn't matter to me at all. Who someone has chosen to be with before me is unimportant. As long as their free of STDs and all of their sex was consensual, it's none of my business what their past entails.

 

I find that people who worry a lot about the number of people their partner has slept with tend to be male and tend to have some old school ideas about how many people a woman can sleep with before they label them a "sl*t". Either that, or they have control issues and want to be the one the person has loved the most (or some other strange validation thought process). Both lines of thinking are silly, in my opinion.

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sorry, 18 partners by 23 is a very promiscuous person and doesn't match my relationship style. i would never date a man who has had experiences like that. my relationship style is that sex comes with love and commitment. It is not a handshake nor is something you do with strangers for recreation. Do not feel guilty for not wanting to be with someone who doesn't view sex the same way as you do. If it has deep meaning for you - don't settle for the person who is just out for handshakes.

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We'll I'm female and I'm turned off by promiscuity. Even if someone is responsible and takes precautions to practice safe sex, it just turns me off. I have never asked numbers, I'm more interested in general attitudes about sex and if we are compatible. I don't feel like I have to give a long list of reasons for preferring what I do in a partner. Everyone deserves to be with someone they are thrilled about.

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we have amazing sex together and that's obtained by experience of course

 

If by "experience," you mean, "many different partners," that's definitely not true. You can have sex one time with 18 people, not learn a single thing, and be awful. Or you can simply be naturally good at knowing what is going to work for someone.

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Who is counting? ?????

 

There is still a stigma for women who sleep around. I am not one of the men who creates this stigma. I don't mind if a woman has slept with the whole male (or female for that matter :p)population of the town. In fact, I prefer women who have had enough sexual partners because they don't have this notion of sex being something special etc. But again I am not compatible with prudes anyways. As long as she is STDs free of course.

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For me it depends on the practice. If they were largely single for a while and slept with a handful of people every year, that seems reasonable. A new person every weekend? I would be concerned about their emotional capacity to commit to one person. But if they’re clean, that’s all that matters really.

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Who is counting? ?????

 

There is still a stigma for women who sleep around.

.

 

Bingo!

 

We can beat around the bush OPer but this isn't even the first time you've posted about this subject:

 

So I've taken a few points from watching the video and reading the article, and it could well be a form of OCD. This quote is where I feel I stand on the issue:

 

Some people are troubled by the fact that their partner went through a “promiscuous phase” involving multiple lovers.

 

Like I mentioned, I don't feel in the slightest jealous or insecure about her previous relationship but what pains me inside is the thought of thinking she gave herself up too easy. I'm not in any way suggesting women shouldn't be allowed to have sex or have a phase at some point in their lives, 7/8 or sexual partners isn't even that much in comparison to what it could be but this is just the way my mind thinks. I want to eventually get to a point where I can openly talk to her about her sexual past and not get butt-hurt as a result.

 

I feel when we talk on the issue, I feel myself as mentioned in the video digging through for information to find ease but whatever she says, it's never enough. Even searching old Facebook status', conversations and becoming a Facebook stalker, I don't know what clarity I'm going to get but I suppose I just want the full picture.

 

Not sure if it's the same woman, I'm assuming it isn't, which would indicate this is about you not them.

 

 

I think in your message you've touched on a word that I think triggers my issues in "purity". I totally agree, it shouldn't make anyone feel like lesser or a person, or less valuable/significant. Ironically, if I left this relationship I then couldn't offer someone else the same level of purity I'm looking for myself. I'm more intrigued to know why and where it comes from, why do I or people suffer with this mentality? Is it a gender thing, do men and women prioritize different things but then as you say, you've experienced these issues yourself. As a question, you say caught.. are you overcome this problem or is it still something you keep having to downplay to this day?

 

Seems you already reached that conclusion so why ask again? May be more beneficial to you to explore that than a woman's sexual history.

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I think the issue is the stigma younger guys have on wanting our partners to be as virginal as possible. After a certain age we do just kinda get over it.

 

But its just numbers. 18 is not exceptionally high. Let's look at numbers.

 

She's had 18. Perhaps there were like 2 guys she experimented with at school before she was 18. Then for the 5 years since, she may have had a drunken one night stand, hook up or fling 3 times each year?

 

It's possible she just keeps making bad decisions, but I think she likes it or feels empowered by it or something.

 

If one of your male friends told you he got laid only 3 times a year, wouldn't you be saying: 'only 3?'

 

If you can't get this out of your head then you'll just have to let her go and stop asking that kind of question.

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I think the issue is the stigma younger guys have on wanting our partners to be as virginal as possible. After a certain age we do just kinda get over it.

 

But its just numbers. 18 is not exceptionally high. Let's look at numbers.

 

She's had 18. Perhaps there were like 2 guys she experimented with at school before she was 18. Then for the 5 years since, she may have had a drunken one night stand, hook up or fling 3 times each year?

 

It's possible she just keeps making bad decisions, but I think she likes it or feels empowered by it or something.

 

If one of your male friends told you he got laid only 3 times a year, wouldn't you be saying: 'only 3?'

 

If you can't get this out of your head then you'll just have to let her go and stop asking that kind of question.

 

 

3-5 different guys a year is pretty...

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This is why I drew up this post, because I'm interested in seeing the various different opinions as to what people constitute as acceptable. It seems as there's some very divided opinions for sure.

 

My number I believe is around 16 and I'm 28. I certainly went through a promiscuous phase for sure so I don't want to be a hypocrite here. With that said, my partner told me her first sexual experience involving intercourse was when she was 13 with an ex boyfriend. I don't know how much sex she had in her earlier years with different people, but if you divide 18 by 23, maybe 22 because she had only met me since being 23 it averages out as about 1.2 partners a year which seems quite low in that respect, but given that she's young others might feel differently about my situation.

 

Does it seem like as someone mentioned sex being given out like it's a handshake? I don't know exactly, but I don't know if people's opinions are shaped by other factors in their own lives, such as religion or the type of upbringing they had. Whereas others only care about STD's.

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3-5 different guys a year is pretty...

 

We are in a world of empowered women, FWB hook-ups and the like. Mix that with binge drinking in your late teens early 20s and 3 a year is nothing.

 

I've known girls in that age range that have made a game of it. Go to a club, get drunk, pick up a guy for the night, get laid. And that is every single week. BAM, 18 guys in the same number of weeks.

 

Not something I was ever part of, but years later, when these women hit their 30s they did not look back at that time with fondness.

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If by "experience," you mean, "many different partners," that's definitely not true. You can have sex one time with 18 people, not learn a single thing, and be awful. Or you can simply be naturally good at knowing what is going to work for someone.

 

Not necessarily with different partners, I mean it's clear when we're intimate that it's not new to her and she is experienced, where it's come from is another question but I completely agree with your statement. Some people might have various partners and learn a lot, others nothing.

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13 is a young age to begin being sexually active. Many girls are just beginning menstration at that time, it's early puberty.

Circumstances contributing to her having sex so young, and many sexual experiences while still a girl may very well be part of what shapes her sexuality and choices now.

 

It's not about being judgemental, rather being with someone who matches you in values and compatibility.

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It's not about being judgemental, rather being with someone who matches you in values and compatibility.

 

That's more or less exactly my point or how I feel moving forward, we're really compatible in so many ways and arguably if she had less of those experiences, maybe she wouldn't be the person she is today even if I am somewhat unsure at times. Although on the other hand, people are very dismissive instantly of someone who's had more than 10 partners for example in some cases, I was just wanting to find out the perception of others.

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If you're in your early 20s, if think 10 would be the max I'd be ok with. Late 20s -30 maybe 18 girls?

 

I prefer people that see sex as more than just an activity.

 

Yes, for me it was a matter of values more than number. And I didn't really care to know the number as Jman wrote- same reasons. I wasn't comfortable being with someone who'd had multiple partners because he was that comfortable with casual sex and one night stands. I would still be friendly with that person but likely not date him.

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I always thought I was comfortable in sexual situations. In my 40s, I learned to own it, to let go of whatever shame I learned to carry, and I became even more comfortable.

 

For me, it was about choosing who I want to be, respecting my choice, and being proud of that choice.

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What's more concerning than any number is that they are telling you all this. That much TMI is sign of immaturity such as telling after a game of spin-the-bottle at a teen party. Like bragging about how "grown up" they are. No mature person tells anyone all this, even if asked.

my partner told me her first sexual experience involving intercourse was when she was 13 with an ex boyfriend.
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Yes, for me it was a matter of values more than number. And I didn't really care to know the number as Jman wrote- same reasons. I wasn't comfortable being with someone who'd had multiple partners because he was that comfortable with casual sex and one night stands. I would still be friendly with that person but likely not date him.

 

So do you believe someone has lesser values based on if they haven't had long term relationships and have accumulated more numbers in the process? What about if the amount of sexual activity was very low, but spread out between a lot of people as opposed to being in more long term relationships?

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