End of friendship has been negatively impacting romantic relationship

I met my boyfriend and this guy I will call T spring 2016. He was, until recently, my boyfriend's best friend.

We instantly hit it off. He made me feel really good about myself and we had so many similar interests. He would flatter me. We each had a SO but we acknowledged that our friendship could be close without being romantic. Actually he said several times he could never date me because (insert list of things he didn't like about me here).

No one had a problem with this except his girlfriend at the time. It makes sense. She was mentally unstable (like pretending-to-have-cancer-and-need-a-wheelchair unstable and supposedly emotionally abusive toward T) so I never took her distaste for me seriously. Plus I understood why she didn't like me. She also lived kind of far away, so often it was me, my boyfriend, and T hanging out.

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This is going to sound weird, but when T was around I felt more in love with my boyfriend. Like, we worked really well as a trio. I felt like I got an intellectual connection and romance with my boyfriend but I got my emotional connection from T, or at least fulfilled my desire to nurture. My boyfriend has never needed anything from me. This obviously caused both T and his girlfriend to believe I wanted him.

This is why T blames his girlfriend for him treating me poorly. He said that she convinced him I had bad intentions, was an immoral and selfish person, depended too much on him etc.

And yes that actually sounds like it could be valid, but I don't think it is.

I honestly think T was an to me because it made him feel good about himself. I don't think his ex girlfriend was as powerful, convincing, or malicious as he made her out to be. She was just desperate to keep him around when she knew he did not need her as much as she needed him. In some ways we were in the same boat.

Sure, she would have been able to convince him not to talk to me anymore, but I don't think she could have caused him to be downright emotionally abusive.

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Because the initial part of our friendship was so good and he was so affectionate, I got hooked. I don't know how to explain it but I just needed his approval so badly and I never even understood why because I didn't even really respect him that much. I know that his ex girlfriend felt the same way because there were so many times she came crying to me about how unloved she felt.

He constantly made condescending remarks. The frequency of them really lowered my self esteem. Things like, “you can’t possibly know what it’s like to experience the kind of passionate love I have” like out of nowhere. He implied frequently that I’m not deep or complex like he is because I’m a "thinker" in Myers Briggs and not an "INFJ" like him. He expected me to read his book (which I did), but he never read my writing and implied that he knew it wouldn't be good because I'm not the right personality type to have deep thoughts. It seems small, but the condescension was just constant. Sometimes he'd say something I thought was nice, though, but looking back was just self absorbed.

For example, at one point, he did temporarily cut me out of his life. One of the reasons he took me back were that he remembered how I made him feel good about his poetry. Somehow I thought he was complimenting me when he said that.

He needed me to compliment him constantly and if I didn't then he told me his girlfriend thought I was toxic to him and so he’s thinking about cutting me out of his life.

He used to ask me things like “do you think I have penetrating eyes?” and would get upset if I said they were more soft. I constantly had to make him feel “valued”, attractive, unique, important, etc. so he wouldn't leave me behind but he did the opposite to me. To him, it wasn't his fault he needed so much affirmation because he was a victim of emotional abuse from his girlfriend.

A few months after he broke up with his girlfriend and was still just as insufferable, I told him I didn't want him to rely on me emotionally anymore because I wanted to focus on my own mental health and being around people who cared about me. I have not spoken to him since.

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A month later, he sent me this:

"I just wanted to say I am sorry for everything. I have done a lot of growing recently and a lot of self-reflection. In the past, I was a conceited with a superiority complex. In my journey of finding myself after my abusive relationship, I hit some major extremes and focused all too much on myself. While I was grateful for you being there for me, I didn't treat you as well as I could have. Towards the end of our friendship, I truly did feel I cared about you and was starting to step out of that bubble I locked myself in. But you were gone, and I really couldn't blame you. That Buddhism book has taught me a lot. The ideas have helped me substantially and I thank you for purchasing the book for me. It taught me to take things for what I see them for, to see that just because some stupid test told me I was the rarest type by some arbitrary calculation, it didn't put me above others.

I recognize the neglect and admit to the punishment I inadvertently put you through via my "growth" / turbulence. And I am wholeheartedly sorry. I understand your reasoning for disconnecting and expect nothing from you.

I certainly wish you the best in life."

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I wrote a response but never sent it.

He invited my boyfriend and I to hangout tomorrow and so I've been thinking about him more. Sometimes I just really want to say something because I don't think he truly understood why I cut contact.

Here is what I want to say:

"I did not see your statement as an apology. I am not sure if your word choices were purposefully crafted to avoid taking responsibility, or if they simply reflected your unconscious feelings. I think it’s very possible that in your mind, I just didn’t understand the depths of your emotions which influenced your behaviors and if I did I would still be in your life.

Even if it was a sincere apology, it’s not clear what you were apologizing for. Those parts were very vague. Mostly it just sounded like you wanted to tell me about your journey in self improvement.

I don’t believe that the way you treated me was ever “inadvertent”. I don’t think I was punished by your “turbulence and growth” caused by your relationship. And like I said earlier, the passive language is telling.

You also made it seem as though your behaviors were new when really you treated me poorly since near the beginning. It was never her fault.

I got the impression that you think what you did wrong was focus on yourself too much or something like that. Maybe I wasn’t clear. I was upset because I felt like you were constantly tearing me down and insulting me. I got the impression that my happiness, being content with myself even though I wasn’t like you was threatening to you. You would get defensive and say something you knew would lower my self esteem or make me know you thought less of me in some way. The way you acted toward me was reminiscent of my experiences with emotional abuse.

I read about this thing some unhealthy people do where they “idealize, devalue, and discard” in that order, often in cycles. And I definitely felt idealized at first, at the very beginning. That didn’t last long, though, and a lot of the remainder of our friendship was me feeling devalued by you and having to get on your good side so you wouldn’t discard me, like you always implied you would when I wasn’t feeding your ego. Sometimes I wondered if you did this to other people. I have a feeling a lot of people have let you down or failed to meet your expectations after you idealized them at first.

When you claimed to want me in your life, you usually cited a self centered reason like I made you feel good about your poetry or something. You’d say you valued having me in your life and in the next breath demean me. And that was rough because I kept clinging to the affection you once showed me at the beginning for a brief time, which I got glimpses of here and there.

When I got your message it made me angry. I just really wanted to be wrong.

Obviously in my head I thought our friendship was more important than it actually was to you. That’s my fault. But to some extent I think you knew that and used it. "

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I'm frustrated. I really thought that completely cutting him out of my life would make me feel better. Since I've done that, I have had a lot of trouble with intimacy with my boyfriend and I'm not even sure why.

Part of me wants to finally respond to his apology and see if that helps. Another part of me wants to pretend nothing happened and let him into my life as an acquaintance, keeping emotional distance and just hanging out in a trio. The other part of me thinks I might just undo all of my progress that way.

My boyfriend is okay with whatever I want to do. I have been brutally honest about all of my feelings and let him form his own opinions.

TL;DR End of a toxic friendship has affected my relationship and I don't completely understand why. Should I be doing something different right now, apart from trying to forget about everything?

Wow, well that was a bit confusing and filled with drama.

This is going to sound weird, but when T was around I felt more in love with my boyfriend. Like, we worked really well as a trio. I felt like I got an intellectual connection and romance with my boyfriend but I got my emotional connection from T, or at least fulfilled my desire to nurture.

It sounds like you've never had a fulfilling relationship with your significant other if someone else in your life was fulfilling your emotional needs. It probably increased your dependence on T, which allowed him to abuse you for so long.

I personally don't think his message is worth responding to. As you acknowledged, he isn't taking any true responsibility for his part in your friendship ending, and he will likely have the same set of behaviors as before. People rarely change, and it sounds like T doesn't have the base self-awareness required to change.

Also, I feel like it's worth saying that maybe you should consider ending the relationship with your current partner. You're relationship should be strong enough to stand on it's own without anyone else's involvement. Whether it's suffering because you have unresolved romantic feelings for T or because the two of you simply aren't compatible, you're wasting both you and your boyfriend's time sitting around unhappy. This is not to say that I think you should pursue any sort of relationship with T, though. He clearly has not been a healthy fixture in your life.

Why does he have to apologize for the friendship ending? it was an inappropriate one to begin with.

All this "breaking up as friends" and "taking me back..." He should be your boyfriend's friend. you should not have an individual and intimate friendship with this guy at all.

So you broke up as friends, but you still hang out as a threesome?

Honestly, i would not send the note admonishing him for apologizing to you and picking that all apart.

I think i would go on dates with your boyfriend and stop hanging out as a threesome. Its just not healthy.

You need to let go of this guy. He's manipulative and doesn't respect you at all.

This is not an appropriate friendship, OP, and it sounds like you and T both know it. You fell in love with him, and are still enamored with him. If you're that unfulfilled with your relationship that you need T's presence to lift you up, well, you need to break up with your boyfriend.

Don't send him that letter. You need to learn how to set better boundaries. Start extricating yourself from all of this and give some serious thought as to whether you're actually invested in your relationship anymore. It appears your heart and mind are not.

The guy is a turd. I'd just leave it at that and let BF socialize with him on his own if he wants to.

Why does he have to apologize for the friendship ending? it was an inappropriate one to begin with.

All this "breaking up as friends" and "taking me back..." He should be your boyfriend's friend. you should not have an individual and intimate friendship with this guy at all.

So you broke up as friends, but you still hang out as a threesome?

 

Honestly, i would not send the note admonishing him for apologizing to you and picking that all apart.

I think i would go on dates with your boyfriend and stop hanging out as a threesome. Its just not healthy.

I haven't seen him. I cut contact a while ago, completely. We don't hang out anymore even in a group.

You need to let go of this guy. He's manipulative and doesn't respect you at all.

 

This is not an appropriate friendship, OP, and it sounds like you and T both know it. You fell in love with him, and are still enamored with him. If you're that unfulfilled with your relationship that you need T's presence to lift you up, well, you need to break up with your boyfriend.

 

Don't send him that letter. You need to learn how to set better boundaries. Start extricating yourself from all of this and give some serious thought as to whether you're actually invested in your relationship anymore. It appears your heart and mind are not.

It's weird, because I never felt "in love" with him or anything like that. It was more being like a kid and desperately needing your father's approval. My boyfriend understands that at least. And I think my best friend (not mentioned previously, she's a woman) sees that too so I don't think I'm deluding myself there.

However you want to categorize it, you two were not implementing appropriate boundaries. It is good that you no longer have any contact with him. If you want to preserve your relationship, you need to keep it that way.

I am gathering you're all on the younger side, but what I see here is a girl who is not that into her boyfriend anymore and doesn't know how to process having a crush on someone else.

Just my take.

Cutting all contact is a good idea. Having an emotional affair obscures your view of your relationship with your bf. This much emotional dependence to the point of being indifferent to the gf's feelings and in a mental competition with his gf was the cause so many problems for all 4 of you. Hope your relationship with the bf lasts, it sounds quite deficient if you need someone else entirely to have as an emotional surrogate bf.

I cut contact a while ago, completely. We don't hang out anymore even in a group.

Cutting all contact is a good idea. Having an emotional affair obscures your view of your relationship with your bf. This much emotional dependence to the point of being indifferent to the gf's feelings and in a mental competition with his gf was the cause so many problems for all 4 of you. Hope your relationship with the bf lasts, it sounds quite deficient if you need someone else entirely to have as an emotional surrogate bf.

Why would I care about the gf’s feelings?

I didn’t talk about my boyfriend a lot here because it didn’t seem relevant and I didn’t want it to be super long. That doesn’t mean I don’t love my boyfriend, I still think about him constantly. I never had a crush on T. It’s hard to explain. I just wanted his respect. My friends in real life “get it”; maybe you’d have to know us.

Why would I care about the gf’s feelings?

 

I didn’t talk about my boyfriend a lot here because it didn’t seem relevant and I didn’t want it to be super long. That doesn’t mean I don’t love my boyfriend, I still think about him constantly. I never had a crush on T. It’s hard to explain. I just wanted his respect. My friends in real life “get it”; maybe you’d have to know us.

Because if you were truly a friend, you wouldn't want to put undue strain on his relationship with her. Friends generally respect each other's relationships and are not so dismissive of their loved ones. That's why.

How old are all of you, out of curiosity?

Because if you were truly a friend, you wouldn't want to put undue strain on his relationship with her. Friends generally respect each other's relationships and are not so dismissive of their loved ones. That's why.

 

How old are all of you, out of curiosity?

Where does it say we were friends? She hated my guts and I was indifferent. She was emotionally and physically abusive so I wasn’t rooting for them, though. I just kind of stayed out of it.

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Where does it say we were friends? She hated my guts and I was indifferent. She was emotionally and physically abusive so I wasn’t rooting for them, though. I just kind of stayed out of it.

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She meant if you were a true friend to "T", you would respect his relationship with his girlfriend. And clearly, you don't respect their relationship OR her. You are condescending and dismissive of her. Kind of the way you feel "T" treated you.

I agree that you are acting like a scorned girlfriend, not a platonic friend.

Where does it say we were friends? She hated my guts and I was indifferent. She was emotionally and physically abusive so I wasn’t rooting for them, though. I just kind of stayed out of it.

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I meant a true friend to him, OP.

It's weird, because I never felt "in love" with him or anything like that. It was more being like a kid and desperately needing your father's approval. My boyfriend understands that at least. And I think my best friend (not mentioned previously, she's a woman) sees that too so I don't think I'm deluding myself there.

You're deffinetely deluding yourself and how dare you call his girlfriend crazy for being uncomfortable with your boundary crossing relationship. Shame on you.

You may be young but you're not s child think about other people's feelings beyond your own particularly his ex and your boyfriend.

I didn't even read the whole thing too much drama for dramas sake. Recognize how unhealthy this friendship is, end it and heal yourself please.

You're deffinetely deluding yourself and how dare you call his girlfriend crazy for being uncomfortable with your boundary crossing relationship. Shame on you.

 

You may be young but you're not s child think about other people's feelings beyond your own particularly his ex and your boyfriend.

 

I didn't even read the whole thing too much drama for dramas sake. Recognize how unhealthy this friendship is, end it and heal yourself please.

lol I think she's unstable because she pretended to be disabled, pretended to have cancer, and beat T. I never called her crazy, and I certainly understand why she would be uncomfortable with me. I said that earlier - it made sense why she didn't like me, and I never faulted her for that. But what can you do about that except ignore her? I am just indifferent to her. We were not close, and I did not emotionally abuse her like T emotionally abused me and she physically and emotionally abused T.

I didn't want to mention it because it makes it way more complicated, but this girl also dated my current boyfriend for 4 years and he claims that she was abusive toward him too. The only reason they lasted so long was because she would threaten suicide if he wanted to break up.

I think you guys are projecting and didn't actually read what I wrote very closely. My whole point with mentioning his girlfriend is that he blamed her abuse for him treating me poorly, but that's not a good excuse.

She meant if you were a true friend to "T", you would respect his relationship with his girlfriend. And clearly, you don't respect their relationship OR her. You are condescending and dismissive of her. Kind of the way you feel "T" treated you.

 

I agree that you are acting like a scorned girlfriend, not a platonic friend.

I kind of think being "dismissive" of someone and actively trying to burn someone's self esteem/abuse them emotionally/try to make them as dependent on you as possible while gaslighting them are way different.

I'll hear from J that it bothers her to talk to me because I am dating her ex. J implied that he believed she was using me to get closer to my ex.

J has also said she gets jealous of me sometimes on and off for whatever reasons.

Still I thought my friendship with J was strong.

 

During the school year he and his girlfriend were long distance, we talked most days about music, his relationship, my relationship, jokes, etc.

Then summer came and she moved in with him. He got distant, which I understood. I didn't bug him about it much because I was devoting time to other friends and taking 4 summer classes.

 

But then I was having some mental health issues and was seeking support pretty much weekly for a month. His girlfriend told him she thinks I'm toxic and he can kind of see it too. He said he and his girlfriend thought I was toxic, but he qualified it with "you're a really good person". I wasn't acting insane or anything, just messages like "my boyfriend did something insensitive" or "my doctor just switched my meds and it's making me grumpy and stuff like that. I agreed that I can be negative and would try to be a lot better. Still he was purposefully avoiding me and I could tell despite his excuses.

 

I cut off some of it, but you're right, it is complicated, but my opinion stands, you crossed boundaries. You were clearly having an emotional affair with this guy and the girlfriend, whether she was the devil incarnate or not, had legitimate issues with it. The only one who seems to be oblivious to how inappropriate you two were was your boyfriend which honestly may explain why you felt the need to emotionally connect outside of the relationship to begin with.

I think you guys are projecting and didn't actually read what I wrote very closely. My whole point with mentioning his girlfriend is that he blamed her abuse for him treating me poorly, but that's not a good excuse.

The lack of boundaries is why you ALL treated each other badly:

Then I realized that on snapchat, I could not see J's snapchat stories on my phone - but I could on my friends' phones, implying that I was specifically blocked from seeing his snap stories. This did not make sense to me because I don't even reply to his snap stories. I thought maybe she asked him to block me and he was trying to score points with her. This is the kind of relationship where she says jump and he asks "how high?"

 

 

 

After that, I kind of just called it quits on the friendship. Unfriended them both on social media and did not contact either for over a month. Eventually I did leave one last message, because it was bothering me to think he might not have understood why I disappeared. I didn't want him to think I was mad at him. I said, "Just so there is no confusion, when I noticed that you blocked me from seeing your snapchat stories, I took it as a sign that you didn't want to be friends but couldn't say it, so I pulled the trigger for you. That is all. I wish you well. No hard feelings. Do not respond to this."

 

A couple days later, he responded, "I never blocked you. And I regret losing your friendship."

 

So either he is lying or his girlfriend blocked me on his phone. And if his girlfriend did it, he likely knew and let it happen, which is essentially the same as him doing it.

 

Besides, the way he worded his text wasn't like, "let's try to be friends now that that's cleared up". It was more like, "I regret losing our friendship, but I can't do anything about that because of my gf". Maybe I'm reading too far into it.

 

 

I was thinking about sending "Sure, you didn't block me on snapchat altogether, but I was blocked from seeing your stories", which my prompt him to say, "oh, true", or to clarify that his girlfriend did it, or it may prompt an explanation if he is the one who did. I also thought about asking "Who blocked me from seeing your stories?" to sound less accusatory.

Drama.

To answer your question, I think it would be unhealthy to continue with this friendship.

I said that earlier - it made sense why she didn't like me, and I never faulted her for that. But what can you do about that except ignore her?

You could respect her relationship?

I think you guys are projecting and didn't actually read what I wrote very closely. My whole point with mentioning his girlfriend is that he blamed her abuse for him treating me poorly, but that's not a good excuse.

I read it.

I just don't agree with your behaviour. Or his. You both bend boundaries and you don't seem to recognize when you are being manipulated, either.

This guy isn't your friend. You can't see it now, but looking back someday, you will.