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Passive aggressive text from the ex


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So I’m not sure if this is the correct section, seemed to be the most fitting - but I need some advice on something. Little backstory - my girlfriend of about 2 years broke up with me in February. Lack of communication between the two of us killed the relationship. I recognized and accepted my role in the failure of our relationship, she blames all of it on me and takes no responsibility for her part. Fine. I’m moving on - got a new place, got back in the gym, dating other women and really starting to feel good again. We’ve had limited communication since the break up, but never really hashed out our issues, and at this point I just can’t ever see that happening with the way she’s acting. This isn’t about trying to get her back - I never close the door on people, but I know that I’ll be just fine without her.

 

Anyway, last night I got a very snarky and passive aggressive text from her about a picture I have in my bumble dating app profile. The picture is of me and her dog that passed about a year ago. We’re both animal lovers, and even though it wasn’t MY dog, I still loved that dog as my own. Honestly, it’s just a good picture of me, and people seem to like it.

 

Part of me wants to tell her that it’s none of her business which pictures I use on there, but another part is wondering if maybe I’m just being obstinate...I do have a bit of a stubborn streak myself. So am I wrong to have a picture of me and my ex’s deceased dog on there? What do you think?

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Sorry to hear this. No contact would be much better than continuing the war and "hashing issues out". A breakup is the final action, not the start of the drama. A stand off about anything means there's too much emotion swirling around.

 

As far as the pic, yeah it's bad to put pics with anything of an ex's. You're shooting yourself in the foot with that if/when you start talking to/meeting women and they ask about the pic/dog. What are you going to say? "yeah that's my ex's dead dog"...Although subtle some could interpret it as not being over your ex. Take it down for your own sake, not for her.

We’ve had limited communication since the break up, but never really hashed out our issues.The picture is of me and her dog that passed about a year ago.
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I would not post a photo with an ex's dog, simply because you are likely to get questions from dog-loving ladies who would love to meet your pooch. To explain it's actually your ex's dog, now gone, is awkward.

 

Find a photo that's just you, and avoid the unnecessary hassle.

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Your ex sounds a bit like mine. Reactive, a drama-streak, easily riled up, immunity to taking responsibility for things. Big picture here: you're broken up and moving on and she's struggling with that.

 

The pic is a touch—and, I mean, a micro-touch—insensitive. That said, breakups just suck, and this is so not cause for someone to lash out. If anything, it's probably the kind of communication gap that you experienced time and time again inside the relationship.

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Thanks for the advice everyone, I appareciate it - I’ve decided to take the picture down.

 

Do I even acknowledge the text and respond? Or just take it down and lay the issue to rest?

 

Just take it down and lay the issue to rest. She's running very hot right now. Maybe when things cool down you guys can have some kind of chat.

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Don’t think there’s any blocking involved, it’s just a swiping app (so I swiped left when I saw her on ther lol). But the picture is down and I’m just gonna drop it, no desire to get into an argument with her anyway. Thanks again.

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No need for further dialogue. Taking off the dating app now your good with the new ladies. Ignore her texts and don't get dragged into nonsense drama...which it is all it is at this point.

I’ve decided to take the picture down. Do I even acknowledge the text and respond? Or just take it down and lay the issue to rest?
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Honestly, it hadn’t even occurred to me when people were saying to block her that they meant her phone number, I was thinking they meant block her on the app...bit of a brain fart! As for blocking numbers, it’s not something I usually do just because it makes me feel childish and petty, but sure seems like the best course of action at this point.

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I can't tell you how much I can relate to all this. Your ex is just confused, hurting, healing, and not doing a great job of processing it with grace. These little moments of drama are just distractions from what she's feeling. I've gone through this for months with my ex—it's no fun. I considered blocking her number, but it just seemed immature to me, so I started thinking of these moments as little lessons. If at first they got me kind of riled up, eventually they just served as reminders of why we weren't together—like, this is the best we can do at communicating? Um, okay, not what I'm into.

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I can't tell you how much I can relate to all this. Your ex is just confused, hurting, healing, and not doing a great job of processing it with grace. These little moments of drama are just distractions from what she's feeling. I've gone through this for months with my ex—it's no fun. I considered blocking her number, but it just seemed immature to me, so I started thinking of these moments as little lessons. If at first they got me kind of riled up, eventually they just served as reminders of why we weren't together—like, this is the best we can do at communicating? Um, okay, not what I'm into.

 

Well it’s good to know I’m not the only one at least! Apparently, using that picture is the worst thing I’ve ever done (she literally told me this). Up until recently, I would’ve been absolutely willing to go to counseling together and learn to communicate with each other better. In fact, I would’ve insisted on it. But I think that ship has sailed now. I still don’t like the idea of blocking anyone’s number (other than telemarketers and known scam numbers), so I’ll try to do what you did and use these outbursts as lessons. She thinks I did this on purpose and with the intent to hurt her...when in truth she wasn’t on my mind at all when I set up that profile, just the opposite actually. And since she hasn’t been a part of my life for 3 months, I didn’t consider how she would react if she saw it.

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The picture isn't really what she's upset about. It's just a proxy, an easy way to express complicated, contradictory feelings that she can't quite contain.

 

I know that, but it’s still hard to hear her say I would do this intentionally to hurt her. We’ve had our issues and even though we’re not right for one another, I still wouldn’t do anything to hurt her on purpose.

 

Does it bother you that she's mad at you?

 

Sure it does.

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I know very well where you're at. My ex is very mad at me today, 8 months after the breakup. She has plenty of justified reasons—I was far from perfect—and ultimately any feeling someone has is valid. The trouble is she expresses that anger in irrational ways—lashing out about a social media post, say, or attacking me about someone she thinks I'm dating while she's been dating a lot of new people. Were I to engage every time and try to soothe her/defend myself it just wouldn't be healthy or authentic, so I've just gone about living my life and making choices I feel are honest and not intended to hurt.

 

I have a lot of reasons to be mad at my ex as well. She treated me very cruelly toward the end—emotional abuse, multiple infidelities—but I've spent the past 8 months focusing on forgiveness, on letting of anger so I can live a peaceful life. And after a lot of soul searching, I feel I'm on that path, stepping lightly, always finding more light. That's just my nature, whereas my ex seems more prone to finding a kind of comfort in darkness. That difference, far more than actions like infidelity, is largely why we just don't work and couldn't communicate.

 

I'd love to be able to clear the air between us—our egos hate the idea of someone hating us—but I've had to accept that she is processing it all differently, in her own way, at her own pace, and I've tried enough times to understand that she'll either be angry forever or not. Nothing I can do will change that. The more you can accept that the more peace you'll find, because like I said: the photo was a proxy for her anger; if she is bent on staying angry, she will continue to find things to be angry about. Eventually you just have to accept that.

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I know very well where you're at. My ex is very mad at me today, 8 months after the breakup. She has plenty of justified reasons—I was far from perfect—and ultimately any feeling someone has is valid. The trouble is she expresses that anger in irrational ways—lashing out about a social media post, say, or attacking me about someone she thinks I'm dating while she's been dating a lot of new people. Were I to engage every time and try to soothe her/defend myself it just wouldn't be healthy or authentic, so I've just gone about living my life and making choices I feel are honest and not intended to hurt.

 

I have a lot of reasons to be mad at my ex as well. She treated me very cruelly toward the end—emotional abuse, multiple infidelities—but I've spent the past 8 months focusing on forgiveness, on letting of anger so I can live a peaceful life. And after a lot of soul searching, I feel I'm on that path, stepping lightly, always finding more light. That's just my nature, whereas my ex seems more prone to finding a kind of comfort in darkness. That difference, far more than actions like infidelity, is largely why we just don't work and couldn't communicate.

 

I'd love to be able to clear the air between us—our egos hate the idea of someone hating us—but I've had to accept that she is processing it all differently, in her own way, at her own pace, and I've tried enough times to understand that she'll either be angry forever or not. Nothing I can do will change that. The more you can accept that the more peace you'll find, because like I said: the photo was a proxy for her anger; if she is bent on staying angry, she will continue to find things to be angry about. Eventually you just have to accept that.

 

So why do you do, just ignore her?

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So why do you do, just ignore her?

 

Sadly, yes. There was a moment, I don't know, three or four months ago where she reached out out of nowhere and her tone quickly turned aggressive. I could sense the pain beneath it, maybe even a longing to connect in some way, and I was upset for about a month that we just couldn't quite connect. Mind you, at that point I had no intention other than just having goodwill between us.

 

So I took the step of writing her a short email. I was warm, just wishing her well, saying I didn't think there needed to be any hostility between us, hoping we could continue to move forward with grace and compassion. I got a nice reply back. But maybe a week later I posted a photo of a female friend—just a friend, but like that even matters—and she sent me a harsh email.

 

Lesson was: okay, this is how you operate right now, how you're healing. I just can't step back into that fire anymore, so I let it go and don't say anything. It's not easy, but what can you do? I've done a lot, tried a lot, and at this point to keep doing/trying just isn't healthy for me. To stay in touch is more a net negative than a positive, sadly, despite the affection I'll always have for her.

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