I'm 44 and thought life been different, his finances not good, sparks? confused

Hello

 

I'm 44, still live at home, no kids and would have thought by now I'd been married, kids etc and living in a nice house and had a comfortable lifestyle. Previous relationships just didn't work out - I was with a fella for 7 years and he left me and haven't been in anything really serious since. Been on dates but nothing developed.

 

Then I met a man 3 years ago and he's 56 and yes I do worry abit about the age gap and the spark has faded but friends tell me oh that's normal. He treats me with so much love & care, respects me and is very faithful and honest. I have finished it a few times in the the past with him and always end up back together!

 

His finances worry me as I always would have loved a nice house in the country etc (please don't think I'm looking a man for his money I just would love a nice comfortable home) maybe I'm living in dream land and people remind me oh a wealthy man with a house etc mightn't be as honest towards me, maybe the grass isn't greener!!

 

My head is confused and don't know to stay or leave, times I wish I fancied him more but do understand the spark can fade. I have chatted to him and he says he can't provide me with the nice house in the country etc as his finances aren't good and says he can only show me respect, love and care which I know is very important too.

 

I'm just so confused and my head is abit messed. Maybe I'm looking too much (finanically I'm better than him) I love his good qualities though and don't know to stay or leave him :(

Here is what I would do. Get a dog who is "faithful" to you -because it sounds like your focus with this man is how he treats you, not your desire to give to him and having a certain kind of dog would fulfill that part and then you wouldn't be in a one-sided relationship(other than taking care of the dog, on your side).

At 44, what have you done in your life to save money to buy the home you would like in the country? I don't think the age gap is an issue -the chemistry gap is though. Let him find someone who is crazy about him and perhaps comes to the relationship with her own means of financial support and her own nest egg if she, too, wants a certain kind of lifestyle.

 

I don't think money has anything to do with honesty and integrity. It just depends on the individual person, his/her values, how she/he made the money, work ethic, etc. It does sound like you're not being honest with him if he thinks that you are into him as he is to you, and you're not being honest with yourself. I would leave because that's fair to him (especially since you're still shopping around, even if just in your head), and figure out how to start saving for your home. Then, meet men who you are into and who are stable financially even if not wealthy. Buy your own house (or with someone else if you're married, preferably) and live in it. With the faithful dog, of course.

His attention to the relationship hasn't slacked off, so the spark disappearing has nothing to do with his behavior. The heart wants what the heart wants, and he's not the one for you, otherwise, you would have never let him go--not even once.

 

Time to move on with the both of your lives so you both can be single to find who you're really supposed to be with.

I mean, being 44 and living at home is kind of a precarious position to be in if we're gonna be throwing stones in terms of financial discrepancies, but I do agree with the others in that if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. You don't really need to justify it.

 

However, to speak more generally and regardless of a context including him or any other man in the future, I'm curious about this bit:

 

I have chatted to him and he says he can't provide me with the nice house in the country etc as his finances aren't good and says he can only show me respect, love and care which I know is very important too.

What exactly did you "chat" with him about? How did it end up a matter of him providing (read: supplying) you with a house in the country? Are you expecting a guy to supply you with a house in the country or for one to chip in equally as a partner to achieve it? If your finances are better off, why not secure one of your own? While I by no means think your dating options are intrinsically limited, at your age, I do think the more healthy options are going to be those who have "been there, done that" in terms of being eager to substantially contribute their money for the benefit of a woman. Particularly if you're dating guys in their mid-50s, you're a bit beyond the more typical cohort of men looking to start a family or financially provide for someone else. Feel free to disregard that advice if you are just looking for a guy who can bring in a mutual contribution to achieve a mutual goal of a nice house in the country. It just doesn't come off that way, whether due to your actual expectations or perhaps an exaggerated rebuttal on his end.

If you want a country home, buy one yourself. That way you have the freedom to choose who you wish to be with because you already have the house.

I think you have no room to talk if you complain about his situation, yet you are living with parents. At 44, you should have moved out - even with a female roommate by now.

 

 

I would only be nervous about his finances if he has bad finances - not small finances (ie, bad choices gambling, big credit card debt, can never hold down a job) but having a job that he loves that is modest or a modest living situation is okay.

 

I think you need to get your own life in order before you seriously date.

This is kind of sad actually -- there are women who come on here fearing for their life because of abuse and you cannot accept a man who can provide "love, respect and care" because no house in the country comes with him..." If you did love and want to be with this man, you would say "you may not be able to afford a house in the country, but we might be able to afford one TOGETHER" or "i can deal with a small rental in the country or a small home in town- -- that is a short drive to the country - because you will be there". But because you don't, you don't really want to be with him ---- or you have your priorities mixed up.

At 44 you should have moved out about half of your life ago. Why are you still at home? If you want a country home, buy one yourself.

I mean, being 44 and living at home is kind of a precarious position to be in if we're gonna be throwing stones in terms of financial discrepancies, but I do agree with the others in that if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. You don't really need to justify it.

 

However, to speak more generally and regardless of a context including him or any other man in the future, I'm curious about this bit:

 

What exactly did you "chat" with him about? How did it end up a matter of him providing (read: supplying) you with a house in the country? Are you expecting a guy to supply you with a house in the country or for one to chip in equally as a partner to achieve it? If your finances are better off, why not secure one of your own? While I by no means think your dating options are intrinsically limited, at your age, I do think the more healthy options are going to be those who have "been there, done that" in terms of being eager to substantially contribute their money for the benefit of a woman. Particularly if you're dating guys in their mid-50s, you're a bit beyond the more typical cohort of men looking to start a family or financially provide for someone else. Feel free to disregard that advice if you are just looking for a guy who can bring in a mutual contribution to achieve a mutual goal of a nice house in the country. It just doesn't come off that way, whether due to your actual expectations or perhaps an exaggerated rebuttal on his end.

Sorry maybe I haven't worded it the best way. We just chatted about the future and where we'd live etc, he knows my dreams of having a nice house but maybe what I want and what I get are too different things. He really means that with his part time job he wouldn't get a mortgage etc and he doesn't want to go into debt anyway, which I totally understand. I know I'm still living at home and seriously thinking of going to rent somewhere first to see how things go.

If you want a country home, buy one yourself. That way you have the freedom to choose who you wish to be with because you already have the house.

I think you have no room to talk if you complain about his situation, yet you are living with parents. At 44, you should have moved out - even with a female roommate by now.

 

 

I would only be nervous about his finances if he has bad finances - not small finances (ie, bad choices gambling, big credit card debt, can never hold down a job) but having a job that he loves that is modest or a modest living situation is okay.

 

I think you need to get your own life in order before you seriously date.

Yeah I'm thinking of maybe getting somewhere to rent and see how things go. He works part time and says he wouldn't get a mortgage, nor does he want to get into debt which I understand. Renting might be the way forward.

 

This is kind of sad actually -- there are women who come on here fearing for their life because of abuse and you cannot accept a man who can provide "love, respect and care" because no house in the country comes with him..." If you did love and want to be with this man, you would say "you may not be able to afford a house in the country, but we might be able to afford one TOGETHER" or "i can deal with a small rental in the country or a small home in town- -- that is a short drive to the country - because you will be there". But because you don't, you don't really want to be with him ---- or you have your priorities mixed up.

I understand what your saying and I am grateful that this man is so loving and caring etc. Yes I need to sort myself out as I'm all mixed up, as I said above the spark has faded for me and maybe I need to work on getting that back!

 

At 44 you should have moved out about half of your life ago. Why are you still at home? If you want a country home, buy one yourself.

Due to my finances but thankfully now mine have improved and I'm in a position to move out, so think renting is the way forward first to see how things go.

What have you done to reach your goal and dream of buying a house in the country other than trying to meet a wealthy man to marry who can buy it for you. Is it your boyfriend's dream too to buy a house in the country?

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What have you done to reach your goal and dream of buying a house in the country other than trying to meet a wealthy man to marry who can buy it for you. Is it your boyfriend's dream too to buy a house in the country?

 

I work hard and save money. My man doesn't really mind where he lives as he's in a very small apartment 2 hours drive from me!

So you're going to have to buy your own house in the country.

 

I wonder if the "spark" would suddenly return if he told you he found a way to afford the country house.

His attention to the relationship hasn't slacked off, so the spark disappearing has nothing to do with his behavior. The heart wants what the heart wants, and he's not the one for you, otherwise, you would have never let him go--not even once.

 

Time to move on with the both of your lives so you both can be single to find who you're really supposed to be with.

That's what worries me as I say to myself if I really want this man I wouldn't leave him? I'm confused and mixed up as then when I'm away I miss him but maybe I'm not giving myself time. He's the only man to show me love and respect and it's hard letting him go. Maybe I need to work on myself first and sort this mind out!

So you're going to have to buy your own house in the country.

 

I wonder if the "spark" would suddenly return if he told you he found a way to afford the country house.

As I said in previous reply maybe I need to work on myself and work on getting the spark back. I'm confused and need to sort my mind out. I love him but not sure I'm 'in love' with him but a friend says both are the same! I don't no.

I work hard and save money. My man doesn't really mind where he lives as he's in a very small apartment 2 hours drive from me!

 

Right. So you want someone else to buy you a house whether it is his dream or otherwise. What will you bring to the relationship if you don't bring $ to help buy the house? I could see if you were going to be a full-time parent raising children and he was the primary breadwinner/paying for the house/mortgage etc -that is a great division of labor in many marriages. But basically you are "saving money" and you're 44 and live at home. Is this a new dream of yours? Do you have a savings account specifically for the house?

Right. So you want someone else to buy you a house whether it is his dream or otherwise. What will you bring to the relationship if you don't bring $ to help buy the house? I could see if you were going to be a full-time parent raising children and he was the primary breadwinner/paying for the house/mortgage etc -that is a great division of labor in many marriages. But basically you are "saving money" and you're 44 and live at home. Is this a new dream of yours? Do you have a savings account specifically for the house?

Where did I say I wanted someone else to buy me a house???

"His finances worry me as I always would have loved a nice house in the country etc (please don't think I'm looking a man for his money I just would love a nice comfortable home) maybe I'm living in dream land and people remind me oh a wealthy man with a house etc mightn't be as honest towards me, maybe the grass isn't greener!!

 

My head is confused and don't know to stay or leave, times I wish I fancied him more but do understand the spark can fade. I have chatted to him and he says he can't provide me with the nice house in the country etc as his finances aren't good and says he can only show me respect, love and care which I know is very important too."

 

That gave me the distinct impression that you want a man to buy you a house. So as an example. When I was in my 20s I knew that if I were to marry someday I'd want to be the full time parent at home for longer than maternity leave. So, I started saving my money in my late 20s after paying off grad school loans. My thinking was that if I married a man who couldn't afford to provide for a family on his income only I could contribute from my savings. I married a man who could provide. And, since I'd saved for over 10 years by that point, when we had our son, I contributed to the household expenses monthly for the 7 years I was at home full time. And now I work part time and contribute my paycheck. My husband doesn't ask for it or expect it but since I can, I do so that I can feel like I am contributing financially as well. It's basically about planning. I had a dream, that dream cost $, potentially, so i planned in advance. Had I gotten married/had a baby earlier Iwould have had less money but that was my intention. How about you?

"His finances worry me as I always would have loved a nice house in the country etc (please don't think I'm looking a man for his money I just would love a nice comfortable home) maybe I'm living in dream land and people remind me oh a wealthy man with a house etc mightn't be as honest towards me, maybe the grass isn't greener!!

 

My head is confused and don't know to stay or leave, times I wish I fancied him more but do understand the spark can fade. I have chatted to him and he says he can't provide me with the nice house in the country etc as his finances aren't good and says he can only show me respect, love and care which I know is very important too."

 

That gave me the distinct impression that you want a man to buy you a house. So as an example. When I was in my 20s I knew that if I were to marry someday I'd want to be the full time parent at home for longer than maternity leave. So, I started saving my money in my late 20s after paying off grad school loans. My thinking was that if I married a man who couldn't afford to provide for a family on his income only I could contribute from my savings. I married a man who could provide. And, since I'd saved for over 10 years by that point, when we had our son, I contributed to the household expenses monthly for the 7 years I was at home full time. And now I work part time and contribute my paycheck. My husband doesn't ask for it or expect it but since I can, I do so that I can feel like I am contributing financially as well. It's basically about planning. I had a dream, that dream cost $, potentially, so i planned in advance. Had I gotten married/had a baby earlier Iwould have had less money but that was my intention. How about you?

As I replied to someone here and said maybe I haven't worded it the best way. Me and him chatted about the future and where we'd live etc, he knows my dreams of having a nice house but maybe what I want and what I get are two different things. He really means that with his part time job he wouldn't get a mortgage etc and he doesn't want to go into debt anyway, which I totally understand. I know I'm still living at home and seriously thinking of going to rent somewhere first to see how things go.

Oh ok- so why would you need a wealthy man necessarily. If as you say you are going to pay for half of the house then wouldn’t you just need someone who would qualify for a mortgage or be able to split the monthly payments with you? It sounds like of course you’d only buy a house you could afford on your own or st least afford half of right? And you’re not wealthy so why did you mention wanting to meet a wealthy man? What I would do is start renting within the next month and sign a one year lease or possibly month to month. After a year you’ll have a better idea of where you are financially. This man is not wanting to buy property or get a full time job that would allow him to qualify for a mortgage so if your dream is to buy a house with someone else who can afford to buy a house he’s probably not your guy.

That's what worries me as I say to myself if I really want this man I wouldn't leave him? I'm confused and mixed up as then when I'm away I miss him but maybe I'm not giving myself time. He's the only man to show me love and respect and it's hard letting him go. Maybe I need to work on myself first and sort this mind out!

 

Maybe? There is no "maybe" about this. You need to have your head on straight with a definite life plan before you go worrying about this guy who lives in an apt. 2 hours away. Sort yourself out first.

For 3 years and relationship has not progressed, not even been in love to the point where you can't put away your lingering judgements on his finances behind.

Best for you both to move on.

It sounds like you have loving feelings for him but you don't have that desire to be with him -that "za za zoom" Carrie talks about in Sex and the City (LOL). They are not the same thing. You need that chemistry and passion -or at least knowing you can reinvigorate those feelings that were there - if you want to be in a long term romantic relationship. My sense is that you'll find it difficult to spark with anyone because you don't have the spark in yourself. You live at home, have vague plans to move out at age 44, and have a dream of a house in the country with a wealthy man (which is confusing since you claim you don't need someone who can buy the house - so why "wealthy" - people who are not wealthy buy houses. Find out what sparks you right now, what motivates you, what your passion is. Then you will attract people who have spark and passion and perhaps you'll be compatible.

Sorry I probably do sound like a golddigger and I'm far from it as I've always looked after myself in life and never took any man for his money. When I say 'wealthy man' I mean someone who can look after himself too example. I'd like to maybe travel more and be nice if he could pay his own way and me mine. I'm lucky that financially I'm in a good place now so am probably looking to enjoy life more as well... as much as I love this man times I feel I'm not getting to do the things I'd like ie. more travel but I understand his struggles with finances.

Oh ok - I wasn't going to refer to "gold digger" because I didn't see it that way but it sounded like you wanted to marry someone who could afford to buy you a house (which of course happens in many marriages I'm sure). The problem I see in you meeting someone is that person will wonder why, if you have the $ to live independently, you live with your parents at your age. I would not date a man who made that choice barring some really unusual circumstances. I'm glad you're planning to move out. I agree that if you want to travel and own a home and can afford that you need to find someone who also can if you dont' want to compromise on that. Good luck!