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Thread: Abuse after a mistake

  1. #1

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    Abuse after a mistake

    PLEASE READ
    This is going to be so long but please I need HELP PLEASE. So I am with my CB (Current Boyfriend). He is also my daughters father. We met online October 2016. During that time I left my abusive ExBf and got my first apartment. Ialso got me a cat from my ExBf's best friend. So I finally had my own place , a cat and left a bad situation. So it seemed. My CB helped me move in. My ex and CB were arguing and my ex eventually tried to fight him. Anyways my CB was with me at my place everyday. Helping out and we were having sex. He felt he needed to protect me from my exbf. Weeks went on And then I guess I also pushed him away. Idk. We started arguing. He was putting my cat in my closet. He threw my cat against the wall. He would do things I wouldn't like. Like play punching me. Itreminded me of bad childhood memories. we would argue. then he kept moving my cat in closet because he didnt like cats. Also my ExBf reached out to me to talk. So I went to talk to him at his house to get closure
    My CB told me not to meet up with him. I did anyways and he stayed on the phone while I went to exbf house. That happened. My ex reached out to me again. I didnt see it until i came back home from visiting family for Christmas. So again, i went out of town for Christmas and my CB went back home to his mothers. BTW my CB and I weren't together at that time. Even though he helped around my studio apartment. We did have sex. And he decided to be with me everyday to protect me.
    So he went back home. I came back after Christmas.

    So My exbf reached out to me again.. and I did respond. I also asked him to take me so my cat could see its mother
    He came to pick me up two/three nights after Christmas and he took me. We argued in his best friends back yard. He took me home. He called me on Facebook video chat. We kept arguing and he came to pick me again to talk. Basically we ended up having sex for like 3/4 days. I spent new years 2017 with him. I was also talking to other guys on the website I met my CB on. My CB was ignoring me the Christmas week he was gone. He said he was going to leave to get his self together and find a job. But then why was he ignoring me? Anyways On january 6th or 7th My CB called me and wanted to come over , i cut my ex off And blocked him. After that he started harrassing me. Knocking on the door, and throwing rocks at the window. If i didnt respond and have sex with him, he wouldnt of known where i stayed. Again my CB came back. I told my CB my exbf was harrassing because i let him come over to talk and we watched movies, which was true. I just didnt tell him we had sex over his house and mine and he spent the night. So A month later AFTER my CB came back, i got pregnant. Had a miscarrage. Then two months after that. I got pregnant with our daughter. After the guilt. He was making me feel like crap. Knowing he knew i slept with my exbf. Months later, after I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I finally told him the whole truth. He chocked me and screamed, calling me a liar, he was saying the miscarrage baby wasn't his. And also my daughter who I was pregnant with at the time wasn't his. He said he knew I slept with my exbf. He said he could tell because I started acting different when he came back in January. If I would of done that to you, you wouldn't of took me back. I was like crying and saying but we weren't together. So fast forward. Our relationship went down the drain. He was more insecure. Saying i look at other guys when were out. The reason why he is insecure is because of what i did. He makes me feel so guily everytime we argue. He would bring it up. No matter what he did that i didnt like and tried to confront him. Like watching porn or women twerking videos on instagram. Anything he did. It didnt matter because he would say at least i DIDN'T sleep with them like you slept with your ex. I didnt do what you did to me. It doesn't matter what he has done wrong because at the end of the day he will forever blame me for sleeping with my ex. For going back. Months later, a year later. He kept putting his hands on me.

    It so overwhelming and stressful. I want to die or run away and start over. He says you know youre wrong for what you did. Now you got to deal with it. Its hard to move on. He tries to communicate with me. He tells me sorry for the abuse But I can't talk. We're trying to get past it. Yes the blame he puts on me for what I did. The blame makes me want to run as far away or kill myself. It hasn't been the same between us. He was liked you promised not to go back to him. And then youTook too long to tell me you went back to him.... then he doesnt like my mother anymore because she told me not to tell him. he just blames and blames. Am I wrong for what I did??? I was single. Had my own place. Known my CB for 2 months.
    I felt free to do whatever I wanted. It was my place. I didn't haven't kids yet. But he forever makes me feel like for it. He says he didnt trust or respect me after that. But he broke my trust when throwing my cat to the wall when we argued.. but I went back to exbf. That I told him about before I got my apartment. I don't get it. When we argued he would slam door, punch it, put holes in the wall too.
    . My mom still says i shouldn't of told him. He says if he told his mom what happened she wouldnt like me anymore. My dad and big brother says i was wrong for what i did. My dad said if his girlfriend did that to him. He would of chocked the hell out of her.

    I shouldn't of never let him come back in january But then I wouldn't had my daughter. when I was pregnant with my daughter. I lost my job and had to move out. He was going to pay for it until my lease was up but he didn't pay on purpose so i could get kicked out and I had to move out the city. Now he works and im a stay at home mother. I bought a car but he takes it to work everyday. So I'm stuck in the house. My question is Was I wrong for what I did? Did I deserve being chocked for promising him not to go back and then going back to my ex and waiting 4 months to tell him? How can I get past this? I told what I have done but I haven't' told anyone about the abuse. No one knows we physically fight.He still thinks our daughter isn't his. He thinks it's my exbf. Breaks my heart but I did it to myself

  2. #2
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    You need to get away from him and get a restraining order - on both men. Do you have supportive family you can live with for a short time? you left an abusive man and found another abusive man (not to mention that you did not use protection.) call the abuse hotline that is usually run by the women's shelter. They can help you big time with counseling, possibly leads on a safe place to live and have resources to help you file a restraining order and to protect the rights to your daughter.

    NO ONE EVER deserves to be hit, punched or choked!! Nothing you did made you deserve that.
    he is NOT insecure about what you did - he is telling you he is insecure as a way to control you and to dish out more abuse.
    He doesn't like your mom because he wishes to isolate you and make you decide not to talk to her.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Sooooooo you left an abusive BF to be with another abusive BF, and had a kid with new abusive BF.........anyone who needs to pack their stuff up and leave would be you and your daughter (and the cat!). Go to a woman's shelter, get counseling, and seek out a lawyer. Remove yourself relationship wise from both of these men. Accept the fact he will have visitation, but don't get involved with him again.

  4. #4
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    Yeah, what they said. You've got to get out of there. You're living in a dangerous situation and your relationship will never be like it was. Get out, go home, or go to a shelter.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    You need to get out of there. Your dad and brother are totally wrong, by the way.

    With a father and a brother like that, I can see how you gravitated into a relationship like this. What you are experiencing right now is not a normal relationship. It is an abusive relationship.

  7. #6
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    Ohhhhhhh, this house has bees in it. Your cue to leave fb was when he locked the cat in the closet (and DEFINITELY) when he through the cat against the wall), he escalated from the cat to you. You are worth soooo much more than either of these monsters have given you. I co sign reaching out the your support network and local women’s shelters and starting over, third times the charm right? And no dating till you’ve healed from these experiences Strongly recommended.

  8. #7
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    Your first priority is to get yourself and your daughter out of that abusive situation; there ARE resources, just as others have mentioned. Once you're out of danger, you need to do a lot of work on yourself.

    You need to leave men alone, really - no dating at all - and get professional help. You started dating abuser No.2 when you were still with No.1, and ignored some pretty serious warning signs. These guys alone are responsible for their actions, but you are responsible for yours. I'm not prepared to say whether your actions are "right" or "wrong", but it would be useful to look back and decide for yourself whether you are in a better state because of the events of the last few months, and take responsibility for the fact that you were a willing participant in all this drama.

    If you want to continue to live your life like this, then carry on as you are. Otherwise, do as you suggest and start over - but without a lot of help and support from outside your dysfunctional family and dysfunctional relationships you will continue to make the same mistakes again and again. You owe it to yourself and your daughter to move beyond this, and don't be ashamed to accept professional help from whatever quarter.

    And leave both these guys strictly alone.


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