Venting about our breakup/divorce

So, in late April my fiancee of 11 years and I were getting ready to move to another state. Our home state. She left 6 weeks sooner than I while I remained so our oldest child could remain in school in the state we were moving from. She took our youngest child to our home state. She wanted to move from our current state back to our home state because she missed her family and friends after being in our current state for 9 years. I did not want to move back because we had left our home state due to drug abuse, and my family lived in the other state, and it snows in our home state for almost half the year. I prefer the warmer climate. Well in early April her grandpa passed and we felt her grandmother needed financial and emotional assistance. I have always been one to suggest putting family first and she was excited to finally have my agreement on moving back. Before her grandfathers demise, I was most hesitant because I didn't want to move with our 2 children and remove them from the stability and comfort of the home they have always known.

2 weeks into the 6 week transition she says I do not give her enough attention, I take her for granted, she has a high sex drive and just wants to sleep with other people. I highly doubt I am deserving of all of her aggression. I was lazy in our relationship in some ways, for instance she asked me for more attention the week prior and even though I called every day, I did not make small talk like I know I could have to keep her attention. I was busy with packing, and cleaning, and yard work, and visiting my family, and caring for our pets, and caring for our oldest child. But I could have made more of an effort to fulfill her.

She used to complain often that I never gave her enough attention. Even if I spent a whole day complimenting her and giving her attention, the next day she would be complaining that I don't give her attention. It was a losing battle. On the other hand, if I were to try and accomplish my goals of starting a business by staying up late after the boys went to bed, she would complain that I don't want to lay with her. Then complain that I have no ambition or goals. It was a constant lose/lose for me.

Now that I don't have her in my life, I feel like there is a void. I feel like I was abused in a way, and that I should be relieved. There were times when she would act like she didn't want to be a mother to our children. She would come home stressed from work and take away their toys and demand they sit quietly on the couch for hours on end watching tv or playing on their tablets. She went so far as to take all their toys and put them in storage, aside from a select few because she didn't want to bother cleaning up after the boys. She has told them that she didn't want to deal with them, or that she was done with them and tell them to go see their father. I was usually in my office which is a room directly connected to our living room. So I'd leave the door open the majority of the time waiting to hear the kids getting loud or her getting upset so I could intervene.

Now she wants primary custody of our children. But I worked part time and was the stay at home dad because she claimed that after our youngest was born that she didn't have the patience to handle them. During the past year she complained that I didn't work enough, even though she was the one who requested I not pick up extra hours when I was getting ready to leave for work. Then she'd throw it in my face that she was the bread winner, and accuse me of being lazy. And yes, I do have a lazy streak at times. Especially when I am stressed or depressed. But I always tried to maintain the things I thought she would consider priority. Although, it felt like a constant guessing game of what she was going to consider priority from one day to the next.

I feel like she is going to get custody of our children because courts are sexist. I feel like she only wants the children for tax purposes and to collect government assistance. I love my children dearly and I'm afraid of what is to become of them emotionally if she wins custody.

I wish I'd have never fallen in love with such a shrewd person. I wish I'd have never given her the benefit of the doubt that she just wanted someone to love her unconditionally. Now their are children that will have to live with her mood swings and verbal assaults. She claims she has changed in the last couple of months and will not be treating them like obligations any longer. But I fear that is a character flaw that will likely never be remedied.

I am sorry you are going through this and I will leave you with one thought~

If you love your children you will want what is best for them. And what's best for them is that they have a great relationship with both parents, separately.

I know these are probably dark times but work on changing the way you view things. The courts will grant you equal custody if you are equally responsible and equally available.

They do not arbitrarily side with woman because they are `sexist'. That is faulty thinking and not factual.

You need will need to learn to set aside the highly charged emotions that come along with a divorce and support your children's relationship with their mother. And she should do the same in return. Because without it, the kids suffer.

Sorry to hear this. Are you legally married? If not that will help things, do you co own things joint accounts etc? As far as custody, visitation and child support the courts will determine all that. Get a good lawyer regarding that. Right now focus on being the best dad and man you can. As horrible as it all is do not drag your kids in the middle or say bad things about their mother to them.

I feel like she is going to get custody of our children because courts are sexist. I feel like she only wants the children for tax purposes and to collect government assistance.

I am sorry you are going through this and I will leave you with one thought~

 

If you love your children you will want what is best for them. And what's best for them is that they have a great relationship with both parents, separately.

 

I know these are probably dark times but work on changing the way you view things. The courts will grant you equal custody if you are equally responsible and equally available.

They do not arbitrarily side with woman because they are `sexist'. That is faulty thinking and not factual.

 

You need will need to learn to set aside the highly charged emotions that come along with a divorce and support your children's relationship with their mother. And she should do the same in return. Because without it, the kids suffer.

Thank you for your condolences. I do want what is best for them. I am still willing to let her have a relationship with them. She wants me to have summer custody, and I want it to be her who has summer custody. She is trying to force me to move to our home state by saying she won't allow me to have our youngest child without signing an agreement or being in the same state as her. I still have the oldest child with me. If she gets custody I will have no choice because I will go where our children go. I doubt she would do the same.

I don't want to be in our home state for reasons I mentioned in the OP and because now I feel like she will go out of her way to be spiteful towards me and try to use me as a convenience.

I am more than available for the children. My work is more flexible than hers when it comes to the hours they make available to me and how much time I can spend with the children. I also have less bills than she does which alleviates the amount of hours I need to work. So equally responsible yes, equally available not so much. She leaves the youngest child with a sitter 10 hours a day 5 days a week, from the time he wakes til he goes to sleep, she is lucky to spend 4 hours with him before he is asleep during work days. And she still makes time to go out on some weekends, which is more time he is spending with a sitter.

Her sitter is her best friend. My sitter is their grandparents whom have been a large part of their lives since they were born.

I hope you are correct about the courts not siding with women. She admits to treating the children like a burden, but blames me for why she did. So I am fearful of how she will react when she has someone else to blame for her burdens.

I am trying to set aside the emotions and think of what is best for my children. Having her call our 2 year old a "whiny lil " simply because she can't go out to a bar is hard to push out of my mind. Especially since I know she is quick to temper and does not filter what she says to the children much of the time.

Sorry to hear this. Are you legally married? If not that will help things, do you co own things joint accounts etc? As far as custody, visitation and child support the courts will determine all that. Get a good lawyer regarding that. Right now focus on being the best dad and man you can. As horrible as it all is do not drag your kids in the middle or say bad things about their mother to them.

Thank you for your condolences. No were not married. We did co own our bank account, and she claimed me on any government assistance we needed. But we did file taxes seperately. I have a decent lawyer I believe.

I am doing the best I can to be a great dad. I am spending as much time with our oldest as I can, and trying not to let stress allow me to snap at him. It has happened a few times where I yelled at him for being a kid when I shouldn't have. I just raise my voice more than I should, I don't call him names or anything. And I am quick to apologize when I notice that I am stressed and he is not being as bad as I am being stressed.

I don't say anything bad about his mom in front of him. He is usually asleep or playing with his uncles when I am venting about her. Tho he has heard some of what was said or saw my emotions when I am talking to her. I do my best to keep him from seeing those sides of me. I have read about alienating the other parent, and that is not a recourse I want to entertain for multiple reasons. The best interest of the children being the utmost reason.

I wish you the best during this difficult time.

Everything you just shared will be taken into consideration when it comes to custody.

At least the logistics.

The emotional/personal components will not be even discussed unless it is substantiated by a psychologist and I am pretty sure neither of you want to take that road.

I wish you the best during this difficult time.

 

Everything you just shared will be taken into consideration when it comes to custody.

At least the logistics.

 

The emotional/personal components will not be even discussed unless it is substantiated by a psychologist and I am pretty sure neither of you want to take that road.

I think she may need a psychologist. She always claimed to feel like she was the cause of all of our problems and wishes she were dead. Even though, if she was not in a depressed state she would blame me for everything. She had issues when she was child that removed her from her mother and then bounced her between other family members. I learned of RAD disorder and think she will likely qualify for the adult symptoms and is transferring the same issues onto our youngest by bouncing him between sitters when he needs more bonding time with at least one of his parents. I just don't know how to bring it up without sounding like I am desperate for custody. I truly do wish her well and happy regardless of the heartache.

I also have a few other issues regarding this matter. One thing is that at first I wanted the kids for the summer directly after the split. She spent weeks trying to force me to sign a custody agreement that I totally disagreed with because it stated that I could not leave the north eastern part of her state without written consent, and I could not pick up our youngest child until I agreed. She said she could not and would not change that stipulation. That changed once I told her that I had a free consult with a lawyer and the lawyer told me that it was not the correct legal language for my state which is the state that holds jurisdiction over the custody matter, and that the lawyer said that there are already laws against kidnapping which is the only thing the clause prevents.

The second thing that bothers me is that I tried expressing that I had concerns with how she would treat the children as obligations and I did not like how she would tell them that she is done with them then lay in bed for days at a time. She told me that was nothing I needed to worry about and was not going to discuss it with me. She was worried that I was going to come after primary custody. She was correct. Then she threatened to come get our oldest child if I didn't have some agreement ready to go in the next day or 2.

So then I got a lawyer. After I got a lawyer she refuses to speak to me about any form of custody agreement. She seems to prefer to take it to court. She believes that the states we live in are "mother bearing states" and she would automatically be granted custody because we were not married. But I signed every legal document and both boys even carry my last name. So my lawyer says I am more than legitimized as the father. And the legitimization process is underway in court just for extra certainty. But now that she can't keep repeating that I have no rights to the children she won't discuss a custody agreement, she will call to talk to our oldest son and she will let me talk to our youngest. Neither child likes the phones much tho, so those conversations are short.

Then there is also the issue that she is posting pics of our youngest on social media but blocking me from seeing them. That bothers me quite a bit. I have never been one to post pictures of our kids on social media. It's out of my character, but she did it habitually. And still does, but she is preventing me from seeing what she posts.

That is my rant, thanks for reading.

Please document, document and document some more.

My brother's ex is a horrible mother to their children. His youngest begged to be allowed to live with him. Even with records of abusive texts, recorded abusive phone calls and a letter from his child asking to be allowed to live with my brother, all the judge did is order my brother and his ex wife to attend co-parenting classes. For the third time. I don't know why the judge thought a 3rd round of classes would work when the first two didn't, but that was what was ordered. And the custody stayed the same.

On the other hand, my former manager was able to obtain full custody of his child. His child's mother is mentally ill and said in court, in front of the judge, that she knew that my manager was working with the Secret Service to keep their child away from her. It was very apparent to everyone present that this woman did not need to be raising a child. Also, a friend of my family has full custody of his child, again because awarding full custody to the mother was deemed to not be in the best interest of the child. So yes, it can and does happen.

So please be sure to save everything.

Ideally your kids wouldn't be asked to testify in a custody hearing, but in your case it may be necessary.

Best of luck to you.

Your lawyer should be pushing you right now to start documenting her possessions, any money and bank accounts she has, cars, etc. You should also be documenting her leaving the children as best you can. Make sure you have the names of the sitters and contact numbers. Do not sign anything without having family court involved. You can go into family court right now and sue for custody. If you have both names on a bank account, you should take half your money out now because she can take it all. Get a different lawyer if he's dragging his feet. You need to be proactive now. You have to start building your case.

Please document, document and document some more.

 

My brother's ex is a horrible mother to their children. His youngest begged to be allowed to live with him. Even with records of abusive texts, recorded abusive phone calls and a letter from his child asking to be allowed to live with my brother, all the judge did is order my brother and his ex wife to attend co-parenting classes. For the third time. I don't know why the judge thought a 3rd round of classes would work when the first two didn't, but that was what was ordered. And the custody stayed the same.

 

On the other hand, my former manager was able to obtain full custody of his child. His child's mother is mentally ill and said in court, in front of the judge, that she knew that my manager was working with the Secret Service to keep their child away from her. It was very apparent to everyone present that this woman did not need to be raising a child. Also, a friend of my family has full custody of his child, again because awarding full custody to the mother was deemed to not be in the best interest of the child. So yes, it can and does happen.

 

So please be sure to save everything.

 

Ideally your kids wouldn't be asked to testify in a custody hearing, but in your case it may be necessary.

 

Best of luck to you.

I've been documenting. She is putting on a good show because she has to prove herself to her family and friends in the other state. She wants them to believe she is a well rounded individual. And she is quite the actress, she claims she pretended to be in love with me and happy with me for the last 6 or 7 of 11 years. And if that's not true, she is doing a good job of acting like she is happy with the separation. I know one of those is true, but not sure which. Maybe all of it, but I'm doubtful. It doesn't matter anymore though. I have no trust for her, so I am ready to move on. I just want to make sure our kids best interest is at heart no matter what.

That she would claim she was pretending to be happy for the last 6 or 7 years bothers me because our oldest is 6 going on 7. I wish I'd have had that conversation documented, but it was said during an early stage of the break-up.