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Fiancée broke the engagement - wants time to make sure it is not a mistake


Damyan

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Hello everyone,

 

I am here to tell my story and I am looking for some help. So, me and my fiancée have been together for 4.5 years. I am her first love and she is mine. She has never dated another guy before me, I just had a girl in highschool. We have always had the perfect relationship, no arguments, no moody behaviors. We have been through a lot. She is one year younger than me and after 1.5 years of dating I had to leave for the UK to study in the university. But we never broke up, we had a long distance relationship and it worked perfectly, we became even more inlove. The next year our dream came true and she came to study here as well and we moved in together. Obviously at the beginning we didn't know how to live with another person, but we managed pretty well. Everything was going great the first 1 year.

 

Then we got really busy with university and work and the stress from it we just started spending less time together. She sometimes wanted my time but I couldn't give it to her. I regret this so badly... Anyways, we were still happy, going on holidays all the time, going out a lot. Then a couple of months ago when we were again busy and not spending that much time together she started chatting with a friend from work. She has never given me a reason to be jealous so I wasn't and I trusted her. But this kept on for too long and I decided to read her chats. Well she didn't cheat on me or anything but she started to develop a crush on him. She was telling him that she loves me so much and she hates herself for allowing her to have feelings for someone else because she never wants to leave me or hurt me. When I saw the messages I went to her work and spoke to them. She was so deeply sorry and begged for a chance, I told her that I would have never broken up with her because she hasn't cheated, I just needed time. On the second day I managed to kiss her and everything was more or less normal. But after that, the next 3 weeks were a nightmare, I was totally different person, I was getting angry at her all the time, not wanting to touch her or kiss her... Telling her that I don't trust her(which isn't true). I was just a different person. She told me a couple of times that she can't go on like this anymore but I didn't listen. Then one day when I was angry again she just removed her ring and said that it is over. But we still live in one room and she still hugs me every night and we communicate like friends. A couple of days later she said that she just needs time to decide whether breaking up was the right thing. I had time to realize my mistakes and she had time to realize hers but we are still not together.

 

It has been almost 3 weeks sleeping next to her every night, wanting to have her, regretting miserably. We are perfect for each other with the same vision of the future. I don't know what to do, how to give her time but not lose her. In 3 weeks time I will leave for the summer, we will be seeing each other around every 2 weeks but will probably sleep in different rooms. We decided that whatever happens we will still live in the same house until we graduate. I don't know what to think and what to do. I know that she is the one, I want to make her believe that things will change. We have never ever had big arguments... Without her in the UK my life is pointless, she is all I have... She still says that she loves me but she doesn't know if we will be together. I know that I am young(22 and she is 21) but I never liked going out with different women. I believe that a man and woman should be together forever and love needs hard work. Any advice? Should I go no contact over the summer, should I still make her surprises, should I show her I love her... What should I do before the big conversation?

 

Sorry about the messy writing.

 

TLDR: My fiancée broke the engagement and said she needs time to decide what to do because we hurt each other. But we still live together, sleep together, chat like friends, go shopping etc.

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Sorry to hear this. What "big conversation" do you mean? Breaking up? Getting back together when you return from your summer vacation? It sounds like she's not ready to settle down even though you're playing house right now. It's unfair to tie her down at only 21 years old to your demands and beliefs "I believe that a man and woman should be together forever". Especially since you tied her down since she was a child at age 15. Being this possessive and jealous is unhealthy for you and especially for her.

 

This arrangement seems ridiculous if you've broken up and she wants to date others and you're sleeping in the same room/bed as roommates. Is this a dorm or room your share in a house? Are you going home for the summer? Do you really expect her to just hang around and wait the whole summer? Do yourself and her a favor and set her and yourself free. You both need to become less dependent on each other and develop more mature attitudes toward relationships. Is she from the UK? Are you? Or do you both study there and live in different countries?

In 3 weeks time I will leave for the summer, we will be seeing each other around every 2 weeks but will probably sleep in different rooms. We decided that whatever happens we will still live in the same house until we graduate.I know that I am young(22 and she is 21)
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Sorry to hear this. What "big conversation" do you mean? Breaking up? Getting back together when you return from your summer vacation? It sounds like she's not ready to settle down even though you're playing house right now. It's unfair to tie her down at only 21 years old to your demands and beliefs "I believe that a man and woman should be together forever". Especially since you tied her down since she was a child at age 15. Being this possessive and jealous is unhealthy for you and especially for her.

 

This arrangement seems ridiculous if you've broken up and she wants to date others and you're sleeping in the same room/bed as roommates. Is this a dorm or room your share in a house? Are you going home for the summer? Do you really expect her to just hang around and wait the whole summer? Do yourself and her a favor and set her and yourself free. You both need to become less dependent on each other and develop more mature attitudes toward relationships. Is she from the UK? Are you? Or do you both study there and live in different countries?

 

We are both from Bulgaria, we live 10min walk from each other. I have never been jealous or possessive. It was just the last 3 weeks because I was affected. She has always had freedom, what is more even now I don't call her/text her unless she does. I have given her full space, I just believe that we should be together and want to make everything possible to achieve that. I will be holding a summer internship in another city. She said that by the end of the internship we should either come back together or break up, which is a super long time to think about it... If it was for me I would be commuting every day. But she said she needs time so I told her I can come less often but we can still keep in touch. We share a room now, from July we will be in different rooms, it is a house with 5 people. She wanted to move out the first 2-3 days but than said that she won't because if we get back together it will be stupid and we agreed that we can share as friends if we don't make it work.

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Ok why don't you both use this time to think things over? In the meantime do not be roommates and get different rooms in July. If you want to date again, you still can without the stress and being together too much as roommates. People get sick of each other and start looking for things to escape the forced togetherness. That was a huge mistake and you should both live separately and develop more friends and independence. You'll both be better, more interesting people and you won't just be together because you need a roommate and clinging to your childhood. You'll be together because both of you want to be.

She said that by the end of the internship we should either come back together or break up. from July we will be in different rooms, it is a house with 5 people.
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Your perceptions of love and soul mates will hurt you greatly.

 

You guys are both young. Give her time and space. Don't force her to make a decision. Allow her to grow as a person. Spend time away. Go back to being friends. If it was meant to be, you will be in each other's circles and something may happen in the future.

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Damyan, it's probably best to just give her the space. The fact she was potentially thinking of another guy shows that there is probably something missing in the relationships that needs to be worked on...but give her space.

 

Exactly, we both spoke about the relationship and we are starting to reevaluate it. Both of us should have done many things differently. And I believe that realizing this and fixing it is the way to go. Because only people who truly love each other will admit that they were both wrong. When the 'crush' happened I asked why and she said that maybe because we started spending less time together. But I was so angry that I wouldn't listen... But at least she is not putting the blame only on me. I hope time heals, I feel like that we are so deeply connected that even if we break up after a couple months we will long for each other again. I hope I am not the only one feeling this way though... She doesn't show that she misses me, but when she falls asleep at night her body wants to be next to mine all night and she doesn't let go of me even though it is getting super hot and sweaty.

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She emotionally cheated on you.

 

You need to live separately, and maybe through time and independence. you can work things through.

 

I agree. She's a cheater for sure, at least emotionally, but it doesn't take much more for it to become physical. Lying also comes hand in hand with cheating. While you should never be violent or abusive, what did she expect for a reaction? No hard feelings towards her betrayal?

 

I'm not sure how you reacted exactly. Perhaps it could have been handled better if you two actually had space apart in order to clear your head before discussing the status of the relationship. I would definitely start now, after stating a disclaimer.

 

Personally, cheating while in a comitted relationship is an automatic dealbreaker for me. A cheater is likely to cheat again 3X more than someone who hasn't cheated before. Not really a risk I like to indulge in. It's not good for your health (emotionally, physically, mentally).

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Unfortunately, she seems to be realizing she isn't ready to settle down forever.

 

How you reacted after discovering she has feelings for someone else didn't help matters, but it isn't the core issue. The real problem is that she has probably outgrown your relationship. She is afraid to let go completely, because you are familiar and comfortable, but her heart isn't in the relationship at this point. I would guess that she really wants a break so she can explore her feelings for this other guy.

 

You very much need to take as much space as possible from her, too. If you two break up, do not continue living together. You will regret that.

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You know, I think you're dwelling on certain things and trying to gloss over certain things. You said:

 

"She sometimes wanted my time but I couldn't give it to her ... and not spending that much time together."

 

So you were ignoring her and she started to talk to someone at work. Is this the only friend she has in the UK? Did she have any girl friends? Did you allow her to go out by herself? She needed someone to talk to because you were ignoring her. And because she felt close to this guy, somehow this is considered cheating?

 

" I was getting angry at her all the time, not wanting to touch her or kiss her..."

 

"Then one day when I was angry again she just removed her ring and said that it is over. "

 

So you wrote that you were angry all the time, I'm guessing you're yelling, screaming, arguing and yelling. You forced her to break up with you even though you acknowledge she didn't actually cheat on you. And you blame her for breaking up with you? I think you need a little perspective on this.

 

I don't see you as innocent in all this. It seems to me you're trying to get sympathy for the situation that you caused. Add to this that she was only 15 when you met her, and it's quite possible you just outgrew each other. You're angry and she's lonely. Relationship ends. Get over it and move on.

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Bla bla bla. She started the crush because she wanted to.

 

So what happens when the two of you are apart again. She gets to blame you again.

 

There are times in life when everyone is busy and unable to spend the time we want with are SO. It’s never an excuse to cheat like your gf did.

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