Trust issues

Hi,

I am currently in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. The first 7 months were great. We went out a lot and really enjoyed each others company. We also got to know each other's past during this time. Me: My status was recently divorced, have 1 child, and went out on a few dates with one other person before I met my current boyfriend. The first person was never a hookup nor did it get any further than a few dates. It was just an interest that didn't go any where. My current partner: He's had several relationships that were broken up due to infidelity. His mother also cheated on his dad. So he has insecurities that run very deep for him.

So after the first 7 months with my current boyfriend, I never mentioned the first guy that I went out with after my divorce just because it never got to a point of intimacy or a committed relationship. I was just putting myself out there and testing the dating waters again as it's been a long time (12-13 yrs). At some point in a conversation, the name of the first guy came up. Immediately, I could sense the insecurities in him. He asked a lot of questions, detailed questions. He wanted specific calendar dates of when it started, when it ended, how it ended, how many dates we'd been on, if we had been intimate, things we talked about and so forth. I explained to him that nothing happend in that relationship and that it ended because I wasn't feeling it with him. He wanted to know why i wasn't upfront about this guy from the beginning. I explained that I didn't see any point in bringing it up because it never went any where and that I was just testing the waters. He didn't believe me and feels that I was just trying to cover something up. He believes I was seeing him and the other guy at the same time. He's distrusted me ever since this initial conversation.

Thereafter, every thing in the relationship spiraled out of control. He put a GPS tracking device on my car (without my knowledge), he pulled a background check on myself and the other guy, he's demanded to see all the contacts on my phone, all my texts, all my messages, he always accuses me of hiding behind my electronic devices to have conversations with other guys, he goes through my Facebook friends and questions who I have friended, he monitors when I am active on Facebook and what I post and he's secretly gotten into my email accounts without my knowledge. He's also discovered in pulling the background check that the other guy, that I haven't heard from in over a year, lives just about a mile away. So he assumes that I am sneaking to this other guys house or he is sneaking into my house when my boyfriend is not around. My boyfriend lives about 30-40 minutes away from me so it's not easy for him to check up on me. I haven't done anything he is accusing me of. Sometimes I just feel so hopeless because nothing I say or do convinces him otherwise. I love him dearly because we can have a great time but I would love him even more if he would stop all the accusations. We've been fighting about this one subject for over a year now. And now he is asking for access to my Ring (doorbell with a camera on it) account so that he can see who is coming and going from my house. He also asked for access to the security cameras inside the house as well. He says that if I have nothing to hide then it shouldn't be a problem and that it is about just being in an open and honest relationship. He is also saying that this would put his mind at ease since he doesn't live very close by. In exchange, he would do the same for me.

A part of me doesn't feel like I should have to do this, even though I absolutely have nothing to hide. I have been 100% faithful and committed to him but he just doesn't believe me. He's been pretty invasive in my opinion and now he wants access to all my cameras? I'm torn because, while i don't have anything to hide, I still feel like I have every right to defend my privacy just out of principle and respect. And the more I keep fighting it, the more he believes I'm hiding something. Am I over-reacting or over-thinking this? Should I just give him access even though I don't feel like I shouldn't have to? I'm almost 50 years old, I'm independent, I'm a strong woman and mother and I have done well for myself. All of the sudden I just feel so controlled by my boyfriend and I wouldn't normally let this happen. I just don't know if my judgement is being clouded by the things he says or if I am making something big out of nothing and it's eating me up inside.

Thoughts?

Shut this down asap. He's an abuser.

Holy Heck. This guy is a number #9 abuser.

You are questioning whether you are over reacting? You are currently under reacting while at the same time he is holding you hostage.

This guy will not get better and no amount of reassurance is going to feed this bottomless pit.

Matter of fact, his behavior will escalate.

The dude has issues. Educate yourself on controlling, insecure men. The internet is chock full of articles with his name on it.

I don't mean to be flip.

I could explain further, but all you need to know is this guy is incredibly toxic.

As Wiseman said, this is classic emotional abuse. If you Google emotional abuse and emotional dependency you will see what your boyfriend is doing to you. His anger, jealousy, accusations and extreme possessiveness is all designed to control and manipulate you. The aim is to destroy your self-esteem and your confidence until you become subservient and come to accept this extreme behavior as love or normalcy. The times when he's nice to you are just to soften you up even more and create the emotional dependency you're now demonstrating by saying that you love him dearly. If you were thinking clear, how could anyone love someone like this?

You have to break it off before the abuse develops even more and extends to other things. There's a reason his girlfriends have cheated on him -- the guy is a sociopath. I doubt whether he feels any real emotions. He probably drove them away with his craziness. You have to save yourself and get away from him. From what he's been doing, you may need a restraining order. Best to do it now than wait until later. Make sure you have some place to go if he starts stalking you. Call an abuse helpline for help if you need to. Make sure you remove all tracking devices so he can't follow you.

Do you have any tech savvy friends? It's quite obvious you need to end this and soon, but find someone who can help you cover your bases with all this GPS and digital monitoring **** in case this guy's the type to retaliate after a breakup. Also, document everything in the meantime.

Yeah for real, this is some creepy stalker status sh*t. Honestly, I would probably call a friend who is a police officer and ask for some help in making sure all of my accounts, cameras, etc were secure and tell this creep to never call me again. Seriously, I'm concerned for your safety and nothing in your post is okay or understandable.

Thank you all for the advice. I have done some on-line researching and I think it is time. I think I need to just let go as I don't see this situation getting better either. He doesn't think he has a problem.

I really appreciate all the feedback and advice. This was an eye-opener and was very helpful.

Thank you.