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How would you handle this situation with a FWB?


thornz

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Hi,

 

I have a companion who I spend a lot of time with (known each other 6 months). After work we went for pizza then went to his and he made himself food (i declined). I stole a the remainder of some chicken off his plate (rude I know but we have a rude sense of humour/dynamic). He didn’t take well to this at all and his reaction was far worse than I expected.

 

He tidied up a bit then went and sat away from me on the opposite chair. He barely spoke to me and in the end after about 2 hours I went to him and asked if he was still mad at me for eating his chicken, fully expecting he would have got over it. He was still sulking and said that I was often rude and obviously I didn’t realise how rude I was.

 

So at this point I was feeling very unwelcome in his house and didn’t see the point in being there if he’s going to ignore me and I certainly didn’t want to share a bed with him. I discreetly packed up my belongings without making a fuss and asked for a lift home. I thanked him for the lift home but didn’t give him a goodbye kiss as usual.

 

I think I will find some other things to occupy my time and back off a bit. I feel like I handled this situation ok, since I have real abandonment issues and usually I would have made a big scene and walked out when faced with behaviour that makes me feel rejected and unwelcome like this.

 

What do you think? Could I have responded better? I could have apologised perhaps but he was in one of those foul cant shake it off moods.

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I can't imagine it was just the chicken that bothered him. He did allude to other things annoying him when you tried to talk to him about it.

I think you handled this respectfully. You tried to make amends and left without incident. I guess the fact that this is a fwb situation means there isn't a foundation of love and commitment that might otherwise hold this together when the rubber hits the road.

You've done all you can do.

You mentioned he was in one of `his foul moods' Does this happen often and over trivial things like this? If so, I'd reconsider his company.

If you feel you want to continue give him a cooling off period. I don't know how often you communicate, but after a couple days you might reach out to him to see what kind of reception you get in return.

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It's interesting that you would do that with his food when you've posted about how much you hate when people help themselves to special food you bought. Also you took the rest- at least with me I often look forward to "the rest" and in our house my husband won't finish the entirety of a leftover if there might be any chance I still might want some. So yes he overreacted some but I'm surprised you made that choice.

 

With a sexual arrangement with a friend it's often precarious to begin with so I'm not surprised that something small like this could throw it off.

 

I wouldn't do anything more -he drove you home which was polite of him to do. I'm sorry it was a disappointing evening.

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Sounds a bit like the straw that broke the camel's back situation. You say that this rude thing is your dynamic, but it seems like he isn't quite on the same page given that he mentioned to you that you are rude too much too often?

 

I think that you handled things as well as can be under the circumstances, but after he has had time to cool off, you really should apologize sincerely and talk about things. Also, I do think that you should have apologized sincerely the moment you realized that he was upset about what you did instead of just sitting holding your ground waiting for him to get over it. It's possible he would have gotten over it, had you apologized and acknowledged wrongdoing quickly and your evening would have ended differently. It's amazing how much conflict can be resolved with a simple "I'm sorry." Either way, I do think you owe him an apology.

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I agree with reinvent. The chicken was probably a symptom of something much bigger. Unfortunately like she said there's no foundation, so being open and honest with one another probably isn't happening which will lead to situations like this when you're confused and unsure how to proceed.

 

I got nothing.

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I know a few people for whom you just don’t mess with their food. They happen to all be men. He offered your own plate, you decline, and then take his. Why? Idk what to tell you except it appears you’ve discovered a major pet peeve and maybe he did overreact some, but likely was super annoyed. Maybe you took the piece he was saving for last? I know it may seem silly to you or others but he certainly didn’t find it funny. Is this the first time he’s called you rude?

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I'd be upset if someone took the last of my meal as well, particularly if you declined food when he offered it to you. Why not just ask for a bite in the beginning of his chow down?

 

I'm very surprised that you didn't listen to what he was telling you and offer to change the behavior in you he finds rude. Apparently You think you have a "rude sense of humor/dynamic" but him? Not so much.

 

You've apologized, not much else you can do now but wait and see if this was indeed the straw that broke the camels back or not.

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I think you handled the situation fine. However, FWBs usually have an expiration date which appears to be the case here.

 

Yeah, I've never met anyone who has had the same FWB for years and years. I'm guessing he was growing disinterested for a while and this incident might have been the "straw that broke the camel's back." Don't take it personally. If you didn't steal the chicken, anything else might have set him off.

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Other than what others have said, what jumps out at me is your choice to eat the last of his chicken with it in mind that it is ok because 'we have a rude sense of humour/dynamic'.

 

One thing I've observed in my life is how little acts of disrespect and rudeness eat away at relationships, regardless of how close you are and/or the understanding you may feel there is about it being ok or normal or even a way to show affection .

 

I'd really highly suggest cutting out thinking rudeness and little acts of disrespect are acceptable under any circumstances.

 

I've seen people who got used to thinking it's ok and the norm, so they do it with people they like and even love . And then one day someone treats them with none of that, and it's like they light up and suddenly start opening up. Fact is, it's just hard to build trust and safety when there is continually little cut downs all the time.

 

Yes, this is about an fwb situation, not a relationship built to last. But it's amazing the traction you can get when you stop making excuses for not treating people with a high level of respect and courtesy , and instead be ok to work on gaining those skills and being vulnerable to the feelings that may come up when you stop hiding behind that wall of always trying to protect yourself first.

 

Good job on exiting though without feeding into it.. that was progress for you, so that's a good thing .

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He told you plain as day. You're too rude and are acting that way too often.

 

The chicken off his plate? Rude, and whatever else similar behaviors you do. Obviously at one point you thought it was funny and that he as okay with it but he is telling you in no uncertain terms that he isn't okay with it.

 

Don't change for anyone else's sake but your own, stop being rude. It's not cute, it's not funny and it won't get you anywhere.

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He told you plain as day. You're too rude and are acting that way too often.

 

The chicken off his plate? Rude, and whatever else similar behaviors you do. Obviously at one point you thought it was funny and that he as okay with it but he is telling you in no uncertain terms that he isn't okay with it.

 

Don't change for anyone else's sake but your own, stop being rude. It's not cute, it's not funny and it won't get you anywhere.

 

Hi Sherry, I find most often he calls me rude when I respond negatively to his rudeness. The most recent example prior to this, was a few days before, I came over to see him, he answered the door with his headphones on and looked at me blankly, I went into the living room and realised I’d forgotten something so said I’d be back, went to the car, grabbed my item and came back in, he still listening to music. I went to the kitchen and started preparing the food I had brought and left him to his music or film or whatever. To me, answering the door without a greeting whilst listening to music is exceptionally rude. He later came to the kitchen for a kiss, which I didn’t want (I’m not overly affectionate with a FWB), and he started saying how rude I was because I didn’t greet him with a kiss at the door. I told him it’s rude to sit with your headphones on when you have a guest.

 

I actually try very hard not to be rude, I’m not naturally amiable and polite but since we met he’s always got a little kick out of winding me up (by his own admission) and so there’s never been any real respect from the start. One of the reasons why I would never consider him more than a FWB.

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Hi everyone, thanks for your responses, I think you’re right it has run it’s course and given our differences that’s to be expected.

 

In regards to him not enjoying my being rude and disrespectful, that is perfectly understandable, however it’s a dynamic he created and I went along with. He openly admits to purposely winding me up and I have told him on a few occasions his behaviour has been rude and embarrassing.

 

I think the advice to always be polite and respectful is good advice and perhaps I should dig deeper to remind myself of my values when in the company of those with different values to myself.

 

I think we spent too much time together anyway so this is a kick up the butt to not engage in codependent style relationships.

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Hi everyone, thanks for your responses, I think you’re right it has run it’s course and given our differences that’s to be expected.

 

In regards to him not enjoying my being rude and disrespectful, that is perfectly understandable, however it’s a dynamic he created and I went along with. He openly admits to purposely winding me up and I have told him on a few occasions his behaviour has been rude and embarrassing.

 

I think the advice to always be polite and respectful is good advice and perhaps I should dig deeper to remind myself of my values when in the company of those with different values to myself.

 

I think we spent too much time together anyway so this is a kick up the butt to not engage in codependent style relationships.

 

No one can wind you up unless you choose it -own your reactions and choices. If that was the dynamic you had the option to not see him or walk away or take a deep breath and pause and re-center yourself. I'm not saying the chicken was a big deal but if that is your attitude in general I'd work on a different mindset with more ownership of your choices. You say you went along with it - yes, in an active ,not a passive way and each time you can make a different choice. Also why would you be friends with someone let alone have sex with someone who is rude and embarrassing?

 

Yes, part of manners is practice and "trying not to be rude" as you put it. Most of it is an internal sense of meaning well, of wanting others to be comfortable around you whether stranger or friend, and basic common sense once you give a darn. If you don't feel that way generally - a basic sense of human respect and thoughtfulness, nothing over the top (and we all get cranky, and we can all choose when we're cranky to double up the efforts/create space between us and others where we might slip and subject someone else to your negativity, etc) - just basic stuff. And nitpicking about the small stuff -headphones and a kiss, etc just creates a negative atmosphere -maybe pick your battles a bit more?

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I actually try very hard not to be rude, I’m not naturally amiable and polite but since we met he’s always got a little kick out of winding me up (by his own admission) and so there’s never been any real respect from the start. One of the reasons why I would never consider him more than a FWB.

 

Hmmm, the bold is not passing the sniff test for me. You're not on the friends board posting about angering a friend. You're on the dating board trying to figure out how to mend a friendship that lacks boundaries and respect. Come on, does that even add up to you?

 

Us women, we have it pretty good, it's not hard for us to find men to have a purely sexual relationship with. Surely you can find a sex partner that doesn't include the soap opera dramatics... again you're trying to fix a friendship that lacks boundaries and respect, if there's no attachment beyond a broken friendship and meaningless sex what's the point? Drop it.

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"One thing I've observed in my life is how little acts of disrespect and rudeness eat away at relationships, regardless of how close you are and/or the understanding you may feel there is about it being ok or normal or even a way to show affection ."

 

In one culture -I think it maybe Indian culture (and please forgive me if I am wrong), one is supposed to treat one's spouse like a "stranger" and that is meant in the sense of being formal/polite/courteous - so that you don't make excuses for being too comfortable and losing the level of respect and manners in that familiar environment. For met that's a bit too far but in general I like the sentiment to keep that in mind. It's kind of like how people are so used to seeing movies at home that when they go to a movie theater or even to see a live performance certain people think it's ok to talk/make noise/text as if they're at home.

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It falls under "Say what you mean, mean what you say". If you say you don't want his food, don't take his food. I would be annoyed too. I wouldn't sulk about it. I would make sure it didn't happen again. I've had a similar experience. The next time we went out I insisted on getting her her own dessert. She replied, "No I'll just have some of yours". I said "no you won't." Not that abruptly, but you get the picture.

 

Anyways, enough about me.

 

You're not a good match. You obviously don't share the same rude sense of humour/dynamic. Personally I've never found rudeness the least bit funny in any context.

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Hi Sherry, I find most often he calls me rude when I respond negatively to his rudeness. The most recent example prior to this, was a few days before, I came over to see him, he answered the door with his headphones on and looked at me blankly, I went into the living room and realised I’d forgotten something so said I’d be back, went to the car, grabbed my item and came back in, he still listening to music. I went to the kitchen and started preparing the food I had brought and left him to his music or film or whatever. To me, answering the door without a greeting whilst listening to music is exceptionally rude. He later came to the kitchen for a kiss, which I didn’t want (I’m not overly affectionate with a FWB), and he started saying how rude I was because I didn’t greet him with a kiss at the door. I told him it’s rude to sit with your headphones on when you have a guest.

 

I actually try very hard not to be rude, I’m not naturally amiable and polite but since we met he’s always got a little kick out of winding me up (by his own admission) and so there’s never been any real respect from the start. One of the reasons why I would never consider him more than a FWB.

 

Maybe this is a good example to take a look at how you could have address it differently? Your go to reaction to him was to take it personally, get offended and retaliate in a passive aggressive kind of way which then lead to further conflict and left neither of you particularly happy.

 

Here is a different perspective. I'd have read his behavior as not personal, but a person in need of a little personal space even though the evening and me coming over there was planned. Life happens, maybe he had a bad day, whatever. I'd wouldn't have reacted to it at all and left him to come out of it and come around when he is ready. That's actually what he finally did with you.

 

Also, when you don't like a behavior and do want to address it, there are other ways of doing it - directly, gently, kindly, with humor, etc. The least constructive and most destructive is passive aggressive retaliation. I didn't like that you had headphones on and didn't really greet me properly at the door, so now I'm not going to be affectionate with you and reject your kiss later.

 

Food for thought.

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By the sounds of it, he is quite rude as well and you two are bad influences on each other.

 

What you need to do, Thornz, is to ask yourself if this person is bringing you any happiness anymore and if the bad outweighs the good.

 

Once you know those answers truthfully, then you will know what to do.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

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  • 3 weeks later...
By the sounds of it, he is quite rude as well and you two are bad influences on each other.

 

What you need to do, Thornz, is to ask yourself if this person is bringing you any happiness anymore and if the bad outweighs the good.

 

Once you know those answers truthfully, then you will know what to do.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

 

Yes absolutely, he is very rude, it’s quite embarrassing at times.

 

I was around at his today and he had a strop because I didn’t drive him to the supermarket like he wanted, he then moved himself away from me to the opposite side of the room. Then after a while he went upstairs, after about an hour I thought I would go see if he’d fallen down the toilet. He was sat on his bed on his phone. I asked what he was doing, he looked at me and shrugged sulkily. I said I was going home and left.

 

Yes we are definitely bad influences on each other. My long time friends wouldn’t dream of being so rude and I wouldn’t be rude in return either. He shows me no respect and tries to push and guilt me into doing things I don’t want to. Time to find a new companion.

 

Thanks

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Hmmm, the bold is not passing the sniff test for me. You're not on the friends board posting about angering a friend. You're on the dating board trying to figure out how to mend a friendship that lacks boundaries and respect. Come on, does that even add up to you?

 

Us women, we have it pretty good, it's not hard for us to find men to have a purely sexual relationship with. Surely you can find a sex partner that doesn't include the soap opera dramatics... again you're trying to fix a friendship that lacks boundaries and respect, if there's no attachment beyond a broken friendship and meaningless sex what's the point? Drop it.

 

I didn’t once ask how to fix a broken relationship. I asked if my response to his behaviour was appropriate.

 

Also I don’t engage in meaningless sex. As you say, if that’s what I wanted I could just go out and get it but sex with people I don’t know much has no appeal to me at all. We rarely have sex.

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I didn’t once ask how to fix a broken relationship. I asked if my response to his behaviour was appropriate.

 

Also I don’t engage in meaningless sex. As you say, if that’s what I wanted I could just go out and get it but sex with people I don’t know much has no appeal to me at all. We rarely have sex.

 

You don't have meaningless sex then this FWB is not meaningless sex. I feel like we're saying the same thing....

 

I have a bad habit of reading between the lines. It tends to bother people, especially those who don't want to get off the crazy train.

 

There doesn't seem to be any foundation for a friendship here, he doesn't treat you well. Many women who are in FWB tend to delude themselves into thinking/believing they aren't attached when they are. Again no foundation for friendship, he treats you bad, why continue?

 

 

 

Yes absolutely, he is very rude, it’s quite embarrassing at times.

 

I was around at his today and he had a strop because I didn’t drive him to the supermarket like he wanted, he then moved himself away from me to the opposite side of the room. Then after a while he went upstairs, after about an hour I thought I would go see if he’d fallen down the toilet. He was sat on his bed on his phone. I asked what he was doing, he looked at me and shrugged sulkily. I said I was going home and left.

 

Yes we are definitely bad influences on each other. My long time friends wouldn’t dream of being so rude and I wouldn’t be rude in return either. He shows me no respect and tries to push and guilt me into doing things I don’t want to. Time to find a new companion.

 

Thanks

 

Yes, it absolutely is. Good for you.

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You don't have meaningless sex then this FWB is not meaningless sex. I feel like we're saying the same thing....

 

I have a bad habit of reading between the lines. It tends to bother people, especially those who don't want to get off the crazy train.

 

There doesn't seem to be any foundation for a friendship here, he doesn't treat you well. Many women who are in FWB tend to delude themselves into thinking/believing they aren't attached when they are. Again no foundation for friendship, he treats you bad, why continue?

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, it absolutely is. Good for you.

 

You referred to meaningless sex. I’ve never suggested this was meaningless. A FWB situation is not meaningless sex otherwise why choose to associate beyond the sex?

 

You didn’t read between the lines you put words into my mouth and essentially called me dishonest. I imagine that would bother a lot of people.

 

No delusion going on here. Given my social predicament and mental health I think having a friend who has their own issues is better than having nobody and spending all your time alone. He has dyspraxia which could account for a lot of his behaviour. I’m not certain what allowances I should make for this.

 

He messaged me today as if nothing had happened yesterday. I told him he made me feel unwelcome with his behaviour and I didn’t want to associate with someone who treated me like that. He apologised and said he thought I wanted space and when he went upstairs he felt a sudden overwhelming sense of depression and when I asked he didn’t know how to express what he was feeling so he just shrugged.

 

I was thinking yesterday that I’ve made a lot of improvement on my self esteem and interpersonal skills and that by choosing to associate with people who also have poor interpersonal skills and are rude, perhaps I’m undoing my work. Or perhaps I’m presenting myself with an opportunity to improve further? Who knows. I think when I was with my ex it was a bit of both. At the time the progress I was making was absolutely worth the kick in the teeth when he ended it. I grew so much in that year.

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You referred to meaningless sex. I’ve never suggested this was meaningless. A FWB situation is not meaningless sex otherwise why choose to associate beyond the sex?

 

You didn’t read between the lines you put words into my mouth and essentially called me dishonest. I imagine that would bother a lot of people.

 

I feel you are being dishonest. Not necessarily with me but with yourself. Sex outside of a relationship is supposed to be meaningless. Yes, even in friends with benefits situations. This is why these situations always have an expiration date, because you simply cannot have sex with someone, gain an emotional attachment and keep the status quo.

 

You are attaching relationship standards to a friend. Crossing that boundary, which is a natural progression when having sex with someone you have feelings for.

 

 

 

No delusion going on here. Given my social predicament and mental health I think having a friend who has their own issues is better than having nobody and spending all your time alone. He has dyspraxia which could account for a lot of his behaviour. I’m not certain what allowances I should make for this.

 

He messaged me today as if nothing had happened yesterday. I told him he made me feel unwelcome with his behaviour and I didn’t want to associate with someone who treated me like that. He apologised and said he thought I wanted space and when he went upstairs he felt a sudden overwhelming sense of depression and when I asked he didn’t know how to express what he was feeling so he just shrugged.

 

 

 

Soooo, you want friends who have issues?

.

 

Whatever again your prerogative. No matter your mental state, there is no excuse to treat people badly.

 

If I lash out at a friend because I'm having a bad day, that doesn't make me a bad friend. If I lash out pretend nothing happened and then I do it again, and again, now I'm a bad friend.

 

If I have irritable bowel syndrome and I explain to my friend ahead of time I may have to cancel our outing because I'm having a flare up, Im not a bad friend.

 

If I say nothing and just don't show up, yes I have a legitimate reason, but that doesn't make me any less of a bad friend.

 

To me, it seems like you're attaching to someone in an unhealthy way for unhealthy reasons. He treats you badly, and from the sounds of it, you have some boundary issues yourself, you bring out not so good qualities in one another, why continue?

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