Mother Disowned adult son- Never thoguht this could happen.

I am looking for some advice and I apologize this will be a little long but at a loss for what to do. I am 34 married with 2 beautiful daughters and a great wife and one more on the way. Financially things are great just got a promotion and a transfer to Texas which is a great opportunity. I had to move to Texas early and the wife and kiddos stayed behind while we sold the house. Because the market I'm in is so crazy we cant close on a house until July 4th. We had talked to both sets of parents and they said we could stay at both houses as much as we want no issue. Previously we have been a tight knit family on both sides although there are some underlying issues. When my wife contacted my mother about plans and coordinating days off and which house to stay at (my mother is a nurse who works 3 days week) and said that, in a very snarky text and with some mildly rude comments it would have been nice to know the plan ahead of time, why didn't you call me, you just plan with your parents against us, how dare you demand to stay here, crazy stuff out of the blue, etc. This was all planned so that both sets of grandparents would have equal time with the girls at their house. My wife being 5 months pregnant took it hard, after 7 years of trying to impress my mother and didn't argue.

my wife didn't respond rudely and we decided to just let it sit versus trying to antagonize her. Honestly there may have been a communication error but everything was equal, as it always is when we go home to stay with grandparents.

After discussing privately with my father what the issue was Monday morning I received a horrible text from my mother. For some background.

My wife and I met, dated six months, and were pregnant in 8 months before we were married. Very unplanned but because I am catholic and I loved my wife we made it work. It was not easy at first as my mother was a bit of a narcissist always but bearable but she never approved of my wife for a couple reasons. First her parents, while very middle class and owners of a small family restaurant in a big city, are not college educated. They are kind, caring people who have always been nothing but supportive of us and have helped in any way possible. One of the biggest issues is that at the time we got married, they were opening a new restaurant and had all their cash buried in it so my wife and I paid for our own wedding. It was a huge deal for my mom and she is very traditional and she would say how can a man not pay for his only daughters wedding, theyre poor white trash, etc. Not a big deal to me ive been very blessed with a great engineering career and was happy to do it and my in laws helped as much as they could. Basically they put up 6K for our 45-50k wedding, again not a huge deal but was always a sense of hate for my mother. In addition my wife did not finish her four year degree. She finished a 2 year associates and was an LPN and made pretty good money but for my mother she was never good enough as both my parents have 4 year degrees.

I never asked but my parents offered to help with the wedding and paid for the rehearsal dinner. That was the only assistance.

SO back to the current situation after a little background. this Monday my mother sent me a 2 page text of the most vile things a person could say especially to her son and disowned me. She has had some blowups in the past but after a cooling off period we always just pretend that nothing happened, which is terrible practice but it always went back to normal.

This time she called my wife a trashy that I'm the biggest disappointment in the world and that we are godless people and she is embarrassed that my wife a piece of trash is in our family and not motivated and never cooks or cleans and is the worst mother in the world.

In addition she brought up all the old stuff from the wedding.

To speak honestly while I love my wifes parents they are a little rough around the edges but as mentioned are great people. In addition my wife has been baptized catholic, and is the most caring, kind and loving mother that a man could ask for for his children. We have worked really hard after starting out from a tough position and I am really proud of our children, our faith and our family.

To complicate matters, as I have never been especially close with my mother because she has always only cared about herself and her perception and being the focus of everything, my father and I are very close. This last spring he was diagnosed with Prostate cancer which was a huge surprise. He has undergone Chemo and everything is going well and in remission.

After my mother sent the horrible text after cooling off I replied that I love her no matter what I don't know what is going on but lets talk and figure this out I love you but we need to establish some rules for how you treat and talk to my wife and she works her butt off raising the kids so please try and be kind to her and respect her.

She sent an even more vile message that cursed me up and down blamed me for not being around for my dad and again attacking my wife and demanding to see the grandkids when we come back to town. This time it was expletive laced and she confirmed that she never ever wanted to see me or my wife again. I spent most of Monday night crying, which was horrible.

I finally just said that I love her but I cant continue to deal with these horrible outbursts and that has been the end of the communication.

for the last 7 years we always have to tip toe around my mother and my wife tries really hard to impress her, I don't think I can allow her to continue on this. Its so tough because I'm so close with my father but I cant allow my children to be around my mother when she is so hateful. I'm not sure where it Is coming from. In addition its terrifying to think we may not see my folks anymore.

Any advice is appreciated and I'm sure everybody says this but I'm crushed my mother doesn't want to have anything to do with me let alone the thought of not being able to be there for my dad.

Thanks for reading.

Hey jdc5756,

I can't offer much by way of advice; I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you. It's a painful and difficult situation to be in. I think you have done the right thing by standing up to your mother and saying that the communication cannot continue on those terms. This situation is obviously difficult on multiple levels, both with regard to your wifes relationship with your mother, and your own.

Personally, I believe that parent-child relationships naturally need to be redefined once children enter adulthood, with children asserting themselves as equals and peers, rather than dependants. For some, this is a painless and natural transition; however, where there are underlying issues in the relationship, this can be messy. Hopefully, in the end, everything works out. But, as with anyone, sometimes the issues run deep. All I can say is that you seem to be a well-adjusted, kind and thoughtful person. Be that person, and you will be OK.

In more practical terms, I don't see why your mother's meltdown necessarily means your father needs to suffer. Speak to him privately, if possible, and simply let him know that you still love your mother and him, and that you want them as part of your lives, however your mother's current actions and discourse prevents her from being so at the moment. That you understand it's a difficult situation for him, but that he is still welcome to interact in whatever way he is comfortable, whether visiting, or via skype, or by letters. Leave that door open for him, but try to make it clear that you are not burdening him with 'fixing' it. And then go from there. When/if your mother comes around and wants to patch things up, be open but firm. Redefine the relationship so she knows that you and your wife are equals and deserve her respect.

That's just my first take, and not based on much experience. I just wanted to give something constructive in what undoubtedly seems like a dire situation.

T

Well, when someone says narcissist, that means emotional abuser. There is no reason you have to take this kind of abuse. Your mother is mentally troubled and until she seeks therapy or meds, you must stay away from her and keep the children away from her. Try to contact your father when you can, but unless your mother apologizes and welcomes you back into her home, follow her edict and end your relationship with her. She will only be hurting herself. My father had a mother like this, and she was so vile, trying to set the brothers against each other and insulting their wives, that one by one, they disowned her. She lived a long time, and when she finally died, very few people showed up at the funeral. That was her reward. Your mother sounds very similar. I know it's a hard thing to do, but I think it's for the best for your family to cut contact with her.

I would say since you have emotionally abused me and disowned me and emotionally abused my wife I cannot trust you around my children as you might emotionally abuse them as well. So no ,you won’t be seeing your grandchildren . Because I can’t trust you .

Excellent that you stick to your wife and can identify these problems. Agree that some firm boundaries are in order. Are you an only child or her only son? Was she always a social climber? You can't change her you can only change your boundaries and interaction. Do not defend yourself or your wife, this gives time to her nonsense, which is what she wants. Instead' if you speak and she starts any direct or indirect disrespect for you or your family, simply say 'this conversation is over' and hang up. This trains her in a Pavlov's dog style of training where she is not rewarded with your attention when she disrespects you. Do not be manipulated and do not get dragged into drama.

It would also be good to shield your children from her. She is quite toxic and she could through innuendo or comments put trash in their minds or poison them to her sick ways. Not as punishment but as protection, stop your kids from being with her. Also stop asking for any favors including house sitting or baby sitting or whatever. Ask your wife to stop communicating with her altogether. Your wife should not be stuck dealing with her, it's bad for her and the kids. It's your job to manage her and respect and protect your wife and kids from her. Just like a toxic waste dump, you need to cordon off this situation for damage control.

She sounds histrionic, like my MIL.

As much as you want them in your lives (like the Hallmark Channel), you cannot enable her behavior by responding to her crazy contact. You cannot expose your children to someone who thinks like this, and you will have no idea what she will do or say to the kids or your wife. Even when you want to keep the peace, you will break your back, and will not be able to with someone like this.

Craziness aside, but I'm sorry, but your mom is a acting flat-out selfish and emotionally abusive. You can just call your dad directly, and have him enter your name in as someone else in his phone, or have him call when she is not around.

She will say she wants nothing to do with you, but I guarantee she will spend endless time texting, emailing, calling to prove how superior she is, and how inferior you are. Don't believe her for one bit.

Here's a thread that includes my details: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=450282

Haven't spoken to her since fall of 2011, has never met my two boys, and I do not ever plan to have them meet unless she magically becomes sane and stable, but she has life-long issues. And it's my job to protect my kids, and your job to protect your family.

Good luck. She will probably soon start filling up your voicemail; very typical with people who are histrionic.