Not Ready

Hi,

I'm 34 (today) and dated this girl for about 6 months up until 2 and a half years ago. She's 26 now. Our relationship moved very fast. We both fell hard for each other, and she talked often of wanting a future with me and seeing herself marrying me. This girl is complicated. She's bi-polar, her mother died in an accident when she was 11, and her Dad wasn't around. Her older brother raised her. She dated the same guy off and on from high school and dumped him at the time to date me, right after she met me (the next day). As good as things were between us, she never cut him off, and our relationship ended because she lied about seeing him. This already sounds like I'm better off and should move on, but we had/have a connections I have never found elsewhere. She's a very, very attractive girl, but I'm also a good looking guy that's successful and receives a lot of female options. I have only wanted her though. When we dated, her life as a single mom (daughter is now 5) was chaotic. In the past few years, she's settled into a nice career, bought a nice home, etc. She's grown a lot.

In January she reached out out of the blue and said that every guy she dates she compares to me and nobody compares. She said she was very sorry about hurting me and hoped it wasn't too late for us. When I said I'd be interested in rebuilding and starting fresh, she then backed off in the coming days and said she thought she was ready but wasn't. Last week she came over. I had a great talk with her. She apologized more, I gave a speech that sounded like from a movie, and she lunged to kiss me and started crying. We did sleep together that night, but our conversations and the way she would touch me and look at me...sparks were flying and it was like old times. She recalled all these little details and memories of our time together before I couldn't believe she remembered. But, she said she "wished she could meet me 5 years from now." She said she doesn't want to rush things and still doesn't know if she's ready, and that if we moved too fast before she was that she feared it only would ruin the future for us. She said she refuses to hurt me again. The next day, she gushed over how great our night was, how I make her smile and feel so warm, etc, etc. I asked her out for last weekend, but she said she already had plans. Her plans were going to a church picnic with the same off and on again ex she dumped for me but still saw behind my back. She told me he has a girlfriend now and they were all there with mutual friends.

So, it seems "not ready" is simply not ready to commit to just me. I know all this sounds like I should just run for the hills. I'm forgiving, and the past is the past. She didn't commit to me this time around, so seeing her ex last weekend isn't a violation of trust. But she essentially chose him over me. Am I dead in the water? I'm in love, and I know she loves me. Not just her words, but what I experienced last week. Do I just back off and give her space and let her come to me? She told me last week that she saw herself spending her life with me ultimately...and if not me a guy just like me. Her ex is nothing like me, and she says as much.

You dated her for 6 months and she ended it 2 1/2 years ago?

Just wanted to make sure I read this right.

There are a lot of things that could be going on here, but in 6 months time you didn't really know this woman.

You are hung up on the fantasy that you created. It's no wonder no one compares. That and she left while you were still on your high of infatuation. That's a long way to fall..

So, she shows up and bails again. At what point do you take her off of her fantasy pedestal and refuse to be not much more than an option for her?

At the risk of going off on some psycho babble. . Things point towards your own unavailability. It's said that people who want what they can't have and turn away from what's in front of them have issues with intimacy. When water seeks it's own level you are attracted to people just like yourself. She's made herself just out of reach for you and the dance continues.

At some point you will look back at the wasted best years of life with regret.

You dated her for 6 months or 2 1/2 years? I’m confused.

I agree with the assessment that you are drawn to people who are emotionally unavailable. What you are experiencing is not a real connection. It's wanting what you can't have. However, you have already gone down that path before and have seen how it plays out... It's your choice, but the definition of insanity is repeating the same behaviour and expecting a different result. At this point you are making informed choices and you are not getting any younger...Imo, she is not that into you and she never was. You are being used as a rebound.

Nothing has changed! She will be the same in five years. Block, delete and move on.

You also need address your attraction to unavailable and dramatic women. It sounds like you are emotionally unavailable and need t o understand this issue.

Sounds like it was a female booty call. They do it better than men. It's usually more romantic and emotional. But in the end, it's the same result. Just forget it ever happened and move on.

She's using you for attention and an ego boost. Everytime she clicks her fingers,you're right where she wants you to be. It's like instant gratification for her. She doesn't truly care and clearly was using you. Please block her.

Yes, this is dead in the water.

The past isn't the past with her - she's still as emotionally unstable and chaotic now as she was then. She came to you for attention and affection, probably because she's not getting it from her ex, and you fell for it.

She didn't come back for the right reasons, OP. You need to extricate yourself from this. If you stick around, do so with the knowledge that you're going to be constantly riding this silly roller coaster and competing with her ex for her attention.