Do I tell my husband that my ancient ex is contacting me?

I am working on trying to be a more trustworthy wife. I have never cheated on my husband but I have not always disclosed some things to my him if I thought it would upset him. He already worries that I don't tell him everything. That's true, I still don't, and I struggle with that.

Now I'm asking for advice on how I should handle unwanted text messages from a long-ago ex.

In the early stages of dating my husband, I was nonchalant about the fact that I had dated guys before him. I didn't bother to hide that fact. I had gifts and letters around the house from previous men, their numbers still in my phone. I had simply forgotten about these things. When he found them he thought I was holding onto these things out of sentiment or something. (He also thought I was too flirty with other guys while we were dating.) Basically, he had some trust issues with me. Eventually we moved past those struggles. I learned to be more conscientious of those things.

So what happens if the past resurfaces?

Before I met my husband, when I was 21-23 years old, I had a single serious relationship with a person whom I lived with for less than a year. We broke up and I was well over him by the time I met my current husband at age 26.

Once, in the early stages of dating my husband, my ex called me at work, completely out of the blue. He must have gotten my number from my office's website. It was so weird and awkward, and kind of troubling to me. I told my now husband right away about it. He was so upset then, and even seemed angry with me for telling him. He seemed to think that my telling him indicated that the incident was more meaningful than it was. It wasn't meaningful to me, I just thought it would be important for him to know! That was over 8 years ago.

Fast forward to just 2 years ago. This same ex found me on Instagram and sent me a private message. He seemed to just be saying hi, and he wanted to catch up on the phone. I have no strong feelings about this ex. I nicely told him he looked great in his pictures (I had to look through his account to figure out who it was!) and I was glad he was doing well, and sure, I'd call him sometime. Nothing specific. Then I changed my mind and decided I didn't want to keep in touch with this ex. I didn't even want a catch-up phone call. I never told my husband any of this but I did ask a female friend for advice. On the one hand, can't you be nice to exes and give them the time of day? But on the other hand, shouldn't my respect for my marriage override consideration for this guy?

Since then, every 5 months or so, this ex has sent me messages on Instagram. He follows my account and has "liked" a few photos. I have not ever responded to him since the first one. I delete all his messages. The more recent messages have gotten stranger, sadder, more frequent, saying things about how I'm the "perfect woman" and such nonsense. The last message, though, sounded so sad and like he was trying to guilt me into responding. He said something about being sorry he "wasn't enough of a man for me." We were 22-23 when we were together. I'm 38 now. He is such ancient history to me!

Now, I don't know if I should tell my husband about these texts. And there's another thing. I'm starting to worry that this ancient ex is going through some hard times and I could be making it worse by ignoring him. Is he going to try harder to reach me? Is he going to get my phone number again somehow and call me up out of the blue? What if he found out where I lived and showed up?

My ex might even still have old photos and videos of us being intimate. This was before smart phones, back when everything was on real film and VHS tapes. I never specifically asked my ex to get rid of those, I just hoped he did. I wish I had never allowed them to be made, but at the time I was young and so stupidly in love I thought we were going to be forever. I feel scared that he may still have those pictures and videos we made back then. Uck.

It sounds like this ex does not have good intentions and is causing you some anxiety.

I would wish him the best and tell him out of respect for your husband that you will not longer have contact with him.

He is being emotionally manipulative. He does not care about your well being and is not trying to be your friend. If he was he wouldn't be dumping this nonsense on a married ex gf several years after the fact.

His well being or stability is not your concern. As you labelled it, ancient, reinforces that.

I wouldn't share this with your husband at this point, especially in light of his reactions in the past, but I would definitely squash it.

If for what ever reason this ex causes you further trouble, only then do you involve your husband.

But to continue engaging this guy over some imagined threat or upsetting your marriage over something that should never have gone this far to begin with is unwise.

It's unclear why you haven't block him from messaging apps and social media unless you enjoy the attention. Also why tell your husband this nonsense unless you want the drama just like last time? The bigger question is what's going on in the marriage/your life that you feel compelled to mention all this nonsense again rather than just blocking the guy?

Agree, it seems you are stirring up exaggerated drama for attention from your husband that you may feel lacks and this may be the same reason you haven't blocked this ex.:

I told my now husband right away about it. He was so upset then, and even seemed angry with me for telling him. He seemed to think that my telling him indicated that the incident was more meaningful than it was.

What benefit do you think it would be to your husband if you told him? You're a grown woman perfectly capable of asserting your relationship's boundaries from your end without dumping whatever arbitrary guilt or feelings you have about it onto your husband. I've had exes message me. If I'm friendly with them, I talk to them. If I'm not, I don't. If they insist on pressing, they get blocked. I don't present an itemized list of it to my fiancee not because I'm hiding anything, but because there's no reason to know. In many cases, you only burden your partner by leaving them wondering why exactly you felt compelled to tell them something like that, and the motivations they ponder are often more concerning than the information itself.

Why don't you block this ex and move on with your life? I would have sent the guy a message a long time ago, before things escalated to this extent, that I'm not interested and do not appreciate the contact as it's completely inappropriate in my book, that I'm happily married and expect him to respect that, and then I'd block him. Whatever issues you think he has, is not your problem.

Also, I can kind of see why your husband has been upset with you in the past and has trust issues. You don't seem to have a very good handle on how to created and enforce proper boundaries with men. Time to learn. I would hope your marriage is more important to you than some ex.

I would have told him 'glad you are doing well. I am happily married and doing well also. No, I am not going to call you."

If you don't trust yourself, block him.

I was just thinking of all the times a bf or husband thought it best to tell me what might be otherwise unsettling information.

The information rarely bothered me. It was the bf's motivation to tell me that make my short hairs go up.

Thinking. . 'if this is so insignificant then why are you risking upsetting me with this?'

I think it's a knee jerk reaction to wonder if there is more to story that you aren't being told.

I am all for transparency, but some things are better left unsaid.

Better yet, things like this should be headed off at the pass before it went this far.

As an adult married woman you have the capacity to patrol your boundaries without any help.

Just block the guy and carry on with your life.

Thanks for all the advice! I really do not want the attention, believe me. The only reason I didn't block him at first is because that seemed unnecessarily mean when his first messages were not so dramatic. I figured he'd just forget about me and it was no big deal. But now that he's said some more sad and personal things, I only hesitated to block him because I feared the consequences - that somehow then he'd call me or put old intimate photos of me out on the internet. And if that were to happen, I worry that my husband would be angry with me for not telling him about the warning signs earlier. Also, something has stuck with me that my brother told me once, which is that you can always be a friend to someone who needs a friend. I just want to be a good person.

DancingFool you are spot on, and it's not just boundaries with men. I always worry too much about the right thing to do, the kind and decent way to live...I forget to set the right priorities for the truly important and valuable relationships in my life.

. Also, something has stuck with me that my brother told me once, which is that you can always be a friend to someone who needs a friend. I just want to be a good person.

 

But not at the expense of your marriage.

I am all for being kind and helping someone in need. But not at the expense of myself and others.

I am sorry. I said it earlier but this guys intentions are selfishly motivated.

Think about it. If you were in a low spot would you reach out to someone you knew from a decade ago, who is married and try to engage them in emotionally charged exchanges?

NO!. . Well, I hope not. Because it's selfish and inappropriate.

You admit you struggle with setting limits and boundaries.

Here's a good place to start.

You want to be kind? Tell him that you care about his happiness and ask him if he has any family or close friends that will support him during this time. . .because you are not in a position to.

Do you want to talk to this ex, OP?

It sounds as though you do.

Being a pushover without boundaries is the opposite of being nice. The nice thing to do is to be honest and direct and tell the person upfront that you aren't interested instead of leading them on. You agreed to talk to him, changed your mind, went silent but clearly he is taking all that for consent and hoping he can break you down and get his way with you. Being nice requires strength to do what is actually right - disabuse this man of any ideas he has of ever getting with you so he can move on. Tell him to knock it off and block him. Be clear, be firm, allow yourself to be a little angry too. Most importantly, understand that when someone wrongs you, you have every right to defend yourself.

I do NOT want to talk to this ex. I worried that my avoidance of the simple phone call he asked for was just me being selfish because I have no interest in catching up with him. I think the fact that many of you suspect that I want to talk to him or that I enjoy this for the attention - that is a clue to what my husband might suspect as well. And I don't want those thoughts in his mind because they're not truth, and it would unnecessarily stress him out. This just recalls to me the times when my husband has called me out for seeming more concerned about other people than for him.

I think you're all correct in your assessment of the situation. And most likely, this ex was feeling lonely here and there, or he had a falling out with people in his current life and was reaching into the past for reassurance. Most likely he's not going to retaliate for me blocking him. I don't have any interest in talking to him again, so why would I go through that awkward discomfort just because he asked me to? I went into his account and blocked him. Kind of now wish I'd sent him a message telling him why. But that's OK I guess.

Well, crap. I blocked him. I didn't send him a message telling him that what he was saying was inappropriate. If this happens again though, with him or anyone, I'll try to be firm.

Not a big deal. You don't owe this guy any sort of explanation.

Now put it out of mind. Maybe plan a fun date with the hubs.

I really wish that I could come to these conclusions and be confident in my choices and actions independently, without having to ask a roomful of people for help. I do appreciate your help, though.

Well, crap. I blocked him. I didn't send him a message telling him that what he was saying was inappropriate. If this happens again though, with him or anyone, I'll try to be firm.

Yay! If he goes around that in any way, tell him off and be firm. Otherwise, forget about him.

I'm glad that you are seeing what your husband is seeing based on people's responses here. Try to keep your priorities straight going forward. Remember that when you try to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one and upsetting everyone, including yourself. Prioritize and understand that some people simply have to be rejected and that is its own form of kindness.

I do NOT want to talk to him. I worried that my avoidance of the simple phone call he asked for was just me being selfish because I have no interest in catching up with him. I think the fact that many of you suspect that I want to talk to him or that I enjoy this for the attention - that is a clue to what my husband might suspect as well. And I don't want those thoughts in his mind because they're not truth, and it would unnecessarily stress him out.

 

This just recalls times he has called me out for seeming more concerned about other people than for him.

 

I think you're all correct in your assessment of the situation. And most likely, he was feeling lonely here and there, or he had a falling out with people in his current life and was reaching into the past for reassurance. But you're right, that's not my job. I don't have any interest in talking to him again, so why would I go through that awkward discomfort just because he asked me to? I went into his account and blocked him.

Good job.

I get that you are worried about your husbands reactions if things escalated. But if you practice managing your boundaries better than these type of things become a nonissue.

I have to add that you seem overly concerned with everyone else's feelings. . .your husbands (rightfully so, but be careful to not do so in excess)and this guys feelings. So much so it can lead you down the wrong path.

People are going to have unpleasant feelings. It's a part of life. They are going to have reactions, but it's a worthwhile lesson to learn that it's not our responsibility to manage them for them. If you didn't cause them it's not your place to fix them. My guess is your husbands reactions will dial down some when you stop reacting to them the way you do. Instead calmly acknowledge them, have some empathy and let him work through them.

"be a friend when someone needs a friend" is fine and perfect advice for he playground.

Here is how i look at it in adult life.

1) your marriage is first

If a friendship or potential friendship is not supportive of your marriage, then it doesn't belong.

(OBVIOUSLY i am talking about marriages that are not abusive, but a marriage where both parties are happy to be married to eachother - even if its a rough patch)

Most likely he's not going to retaliate for me blocking him

he really can't....?

 

1) your marriage is first

 

If a friendship or potential friendship is not supportive of your marriage, then it doesn't belong.

 

Perfect . . it couldn't be stated any simpler

I personally practice that all of my male friends should be able to equally be my bf's friends.

(they are not required to be, but the opportunity is there)

If I can honestly say that I wouldn't have them in the same room together, then I would have to let that friendship go.

I expect my bf to be on the same page.

Do I tell my husband that my ancient ex is contacting me?

Not unless you want to cause a problem in your marriage. Why not just block the ex?

I'm a little late to this discussion, but I'd been in intermittent contact with my ex-husband over the years and he'd remarried. I'm guessing that he was going through a bit of a rough patch with his current wife - a wonderful woman who I like and respect very much - but he started contacting me very frequently, and then told me that when we'd been together he hadn't appreciated me, and that he still loved me...

I told him that his wife was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and that he was merely repeating his old pattern of not appreciating what he had. That, and to stop being a stupid ****.

That put paid to it, I can tell you! Incidentally, it didn't even cross my mind to tell my partner about it.

Thanks again to people who helped me with advice in this thread because I thought of this recently. A couple of days ago this happened again but from a different person. First I ignored it, then I thought about this thread and setting boundaries and being forthright, speaking up for myself. So I texted back that he should seek help elsewhere and I said I would prefer not to get any more messages. His response seemed offended and proud but there were no more and I hope that put an end to it. I felt good, like I had learned an effective spell or something.

How common is this and why do people do it?: text or call someone out of the blue, after years of no contact at all, and immediately bring up regrets and lost chances and longing as if the person has been carrying a torch and pining away? Is that supposed to be romantic? It doesn't come off as genuine, or if it does, it makes the person seem pathetic. Is the person gambling that the recipient is unattached? I could see the motivation behind reaching out, but why wouldn't the person start a little slower with a plain old friendly catch-up, without the pressure of suggesting so much emotional stakes riding on it?

I think people contact these days because it's easier.

I've had a number of experiences during my marriage where certain exes reached out and seemed to be crossing lines. I did not tell my husband because I took care of it and I could not agree more with Reinvent. We each keep somewhat in touch with certain people we dated. It's all fine. I did tell my husband when someone I did not date emailed me out of the blue ostensibly to ask for business related advice having to do with his divorce but the email also seemed to be putting out feelers - so since my husband knew I never dated this person and barely knew him I sought my husband's input. He advised to give the business referral and "ignore" the rest. Which worked just fine. My husband was mildly annoyed and I'm glad I asked for his input since this guy and I are still connected on linkedin which to me is harmless and it has been since then.

Excellent. It happens when you let it. Ok now block and delete him, unless you want some sort of attention. It's not his job to end this and block and delete himself, you need to do that. People do it when they are desperate because they just got dumped or drunk or whatever, so try not to view it as "holding a torch". Then things will fall into perspective.

I texted back that he should seek help elsewhere and I said I would prefer not to get any more messages. His response How common is this and why do people do it?