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Thread: Struggling with trust issues

  1. #1

    Struggling with trust issues

    Hey guys! Iím new here, this is my first post, so Iím sorry if itís too long. I would love it if you could help me with some problems Iím having with my boyfriend.

    Iíve been in a relationship with this guy for a little over a year now, but I canít trust him. Itís not that Iím jealous and insecure, but he has done things in the past that make it almost impossible for me to trust him.

    Insident 1:We were together for one month at the time, and it was his birthday. A few weeks later, I find out that his ex-girlfriend texted him happy birthday. By ex-girlfriend I mean his summer fling from 3 years ago, but he claims she was his first love and from what he told me they havenít kept in touch. I asked to see the texts and basically the reason he was hiding the texts from me was that he told her and I quote ďIíd love for us to meet over the summer ❤️❤️ď.

    Insident 2: A few months later he tells me that he texted a girl friend of his from school. I asked to see the texts and after one hour of me insisting, he showed them to me. At first the chat was pretty standard and then came the ďIím going to miss you more than anyone else❤️ď.

    I just find it so hard to trust him. Iím a jealous person in general and I as soon as I managed to gain some trust for him he did those things and destroyed everything.

    Anyone who has ever been in a relationship can agree that you can tell when someone is not that interested from little things they do and thatís exactly what it was like for me back then. Even though now itís nothing like that, I still feel like I canít trust him.

    At the time he probably gave me some lame excuse, but now he has admitted that what he did was wrong and he told me that he changed. Itís hard for me to believe that, even though I do see change, I always have doubts in my mind.

    I know that my jealousy wonít help with anything and it will just make things worse, but I donít know what to do. Should I talk to him about it? Should I try to work on my issues by myself? I would love for you to give me advice and just talk about this!

  2. #2
    Silver Member
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    You and your BF are not compatible. You need someone that doesn't play these games. The jealousy and trust issues might calm down if you end up in a healthy relationship, but if they don't, you might sabotage later relationships due to the jealousy and trust issues you currently have.

  3. #3
    Originally Posted by hyden
    You and your BF are not compatible. You need someone that doesn't play these games. The jealousy and trust issues might calm down if you end up in a healthy relationship, but if they don't, you might sabotage later relationships due to the jealousy and trust issues you currently have.
    When it comes to compatibility, our personalities and interests are really close and all our friends tell us all the time that weíre very compatible. The thing is that my lack of trust is sabotaging the relationship Iím currently in. For example, heíll go out with his friends and Iíll probably stay up all night thinking and stressing over what heís
    doing till he comes back home and texts me.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    I don't think those things are so bad. what's your ages.

    And had nothing to do with compatible IMO.

    Do you feel he would cheat on you if given the chance?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like he's the right boy for you. This is scary behavior and indicates that you should break up and work on attachment and possessiveness issues. No do not discuss it with him. He's not your therapist and this is your issue, not his. When you start feeling/acting like a prison warden, it's time to call it quits.
    Originally Posted by brooke000
    I asked to see the texts and after one hour of me insisting, he showed them to me.
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 06-05-2018 at 03:33 PM.

  7. #6
    Originally Posted by Lambert
    I don't think those things are so bad. what's your ages.

    And had nothing to do with compatible IMO.

    Do you feel he would cheat on you if given the chance?
    Iím 18 and heís 19. I feel like he wouldnít cheat on me, but I donít know about flirting which is also something that bothers me.

  8. #7
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like he's the right boy for you. This is scary behavior and indicates that you should break up and work on attachment and possessiveness issues. No do not discuss it with him. He's not your therapist and this is your issue, not his. When you start feelingacting like a prison warden, it's time to call it quits.
    Thinking back on it I think I should have broken up with him then, not that I regret our relationship by any means, but now I think that breaking up with him for something he did a year ago is uncalled for. If something like that ever happens again Iíll definitely break up.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member thealchemist's Avatar
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    First of all what he did is not acceptable in my eyes.

    I can understand your frustration there.

    But you demanding to see the messages is a huge red flag. If he was a friend of mine I would have advise him to dump you based on the insecure jealousy issues.

    I don't necessarily see you two as being incompatible with personality, it just seems like neither of you two are in a place to be in a serious relationship, especially with each other.

    Your insecurity will sabotage any good relationship you are in. But being with a guy like him is just going to compound your insecurities.

    The longer you stay with someone who stokes your insecurity, because frankly, your insecure for legitimate reasons, the harder it will be to even know what a healthy relationship is like.

    My wife had some insecurity issues when we got together. Luckily I am/was a great person for her because I give her nothing to be insecure about. But even still, it was an internal issue she has had to work on for awhile, and that was being with the most loyal guy I know. (lol)

    You insecurities sound very justified. I just feel like you handled them in ways that promotes your insecurity instead of removing it.

    Do not ever make demands of your partner. Do not make them show you their phone or snoop. If you are in a relationship that is so lacking of trust then you need to end that relationship.

    Otherwise you are going to feed your insecurity and become entitled to what you think is your right in a relationship.

    If this happens, no guy worth his salt with want to be in a relationship with you.

  10. #9
    Originally Posted by thealchemist
    First of all what he did is not acceptable in my eyes.

    I can understand your frustration there.

    But you demanding to see the messages is a huge red flag. If he was a friend of mine I would have advise him to dump you based on the insecure jealousy issues.

    I don't necessarily see you two as being incompatible with personality, it just seems like neither of you two are in a place to be in a serious relationship, especially with each other.

    Your insecurity will sabotage any good relationship you are in. But being with a guy like him is just going to compound your insecurities.

    The longer you stay with someone who stokes your insecurity, because frankly, your insecure for legitimate reasons, the harder it will be to even know what a healthy relationship is like.

    My wife had some insecurity issues when we got together. Luckily I am/was a great person for her because I give her nothing to be insecure about. But even still, it was an internal issue she has had to work on for awhile, and that was being with the most loyal guy I know. (lol)

    You insecurities sound very justified. I just feel like you handled them in ways that promotes your insecurity instead of removing it.

    Do not ever make demands of your partner. Do not make them show you their phone or snoop. If you are in a relationship that is so lacking of trust then you need to end that relationship.

    Otherwise you are going to feed your insecurity and become entitled to what you think is your right in a relationship.

    If this happens, no guy worth his salt with want to be in a relationship with you.
    Wow, that really puts things in perspective. I never thought about it this way. I still believe that if he had nothing to hide he would have shown it to me without me having to ask for it. Thatís why I wanted to see it in the first place. Anyway, thanks a lot for your help!

  11. #10
    Originally Posted by thealchemist
    First of all what he did is not acceptable in my eyes.

    I can understand your frustration there.

    But you demanding to see the messages is a huge red flag. If he was a friend of mine I would have advise him to dump you based on the insecure jealousy issues.

    I don't necessarily see you two as being incompatible with personality, it just seems like neither of you two are in a place to be in a serious relationship, especially with each other.

    Your insecurity will sabotage any good relationship you are in. But being with a guy like him is just going to compound your insecurities.

    The longer you stay with someone who stokes your insecurity, because frankly, your insecure for legitimate reasons, the harder it will be to even know what a healthy relationship is like.

    My wife had some insecurity issues when we got together. Luckily I am/was a great person for her because I give her nothing to be insecure about. But even still, it was an internal issue she has had to work on for awhile, and that was being with the most loyal guy I know. (lol)

    You insecurities sound very justified. I just feel like you handled them in ways that promotes your insecurity instead of removing it.

    Do not ever make demands of your partner. Do not make them show you their phone or snoop. If you are in a relationship that is so lacking of trust then you need to end that relationship.

    Otherwise you are going to feed your insecurity and become entitled to what you think is your right in a relationship.

    If this happens, no guy worth his salt with want to be in a relationship with you.
    How do you think I should have handled the situation?

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