Why Don't Rebounds Work?

So, I'm not thinking about a relationship yet (only 4 months out of an 18 year relationship)

But I keep seeing people saying that rebound relationships are a bad idea.

Why are they a bad idea if you like each other, and why don't they usually work out?

Just curious.

Because 4 months out of a relationship is not a long time, especially after 18 yrs. You won't be fully over the first person and your brain will be messed up whether you realize it or not. You need time for yourself and to be on your own before you start dating anyone.

It's different for different people! I just know you can't be fully committed to someone new if your heart isn't fully mended. It's like trying to swim under water and breathing. The new emotions with the new person eventually consume you because the old feelings haven't died.

Not to say if you are fully ready under different circumstances, such as you grieved the end of the relationship during the last years of it while being in it. Still it's tricky and 18 years is a long time! I was with someone almost 11 years and I tried to move on right away and I still hadn't let my ex go and the new guy had to deal with me being an emotional wreck.

That's my take on it.

No, no, no - this isn't about me. I don't want want a relationship at all...not even a one nighter at this point.

In my mind - all women are the devil right now! Except my mom, of course.

I was just wondering what the psychology was behind it.

The rebounder is often replacing the ex with another person just for the sake of having someone. They are postponing the grieving process. And some rebounds turn into something good, but others crash when the honeymoon stops (3-4 months? 6? 11? - who would know, it depends) especially if it all moved very quickly.

Usually its the dumpee who rebounds, dumpers have processed things in the lead up to the dumping, but they can get into a GIGs situation, or monkey branch straight from one partner into the next (who they were probably locking in before doing the dumping).

But leaving all the labels aside. If a person jumps from a committed relationship break up into something new instantly (i.e. had the replacement in place), or very quickly gets into a new relationship without some recovery time, anecdotal evidence suggests that those type of relationships are less likely to last.

Funny thing is, when the dumper leaves for the replacement, they postpone the emotional effect of the break up. If their new relationship falls over, they get to do both sets of grieving at once. Unless of course they jump from that one to another. Maybe they'll find a life partner and never go through it.

having to do two sets of grieving at once was what happened to me. Very do not recommend it at all even a little bit!!!!

Rebounds often don't work because the rebounder usually doesn't enter the relationship because they genuinely like the other person. Instead, they are still healing from the wounds of their previous break-up and looking for anyone to fill that void and make the hurt go away, so to speak. While they might indeed enjoy the companionship and attention their new fling offers, their hearts and minds are rarely actually with the new person. That doesn't typically end well when the rebounder finally realizes they're just not over their ex.

Rebounds are only there to be a band aid to cover your wounds from a previous relationship. The person that becomes your rebound will not be the person you want to be w/as you my make a rushed decision when starting to date again. Plus the rebound isn't fair to the other person.

The rebounder is often replacing the ex with another person just for the sake of having someone. They are postponing the grieving process. And some rebounds turn into something good, but others crash when the honeymoon stops (3-4 months? 6? 11? - who would know, it depends) especially if it all moved very quickly.

 

Usually its the dumpee who rebounds, dumpers have processed things in the lead up to the dumping, but they can get into a GIGs situation, or monkey branch straight from one partner into the next (who they were probably locking in before doing the dumping).

 

But leaving all the labels aside. If a person jumps from a committed relationship break up into something new instantly (i.e. had the replacement in place), or very quickly gets into a new relationship without some recovery time, anecdotal evidence suggests that those type of relationships are less likely to last.

 

Funny thing is, when the dumper leaves for the replacement, they postpone the emotional effect of the break up. If their new relationship falls over, they get to do both sets of grieving at once. Unless of course they jump from that one to another. Maybe they'll find a life partner and never go through it.

I think it's like swimming the next day after doing a marathon. Your muscles are done and need healing. You will drown and won't have a chance.

That's why everybody needs personal NC time after a break. To reflect, recharge and grow.