My long term BF left and want him back. Need advice

Hi Everyone. First post here. Will try to keep it short as I can.

I'm 32, he is 36. We both have been through prior divorces in our past. He is a father to a 6yr old daughter whom he has 50% custody of.

We met 3 yrs ago and went on a few dates. At the time I was 1 yr out of my divorce and not ready to settle after he asked me to be exclusive and we stopped dating. A yr later in 2016 we reconnected and it was smooth sailing. We both were head over heals. I never had been THAT in love, not even when I was married. He was absolutely everything I ever wanted. His daughter loved me too, and I tried soooo hard to be patient and generous and caring to her also. We bought a boat together last yr, 1 yr into our relationship. We loved our lives together. We traveled, had romance, chemistry, sex was the best we both ever had. somewhere after the 1 yr mark, i recall having arguments over my jealousy and insecurity issues (prob from my past marriage) and remember giving him a hard time because I was insecure. I do admit to causing little fights over my issues which were not warranted. I know on occasion his daughter would misbehave and he wouldn't correct her, and so sometimes I would speak up and it would upset him too. I think sometimes I overstepped my place. I was still new to dating with a dad. We got through it though and did have fights but worked through things. I still feel like my insecurities bothered him greatly though and he was often frustrated with me, however there was no doubt he was in love and still very attracted to me.

We were like best friends.

a yr and a half into our relationship, at his request, i began trying to sleep over at his house on the days he had his daughter. I had slept there plenty of times, but not when he had his daughter out of respect for her. We wanted to work things slowly so she could adjust. It was hard at times but fun too. I learned a lot!

In March, my mom got very very ill and had a brain aneurysm. She was rushed to the ICU in the hospital and was unconscious. I was emotional and on edge. Scared she would never wake again.

A week after that, we went horseback riding in the desert with his daughter. It was so amazing. A nice thing to do to get my mind off the hospital. On the way back into town I remember him and I got into an argument over something petty (him not holding the door for me and my arms were full after leaving a gas station and buying his daughter snacks and ice cream). I cried in his truck and he yelled at me in front of his daughter. awful.

Anyways the weekend after that, my lease on my apartment was ending in April and we planned for me to move in with him (2yrs in) and so with all that was going on with my mom, and moving,..we finally got the time to move my belongings into his home.

I was still so emotional with my mom's condition. She was starting to wake but was not recognizing who i was. She wasn't all there, it was so scary. I thought there was brain damage. I cried and prayed every day. I was crying to him one night and told him I felt he wasnt being as compassionate or supportive to me as he should be. We got into an argument and he told me he didnt have time for my drama and that my mom is not an excuse to act the way i was. I made a comment of something like, well is this how you treat someone you love?! and he told me then he didnt love me anymore.

My world fell apart. I sobbed cried , screamed, begged, pleaded. I was hysterical. What the hell. My mom is dying, i just moved in a week before and now he doesnt love me. I begged and pleaded for a while. it was terrible.

I stayed at his home, while we kind of avoided each other for the month of April as I didnt know what to do or where to go. We were intimate after this. We went to dinner a fews times after. I tried very often to bring our relationship up but he always insisted nothing changed and he is single. Eventually he deactivated his FB. In May, I moved out my belongings from his home and moved them to my moms spare rooms and applied for an apartment. We were intimate in May. He constantly tells me i am the most attractive woman he has had, that he cannot resist me. he constantly tells me he thinks i am gorgeous, etc,...

On my final move of my belongings out of his house, he text me that he didnt mind if i wanted to still store my stuff at his home until i got my apartment. I told him no thanks, i want to respect his wishes to be single. he then text me back that he just thinks we both need time alone and apart to work on ourselves, and that he never said there wasnt a chance in the future, but that he just doesnt want to get into that until we both can work on us. i asked him if he still loved me, and he just said nothing is impossible.whatever that means. He told me he wanted to be friends and hang out still. I did notice he still had photos of me and him and his daughter on his wall.

I returned his house key and left, and on my way home with my car loaded with things, i rear ended someone and wrecked my car. Had to be totaled. It was a terrible day. I was just not myself.

Well since then, a week later- i ran into him and his daughter at the local amusement park. He gave me a hug and his daughter told me she missed me and asked when i can come back. i told her to speak with her dad.. that day he texted me asking me what rides i went on, if i was having fun , told me which rides he did, asked if i went home yet...i was short with my answers to him but responded.

The next day he sent me a text about the crazy weather, i responded.

The day after at night, he text me "goodnight niss nicole, hope you had a good day" and i responded an hr later saying i had a fun day, thanks, night.

Then the day after i messed up and text him. I text him that i miss him and how i love him and am having a hard time. He told me he didnt want to get into this and i kept going. we got into like a text fight, and i text him how hurt i was and i dont know how to stop loving him. He text me that night saying "goodnight, and in spite of what you think, i do truly care for your well being" and i responded "then why are you putting me through this" he didnt respond. He told me multiple times during our text fights that he has no intentions of dating anyone right now, not me, not anyone, that he wants to focus on him and his daughter. He also told me he hasnt slept with anyone else and has no dating plans (i asked).

I noticed he removed all pics of me on his instagram and untagged himself in any photos i had of him. I didnt bring it up to him

7 days later....

I text him a week after the incident "hey good morning, hope you're doing well"

No response.

Havent heard from him since 05/23. I am so confused. I love him so much. I have decided to stick with NC. I started going to counseling in April, I go weekly and so i am trying to work on myself, I go to the gym daily now. However I am still thinking about him daily. I still love him. He was never a shady man, i doubt there is any other girl in his life yet.

I am confused with his actions, his silence. Any thoughts, advice? input? I dont even know what to think. I know i need to work on me, and i am trying but i just am so scared now to have lost him forever.

You should have gotten the therapy for your insecurities and dramatic behavior, long ago.

If he reaches out, tell him that you cannot be his friend, you only want contact if there is full reconciliation. Tell him you are working on your issues, and being in friend mode will only prevent you from growing. You cannot be friends when there are feelings.

You need to work on yourself. No relationship can survive with that kind of behavior. Get to the root of your problems.

I agree with you. I SHOULD HAVE gotten help for my emotional insecurities a long time ago. 100% i regret that. I am trying now and there's no going back, but you are right.

In our text fight the other day (on 05/23), i did mention to him i cant be his friend and watch him move on with other females....

I regret making things that werent issues an issue because i was always seeking validation or whatever. i am sad i didnt realize this until now. i am angry at myself too.

I just don't know what to do to make things right, or if i have messed beyond repair.

I love him and his daughter and miss them both soooo much.

The important thing is, is that you are getting it now.

The most important thing you can do, is work on yourself. If you do not fix your issues, your relationships will never work.

I'm sorry, but there is nothing you can do. Learn from this, and hopefully at some point, it may work out.

I do wonder if i will ever hear from him again.

We still have our boat we own together.

For now I am giving him space...but i dont want to lose hope

We got into an argument and he told me he didnt have time for my drama and that my mom is not an excuse to act the way i was. I made a comment of something like, well is this how you treat someone you love?!

What was he referring to here? What exactly was happening? I am trying to determine if he was already looking for a reason to break up, if he was plain insensitive to your circumstances, or if there were other problems already brewing which came to the forefront under the stress of the situation.

I am very sorry about your mom, OP. You were clearly in a lot of pain and dealing with overwhelming fear and anxiety.

Sorry to hear this. Excellent you are going to therapy, you have a lot on your plate that no dating situation can sort out for you. Unfortunately you were never on the same page. You were much more invested in this than he was. His priority is his child, not dating, especially when there are boundary issues such as constantly quizzing him about women, fb, etc and worse....telling him how to raise his child.

We both have been through prior divorces in our past. I know on occasion his daughter would misbehave and he wouldn't correct her, and so sometimes I would speak up and it would upset him too.

What was he referring to here? What exactly was happening? I am trying to determine if he was already looking for a reason to break up, if he was plain insensitive to your circumstances, or if there were other problems already brewing which came to the forefront under the stress of the situation.

 

I am very sorry about your mom, OP. You were clearly in a lot of pain and dealing with overwhelming fear and anxiety.

He felt i was causing drama and being emotional when I guess he felt it was already in my nature to be emotional and get on him for whatever reason. Like i would complain he wasn't making me a priority and that especially during this time i needed to feel like a priority and get the empathy from him while i was struggling and he was i guess tired of hearing me usually complain about this, and given my mom's circumstances-he felt it wasn't an excuse since I did that often

Sorry to hear this. Excellent you are going to therapy, you have a lot on your plate that no dating situation can sort out for you. Unfortunately you were never on the same page. You were much more invested in this than he was. His priority is his child, not dating, especially when there are boundary issues such as constantly quizzing him about women, fb, etc and worse....telling him how to raise his child.

I regret it very much. I learned so much the last 2 yrs. I have never dated a man with a child so this was new to me too, and i made mistakes, but I have learned too

Does no contact seem to be the correct route to take right now? Could there be a possibility of reconciliation? I miss him so much and looking back realize i was so clingy and needy. I regret my errors.

Do not contact him. Work on yourself. Do not agree to be a friend if he reaches out, and DO NOT have sex with him.

Ok,..NC even for Father's day this yr?

Is reconciliation possible in time?

Do not reach out!

We don't know what is in his head. You should only be focusing on your own problems, or a relationship will not work.

This Thursday will be my 7th session for my counseling for my anxiety and self worth issues. I am so focused and motivated to feel better. I hate feeling this way and the depression I feel since the break up is too much to handle sometimes.

Everyone tells me give it time, I pray daily for strength and guidance and I want to trust that what is meant to be will be, but I struggle daily with the loss, and the fear i will never have him again in my life. I know these feelings are things I'm working through in counseling but it is just so hard. I don't have a huge support system, and rely a lot on my friends right now. This is so hard.

We used to talk about marriage, retirement, our lives together.

I helped him remodel his bathroom and re-tile his floors, build his daughter a playhouse in his backyard, i miss the memories we built. I miss what I had.

"I noticed he removed all pics of me on his instagram and untagged himself in any photos i had of him. I didnt bring it up to him

7 days later....

I text him a week after the incident "hey good morning, hope you're doing well"

No response."

His actions are clear for now. You will only push him away, if you continue to badger him. He needs to come back to you, for a full reconciliation. Accept nothing else.

Work on you, now.

"I noticed he removed all pics of me on his instagram and untagged himself in any photos i had of him. I didnt bring it up to him

7 days later....

I text him a week after the incident "hey good morning, hope you're doing well"

No response."

 

His actions are clear for now. You will only push him away, if you continue to badger him. He needs to come back to you, for a full reconciliation. Accept nothing else.

 

Work on you, now.

I appreciate your honest response. My focus is to feel better. I just have that void in my heart

Don't do this to yourself. Just stop and don't use a creepy transparent excuse to contact him and prove once and for all that you have no healthy boundaries. Address whatever unresolved divorce issues you may still have. Being this desperate/clingy will drive him away for good. If you want strength watch the film: netflix movies/Play Misty For Me

Ok,..NC even for Father's day this yr? Is reconciliation possible in time?

Don't do this to yourself. Just stop and don't use a creepy transparent excuse to contact him and prove once and for all that you have no healthy boundaries. Address whatever unresolved divorce issues you may still have. Being this desperate/clingy will drive him away for good. If you want strength watch the film: netflix movies/Play Misty For Me

I know in my heart true NC needs to be done. I understand.

I appreciate your honest response. My focus is to feel better. I just have that void in my heart

I know it is so hard. It hurts. But, you have no control over him, you can only work on yourself.

Don't do this to yourself. Just stop and don't use a creepy transparent excuse to contact him and prove once and for all that you have no healthy boundaries. Address whatever unresolved divorce issues you may still have. Being this desperate/clingy will drive him away for good. If you want strength watch the film: netflix movies/Play Misty For Me

Play Misty for Me Wise, the woman was crazy in the movie?

I know it is so hard. It hurts. But, you have no control over him, you can only work on yourself.

You're absolutely right. I want to come out more secure, stronger, independent and confident with myself. I want to be a better version of me. I feel disbelief that this is happening. I've never met anyone as amazing as he was.I was most recently so proud of myself because i had just started to build a relationship with his daughter's mom. I took one step forward and 20 back. ughhh I am just so disappointed in myself and hope down the road i can make things right.

You can make things right, if you focus on you. Do it for you. Not him.

Would you want to date you?

You can make things right, if you focus on you. Do it for you. Not him.

 

Would you want to date you?

lol thats a good way to put it. Right now i'd say i am an emotional B-word lately. I need to lighten up and be grateful for what I have instead of picking and nagging at what I don't. =(

SOOOOO everyone, thought I'd give an update.

Not at all what I expected but I'm doing a lot better now.... I am a lot stronger and moving forward.

I never received a text back from him since the last message he sent to me on May 23rd telling me he truly cared for my well being (B.S!)

Anyways on June 8th I went to go get my hair done, and went into detail as to my situation with my hair dresser...telling her how i am still in love, confused, missed him and havent heard from him, was holding out hope he would come back, etc...

Well, a week later on the following Friday (June 15th) apparently another woman who uses MY SAME HAIRDRESSER started to tell my hairdresser how she recently met a man, had unprotected sex with him, he is a mailman, has a daughter and how quickly he was moving with her and how she was uncomfortable. The description of him sounded so familiar to my hairdresser. She pulled up my Instagram account and showed her an old pic of him and i and asked if that is the man. SHE SAID YES! My hairdresser explained my situation to this woman and asked this woman to reach out to me to give me closure. She did. What a coincidence!

She text me that she was no longer seeing him, but that they did see each other and were intimate unprotected. She also sent me screen shots of his text messages to her, one in which she asked if he was faithful to his last girlfriend (me) in which he admits he was not.

I sure got the closure i needed. He has been cheating on me....and was still sleeping around.

I called him right away (i was fuming!) and he ignored my call, so I text him the screen shot image she sent me and wrote "so you really did lie and cheat on me". He didn't answer and I dont care, he knows now that I know. He ended up blocking me and that other woman on social media now since he knows we've been chatting. I've never been so mad in my life. He lied to me over and over. Swore up and down he was not dating or having sex with anyone, that there was not anyone else...he slept with me after he had cheated on me! uck!

I was soooo angry and upset. She met him on bumble. (Quick back story-a yr into our relationship, another friend of mine asked me if me and him broke up, i was confused and said no and she sent me screen shots of a bumble profile with his info and pic. He had a secret bumble accnt. When i questioned him at that time, he denied it and said someone stole his pictures and my friend wasn't a real friend and was trying to drive us apart. he blamed me for being insecure and told me that i should drop that friend and how dare me not trust him. i apologized to him eventually after arguing over this. sound like a red flag?!?!)

But-it gets worse.

I reached out to his ex wife to let her know i was no longer going to be a part of his daughter's life due to my recent discovery. She asked me at that time-Did he tell you what he has? I started to freak out. No, i said...we've been together exclusive 2 yrs but he hasn't said he has anything.

She tells me he had genital herpes.

I was a sobbing mess. i was shaking. I called my sis freaking out and scared,...My world was falling apart. My sis called planned parenthood for me right away for an appt the next day. I have been tested and am negative for genital herpes-thank god. I have informed the other woman and it was too soon for her to be tested, and she is still worried.

His ex wife has contacted me several times since to talk and she went through the same things with him when she was married. He cheated on her too, and was emotionally abusive. She was able to share a lot of my same feelings and so it has helped me to realize it wasn't just me.

I have continued to see my counselor and have recently learned about the personality disorder called narcissism, and manipulation and emotional abuse. I truly feel I was being manipulated and emotionally abused. I can now say after all that has happened, I no longer love him. I am sickened by him, i am angry at him and his lies. I put him on a pedestal. Now, all the bad memories have come back. I do believe that he had been cheating on me a lot longer than I'll ever know. I'm learning about gaslighting and I do believe he would use this tactic on me frequently. So many red flags would arise and any concerns I had would be turned around on to me and i would feel guilty for bringing up my concerns or feelings to the point i would beg for his forgiveness because i was afraid he would leave me. I took the blame for everything. When he would do something wrong or shady or bad,..and when I would question that, I would be blamed for even bringing it up and apologize.

We still have the boat together but at this point, I may get legal insurance this fall during my employer's open enrollment. I have no intentions of ever getting back together with him. What a disgusting piece of crap. I think back on all the red flags (like the prior example on bumble), and there were so many. I was blinded by love, and had a low self esteem. but yea, so that's where I'm at with all of this. I was sad and angry and upset but now, I feel glad that I did receive that closure. Otherwise, I'd still be here crying over that piece of crap. I know i deserve better than this.

So here we are in December, over 6 months since this all happened. I can happily say I have moved on. I started dating a new man, who is now my boyfriend. I do not miss my ex, or have any feelings for him. After all that he put me through with his nastiness, I have no desire to have anything to do with him again.....

And this week,...he has sent a follow request on my instagram and a friend request on snapchat. He also sent me a selfie of him and his daughter this week with the caption" HI"...I have not responded.

Anyways, it is true,..they do come back...however I do not want that disgusting man anymore.

Karma for sure....I hope he is lonely and that makes me satisfied.

Who has the last laugh now!?

Merry Christmas everyone.