What just happened

I will try to make this short as possible. Ive been dating a guy for almost two years. It is a long distance relationship (1.5 hours away). He is a kind hearted man who would do anything for anyone. He is very close with his family and his family loves me. Except his teenage daughter... She is very rude to me. I am not the biggest fan of hers either but i do try to always say hi and ask how she is doing. I get a grunt for an answer. I generally stay at my house to give them alone time during their weekend visits. I have helped him repair his home as he has done so with mine. We have always been there for each other. We have the same common interests (activity wise). Our sex life is still amazing.

When we first started dating he was in bad shape with finances and I was the one who was mostly paying for dates and outings. I make good money so I didn't think twice about it. One day my Mom was visiting and watched as I paid for everything and later made a comment calling him a free loader. It made me rethink what I was doing so I stopped offering to buy all the time.. We didn't do as much but because of her comment I found myself doubting him. Then 11 months ago I found out he has a drinking problem. I had no idea until he started acting rude to my young adult daughter in front of my neighbors so she called him out on it and asked him to stop. He disregarded her and continued. She doesn't like him at all now. Thats when I discovered the empty Jack Daniels bottle in my fridge which wasn't there the day before. We have discussed his problem many times (he says its not a problem) and promised over and over he would quit, cut back, etc.. I do not drink and it bothers me that he does quite often. At one time he even said he would not take another drink if it meant losing me. Within a week - he was drinking. I have accepted the fact he is a drinker. I cant change him. I love him even though it bothers me. He is in his mid to late 40's and hangs out with mid 30's and they party every Thursday night. All of his friends drink to get drunk. That's who he hangs around when I'm not with him.

I have an executive job which is highly stressful. He has a job he loves outdoors and not stressful at all. He has complained that I am stressed too much and need to relax more. He disappears on me (no texts or calls) for hours when he's with his friends or his teenage daughter. I think its odd if you love someone not to at least check in nor answer texts.. Maybe I'm old school? I am early 50's. I sit home wondering what he's doing at the clubs (he says just drinking and dancing) but this makes me feel miserable. My ex husband cheated on me and I have issues with not checking in and trust...yes. He knows this but still continues to ignore my concerns that he disappears. He doesn't drive over anymore due to my daughter (who now lives with me until her college loans are paid off ) and I work a lot of hours. I am tired at the end of day so driving to see him is really hard after I drive home for an hour and then drive there another 1.5 hours. We used to get along really well but I started thinking how he has never invited me to any of his friends parties (one recently got married and I wasn't invited). When I asked him why I wasn't invited he said because they think I don't like them. Honestly Ive never even been around them but in very short intervals. Recently he didn't invite me to his nieces birthday party. There was no excuse why he didn't or couldn't invite me. Just didn't do it. This really hurt me and when I asked him why not - he never answered.

We have never really got into an argument just got to the point it was a little chilly. Maybe a non caring attitude? My concern was mainly about the drinking and the broken promises he would quit and him getting upset when I don't want to be around his rude daughter. He said we need to share our love with family and friends not just ourselves. Remember??? He has never invited me when he is with his friends.

We went two weeks without seeing each other due to his traveling for work and a project I was working on for work. I was understanding about the whole thing because I knew it couldn't be helped. The day before I was to go on vacation to one place while he took his young adult daughter on a college graduation trip he told me he wanted a break. I was confused and asked three questions. 1. How long a break. 2. What was the break for? 3. Are we allowed to date others. His answers. 1. Just long enough to relax some. 2. The relationship was too stressful. 3. No. I gave him the break with no contact. The night he came back from vacation ( I was still on mine) I called him to see if he made it back okay. He said he did and then told me he wanted to break up. I was totally blindsided and started crying. I couldn't help it. I love the man!!! I was so upset I hung up on him. The next day he texted me and said he didn't sleep all night and I replied I didn't either. I told him I loved him and wished him the best. He texted me later that day and off an on the next two days. He told me he was a heartless man for hurting me and didn't deserve me. After I calmed down I asked to meet him in person so we did. We talked and made up and now we're back together but he said it wouldn't be the same. He said he loves me and wants me to move closer to him. I would have to give up my job which I love and have worked very hard to get where I am but I would be willing to look for another one closer to him.

We spent two days together and had incredible make up sex and even looked at a house closer to his work for us. We went out with one of his friends and they drank quite a bit while I was the designated driver. I had to meet someone for work on saturday so I returned to my house while he spent the day with his daughter and one of his friends. Ten hours later I had not heard from him so I texted him and asked if he was okay. He said he was at a friends house and wished me good night. Ten minutes later he texted me and said he was going to break my heart. He didn't mean to but was going to. I replied, "what?" I also found out he IM'd a girl he met on the cruise while on vacay. She lives like 10 minutes from him. She is friends with some of his neighbors.

I texted him yesterday morning and asked if he was interested in someone else and he said no. He texted me back later and said he would call. He never did. Yesterday afternoon he broke up with me by text. He said, "I am trouble and wishy washy. I have so much to work on. I’m so afraid of what will happen if I tie myself down. I have problems with trust as well. I need to see a counselor. I also have anxiety issues." He said it was time and told me to move on. I replied okay, wished him luck and told him I would not bother him again..

This morning at 3:00 he texted me and said, "I wish the best for you always. I think you know that. I’m not looking for a future her. I have to work on myself before anything else. I definitely have issues. You will do well. You have a strong loving heart." Then he said "You are a beautiful person." He also texted me at 6:00 and told me he hoped we could be friends and told me to have a good day. I did respond and said have a good day, too.

Why is he still texting me when he broke up? He knows he broke my heart. This sucks. I also have items at his house I need to get. What do I do? I cant stop crying.

Advice needed, please. I am on an emotional roller coaster.

Sorry to hear this. You dodged a bullet. Your daughter should come first and your friends and family have excellent points. Don't chase this creep. Go no contact and respect your family more than freeloading alcoholic losers.

One day my Mom was visiting and watched as I paid for everything and later made a comment calling him a free loader.

Then 11 months ago I found out he has a drinking problem.

I had no idea until he started acting rude to my young adult daughter in front of my neighbors so she called him out on it and asked him to stop.

I'm sorry for your hurt. At the same time I hate to say this, but your family is right - dude is a freeloading loser. You don't see it now, but thank your lucky stars he is out of your life.

Yes, he is an alcoholic, not just someone who likes to drink. You don't drink. He parties with 30-somethings, you are 50. He is not a man, but a manchild. If he was texting with some chic he met on holiday, you can bet your life more happened there than just mere chit chat.

Do NOT ever give up your job and career for a man. Period. Understand that the right man will never ever ever ask that of you. Also, a man with any self respect will not leave you paying for everything even if you make more. He'll make an effort to do things with you and treat you on what he can do and afford. There is equity in the relationship even when finances are vastly different.

Ultimately, understand that while opposites attract, in the end, they don't work as they'll just fight and drift apart over differences. Maybe going forward, choose men who are more similar to you and don't take on the role of supporter. This guy and you were simply too different in way too many respects. It's not just about drinking, it's about lifestyle, life philosophy, what matters to each of you more, etc. Once you have had a chance to process, you'll look back and see for yourself that this is truly a bullet dodged.

Yes, he's an overgrown teenager with a drink problem, who had been looking for a mummy to pay for his treats. You are so much better off without him and this will become abundantly clear once you get over your temporary feelings of grieving. Depending on how important the stuff you've left at his might be, either arrange to pick it up and then block all contact with him - or just block him anyway.

Do not attempt to be 'friends' with this guy, or you'll be guaranteed to have your heart broken over and over.

The only thing I disagree with is you having an issue when he is not available to you when he is with his teen daughter. When he is spending time with her, he should be able to have uninterrupted time with her - its one thing if you are calling because you are on your way over there --- but if he spends the afternoon with his daughter --- the worst thing is if she is talking about something important to her and he answers a call from his girlfriend. I think his kids should be high priority when he is not on a date with you, and you should be high priority when he is out with you (with the exception of emergencies). I think everything else has merit. --- I think this guy is not the one for you. Also, even if a guy had money problems when he first started to date -- he wouldn't let his girlfriend dish out money in front of her parents -- he would take her out on cheap dates that he could afford to ask her out on and if it was her turn to invite, he would insist on going to art fairs, museums, or something free.

It is really for the best that this has ended, OP.

His lifestyle and values are in sharp contrast to yours. You sound established and level-headed; he still enjoys the partying lifestyle and whooping it up at clubs. You want more togetherness, while he seems to keep you quite separate from his personal life. It sounds as though this split had been coming for a while.

I know it hurts, but you two are so incompatible on many levels. He knows you're a good woman and he no doubt feels guilty for hurting you, hence the texting. He is trying to soothe his own guilt and (misguidedly) soften the blow for you.

Block him. You don't even want to see whatever crap he's texting you. I'm thinking he considered you a kind of Friends With Benefits type of relationship. Maybe he even had someone else he was doing the same to. Maybe you weren't invited to these parties because he had a date or he was hitting on girls. Delete him and move on.

Hi,

I'm really sorry for everything you're experiencing.

I have to agree with DanZee that he was probably seeing someone else during your relationship. Too much inconsistency and ups and downs.

Listen, I had a relationship like that, where we were so incompatible but I was stubborn and wanted to make it work. I don't even know how many times we broke up. The longer we stayed together, the more stubborn I became, because I wouldn't have wanted to have wasted all those years.

Finally, I found strength to break up with him and go cold-turkey. I didn't answer his texts. I didn't let my child communicate with him. He tried all sorts of games to get me back, but I remained steadfast to my independence. I became very grateful for each new day that I had without him. My life was no longer tainted.

He was not the one for you. Don't confuse this with love; you can still love him but also know in your heart that he is toxic for your life.

I wish you the best.

Update: He texted me today and said he felt pressured to get married and he never wants to get married. He thought he was wasting my time ... I had to reply... I said I absolutely don't think I will ever get married again so I don't know where you felt the pressure from? He then replied back I thought that is what you wanted ???

I wrote back and said don't feel guilty for breaking my heart. I will survive.

Since that reply... He has not sent me another text!!! =-)

Update: He texted me today and said he felt pressured to get married and he never wants to get married. He thought he was wasting my time ... I had to reply... I said I absolutely don't think I will ever get married again so I don't know where you felt the pressure from? He then replied back I thought that is what you wanted ???

I wrote back and said don't feel guilty for breaking my heart. I will survive.

Since that reply... He has not sent me another text!!! =-)

Wait, what happened to Islandgirl?

You (daisy) posted about choosing between two men in February. If the OP was written by Daisy, was this one of the two men?

I'm confused.