Considering divorce for a while, recently met someone and need advice

Let me start off by saying I've been married for 4 years. However, I'm not happy in my marriage and have been considering a divorce for about a year now. My wife and I have a lot of differences that I just don't see ever being worked out, and you only have one life, so I might as well spend it happy instead of staying in an unhappy relationship. What has stopped me so far is a few things.

First of all, and this is the most important to me, I want it to be mutual. Like, I want her to also want a divorce instead of me just asking for one. Secondly, I feel bad for her because I have a much better paying job, and we live several states away from both of our families, so I feel obligated to help her move home (which I don't really have an issue doing). Thirdly, I really like her family. They are great people and I actually prefer spending time with them over my own family, so it would suck to lose them. Lastly, obviously I want to get remarried at some point and I feel like it would be awkward to invite people who were at my first wedding (parents, various other family and friends) to another one. So part of my question is how do you deal with a wedding that isn't your first?

In addition to wanting a divorce, I also went to a conference for week a few weeks ago and met a woman who lives in my area and actually works at the company that my boss used to work for, so they're friends. This woman is absolutely beautiful and we seem to have a few things in common.

For starters, she is significantly less anti-social than my wife. After the conference there was a big after party. We were both drinking and dancing and having a good time, something my wife would never do. Towards the end of the party we left and went back to the hotel lobby, had a few drinks, and just talked for a couple hours. Since getting back, we've had lunch together twice, on Fridays, and I want to indicate to her that I like her and I'm interested, without messing anything up.

When I met her, she knew I was married, but I don't wear my ring when we have lunch together, I guess because I want her to think I'm available. I haven't mentioned to her that I want a divorce, partially because I don't want her to think it's because of her, and partially because I have no idea how she feels about me. I kinda think she might like me, since she wanted to have lunch and we already have plans for next Friday, but I also might be an idiot and just reading too much into it.

So basically, how do I get my wife to want a divorce so it's mutual, and also how do I find out how this other woman feels about me and let her know I'm interested in a relationship with her, pending a divorce?

You need to cut off contact with this new woman and you need to be honest that you are very much married. If she knows you are married - what kind of character does she have in the first place? Probably not a good one.

You need to go to marriage counseling with your wife.

For goodness sake, you are already talking about a "second marriage?" And wondering about inviting your inlaws?? Hold the phone. I am betting that you never tried marriage counseling, that you just decided "eh, we don't see eye to eye, its over". Also, you want this wrapped up with a neat bow - that you want your wife "to want divorce" -- good luck with that.

I understand that sometimes couples don't get along, but i think you come up as incredibly selfish.

You do not speak of cheating or abuse or gambling addictions. I bet your marriage just needs the spark back or you need to go to counseling.

Wow, some people move fast.

You wanting it to be mutual may be a psychological way of wanting the divorce to be accepted, relieving yourself of some guilt. You seeking out this other woman also supports that theory.

You need to own up to your true desires and personal deficiencies and speak to your wife and possibly a therapist. Let this other woman know that you need some space why you figure things out with your wife first. She will respect you for this.

What's wrong with the marriage and why so soon after marrying? There's no such thing as "mutual divorce". You have to ask/file since you're the one who wants it. Start by getting a consult with an attorney to sort out your options. Don't worry about the guest list for your next wedding just yet. After the attorney fees (you'll pay one way or the other, since she earns less), moving costs and all the other costs...you may want to elope.

I want her to also want a divorce instead of me just asking for one. I feel like it would be awkward to invite people who were at my first wedding (parents, various other family and friends) to another one.

Yes, it does seem like I'm moving fast because I just met this other woman a few weeks ago, but I have no intention of getting re-married anytime soon. My mind just tends to skip ahead a bit when I think about things and possible future scenarios.

As for what's wrong and why so "soon" after marrying - it really doesn't feel like this is soon. It feels like we've been together for a long time. Like I mentioned in the original post, she's very anti-social. She refuses to talk to anyone she doesn't know. There was a family reunion we went to a couple years ago and we were having a conversation with my dad's cousin. He asked her a question about her job and she just stared at him refusing to answer. Last year we went to my high school reunion and she sat at a table as far away from everyone as possible and stared at her phone the whole time. There will even be times (somewhat frequently) that I'll ask her a question about something and she'll act as if I don't exist and completely ignore me, without me having a clue as to why she would possibly be upset in the first place.

She's very hypocritical, often demanding things of me that she won't do herself. For instance, when laying in bed, she insists that I lay on my side facing her, regardless of whether or not I'm actually comfortable, but yet she'll lay down any way she wants, including with her back to me, which I normally wouldn't care about, except that she demands I face her. She'll spend all day on her phone or computer, but get mad at me for doing the same. She'll be in the kitchen preparing her lunch for tomorrow and I'll head to bed then she'll ask why I left the kitchen light on, and I'll have to get out of bed to go turn it off.

We have a decent collection of movies that we never watch. I'll ask if she wants to watch a movie, she'll say sure, and I'll go through our entire list with her saying no to every single one. Eating out is a nightmare. She'll claim she's hungry, so I ask what she wants (the answer is always "I don't know") so then I'll suggest 10 different restaurants and she'll reject them all. I'm not allowed to spend any time with work friends outside of work, ever. If a coworker invites me over for whatever, she gets mad if I even ask to go, even if I suggest she come along, because she's so anti-social.

I hate swimming. As a sophomore in high school I almost drowned, but was saved by one of my friends. As a result, I avoid swimming whenever possible, especially if the water is more than 5 feet deep. She knows this, and knows that it just stresses me out and makes me anxious, but she loves swimming and insists I go with her at every possible instance, refusing to just go by herself (our apartment complex has a pool about 100 feet from our back door).

She's overly critical and gets mad at me for not knowing things only she knows. The other day I asked where the zip-lock bags were, to which she replied "in the cupboard right there" without even looking at me or pointing in any direction. I replied that there were a lot of cupboards, and wanted to know which one specifically, but she stopped responding. She complains about my driving unless I drive like someone's grandma.

She doesn't want kids. I really do, and she begrudgingly accepted the idea, but every once in a while she'll say something that reminds me that she doesn't actually want any, and I can't imagine living my life without children of my own.

I could keep going, but essentially I feel more like I'm living with a prison warden who lets me out of the house to go to work than a wife. We've had marriage counseling before, but nothing really changed. I just want out. I'm more than happy to give her the car (we have 2 vehicles, both in my name) and pay for moving costs so she can go back home closer to her family and friends but even with everything I just typed above, I still feel guilty asking for a divorce in the first place. I feel like I'd be letting down my parents (who were married 3 times each before I was born), my sister, her family, pretty much everyone.

Meeting this other woman was just a happy coincidence, and got me thinking about what life could be like if I was with her instead. I just don't want to pursue anything until a divorce has been filed, so for now we just have casual lunch together once a week (we pay for ourselves), mostly talk about work, and I'm getting to know her a little bit at a time.

OP,

Yes, divorce now. Better now than later. Before you choose your next gf, address your own emotional/psychological health. What about you caused you to choose your wife and to go forward with the marriage, overlooking these behaviors despite importance to you? We tend to attract a mirror image of ourselves, people who share our subconscious strengths and fears, but compensate for them in a manner opposite to our own.

Simple example - if a husbnd is, say, insecure and clingy, then it is likely his wife is insecure and aloof/commitment-phobic.

We change so much, if we take the opportunity, when we marry and divorce. You will be glad to have kept yourself independent enough to learn and change however you choose.

Well....why on earth you married your wife is a bit difficult to grasp and something that you NEED to grasp before you jump into any other relationship.

This new woman - you are pretty darn close to cheating. Do yourself a favor and knock it off. Trust me when I say that cheating on your wife isn't going to make your life or divorce better and it will definitely NOT lead into a better relationship. No sane healthy woman will ever get involved with a married man and help him cheat.

You do need to own the issues in your marriage, stop kidding yourself about mutual divorce and just go ahead tell her that you want a divorce and that you are serious about it. Yes, she will be hurt, yes there will be consequences and fall out, yes you will need to do deal with that. In other words grow up and act like an adult and make choices you can live with and make sure that those are the choices you really want. I can guarantee you one thing - this woman you are flirting and connecting with, your wife finding out what a cheating low life you are is going to hurt her a million times worse than divorce. Don't be that guy, don't do that to her. Just end things as cleanly and fairly as possible and address your personal issues. Your behavior screams personal problems.

Did you discuss having kids before you got married?

ALso why do you have to ask permission to go out with work mates?

If you don't love your wife, then divorce her -- but i still encourage marriage counseling. What brought you together in the first place? It is not an arranged marriage, I assume, so why did you marry eachother?

But whatever you do - cut it off with this woman!

No good can come of it. She looks really good right now, but you are not even ABLE to date. You are married! There is no way to just leave your wife and go off with this woman. If she is worth her salt, she will NOT knowingly date a married man OR want to be his shoulder during a divorce.

You need to consult an attorney. It's not your call who gets what and who goes where, etc. Her attorney, your attorney and the courts decide that. It's not like breaking up with a gf, where you say you keep this, I'll keep that. Once you marry, you enter a legal contract and much of what you have may be considered joint property. Your coworker may not want anything to do with you when she finds out you're married and/or until the divorce is over...that could take mos. or yrs.

I just want out. I'm more than happy to give her the car and pay for moving costs. I just don't want to pursue anything until a divorce has been filed.

My guess is you're struggling with adulterers mindset: the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

If so, you'll never find the perfect woman. (Yep, the dancing girl is far from perfect. She most likely knows you're married... and is okay with it!)

Yep, a lot of affairs start with a version of the "wife doesn't understand me" line.

the dancing girl is far from perfect. She most likely knows you're married... and is okay with it!

Yes, it does seem like I'm moving fast because I just met this other woman a few weeks ago, but I have no intention of getting re-married anytime soon. My mind just tends to skip ahead a bit when I think about things and possible future scenarios.

 

As for what's wrong and why so "soon" after marrying - it really doesn't feel like this is soon. It feels like we've been together for a long time. Like I mentioned in the original post, she's very anti-social. She refuses to talk to anyone she doesn't know. There was a family reunion we went to a couple years ago and we were having a conversation with my dad's cousin. He asked her a question about her job and she just stared at him refusing to answer. Last year we went to my high school reunion and she sat at a table as far away from everyone as possible and stared at her phone the whole time. There will even be times (somewhat frequently) that I'll ask her a question about something and she'll act as if I don't exist and completely ignore me, without me having a clue as to why she would possibly be upset in the first place.

 

She's very hypocritical, often demanding things of me that she won't do herself. For instance, when laying in bed, she insists that I lay on my side facing her, regardless of whether or not I'm actually comfortable, but yet she'll lay down any way she wants, including with her back to me, which I normally wouldn't care about, except that she demands I face her. She'll spend all day on her phone or computer, but get mad at me for doing the same. She'll be in the kitchen preparing her lunch for tomorrow and I'll head to bed then she'll ask why I left the kitchen light on, and I'll have to get out of bed to go turn it off.

 

We have a decent collection of movies that we never watch. I'll ask if she wants to watch a movie, she'll say sure, and I'll go through our entire list with her saying no to every single one. Eating out is a nightmare. She'll claim she's hungry, so I ask what she wants (the answer is always "I don't know") so then I'll suggest 10 different restaurants and she'll reject them all. I'm not allowed to spend any time with work friends outside of work, ever. If a coworker invites me over for whatever, she gets mad if I even ask to go, even if I suggest she come along, because she's so anti-social.

 

I hate swimming. As a sophomore in high school I almost drowned, but was saved by one of my friends. As a result, I avoid swimming whenever possible, especially if the water is more than 5 feet deep. She knows this, and knows that it just stresses me out and makes me anxious, but she loves swimming and insists I go with her at every possible instance, refusing to just go by herself (our apartment complex has a pool about 100 feet from our back door).

 

She's overly critical and gets mad at me for not knowing things only she knows. The other day I asked where the zip-lock bags were, to which she replied "in the cupboard right there" without even looking at me or pointing in any direction. I replied that there were a lot of cupboards, and wanted to know which one specifically, but she stopped responding. She complains about my driving unless I drive like someone's grandma.

 

She doesn't want kids. I really do, and she begrudgingly accepted the idea, but every once in a while she'll say something that reminds me that she doesn't actually want any, and I can't imagine living my life without children of my own.

 

I could keep going, but essentially I feel more like I'm living with a prison warden who lets me out of the house to go to work than a wife. We've had marriage counseling before, but nothing really changed. I just want out. I'm more than happy to give her the car (we have 2 vehicles, both in my name) and pay for moving costs so she can go back home closer to her family and friends but even with everything I just typed above, I still feel guilty asking for a divorce in the first place. I feel like I'd be letting down my parents (who were married 3 times each before I was born), my sister, her family, pretty much everyone.

 

Meeting this other woman was just a happy coincidence, and got me thinking about what life could be like if I was with her instead. I just don't want to pursue anything until a divorce has been filed, so for now we just have casual lunch together once a week (we pay for ourselves), mostly talk about work, and I'm getting to know her a little bit at a time.

Have you reflected on who you are as a person? What has lead you here and what kind of cognitive dissonance that occurred to allow you NOT to see these qualities and marry this person?

Because those decision making flaws are still at play with this other woman since it's been so quick and you have not reflected on yourself nor seen a therapist.

The only good decision you've made so far is to ask for feedback from other people. If I was you, I would not put so much trust on my own decision making abilities based on you missing so many flags and creating another situation for yourself.

Is this an arranged marriage where your parents arranged it and you didn't know her well before you married? It sounds like you weren't ready to get married particularly to someone you have so much disrespect and disdain for.

It also sounds like you're quite passive and never speak up, preferring instead to stick it to her behind her back and force her hand to divorce you, so you come out smelling like a rose and saving face.

Considering the amount of time you're spending with your hopefully new mistress, it doesn't sound like a prison. It sounds like you need to speak up, stand up, file for divorce, be single and play the field.

I still feel guilty asking for a divorce in the first place. I feel like I'd be letting down my parents

No, it wasn't arranged, and I thought I knew her well before getting married, but her personality seemed to change over the past couple of years, and maybe that has to do with us moving out of state. Whenever we go on vacation back home to see our families and friends, she becomes more sociable and less controlling of me, probably because she has friends to spend time with, where she doesn't here.

I would agree that I'm more passive, I hate talking about difficult subjects in person and would much rather things just be done and over with, but I don't want to "stick it to her", I just want her to realize that we don't exactly make a great couple and we'd both be better off apart. I know she doesn't like her job here, or at least her boss and some of the people she works with, and would rather live back home closer to her family and friends, but my career field prevents us from living back there because there aren't any jobs in my specific field there. I can't remember the last time either of us told the other we loved each other.

I'm not happy, and I don't think she is either, but I still feel bad, with both of us having come from homes where our parents expect us to stay married forever, despite not doing so themselves.

In general when I'm going to give something up, I like to know that I'll have something else to replace it, like trading in a car or getting a new job or apartment. I'm not going to move somewhere without a job offer in the area, and I won't put in notice at my current job again unless I have an offer from another company. I hate uncertainty and prefer things to be planned out, so while meeting this other woman was a coincidence, it gives me someone to go to when I get divorced, which I never had until now, and maybe that's why I've waited so long. In part, being single sounds great, but I also want a relationship that will eventually lead to marriage and starting a family of my own. Being almost 30, I know a ton of people my age who have at least one child, usually that's a few years old.

And "the amount of time" I'm spending with this other woman is like 45 minutes during lunch one day per week. So it's not a lot, but I'm trying to get to know her a little bit at a time, in the hopes that by the time my divorce is finalized, we would know each other well enough to go on a few dates and start a relationship.

I think my plan for right now is wait a few months so I can save up some money for attorney fees and moving costs, and then talk to her about how this isn't working and file for a divorce.

It sounds like you are hoping to get with this coworker before you tell your wife that you want a divorce, so you have a backup plan secured. Why not just tell her it's not working and consult an attorney? The longer you wait, especially with this coworker on deck, the more expensive your divorce will be because your wife will go for the jugular at that point...and she will find out about your affair, don't kid yourself. The sooner you tell her and the more amicable you make it, the less it will cost you. Let her decide if she wants to move and the lawyers decide who gets what who pays for what, not you.

I like to know that I'll have something else to replace it, like trading in a car or getting a new job or apartment. so while meeting this other woman was a coincidence, it gives me someone to go to when I get divorced. I think my plan for right now is wait a few months so I can save up some money for attorney fees and moving costs, and then talk to her about how this isn't working and file for a divorce.

It sounds like you are hoping to get with this coworker before you tell your wife that you want a divorce

That's the opposite of what I said, but ok. Also, she's not my coworker. She works for the company that my boss used to work for. So the only time I ever see her is over lunch one time a week, where we just talk, mostly about work, and we pay for ourselves. That's hardly an affair.

And the only reason I'm waiting at this point is so I'll have some money saved up for it. I've got some other debts I'm close to paying off, so I want that done first before I incur any new expenses.

Wow!

How many times on this forum have we seen someone wanting out AFTER they meet someone new that is all they ever wanted? You just want to trade up and want your wife to agree that the marriage was a mistake to ease your conscience. It is that simple.

You will have to be the bad guy in this, the only question is how much of a bad guy you will be? Stop all contact with this other woman, sit down and talk to YOUR WIFE about your unhappiness in the marriage and then decide what to do.

You are willing to throw away a marriage where you took serious vows in front of everyone without even trying to make it better. If you want to be able to look your friends and family in the face when it is all over then try and fix this and if it doesn't work then both of you will see it and then you can move forward with the divorce.

Lost

PS If this other woman finds out the real truth in all this I suspect she will run away...

That's the opposite of what I said, but ok. Also, she's not my coworker. She works for the company that my boss used to work for. So the only time I ever see her is over lunch one time a week, where we just talk, mostly about work, and we pay for ourselves. That's hardly an affair.

 

And the only reason I'm waiting at this point is so I'll have some money saved up for it. I've got some other debts I'm close to paying off, so I want that done first before I incur any new expenses.

You are enchanted by this woman and are considering speeding up a divorce because of the attraction to this woman. you don't have to smack body parts to be unfaithful to your wife.

Or tell his wife and then the price tag/drama will go up exponentially.

If this other woman finds out the real truth in all this I suspect she will run away...

Wow!

 

How many times on this forum have we seen someone wanting out AFTER they meet someone new

Actually, I stated several times that I've been unhappy and wanting a divorce for a while now, over a year, and meeting this other woman was a recent coincidence.

The reading comprehension on this thread has really deteriorated. Because of this, and because some of you are judgement-passing s (looking at you, abitbroken), I'll no longer be responding to or checking on this thread.

While some of you did try to offer helpful advice, and actually bothered to read what I wrote, I feel like the biggest help in all this was simply the opportunity to write down my thoughts and feelings on the situation so I can use that later when discussing with my wife, and eventually an attorney, why I want a divorce.

Actually, I stated several times that I've been unhappy and wanting a divorce for a while now, over a year, and meeting this other woman was a recent coincidence.

 

The reading comprehension on this thread has really deteriorated. Because of this, and because some of you are judgement-passing s (looking at you, abitbroken), I'll no longer be responding to or checking on this thread.

 

While some of you did try to offer helpful advice, and actually bothered to read what I wrote, I feel like the biggest help in all this was simply the opportunity to write down my thoughts and feelings on the situation so I can use that later when discussing with my wife, and eventually an attorney, why I want a divorce.

Well -- if you feel that the voice of reason or common sense is judgemental, then that is really saying something. There is no scenario on earth where you get to divorce your wife with no fuss and exactly how you want it and automatically get the new lady. Life is much messier than that and you need to own your part in things.

"being unhappy" or happy is something inside yourself that you can only fix.

But have you talked about CONCRETE issues with your wife that you could work on together? As far as voicing that you don't prefer to lay in bed like she likes you to and suggesting how you would be happy in that manner, as far as telling her you know that she stays separate at parties - and that you are concerned about it (she could have severe anxiety, but she goes to parties because she knows you love to go vs not going at all even though its hard for her). "i'm not happy doesn't cut the muster - you have to deal with all of these problems individually. Marriage is not a product that you return when you are "unhappy" - it takes pulling up your big boy/big girl pants and working at it. If you leave --- the shine will dull off the new woman quickly, i guarantee it.

If you don't want to deal with them - then leave -- but your wife deserves more than this crap == of her husband carrying on lunch and flirtation with another woman and just hoping wife silently disappears.

I agree 100% with artibroken.

Read your own words. Saying you have been unhappy for a year or ten years means nothing if you have done zero to make it better. The rewrite of history is the first thing cheaters do to lesson their betrayal and lies. If you think being unhappy somehow absolves your actions you are wrong. That is blaming your wife for your unhappiness which is selfish and wrong. Looking to her to MAKE you happy is a huge mistake, sure she may have issues and things may be hard but if you haven't even tried to work them out what does that say about your commitment to her and the marriage?

What if this new woman becomes ill or gains a lot of weight? How long before you are unhappy about that and toss her aside? You may simply not be capable of the type of deep love a true relationship requires to survive.

Good luck and please make it as easy on your wife as possible when you break her heart.

Lost