I feel really distant from my Daughter.

Hi everyone. I need some advice on dealing with my feelings.

I was divorced when my Son was 12 & my Daughter was 5. I had to work fulltime, and long hours because my ex lied about his income & he only paid me $200 a month. I tried my best. I didnt start dating til my Daughter was older, as I didnt want to have men around the house while my kids were growing up. Even while dating my kids never met anyone til it was serious, and then they have only met 2 guys.

My Daughter has never really talked about her feelings. She suffers from anxiety and panic attacks, to the point of passing out from them. I found a good mental health clinic near us & they helped her deal with problems. She never discussed what was going on, even though I asked.

My Sister comitted suicide when my Daughter was 17. That really affected her badly, to the point where she left school & started working, as she couldnt concentrate to study.

She is now 25 and recently married.

We have never had the relationship I would love to have with her. My Mother was never there for my Sisters & I, and my Daughter knows I would do anything for her & I love her to the moon & back, but I just feel so distant from her.

I am not needy & clingy, I give her space. I just feel that she only contacts me when she wants/needs something and that is hard to accept.

I have sent her text messages that she hasnt replied to, and that hurts as I know she is tied to her phone 24/7.

While planning her kitchen tea & wedding I heard from her constantly, but now that it is all over it is back to how it was before.

She linked me in a post of a pasta dish at her local restaurant so I asked when we can go & have it & she said she is busy all the times I suggested. I truely understand that they are busy, and I dont expect them to drop everything for me, but the pasta is only available to the end of the month

My Son & I get on very well. We have the same sense of humour, we like the same movies, we laugh at the same stupid stuff. My Daughter on the other hand is the complete opposite, and we really dont have that much in common.

I suppose I just need to be there when she needs me & enjoy the times we do share together. It just hurts when my friends tell me how much time they spend with their Daughters, how they speak to them everyday, how they know what is going on in their lives.

Please be kind to me with your replies.

I don’t know what to say other than I am sorry you both feel so distant. Could it be that you had more time to spend with your son more time getting to know him ? We have such little time to get to know our children actually . It’s unfortunate you had to work such long hours when she was young . Maybe that is where the disconnect comes from ?

Wow, I actually never thought about that. You are probably right. I worked part time when he was little.

I just feel like I am not the Mum she wants. I perceive she wants Mrs Brady and everything to be all shiny & bright & happy. She will bring up a subject & if I have an opinion that is opposite to hers then she will close the discussion down & say "I dont want to talk about negative things". It like if I dont agree with her then there is nothing to talk about.

Does she perceive her childhood as unhappy?

I have never asked, but I am sure she does :-(

As with many with anxiety and panic issues any kind of perceived conflict and or perceived negativity anxiety can really ramp up so we withdraw. As someone with an anxiety and panic disorder I can understand her need to with draw even if you are probably not being negative it could be she is perceiving it that way . She could be perceiving lack of agreement with her as confrontation or negativity and can’t tolerate it . I’m not saying you’re doing anything wrong . Just understand that withdrawing is the survival technique . Non-communication becomes a survival technique . Communication is very difficult when you are anxiety ridden .

She does do that. We can be texting & I will say something that she obviously didnt like & she just stops replying.

I am not trying to be negative, but I am a very honest & upfront person, so it seems that our communication styles dont mesh well together.

Thank you Seraphim, you have told me things I didnt know. I feel a lot better already.

Yes, I would not give up hope. My mom and my brother have got to know each other much much better the past five years or so . My mom didn’t have a lot of time to spend with my brother that she did with me . And then he got married to a jealous awful person who did not want him spending any time with his family . When he separated from her him and my mother got to know each other a lot better . They made up for a lot of lost time .

She does do that. We can be texting & I will say something that she obviously didnt like & she just stops replying.

I am not trying to be negative, but I am a very honest & upfront person, so it seems that our communication styles dont mesh well together.

 

Thank you Seraphim, you have told me things I didnt know. I feel a lot better already.

You can still be upfront and honest but do it in a gentle way . She obviously needs a little more gentle handling . There have been times too where my mother has felt being brutally honest is the best policy. And I have felt it was highly unnecessary and brutal and refused to talk to her afterwards . And there have been times where I have refused pick up my phone or text her back . Honesty can also be soft . ❤️

Thank you for your time & help

Thank you for your time & help

No problem. I hope you and your daughter find a way to each other . I always felt I had a very strong relationship with my mother but it was also very intense and at times negative . Sometimes she would relate to me in very harmful ways and I would just become enraged. But through therapy I learned to understand what I was enraged about and put more boundaries in place between my mother and I because we were very codependent . A lot of trauma had destroyed parts of our relationship . But now we have that balance . I can tell her what bothers me without becoming angry . And she knows when to step back .

Maybe if you and your daughter could do therapy together and learn to communicate with each other in a way that’s agreeable to both .

You have opened my eyes to a lot of things. I have tried to treat my children the same & it obviously isnt working. The way my Son & I interact is completely different to how I need to be with her.

It also makes total sense on why she married the man she did. I didnt get it til now.

I will have to learn to "rein myself in" as it were, Im obviously way too strong & in your face for her, and I can now see why.

Lots of work on myself & see if things improve!!

Well ,you can’t give people the same treatment but the same opportunities . Know what I mean? They are different people with different personalities . You can give them the same amount of material possessions but according to what they like . You can give them the same amount of love but according to what they need . You can treat people according to their personality and still be honest and give them equal opportunity to succeed .

You have opened my eyes to a lot of things. I have tried to treat my children the same & it obviously isnt working. The way my Son & I interact is completely different to how I need to be with her.

It also makes total sense on why she married the man she did. I didnt get it til now.

 

I will have to learn to "rein myself in" as it were, Im obviously way too strong & in your face for her, and I can now see why.

 

Lots of work on myself & see if things improve!!

Mother and daughter relationships..sigh. I can't really advise you on what to do but I'll tell you my feelings as a daughter whose mum always wants more from her.

I too have a mother who is very strong and opinionated and 'in your face'. I have, at times, ignored her calls or avoided her because I just can't deal with it.

It comes down to being different people. My brother is more like her. He can take her 'opinions' and give it back twice as hard. I just feel controlled and judged from her strong interest in my life.

The best thing my mum could ever do is be happy for me as I am - not want me to be like her. If she treated me like a cousin, a friend, a niece, all would be well because she shows respect and humility to their perspectives and lives. But with me she is very attached and so everything I do is very important to her. This makes her more involved than she should be.

I hated my mom as a 4 year old till I was about 30. And I didn't even realize it. It wasn't hate, but more I couldn't trust her, and I always saw her as withholding emotionally and physically (never there for any of my events at school), latch key kid from age 7+, and it took me going to the Landmark Forum to realize I had been holding onto a grudge since I was a child when she first hit me for stealing something, which I didn't realize was wrong at the age of 4, nor did she explain what and why I was getting hit, hence the mistrust.

Then, I realized at the Forum that I had been having my 4 year old self dictate my relationship with my mom. Ever since then, we now are very close, and gab about everything, and I feel good telling her about anything.

Tell her your regrets, and ask her that you really want to work towards being more to eachother in each other's lives.

It has nothing to do with working full-time. Sometimes people get into their own heads that they can't say something or it can't be a certain way because of this, this, and that. Call her, and acknowledge that you both haven't been close, but really want to.

Thank you everyone for your input, I really appreciate it.

I sent her a text last night & we chatted for a little while.

I was not my "usual self" and it was a really good conversation.

My brother is more like her. He can take her 'opinions' and give it back twice as hard. This is exactly how my Son & I are lol

What brought all this up is while getting dressed for her wedding she had a major panic attack. I have never seen this before. She must have kept this hidden from me. I didnt know what to do, and I started thinking about a lot of things.

I really, really tried to be a good Mum, as my Mother married 5 different men, and my childhood was hell. Hence the no dating rule while my kids were growing up.

I will take everything you said to me onboard.

Tell her your regrets, and ask her that you really want to work towards being more to eachother in each other's lives.

 

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Do not call her up to have a "talk" about this. If there is a time when she opens up to you -- then go for it. But don't just launch into it because she may not be ready or see you as attacking her. When she has kids it would be more natural to open up and chat when she asks you for parenting advice.

Thank you everyone for your input, I really appreciate it.

I sent her a text last night & we chatted for a little while.

I was not my "usual self" and it was a really good conversation.

 

My brother is more like her. He can take her 'opinions' and give it back twice as hard. This is exactly how my Son & I are lol

 

What brought all this up is while getting dressed for her wedding she had a major panic attack. I have never seen this before. She must have kept this hidden from me. I didnt know what to do, and I started thinking about a lot of things.

I really, really tried to be a good Mum, as my Mother married 5 different men, and my childhood was hell. Hence the no dating rule while my kids were growing up.

 

I will take everything you said to me onboard.

I’m sure you are a great mom . Kids just don’t come with manuals. And we only do the best with what we know at the time . And it’s great that you’re willing to be different to get a better relationship with her .

Do not call her up to have a "talk" about this. If there is a time when she opens up to you -- then go for it. But don't just launch into it because she may not be ready or see you as attacking her. When she has kids it would be more natural to open up and chat when she asks you for parenting advice.

No, I wasnt going to call her and have the talk. I think that would scare the hell out of her lol

shellyf62 I think you have gotten some good advice here and you seem to be moving in positive directions with this. I am not sure if I can help but I just sincerely wish you and your family the best. You clearly love her so much. She is lucky to have you as her mom. You struggled, and it can't have been easy. I do not have children but I am a daughter. I often think that our relationships with our families are so complex and they go through shifts over time. There were times when I was distant from my mother, and times when I was closer. I think the worst thing is to compare yourself to other mother/daughter relationships because everyone is different. And maybe even some of those relationships that look like sunshine and roses on the outside, might not actually be all they appear to be. One of the most important things you are doing is showing your daughter that you love her, and you're not going anywhere. Your love is unconditional and when she's ready, you will always be open to growing closer to her. She may even need a few years of feeling independent in her own womanhood, finding herself, figuring out who she is apart from her family. That's totally healthy. And then she may feel more comfortable with a closer relationship with you.