Need affirmation about my decision post breakup with my (ex) fiancee

Hi eNotAlone

I was in a relationship for 5 1/2 years, we had been living together for almost 2 years and we got engaged in August last year.

In March, my (now ex) fiancee had some sort of a meltdown. We had a massive (and abusive) fight back in January which she claimed had affected her to feel that the relationship had past a point of no return. She was lacking direction in life in regards to her career as well as general unhappiness with being in a domestic relationship where she admitted she was not contributing enough to the household. She also suffers from mental illness which has been managed a lot better in recent times compared to at the start of our relationship.

She wanted to go on a 'break', something that I didn't agree with but had no choice to accept. Shortly after, one night my mate wants to watch the basketball with me which she encourage me to do. During the evening I got a message from her saying she was going to go to her mum's house and spend time with her step-father. I got home at 11:30pm and she was not home which was surprising and she didn't return home until the next day. She came home and broke down, saying she went to her rockclimbing friend's house, had a little too much to drink and ended up kissing him. She claimed (still to this day) that because we were on a break, this wasn't cheating because we were on a break. We agreed that if we weren't together, she should move out (back to her mum's), we split the bank accounts, sorted out the bills. and become totally accountable for our own lives.

This left me in a situation where I was responsible for paying the rent for a 2 bedroom apartment by myself (we signed a 12 month lease in February), and the cat we owned (which belonged to my ex's late step-dad's family) would stay with me and be my responsibility. I felt like I had no choices in how this played out. I have been deserted with an engagement ring that belongs to no one and I was coming home to an empty house (where she got to come her to her family). I started going to the gym, eating better and enjoying my time alone to watch sports, play games and spend time with people. During this time we were still in contact and she was regretful for how she managed the situation. Worth mentioning that during this time she went on an actual date with the rockclimber and she said that while it was nice, it was not relationship material.

The reason we were still in contact was we've had an overseas trip booked since November for May which we were both determined to go on. A lot of people said I should not go, but I was determined to go on the holiday that I had spent thousands of dollars on. So we went. The holiday was like a rollercoaster, for the first bit we were good friends who got along well. Then there was an incident in a nightclub where she started hooking up with a guy when I was standing a foot away. I was angry about that because I felt like we were meant to be there as friends together and she ditched me to hook up with someone. After that I was upset for a few days, then we started getting close again, we were intimate a couple of times and acting like we were in a relationship again. Then towards the end of the holiday, I started thinking about my situation back home and I felt like I had to disconnect from this because nothing regarding our relationship would have been fixed.

We got home, said our goodbyes and went our separate ways. I decided to go onto Plenty of Fish to see if I could meet women to go on date with. I feel emotionally available and happy with the way my life is after all the changes I made. I went on a date on Friday night and Sunday afternoon, both with very nice women who I had a great time talking to and both seem keen to meet again.

Sunday night, I got a call from my ex. The phone call was basically her wanting to get back into a relationship with me. Her justification of this was that it was apparent we still loved each other based on the holiday we had and she didn't want to lose everything we built over the last 5.5 years. However I feel like none of the issues with our relationship had been sorted out. I am still somewhat resentful for her leaving me in the domestic situation I'm in and for her behaviour with other men. I lied to her when she asked whether I was going to start dating again because I didn't want to completely break her, and frankly it is none of her business what I do now that we are not together. She asked me if I still love her, and I couldn't give her an answer because when I think about that I am filled with thoughts of everything she has put me through over the last couple of months. So I told her no, I am not willing to get back into a relationship with her at this stage.

This morning, I have been thinking about whether I had handled this the right way. Any input would be greatly appreciated and I'm happy to clarify any details I may have missed. Thanks in advance

I think you've covered everything. I think you're correct. You should move on without her. There's no guarantee that by Monday she wouldn't change her mind and the relationship would be off again. If I were you, I would place an ad on Craigslist for a roommate to cover half of your rent and continue dating the women you met online. You don't have to sacrifice any future happiness to placate her. Urge her to get help for her mental state and wish her well.

Thanks for the reply DanZee

I did point that out to her, that she left once and there was no guarantee that she wouldn't change her mind again.

Unfortunately, I am unable to get a roommate in due to the terms of the lease where I can't sublet to anyone. Also my ex is still on the lease which I am yet to sort out as the house is filled with her stuff. I will just have to continue to pay for the unit myself, however I'm really happy with the unit itself and the location so other than being a little more than I would pay it suits my life.

Very unhealthy relationship. This girl is mess. She does not respect, or love you.

Please go NC, and move on with your life!

Thanks for the reply Hollyj, I totally agree the relationship is unhealthy and she would be first to admit she is a mess. She says she loves me and I believe her due to the way she poured her heart out to me last night and some of her behaviour was disrespectful, but she doesn't disrespect me as a person otherwise the holiday would have been a lot more hostile. But that isn't enough to justify trying to make things work again

I think the disrespect came with the other guy. Damn! Right in front of you.

I think you need address what attracted you to such a chaotic relationship. Are you usually attracted to such dramatic women?

Love is not enough. The abuse is all the reason it should be done.

Who paid for the trip?

she has some changes to make and growing to do b4 you can even believe her...

keep going! Happy with your place, your dates, your doing well....

I think you need address what attracted you to such a chaotic relationship. Are you usually attracted to such dramatic women?

Good question. We get along really well as friends, we have the same sense of humour and generally enjoy each others company. The drama is a result of our poor conflict resolution skills. We escalate instead of resolving early. I forgot to mention that after the fight in January I booked us in for a workshop for learning skills in conflict resolution. I did my initial consult, yet she didn't (I reminded her for weeks to do it) and we never ended up going. Another one of the other reasons I don't feel confident about resuming the relationship. I mentioned this to her last night that I am not willing to go do a workshop on a relationship that ended months ago. In the future I will be looking for someone who is forgiving and is able to let emotions go.

Who paid for the trip?

The airfares and hotels were paid out of our joint account when we together. However when we were over there with our separate bank accounts, we paid for our own stuff and worked out fair ways to split bills

Thanks for the kind words Lambert, I agree entirely she does have a lot of growing to do. What I'm struggling with at the moment is I don't want her to go on a downward spiral based on me rejecting her because I still care for her despite not wanting a relationship with her. I'm trusting my gut and saying no to her.

No, there is no way I would advise trying again with her.

Look, she left you to test-drive other guys. She didn't even have the respect not to do so right in front of you on your holiday. Now that she's not getting any bites as a single woman, she wants to come back.

Her heart was gone from you a long time ago. I can just about guarantee she will bounce again, as I don't believe she's asking for you back for the right reasons. Whether or not she goes on a downward spiral isn't your problem anymore. Harsh? Probably. But she didn't give you the same care and consideration when she called a break to date another guy or tried to hook up with another guy right under your nose on vacation. You have been too passive; it's time to find your backbone and start saying "no."