Consumed by guilt

I know I am beating a dead horse but I am consumed by guilt and remorse over my current situation (getting divorced). I know that sex is extremely important to a guy. I get that. My soon-to-be husband has been asking me for years to be in control of his orgasms and to do some odd sexual things. He wants me to allow him to come. That said, he even gave me a list of what he likes for my benefit/convenience. I do some of the things that he likes but then I get off track. I feel that I've made a sincere effort to compromise. For some reason, unbeknownst to me (though not totally), I have a hard time getting back on track. Let me make it clear that I never deny him sex, ever. Also, I please him with oral sex nearly even night but I "allow" him to come. I now understand that this was my downfall.

A few days ago, I spoke with a person who I'm very close to (male), and he explained that, even though I pleased him nearly every night, I did what I thought he liked when I should have done what HE specifically requested. Looking back, it doesn't seem like a hard request to fulfill. I just didn't like the frequency with which he wanted (and some of the things he wanted): a little something for 10-15 minutes every day, even twice a day. To me, this seems a bit silly and just too much. I am now wondering if I am to be blamed for the divorce. I believe that I am and I feel awful. He claims to have been unhappy for about 4 years now. Lastly, we have been married for nearly 29 years. Please share your opinions. I would very much appreciate it. Thank you.

Why should you have done "what HE specifically requested"? When it doesn't seem that anything was done for you? You know, quid pro quo and all that.

This is a man who is looking for something else. He'll probably go through his variety of BDSM women, and he may end up at 90 years old, still going through them.

I suspect he's wanted out for many more years than even he's said.

Yes, you're beating a dead horse, but I get it, married for 29 years & all.

Have you been to therapy? Found a lawyer?

I don’t know how many times we have to tell you you are being emotionally abused. And most likely you didn’t tell this “trusted “ male that your husband acts like a spoiled toddler if he doesn’t get it his way .

I really don’t know what we have to say to get through to you .

I just didn't like the frequency with which he wanted (and some of the things he wanted): a little something for 10-15 minutes every day, even twice a day. To me, this seems a bit silly and just too much. I am now wondering if I am to be blamed for the divorce. I believe that I am and I feel awful

In my current relationship, as the partner with the higher sex drive, I want you to know I had to adjust to my SO's frequency. We both enjoy intimacy with each other, but have different drives. I had to learn how to properly cope with that, which took quite an effort on my side. I only did this because I love my partner very much and I do not base the foundation of our relationship on the frequency/type of sex I want. As much as I enjoy sex, I do not want to force my partner to have more of it or make them do something they don't want to do. It feels like rape, otherwise, which is gross.

Your relationship, on the other hand, is based on sex. The frequency and quality of sex given to your husband is the difference between marriage and divorce. How can he ever say he loves you for you, and not because of the sex? He cannot. I have seen your other threads and his behavior has been atrocious for so long. You have tried time and again to please him. As a person with a high sex drive, I am ashamed such a person is being compared to those like myself in a serious relationship. This is not love.

You are blaming yourself for thinking you didn't love him right. My dear, the truth is he is the one who didn't love you right.

This male friend is not a therapist and is telling you if you did this fetish, precisely you wouldn't be getting divorced? Please talk to a trained professional about this. Should you be talking to male friends about these details of your sex life/marital problems?

I am now wondering if I am to be blamed for the divorce. I believe that I am and I feel awful. He claims to have been unhappy for about 4 years now.

Sounds like a shallow guy - especially if he was still getting his rocks off every single day. Bless your heart for trying!

There has to be more to it, I mean, if he wants a divorce because you went right when he wanted you to go left in the sack, then he's got other issues IMO.

Look, sex is important to us guys, yes. But damn...there's so much more to a relationship than playing out sexual fantasies.

I don't think you should feel any guilt at all. In fact, I think you should continue with the divorce and go find someone else (after a year or so) who appreciates you for who you are, instead of how you act in bed.

DAMN

You've written about this before, and you dont seem to be taking anyone's advice or comments to heart. Are you looking for a different answer? I cant figure out what it is you want someone here to tell you. Quit giving this guy nightly blow jobs if it bothers you so much.

Why should you have done "what HE specifically requested"? When it doesn't seem that anything was done for you? You know, quid pro quo and all that.

 

This is a man who is looking for something else. He'll probably go through his variety of BDSM women, and he may end up at 90 years old, still going through them.

 

I suspect he's wanted out for many more years than even he's said.

 

Yes, you're beating a dead horse, but I get it, married for 29 years & all.

 

Have you been to therapy? Found a lawyer?

That the point. I am totally satisfied with what he does to me; he is not with what I do to him.

Because you're normal and he's not.

I am totally satisfied with what he does to me; he is not with what I do to him.

I don’t know how many times we have to tell you you are being emotionally abused. And most likely you didn’t tell this “trusted “ male that your husband acts like a spoiled toddler if he doesn’t get it his way .

 

I really don’t know what we have to say to get through to you .

Please, be patient with me. I am in such a state of anguish. Yes, the divorce is definite; yes, I have a lawyer. I even had the luck of finding a beautiful apartment a couple of days ago. So, I am moving on but I do have to grieve to some degree because this is a huge loss to me. See, the problem is, I never saw his behavior as being "emotionally abusive". I guess I'm dense. Actually, I am very patient and regarded it as simply something he really wanted, and I was trying to compromise.

We have all addressed this issue very throughly. It is also disrespectful to those who have given you much support.

I don't understand what you are looking for?

In my current relationship, as the partner with the higher sex drive, I want you to know I had to adjust to my SO's frequency. We both enjoy intimacy with each other, but have different drives. I had to learn how to properly cope with that, which took quite an effort on my side. I only did this because I love my partner very much and I do not base the foundation of our relationship on the frequency/type of sex I want. As much as I enjoy sex, I do not want to force my partner to have more of it or make them do something they don't want to do. It feels like rape, otherwise, which is gross.

 

Your relationship, on the other hand, is based on sex. The frequency and quality of sex given to your husband is the difference between marriage and divorce. How can he ever say he loves you for you, and not because of the sex? He cannot. I have seen your other threads and his behavior has been atrocious for so long. You have tried time and again to please him. As a person with a high sex drive, I am ashamed such a person is being compared to those like myself in a serious relationship. This is not love.

 

You are blaming yourself for thinking you didn't love him right. My dear, the truth is he is the one who didn't love you right.

That makes sense. I do feel like it's my fault but not for lack of trying.

Seek professional help, goddess. You were in an emotionally abusive marriage for a very long time and there's only so much and online forum will offer you.

Please, be patient with me. I am in such a state of anguish. Yes, the divorce is definite; yes, I have a lawyer. I even had the luck of finding a beautiful apartment a couple of days ago. So, I am moving on but I do have to grieve to some degree because this is a huge loss to me. See, the problem is, I never saw his behavior as being "emotionally abusive". I guess I'm dense. Actually, I am very patient and regarded it as simply something he really wanted, and I was trying to compromise.

Absolutely, you have to grieve. 100% you need to. Good for you for starting to get your life together. I know in your position I would be devastated too. That I really get .

But we are not going to tell you his treatment of you is normal because it isn’t. He has some maturity issues.

I have taken your advice. I'm getting divorced. I did get a lawyer. And, I also found an apartment. I'd say that I am taking your comments to heart and I certainly don't intend to show disrespect. I also thank you for your support. I was simply asking if this whole thing was my fault and I'm trying to accept it but it's very hard. It is a loss, after all. I just didn't regard it as emotional abuse.

No, it is not your fault.

Absolutely, you have to grieve. 100% you need to. Good for you for starting to get your life together. I know in your position I would be devastated too. That I really get .

 

But we are not going to tell you his treatment of you is normal because it isn’t. He has some maturity issues.

Yes, I see that with more clarity now.

Sounds like a shallow guy - especially if he was still getting his rocks off every single day. Bless your heart for trying!

There has to be more to it, I mean, if he wants a divorce because you went right when he wanted you to go left in the sack, then he's got other issues IMO.

Look, sex is important to us guys, yes. But damn...there's so much more to a relationship than playing out sexual fantasies.

I don't think you should feel any guilt at all. In fact, I think you should continue with the divorce and go find someone else (after a year or so) who appreciates you for who you are, instead of how you act in bed.

DAMN

I feel 100% that way as well. Thank you for answering.

Several people on this thread have asked you, but you haven't answered, so I'll ask one more time:

Do you have a therapist?

Do not leave your house. Did this "friend" tell you to do that too? It sounds like he hates you. You haven't even spoken to an attorney, don't do foolish things. Do that first also see a therapist so an objective professional can define what's going on for you. You're not "moving on" you're playing with fire.

yes, I have a lawyer. I even had the luck of finding a beautiful apartment a couple of days ago.

Several people on this thread have asked you, but you haven't answered, so I'll ask one more time:

 

Do you have a therapist?

Not yet. Like I said, I've gotten a lawyer and an apartment. It's been 3 weeks today. I know of a therapist but need to call him.

I have taken your advice. I'm getting divorced. I did get a lawyer. And, I also found an apartment. I'd say that I am taking your comments to heart and I certainly don't intend to show disrespect. I also thank you for your support. I was simply asking if this whole thing was my fault and I'm trying to accept it but it's very hard. It is a loss, after all. I just didn't regard it as emotional abuse.

I think that it is great that you have found an attorney. Good for you.

None of this was your fault. We have all told you this. I think it is easier to blame yourself, then you do not have to face the fact that he was an abusive partner.

Not yet. Like I said, I've gotten a lawyer and an apartment. It's been 3 weeks today. I know of a therapist but need to call him.

Great, please call your therapist tomorrow morning, first thing, and book the earliest appointment.

As another poster said, you will only get so much from an advice board such as this. We are all just people who have gone through stuff, just like you. Unless I'm mistaken, most of us are not licensed therapists. We are just a small online support group.

Have you met with the lawyer? If not, when will you?

Please start making a list of all possessions, including approximate values. If you save receipts, then take pics of the receipts along with pics of the items themselves, and save all this in a personal file that only you can access.

Why didn't he leave the house? You and your child should not have to leave your home. That's terrible.

Stop letting this jerk walk all over you!

I think that it is pretty amazing that you have found an attorney and an apartment in such a short period. Good for you.

 

None of this was your fault. We have all told you this. I think it is easier to blame yourself, then you do not have to face the fact that he was an abusive partner.

Bingo! You are right.