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Thread: Boyfriend of ten years committed suicide and now I'm really struggling

  1. #1

    Boyfriend of ten years committed suicide and now I'm really struggling

    Recently I experienced the most tragic loss, I have ever had to face, my beautiful partner of ten years committed suicide and since his death I am struggling to think of reasons to live myself, his departing has put holes in my heart that cannot be filled, I feel beyond empty, emotionally drained every day, every morning I wake up and everything seems so futile, even something as simple as having a shower, every normal action has lost meaning, I've been told a number of things, such as "Time will heal all" And "You'll find someone else" "Things will get better" things that I feel are said with the best intentions but offer little comfort, I am totally and utterly lost without him, we talked of having children, maybe getting married, we were both studying, it really was such a shock for everyone who knew him. I knew he was depressed but I never thought he would take his own life.

    We met ten years ago when I was only seventeen, we fell hopelessly head over heels in love with each other, until I met him I had felt so out of place, he made everything better, made me a better person, over the ten years we were together, we had our ups and downs as any relationship but it remained clear, the love was always there, we had always been very open with one another regarding our feelings, his childhood wasn't the best, he hadn't seen his parents in nearly eight years and he had grown up in an environment where talking about feelings was discouraged, so I always thought it important that we should be able to talk to each other. Then over the last few months, something changed, he became closed off and distant, I would ask him what was wrong but he remained hesitant to talk about what was on his mind.

    Then one day, he was acting a bit strange, he seemed very agitated and worried, he asked me to go for a walk with him outside, once we were away from our house, he told me he thought people were following him, that he had done something which meant people were after him and they were going to hurt me and him if we didn't run away, he thought they were listening to us talk, following him home.
    I was gobsmacked, I had no idea what to say, if I expressed disbelief, it would really hurt him and he became more and more closed, if I believed him then I felt as if I was feeding his illness, I researched his symptoms and noted they were similar to that of a diagnosis of psychosis, this went on for a few weeks as he wouldn't let me talk to anyone, I urged him to go to the doctors but he refused, I decided to speak to my mum as she works as a counsellor, I told her he really needed someone to talk to, she informed me she would chat to him not as a counsellor but just as family, we went round to her house and she talked to him about how he was feeling, he told her similar to what he'd spoke about with me, that people were following him, not once did he express that he wanted to end his life. The only thing he said to me was he thought "It would be better if he wasn't here" however we spoke about that for a long time and he didn't suggest anything similar since. After going to talk to my mum, he appeared a bit happier, we went on some lovely day-trips, he was still slightly paranoid but no where near as severe as before. Then two weeks before he passed away, he became extremely withdrawn, he would barely speak to me at all, not leaving the house, not eating or sleeping properly. I begged him to go to the doctors, to talk his friends, his family or mine again, I begged him to talk to me about what was on his mind, but he would just tell me it was nothing.

    After another day of being in complete silence, I pleaded with him to tell me what was up, he told me he'd cheated on me again, 9 months ago and that was why he was acting so quiet and distant, he didn't mention any of the feelings he'd been having before, just told me "he was no good for me" and I was "better off without him" Obviously I was angry he cheated, we'd had problems similar in the past, so we argued, in fact got in a pretty big fight. I had struggled with mental health in the past and I told him "I wanted to die" I had been feeling pretty low myself for a while. We managed to talk things out but the next few days weren't the greatest, he was painfully quiet, he still didn't want to go out or do anything together, but because of what he'd told me I assumed he was just feeling guilty and when I asked him what was wrong, he would tell me he was acting that way, because he felt bad for cheating, so I didn't question it, because I believed him.

    The day he died, he was again very very quiet, he was an avid bmxer, so I suggested he go out on his bmx whilst I take some photos, he seemed as if he was hiding something, I asked him whether he was okay and he replied yes and that he'd be back in a bit, I said goodbye to him, an hour later, I phoned him to pick up some juice, he said he'd buy some on his way home, that was the last conversation we ever had. I noticed I'd had a missed call from him I tried to call back but no answer, The next thing I knew, my mum was at my front door telling me that Aaron had phoned her saying "He was going to do something stupid and that she'd need to look after me" My mum seemed confused by what he'd said, but my heart sank as soon as I heard those words, I lost count how many times I tried to phone him, they all went to answer phone, until a police woman answered, she informed me to go to my mums house and wait there for the police to come round, two officers walked in the room and told me he had jumped from a building, they had tried to resuscitate him, however he died at the scene. I will be forever haunted by those words, I don't remember much after that, my mum said I wouldn't stop screaming.

    So now I am left with those awful memories, I find it difficult to not relive that traumatic event in my mind, I hate that I missed a call from him, I will forever question what he would have said, Could I have stopped him if we spoke on the phone? I am plagued by guilt as he was in so much pain and I couldn't save him, I wish I'd had more time, I wish he'd spoken to me more, I hate myself for not phoning a doctor, I hate that he told me about the girl he cheated on me with, if he hadn't told me that, maybe I would have concentrated more on him, I hate myself for telling him I wanted to die, as I panic that he thought by killing himself in a bizarre way, he was saving me. Not only do I have to deal with all of this but his family have been extremely difficult and have been really horrible to myself and my family, blaming us, for whats happened to their son, despite the fact they hadn't seen him for eight years.

    I am completely shattered as a person, as I said everything seems so futile.
    I cannot get out of bed in the day, I have to finish university but I cannot concentrate on anything, I am on anti depressants, I can't sleep properly, I have barely any money as I've had to pay so much out on rent and bills as were living together, but I can't imagine applying for jobs, let alone working. I honestly cannot fathom life without him. We did everything together. I have a lovely family but it pains me to be around them as they remind me of what I had, my friends are amazing but they all have boyfriends, my best friend has been very supportive but she has a boyfriend who she always cheats on and it upsets me because she doesn't treat him very well and I'd give anything to have a boyfriend who loves me like hers does, I would give anything to have him back, to have my life back. I have been thinking about suicide myself as I just can't function anymore, how am I meant to continue my life without him? Please help with some advise, I feel as if I'm fighting a losing battle. thank you

  2. #2
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    Well, all I can tell you is that suicide solves nothing and it hurts a lot of people, particularly those in your family, who are scarred for the rest of their lives because of it. Also, when people are asked 10 years after a suicide attempt, everyone says they are happy they survived because they were able to experience everything that life offers. In your case, you will probably find a partner to spend the rest of your life with. You might have children and you will experience their love as well. And you will have the opportunity to leave the world a little bit better than it was. You won't forget your boyfriend but you will learn that life is worth living. And you can dedicate your life in his honor by remembering him and telling people about him. It's not your fault. Everyone must take responsibility over his or her own lives. And you must go on to live your life for him. Certainly mourn his passing, but you must go on.

  3. #3
    Forum Supporter Jibralta's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's horrendous.

    The pain will subside, but it will take time. You must be patient and put one foot in front of the other until you feel relief. Just go through the motions for now. Do what you can.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this happened. It has nothing to do with you. He clearly had psychiatric symptoms. Perhaps some grief counselling will help you.

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  6. #5
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    Please seek grief counseling right away. Call today to find someplace to go.

    Please know there is NOTHING you could have done to stop him. When someone is intent on committing suicide, you might have been able to delay it - by half an hour - a day -but people intent on committing suicide and are at the point where they can't be talked out of it. They will even isolate themselves. But in this case, it sounded like mental illness vs depression - like he had an altered reality.

  7. #6
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    "He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep, pain, which cannot forget, falls drop by drop upon the heart, until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God." Aeschylus.

    It's not fair, and it hurts, and you are reacting in the way that any normal person would react and you're feeling what anyone would feel right now. And many have felt this way, and will continue to do so. But you have something right now to hold onto, which is life. You're still here, even though it hurts to be here. Don't give that up. Every day you are getting stronger even though some days it might feel like you have shrunken to almost nothing. Some days you might feel angry with him and that's OK, too. For the sake of his memory, for the sake of your mother, it is important that you keep going. He was sick and you could not have fixed that or changed him. That was his choice and his alone. There is nothing you could have done to change his choices. He made that choice. And you don't have to. You can be stronger than that. Keep talking to people, please keep trying. You are loved.

  8. #7
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    OP, with regard to rent and bills and school - is there any way that you can get help? Can you take a leave of absence from school? Some programs allow that during times of personal crisis. Can you move in with your mother temporarily until you can get back on your feet, financially? This happening to you is the same as any kind of life-disrupting disaster, like a flood or a tornado, it has ripped apart the foundations of your daily life and you need help, of course! There is no shame in asking for help right now.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    It may not be the right time to say this, but this tragic story confirms the notion that suicide is an ultimate act of selfishness.

    It leaves those behind taking the blame, flooding with unanswered questions and finding it almost impossible to move on.

    I hope you find some much deserved comfort and peace.
    Please look into some counseling and support groups.
    You are not alone.

  10. #9
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    If he was that delusional then this may have been the only possible outcome. At least he's not suffering anymore.

  11. #10
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    Your story really affected me. I really want you to know you did everything right. Suicide may have been the way he was going to die regardless. But honestly you brought happiness to his life. Don't forget those happy memories. When I shut down and shut out those around me it's because it's too difficult to reconcile the dicodemy of feeling hopeless but also knowing there are people who love you. I don't know if the pain will get any better, but from reading your story you sound like you were his guardian angel.

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