Boyfriend clubbing/dancing with other girls.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We have our ups and downs but are completely and totally in love. The catch is he is 4 years younger than me. (I am 27, he's 23). I am realizing that I am coming to a point in my life where I still like to go out and have fun, but I want to find someone and settle down soon. I have talked to him about this and have told him I am worried I will take away from his early twenties and he has reassured me that I have nothing to worry about. To cut to the chase, we fight primarily about ONE thing; he like's to go out and go clubbing and swing dance with other girls. He tells me that they are girls he went to school with or friends but I can't help but feel uncomfortable about it. I have expressed this to him and he tells me each time that I have nothing to worry about, and he always comes home to me at the end of the night.

Last night, we went to the club together and after we danced for awhile another girl grabbed him to dance with him. I was upset about the situation and he told me that the girl wanted to learn how to dance so she could teach her boyfriend. I still was not okay with it and we ended up leaving. Then today while I am at work, he is with friends and tells me that they are going back to the club tonight and that he will be home fairly early (around 12:00). Every time he tells me he is going out for the night, whether it's dancing or just out drinking I feel a pit in my stomach. It's so hard for me to sit at home while he is out and I get really bad anxiety from it. He kissed another girl (over 5 months ago) and even though it was my decision to stay with him and he told me the truth immediately, I can't help but wonder what happens when I am not there.

He is very outgoing and a huge people please-er and I can't help but be insecure about it. I trust that he won't lie to me and I don't think anything bad will happen, but instead I stay at home pulling my hair out waiting up for him. He always likes to go out on Saturday night and I work early on Sunday so it's not really feasible for me to join, plus he says he enjoys going out with his guys without me sometimes. I guess I just need advice. Am I overreacting? Is it wrong for me to get upset that he dances with other girls? How can I control my anxiety while I am at home and he is out drinking with friends? And, what is the best way to approach talking with him about how I feel without sounding like a crazy girlfriend or overreacting?

He is very outgoing and a huge people please-er and I can't help but be insecure about it.

Did he kiss the girl while you were at a club with him?

I would ask why he didn't introduce you to the girl as his girlfriend when you were out.

Can't he go swing dancing on a Friday night when you can go and make it a date? To me there are people who do competitive ballroom or take lessons or swing dance to perfect their skills and its okay if they dance with whoever is there - everyone switches partners, but the fact that he kissed someone else and is going clubbing is a little shady. He has given you reason not to trust. My ex used to say "but i come home with you" == well does that mean anything if you have acted the way you did when you were out? He would flirt with women right in front of my face

I think you should break up with him now. You are trying to control and manipulate him. You're trying to destroy his fun-loving spirit, and your jealousy simply dooms the relationship. You want to isolate him from his friends and keep him all to yourself. This is not healthy. Maybe you need to find someone who is a homebody, who doesn't have any friends, and will dote on you to please you. But you simply can't cope with this friendly outgoing guy. The fact that you almost broke up with him because he kissed a girl, is just too much. And you pulling your hair out at night because he's out dancing, you just simply won't be able to deal with this relationship. It will only end in a big argument and a big break up. If you want to stay with him, you probably need to talk to a therapist or a counselor to get over your fears that he's going to cheat on you and leave you. I'm guessing it may have happened in your past and now you're positively panicked over the idea it may happen again. So either break up or see someone who can help you deal with the situation.

He kissed another girl (over 5 months ago) and even though it was my decision to stay with him and he told me the truth immediately, I can't help but wonder what happens when I am not there.

This is the core issue. It's not the dancing or that you are "restricting personal freedoms" - it's the flirting and not reinforcing relationship boundaries once they are crossed. I guarantee that if this didn't happen, you would be fine with him going out to clubs, especially alone or with friends.

I wouldn't have taken him back for kissing another person - especially not when he did that 5 months into the relationship.

Sounds like you're dating someone that things he can still act single.

In all actuality, he’s more jealous than I am. I have never been cheated on before except by him and was in a long-term relationship with someone who never wanted to go out (which was the reason I broke up with him). He has been cheated on multiple times and has issues from it. He won’t let me wear certain clothes in public and is always asking if I’m being hit on when I’m out without him. I agree that it’s like he wants to act single. We are great when we’re together but the moment one of his friends wants to hang out he leaves regardless if we were hanging out. It’s hard because I invite him to 95% or the things I do regardless if he wants to come or not. He invites me maybe half of the time and will specifically tell me he doesn’t want me to come because he needs space and time with his friends. Which I understand but that usually entails getting drunk and going out until odd ends of the morning. I don’t want to take away from his free spirit and have told him from the beginning that I was worried about our age gap and mentioned not being together so he could explore this time in his life and not get into something serious but he always has told me that he partied too hard in college and already experienced that time of his life and that this is what he wants. It’s such a hard balance..

He didn’t kiss the girl when we were out together, it was a different night. We usually do go dancing on Friday’s and on Saturday he goes out with his guys and goes clubbing and dances with other girls..

In all actuality, he’s more jealous than I am. I have never been cheated on before except by him and was in a long-term relationship with someone who never wanted to go out (which was the reason I broke up with him). He has been cheated on multiple times and has issues from it. He won’t let me wear certain clothes in public and is always asking if I’m being hit on when I’m out without him. I agree that it’s like he wants to act single. We are great when we’re together but the moment one of his friends wants to hang out he leaves regardless if we were hanging out. It’s hard because I invite him to 95% or the things I do regardless if he wants to come or not. He invites me maybe half of the time and will specifically tell me he doesn’t want me to come because he needs space and time with his friends. Which I understand but that usually entails getting drunk and going out until odd ends of the morning. I don’t want to take away from his free spirit and have told him from the beginning that I was worried about our age gap and mentioned not being together so he could explore this time in his life and not get into something serious but he always has told me that he partied too hard in college and already experienced that time of his life and that this is what he wants. It’s such a hard balance..

. He has been cheated on multiple times and has issues from it. He won’t let me wear certain clothes in public and is always asking if I’m being hit on when I’m out without him." This is really unhealthy! Plus the fact that he has already cheated on you. You have all the info on the this guy, but are choosing to stick around. I would have been done with him, long ago.

Do you actually allow him to dictate what you wear? You do realize that this is controlling and abusive.

Your relationship has bigger problems than his dancing.

He is attempting to control you by dictating the clothes you wear and hounds you about whether you're being hitting on. You don't trust him, and rightly so. He kissed someone else, which is indeed a betrayal of trust. No wonder you feel anxious when you know he's in the environment.

I would let him go. He is not ready for a commitment, and you would be better off with someone who doesn't try to tell you what do either.

I agree that it’s like he wants to act single. We are great when we’re together but the moment one of his friends wants to hang out he leaves regardless if we were hanging out. It’s hard because I invite him to 95% or the things I do regardless if he wants to come or not. He invites me maybe half of the time and will specifically tell me he doesn’t want me to come because he needs space and time with his friends. Which I understand but that usually entails getting drunk and going out until odd ends of the morning.

All right. So now we get to the crux of the matter. It's not his dancing that you're fighting about, or telling you how to dress, but the fact that you're low on his list of priorities. So despite what he told you about settling down, he is still acting like a 23-year old, going out and partying, hanging out with girls, and so on. My advice is still the same: Dump the guy. He's not going to change. He's young. You need an older, more mature guy that shares the lifestyle you want. Arguing with him won't solve anything. You're basically angry at yourself because you think you can change him into the guy you want, but you won't be able to. Dump him now so you can get over him and find another guy who is more like what you want.

Your relationship has bigger problems than his dancing.

 

He is attempting to control you by dictating the clothes you wear and hounds you about whether you're being hitting on. You don't trust him, and rightly so. He kissed someone else, which is indeed a betrayal of trust. No wonder you feel anxious when you know he's in the environment.

 

I would let him go. He is not ready for a commitment, and you would be better off with someone who doesn't try to tell you what do either.

You are def asking for trouble w/this guy. He can dance/flirt/cheat w/someone while he tells you what you can and cannot do. I would leave and find a man who doesn't cheat, doesn't dance w/other women in a club and someone who doesnt control what you wear.

Hey Barta,

I felt the exact same way you do when I first started dating my husband. I believe I even have a thread asking the same advice! I was 24 with a 1 year old, living on my own and ready for more kids. He was 21, living with mom and dad, and had a circle of 20+ friends who were ready to get drunk every weekend. Our relationship was difficult for the first 2 years. After about 6 months, I had the "I'm in a different stage than you are" conversation with him. We ultimately decided we wanted to continue, he said he'd rather grow up quickly than break up. It took him almost the full two years, and one break up initiated by me, before I felt like we were at the same stage together.

Now, we've been married for almost two years, together for four, and I can honestly say we are very happy. He now looks at his friends, who are still in that party stage, and understands how I felt for the first two years of our relationship. I have no idea what happened while we were broken up, but when we got back together, he had clearly figured out exactly what changes he needes to make, and those changes have stuck ever since.

The best advice I can give you is to tell you that for your relationship to be successful, know that HE has to choose to grow up. There is nothing you can say to make him change, he'll just resent you. I happened to get lucky that my husband wanted to grow up and be a man/husband/father. You can definitely have the talk with him and try to wait it out, like I did. Or, you can walk away with a better idea of what you're looking for in your next relationship. Either choice would be understandable, but if you choose to wait, just don't wait too long.

Best of luck to you.

Wish things could be different and we could work it out. I’ve never felt this way about another person and we have so much passion. He went out last night to the club and came back to my house at 2:00 in the morning and slept on my couch. I haven’t spoken with him but know he has plans to go see his mom and stay with her for the evening. She couldn’t get a hold of him all morning (my guess is he was hungover) and was reaching out to me. She finally did get a hold of him and I know he won’t be coming home tonight regardless of him not speaking with me. This non-speaking game isn’t healthy but we need our space right now and will need to have a serious sit down talk when he is ready.

Any advice on how to deal with the anxiety through all of this?

Know that you are not wrong to have the feeling you've been having. Know that you might have to let him go, too.

He is only a few years younger, yes, but he's in a different frame of mind than you are. He still wants to be carefree, young and fly by the seat of his pants. That makes perfect sense at his age, but it isn't very conducive to a serious and committed relationship.

He also has a significant double standard and controlling tendencies, which isn't okay, at any age. It appears he's hyper-sensitive to men approaching you because, well, he knows what he is like and what he is capable of. You already know he's crossed a boundary and kissed someone else. He likely subconsciously projects his jealousy onto you because he is guilty of that very behaviour. Trying to dictate what you wear is also just plain wrong. I hope that you don't concede to that!

All in all, this doesn't sound like a relationship that makes you feel happy, loved and secure. And it's not really his desire to dance that's the biggest issue.

He didn’t kiss the girl when we were out together, it was a different night. We usually do go dancing on Friday’s and on Saturday he goes out with his guys and goes clubbing and dances with other girls..

Why are you with this man. Its no wonder he's not been able to keep a relationship together... He doesn't make his so called Significant other his priority and these women that cheated on him were just too dumb to break up with him before stepping out with another man.

Find a boyfriend that's not so controlling while he leaves you at home to dance with other women. pfffft. I have to ask what's missing in you that you'd put up with that tremendous show of not valuing you.

Any advice on how to deal with the anxiety through all of this?

 

DanZee, what a load of bs (well, only part of your post..the other part is spot on) Shes not trying to kill his vibe, she's concerned about her man being unfaithful and dacing with other girls when he shouldn't be! unless he's a dance instructor. It has nothing to do with isolating him from his friends. lmao

OP, The latter part of DanZee's post is spot on though. You guys have incompatible lifestyles. He wants to party and you don't. You guys need to have a sit down chit chat and talk about things. He doesn't need to dance with other girls in order to have fun, and if he does, well, I'd say that its a clear indication of what he wants.

Well, I did it. Pulled the trigger. We’ve gotten into two serious fights over the past week and I’m exhausted. I wish things could be different but we got into another fight about him going out with friends and dancing. It’s something that will obviously keep coming up and he enjoys and I can’t be the person who takes that away from him anymore and I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with it. His reasoning is he grew up in a small town and it’s a hobby to him (I understand) but going out and dancing with other girls once or twice a month is just not something I think I can condone. The worst part is he lost his job and has been living with me and has no where to go and I kicked him out last night and he slept in his car. I packed up most of his stuff and gave it to a friend to give to him. I am so hurt and upset and there’s still part of me that wants to be with him. I’m afraid he will try to come over tonight and I will give in but it’s so unhealthy and toxic and I can’t keep going back into this. How do I cope? How do I say no to someone who knows so well how to win me over?

You can go ahead and take him back if you want. Then you can sit home alone while he leaves YOUR home to go out clubbing and dancing. Then you can get upset about it...except, you can't because you took him back and in doing so, you tacitly communicated to him that you accept and approve of his behavior.

Or...you can stick to your guns.

Just curious...who is giving him the money to go clubbing? You?

Well, I did it. Pulled the trigger. We’ve gotten into two serious fights over the past week and I’m exhausted. I wish things could be different but we got into another fight about him going out with friends and dancing. It’s something that will obviously keep coming up and he enjoys and I can’t be the person who takes that away from him anymore and I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with it. His reasoning is he grew up in a small town and it’s a hobby to him (I understand) but going out and dancing with other girls once or twice a month is just not something I think I can condone. The worst part is he lost his job and has been living with me and has no where to go and I kicked him out last night and he slept in his car. I packed up most of his stuff and gave it to a friend to give to him. I am so hurt and upset and there’s still part of me that wants to be with him. I’m afraid he will try to come over tonight and I will give in but it’s so unhealthy and toxic and I can’t keep going back into this. How do I cope? How do I say no to someone who knows so well how to win me over?

If he contacts you, (I know you won't block and delete him this early in your breakup) then kindly tell him to contact you about a reconciliation when he has found another job and has outgrown his need to be wrapped up in other women to the tune of music. Then don't answer him unless he agrees.

You two need to sit down and talk and get all your cards on the table and talk out your values and relationship boundaries and what you can each live with for the other. Usually going out to clubs is a single activity fixated on drinking and meeting the other sex. Some people are ok with their mate dancing with other strangers and some aren't. It sounds like you two are having a clash in this area. You've got to tell him this crosses your relationship intimacy boundaries if they do and see if he will be willing to respect your boundaries. If not, if he intends to keep going out and drinking and meeting and dancing with women than you've got to decide if you can live like that or if a split is necessary due to incompatibility. Talk this out, be open honest and respectful.

He's a B**** and a control freak. He's mentally ill. Just leave him immediately!

Go get you a dog. He'll be your best bf.