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Thread: always telling me im being mean. Gas lighting?

  1. #1
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    always telling me im being mean. Gas lighting?

    Ever since the beginning my boyfriend has been telling me that I am being mean. He uses phrases like "taking a jab" at him, "Yelling", "twisting the knife", things like that when I have no amount of anger in me. Ill be totally happy and content. When he does this it really hurts my feelings, like breaks my heart. He acts like such a victim and when I try to stick up for myself or explain to him that I wasn't being mean it turns into a fight. I noticed a pattern of when this happens he 1st gets really defensive then i'll get the "your tongue is like a knife". He also tells me sometimes that I am yelling at him, and my voice and tone will be exactly the same as always. This will confuse me to the point where it stresses me out and I feel like I am going crazy. When he does this I am just blown away, like loss for words. I just cant believe it! I will literally be speechless and confused. Then he'll come back at me with "see?, you have nothing to say. Can't even defend yourself" like he's right. I think about this all day, questioning myself about it, confused and upset on why this is happening. He'll tell me I am being "passive aggressive", i'll say I am not being passive aggressive and ill get the whole "you're full of how is what you said NOT passive aggressive?" then we get into another argument. This happens in just normal every day conversations. Example, he is buying a car or truck soon ( he currently only has a motorcycle) and he asked me what kind he should get. I said "get whatever you want because I have my car and a truck" he'll keep asking me and i'll say "its your car, I wont be driving it so get what you want" and that will turn into him getting defensive and saying "JESUS CHRIST" and I get accused of being mean. I started googling "why does my BF always think im mean" and I came across the term gaslighting. I read the "7 stages of gaslighting" and almost every single thing was on the nose. I have been feeling for a while like him doing this is almost abusive. step 1 is "lie and exaggerate". He does exaggerate when he's telling me these things and he'll make up stuff that I said that was "mean". At one point during an argument about this I said "give me ONE, just one example of me being mean, any". He lied and made something up! It was so ridiculous what he said, something about me constantly talking about penises. I have tried having a calm conversation with him about this and explain how he does not understand how much this hurts me, makes me cry, he'll get defensive again and it turns into a fight. I told him last night "I am just not going to speak anymore", it's gotten that bad. I told him once that I wish he saw me for the good person I am instead of this like he makes me out to be, I said "i can be a sometimes" as a joke because everyone can, it's human nature. He responds with "well, which is it? you're a or a good person? you can't be both". I had to hang up on him.

    HELP! Has anyone experienced this before? I swear I am not being mean! I love him, I would never want to be mean.

  2. #2
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    You need to Google emotional abuse, because your boyfriend is using his created fights to control and manipulate you. It's more than just gaslighting, it's pure abuse. It causes you to lose your confidence and your self-esteem. It keeps you defensive. A lot of people say they feel like they're walking on eggshells around their Significant Others. When you look up emotional abuse, you may see other things he may be doing. Is he isolating you from your friends and family? Does he say he's sorry and apologize before launching into another argument?

    Arguments are always about power and control. And even if he wasn't abusive, the fact that you're always fighting shows your relationship has huge problems. For your own piece of mind you should leave this guy. Being alone is better than being with this jerk. You should move on and don't look back. This guy doesn't love you and there's nothing for you with him.

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    I actually broke up with him tonight, I couldn't take it anymore... I was telling him I was upset that he didn't talk to me all day but had time to post music videos on facebook. He said "you'll use any excuse to lash out at me". It blew up from there.

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    Don't look back. You don't need to be treated this way.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like he's picking fight to get out of the relationship and get out of your demands for an engagement ring. All this and an extreme LDR fraught with issues and problems all along. You dodged a bullet. Date locally next time..
    Originally Posted by Mfawn
    I actually broke up with him tonight, I couldn't take it anymore... I was telling him I was upset that he didn't talk to me all day but had time to post music videos on facebook. He said "you'll use any excuse to lash out at me". It blew up from there.

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Mfawn
    I actually broke up with him tonight, I couldn't take it anymore... I was telling him I was upset that he didn't talk to me all day but had time to post music videos on facebook. He said "you'll use any excuse to lash out at me". It blew up from there.
    You both can do better then who you are with. He may be overly sensitive but you need to stop making light of what he is saying to you because by doing so, you are negating his feelings. He's trying to tell you something and you're not listening and you dismiss the way he is feeling without even considering that what you say to him may be self-esteem reducing. e.g.: To emotionally manipulate him with your words when he didn't contact you because he was busy doing something else caused him to go on the defensive and so he lashed back out at you with the way those words made him feel.

    I don't think anything that you've explained gives indication of him gaslighting you but rather just him telling you how your chastising or complaining about him makes him feel.

    Yes, good thing you broke up, now you can find someone that doesn't feel like you're verbally or emotionally abusing them and he can find someone that doesn't feel like your way of communication is abusive. But to dismiss his feelings because you don't think you're yelling or any other kind of negative IMO isn't kosher.
    Last edited by ThatwasThen; 06-02-2018 at 04:26 PM.

  8. #7
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    Mfawn it sounds like he was going through his own issues with always feeling attacked and maybe feeling like he wasn't good enough. Those were his issues, not yours. He will need to overcome those on his own in order to be happy. Of course you are not perfect, but it sounds like, in response to his actions, you were starting to question everything you did and said, and take on way too much blame. I hope you can find happiness now. Please do not go back to these behaviors. You have gone through this and it was a good experience for you to understand how some people are. I wish you the best.


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