Rejection blues

I’ve conceded my latest crush doesn’t want to or can’t engage with me and far out I feel glum. I dont even know this guy really. Rejection, although disappointing, isn’t even the worst outcome, limbo is.

Friend faces have readily leant me emotional labour, I’m making my own list of things to do instead of waiting for that text, it’s got over 30 things on it now (just need to not be working so I can doooo them), this weekend is shaping up great for work, the last few weeks of tentative exercise have paid off, I can feel myself getting fitter. But I still find myself swallowing the lump in my throat and longing for long term love, something that feels absolutely impossible these days (can’t even get short term love, not of the kind where they reciprocate).

Why is it someone I’ve known for all of two weeks can engage and then bail and rip the scab clear off?

Turn all thoughts inside out and you will find your answers.

For example, why would you give so much trust/power/hope/faith to someone you've known only for two weeks?

Invest yourself wisely. I don't mean that you ought to withdraw. Rather, be your own source of affirmation and security as much as you can. In truth, nobody else can do that for you, not in a sustainable manner. Our greatest source of security comes from knowing that we can survive on our own

It may not be the smoothest process but it still results in us being OK and even thriving.Rely on that.

Meet new people for research, practice, and social & intellectual stimulation. Let people marinate in your company for awhile before building up expectations (and maybe not even then.)

Just a thought or two. I know it is hard to want something and not be in control of whether you get it. Believe me I do! If someone doesn't know you, they can't reject YOU can they? More, a rejection of the idea of being in a relationship with you, or being in a relationship at all. It's best to remember you want to choose, too, and be grateful for the chance to choose NEXT before getting more invested.

It’s vwry very frustrating that I want physical intimacy, of course, as part of emotional closeness, but I do crave touch etc. so it’s extra ducking hard to turn that down when it’s been a long time. But it always turns out to be guys who hit and quit it (was he not intending to hit it and quit it? Getting laid and then not talking to me for 5 days definitely feels like hit and quit it though. And 5 days in, when I get in touch he does the courtesy of letting me know he’s going through some things. He doesn’t tell me what but our mutual friend already has that conversation and learnt way more than me and passed it on and told me to chill, dating will be the literal last thing on his mind right now. So let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and say he does indeed have some bad stuff going on, I shouldn’t feel compassionate. But the impact was still that of being ed and ditched. And they compound upon one another, until it feels like that’s all the experiences I have or get or will ever get to have.

So yeah, I need to wait longer for sex. But it’s like being hungry, and being allergic to food, all of it).

How soon are you sleeping with these guys?

Didn’t see your post before iamfca

Ahhhhh, I know, I thought I was getting there, it took me longer to crash this time, I do have my own things going on. But the longing is obviously still there, squashed down but not gone (how in the ever living hell do you totally free yourself of the longing for a long term partner and all that entails. There’s things that come from that I can’t get from friends or purpose, affection, sex, that feeling that someone is in your corner, that you are important to someone)

I know enough to know it’s an idea I’m grievinf now and not the loss of a person I don’t know. I know it’s triggering dads from the last few times, all the way back to the ex who left me. i can know these things intellectually but being bailed on, even when I could see there was a chance of happening, even when I’d factored it in even as I was walking through his door, hit so hard. I’m still dating, I’m still opening new people although the prospect feels very unappealing right now.

Holly J, I used to shag on the first date, when I was younger, and guys were less ed. All my long term loving relationships started out like that. It never used to be a problem. These days it’s obvious to me I cannot handle the emotional cost of sex without interest, consistent interest dare I even say (does that even exist). But see above about also human who craves al the things we’ve evolved to crave. Ask not just how many dates but also how long have I gone without touch?!! This guy I had seen three times with regular contact in between, supposed to be ok to get physical on the third date. Nope. Obviously, trust a bit more broken, next person will get vetted for longer. It sucks. The whole thing ducking sucks.

(Also running on 4 hours sleep and been up for 20, I’m sure that’s having an extremely deleterious effect on my ability to cope and be rational. And go to sleep till I knock out the last bit of my pack up and go home)

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Do yourself a huge favor and don't let yourself go there with "we're all human/we need touch" excuses for treating yourself dishonestly and like crap. So you used to be able to have casual sex. Now you can't. That's the beginning and end of the analysis and I wouldn't indulge in further analysis because you may be tempted to make those cliche excuses. I craved lots of sweets this week because work was really stressful and I was sleep deprived. I'm only human, too. So I let myself have one extra hershey's kiss twice and just tamped down the human desires I had. And yes I think it's a good analogy and yes it's really hard and yes it's totally worth it to challenge yourself in that way especially if it has to do with a pattern or creating a potentially bad pattern.

Again I'm sorry he hasn't been in touch. And I'd ignore the "sex on the third date is ok" - that's one of those myths again. It is for some people and it is used often by people who have expectations and ignore that people are individual (or maybe don't care because the focus is inward and on so-called "needs") - do the hard work of figuring out what's ok and healthy for you.

Hon, I think that you should wait several months before sleeping with someone. I don't think that you are choosing the right people, and are getting into these situations for the wrong reason (needing someone to fill you up).

You are the common denominator here. I strongly suggest that you stop dating and seek some counseling to understand your choices and needs. You will continue to repeat this pattern, without getting to the bottom of the problem.

You are getting too attached, way too quickly.

Batya, I don’t know if I was ever ok with casual sex. The guys I encountered in my early 20s stuck around.

HollyJ, you aren’t wrong. I do need to book more apts in with the psychologist. The whole prospect makes feel abjectly defeated. I had 6 sessions back when I was trying to reconcile with the ex. She tried to help but all she gave me was exercises for getting unstuck, they only work if you actually do them in the moment. She didn’t even attempt to help me fix the underlying problem. What if it can’t be fixed, what if all there is is mindfulness exercises and need I can’t ever tamp down and a cycle I can’t get out of. I know I’m broken

Anyone seen izombie? The main character takes on attributes of peoples personalities when she eats their brains. There’s an ep where she eats the. Rain of someone with an anxious attachment style and it makes her crazy insecure, checking her boyfriends phone, trying to break into his safe. They argue and she blames the brain and he asks her to fight it. Which is what I have to do but it’s my brain and I’m stuck with it

Sorry for being wrecked mess, thank you for always replying even though I post the same thing every time

Additional thought, the reason I started actively trying to date again is because I got a mad crush on a co worker (which could not and did not go anywhere but made me think that need to be partnered is there still, that's still something I want.) I can stop dating but how do I stop the ing crushes?

1a, you sound like me. After you sleep, travel, walkabout, you will feel much more resilient.

In the meantime, your diction offers a clue to your solution. Stop seeing yourself in the victim role, as reflected in the phrase "being bailed on". Start seeing someone's clarity as a gift: "Thank you for letting me know early. I appreciate your forthrightness." Okay, pick a better word. :)

Being bailed on is a gift that releases you.

Most races are lost in the last 5 yards, when we tore of the effort and lose our focus. Stay true to yourself. Remember, you attract the same as the vibe you give off. What is within shows itself without, despite our best efforts to clean that s up (lol). So, be positive, be a winner from the inside out and you will attract a winner to you.

Oh, dear 1a1a, thank you for sharing your struggle.

I can very much relate to the limbo blues this whole week, sigh. It's not that bad so you could cry it out but it does suck and the stream of unpleasant thoughts surrounding it comes back rushing every spare moment, when monkey brain is unoccupied with something more engaging. "What went wrong?", "Did I do something repulsive?", "Maybe there's someone else more interesting.", "I guess the guy is having the time of his life with whomever he pleases, while I sit and wait for his stupid text..." and so on, and so on. But, most of all - "There must be something really wrong with me, so that I'm unable to even, as you put it, have a short term thing.". Some kind of internal inadequacy that I've always felt, now not only bothers my mind but also manifests itself in my every attempt. Shut up you bit**y brain, will you!

I also crave physical intimacy (I think I like to express my joy in a very touchy-touchy manner, when it's appropriate, of course) and recently I found out I don't even want to be in a relationship as much as I would just like to have some kissing/cuddling and most of all - sex. I stopped and questioned it for a moment - like, I've had longer periods without having it and it didn't use to be an issue, but suddenly it feels like a very real need. As you said - like being hungry. I find it kinda cute, though, you rarely think you can surprise yourself but with time and age interesting threads erupt from within your being.

I can also relate to the active dating situation. I think I can still laugh at the failure rate more than actually feel too bad about it. I questioned myself wether I should just give up and quit, because it seems that's not going to lead to anything except emotional exhaustion. But then I thought of two things. First of all, when you change the approach, results may not come right away. Even for the best ideas, sometimes you must wait, before being able to determine if it works or not. So - a bit more patience. Second, I should definitely tone done the emotional intensity, amount of expectations and the fatality atmosphere (like - oh, it didn't work out on 2-3-4 occasions, I'll never date again, the end, bye-bye, eternal ban on romance).

So, I know it looks like I just talked about myself but I hope you won't see it as а complaint but as an attempt at discussing the very same issue through my experience.

You have my whole empathy. Please vent. You'll get through it soon. And, don't give up.

Batya, I don’t know if I was ever ok with casual sex. The guys I encountered in my early 20s stuck around.

 

HollyJ, you aren’t wrong. I do need to book more apts in with the psychologist. The whole prospect makes feel abjectly defeated. I had 6 sessions back when I was trying to reconcile with the ex. She tried to help but all she gave me was exercises for getting unstuck, they only work if you actually do them in the moment. She didn’t even attempt to help me fix the underlying problem. What if it can’t be fixed, what if all there is is mindfulness exercises and need I can’t ever tamp down and a cycle I can’t get out of. I know I’m broken

 

Anyone seen izombie? The main character takes on attributes of peoples personalities when she eats their brains. There’s an ep where she eats the. Rain of someone with an anxious attachment style and it makes her crazy insecure, checking her boyfriends phone, trying to break into his safe. They argue and she blames the brain and he asks her to fight it. Which is what I have to do but it’s my brain and I’m stuck with it

 

Sorry for being wrecked mess, thank you for always replying even though I post the same thing every time

It can be fixed, but I think you need to find a new doctor.

I know enough to know it’s an idea I’m grievinf now and not the loss of a person I don’t know.

I know it makes no sense, but it happens. Rest assured that you are not the only one to feel a disproportionate amount of emotion over a near-stranger. This awful feeling you feel will go away. It's intoxicating to fall head-over-heels, which I think is why you allow yourself to dive in the way that you do. And you may do it again and again until you finally reach a point where the cost outweighs the benefit. It may be the School of Hard Knocks for you, my dear.

This sentence made me giggle:

I know it’s triggering dads from the last few times

Additional thought, the reason I started actively trying to date again is because I got a mad crush on a co worker (which could not and did not go anywhere but made me think that need to be partnered is there still, that's still something I want.) I can stop dating but how do I stop the ing crushes?

You don't stop the feelings of crushing you just have to make different choices in reaction to the crushes.

I get it, re touch etc. Its okay to follow your instincts, especially if you are clear about your motivation. So, if it's been awhile, recognize your motivations for finding an LTR partner may be subordinated to shorter term goals. Be kind, appreciative, discerning. Maybe one of those STRs will be discovered along the way as a candidate for a LTR. Or not. If you identify your purpose, you will be more satisfied with the results.

(ETA: Am agnostic on the whole argument about STR sex and waiting. I do believe in making room in your life and getting comfortable with the presence of room in your life for someone to participate. But sometimes, we fill that void with an almost-right man, and that's okay too.)

In the OP's case, since now she knows how attached she gets through sex, I would wait until exclusivity, commitment (not just monogamy) and at least a few months of regular dating (not the "talking" time).

Sleep did help with objectivity. Now less specified preoccupation (I still feel like something is missing but I’m not imagining him wanting to engage with me), the idea of this guy is fading (still have to retrieve my watch and drifting to imagining that encounter where id really prefer to not be).

It was really nice to wake up to everyone’s thoughts and advice, very very appreciate. I’ll put the wheels in motion for psych round two on Monday, a different one, even if the one I had was a nice person and seemed to like me, the fact that I haven’t bothered going back through a sense of futility should suggest to me she isn’t the right fit for this problem.

Edit to add: sads, it should of said sads haha

Internal dilemma between trying to bribe myself to not ask him what the go is when I see him (what good would that do? It’s painfully obvious what the go is. No go) and the thought that no carrot is juicy enough to stop me, that that answer is something I want more than anything

Well, whatever you choose, at least you are aware of which of those alternatives makes sense, and which does not.

Internal dilemma between trying to bribe myself to not ask him what the go is when I see him (what good would that do? It’s painfully obvious what the go is. No go) and the thought that no carrot is juicy enough to stop me, that that answer is something I want more than anything

Sometimes, I asked for clarity when the answer was clear. Subconsciously, I asked because the anxiety of wondering whether a 5% chance remained was worse than leaving the door open.

Once I figured out that anxiety was my issue, I practiced leaving the door open, or rather, moving on without requiring the big talk. I liked it better.

And it concluded thusly, Sunday between work and friend catch up I sent a message asking if it would be alright to swing by and pick up my watch. Got back a "sure thing" and a "how are you?" (Now? He asks this Now?!!!)

Face to face, he had a friend over, we made small talk, he mentioned going to a mates house party last night. He closed with "I won't keep you" and saw me out the door. I must have given him a look which said the words I was thinking because he adds "I'll be in touch" to which he gets from me a knee jerk reaction of "will you?" And that This point he fills me in on his dad being diagnosed with cancer and him being withdrawn at the moment. (In the company of your friend, and going out to house parties still, but I guess both of those contexts require different/less energy than getting to know someone new).

So, I didn't get stooged but he is for all intents unavailable.

Now it's Tuesday and I think I've shaken the crush (transferred to someone else, argh). I can seeeee that he is online, and I want to send him a "how are you" so badly. But I've been telling myself this is practice, practice at leaving things alone. And IAmFCA, you are definitely selling the not asking thing. Maybe not prodding him for interaction tonight can be an extension of that. So, if we hadn't gone down the path of intimacy could I still be freely messaging him now? Is "I'll be in touch" code for "leave me alone"? Can I have a some psychological validation for doing so? Will there be a time when enough time has elapsed that I can get in touch again without it feeling like me chasing?

Apt with the dr to get a referral to a psych is tomorrow morning. Wheels in motion.

Edit to add: It is a very depressing thought that, by getting intimate with him, I effectively got myself completely excluded from his life.

Don't feel this way. It's just him. Whether people have sex on a first date or three months in doesn't determine the outcome . If the person is in, they are in, and don't use when the intimacy occurred as a determining factor. Just learn to be more choosy of whom you share yourself with. He said he will be in touch, so try hard to resist contacting him. He may or may not do so. I hope the therapy helps you. There are better guys out there.

I think in general -for many reasons -there's a much higher risk of things not working out long term if two people have sex right away. I do know of happy relationships and marriages that started out that way. I think if a woman is looking for long term, all else equal it's better to wait even if she has the desire to have sex or is sure that she won't get emotionally attached. It's all a matter of risk and benefit and goal. Certainly if someone is looking for a fun fling or to date casually it wouldn't be a risk.

So, if we hadn't gone down the path of intimacy could I still be freely messaging him now?

Do you really think that intimacy changed him from a considerate gentleman into an evasive hit-it-and-quit-it jerkoff?

It didn't. He was like that before he met you, and before he slept with you.

Yeah, if you hadn't already slept with him, you could probably still be messaging him right now. But you don't want a texting buddy, do you? You want a relationship. He's only offering penis.

Edit to add: It is a very depressing thought that, by getting intimate with him, I effectively got myself completely excluded from his life.

You were excluded from his life before you ever slept with him. He had no intention of making you his girlfriend.

Is "I'll be in touch" code for "leave me alone"?

No, he just needs people to think that he's a nice guy so that he can believe it himself. Jerks are funny like that. Most of them like to think they're nice people even though they do not nice things.

Will there be a time when enough time has elapsed that I can get in touch again without it feeling like me chasing?

No.

No, I guess not, it's the jarring cognitive dissonance between inviting someone to get as physically close as two people can be and mentally still holding them further apart from you than even a friend would be.

I guess I get burnt by this enough the pain will be etched into me enough that I don't forget and take the chance for fleeting physical contact.

or is sure that she won't get emotionally attached.

hahahahahaha *cries* impossibleeeeee

My mum says "ÿou need to be complete in yourself, you need to meet your own needs". To which I said I thought I had gotten there, although how I am suppose to meet the need for touch etc is beyond me. She asked "do your friends not hug?"(Not really, and a hug is not the same as being held) and replied that your sense of being complete needs to be stronger than the pull of outside validation. So, I suppose it is but a seedling. There's also a hint of "what about all these other people who get to be in relationships without ever needing to do this work on themselves?" And I suppose there must also be people who don't need to do the work because they already validate themselves....lucky bastards

The boy popped up in my newsfeed sharing a music video clip, I left a comment. If he Wants to engage with me, he will, if he doesn't, he won't (he's hidden now). Feeling like I can't initiate conversations with him sucks, But then, in that space where i'm not, he isn't either, so if I was, it would just be masking a lack of action on his part. I could make a solid list of reasons why he wouldn't be a good partner for me, so why does this make me sad? Triggered?

Posting here instead of messaging him.

Got my referral for the psych, apt booked in

Need for touch doesn't need to be satisfied with sexual contact, especially not with a stranger. For certain people there is no dissonance -physical or sexual contact is compartmentalized and separate from emotional contact. Do you think massage therapists get emotionally attached to their clients for example, or prostitutes to their partners? Maybe some but for most there would be no dissonance. And, as a separate comment, certain people who enjoy casual sex enjoy it because it's separate to them and no dissonance in the least. But, for you it is so you know yourself and your boundaries.