(M, 30) emotionally abusive. How do I (F, 25) heal? (Narcisstic)

How do you heal from a narcisstic abusive relationship?

I met a guy while on vacation, he instantly swept me off my feet by being extremely charming. Basically mimicking my dream guy. I had recently left another emotional abusive relationship (4+ years) 6 months prior meeting this new guy. I was hesitant letting him in because I was enjoying being single, and just going through life with a new head on my shoulders. He convinced me that he was the one for me, totally ignoring my concerns, and so I let him in. The relationship progressed at the speed of lighting, not enough time to even process everything fully. Now that I think about it he never even took the time to truly know me for me.

Fast forward to now, we spent 6-7 months together in a relationship. It started off long distance as we met while on a trip of mine. He was instantly hooked to me and actually booked a flight to my home city within less of month of us talking. I noticed red flags as he would always talk about previous accomplishments, send me pictures of when he body used to be well built (MULTIPLE at a time), professing his love for me so quickly and always asking if I'm falling in love with him or do I miss him yet? Actually he wouldn't even ask... he would say "Tell me..." I ignored it all.

The city he lived in actually happened to be the very city I wished to move in for better quality of life, and also dream and aspiration purposes. So I'm thinking in my head, I found my dream guy in my dream city, it's perfect. He wanted me to move in with him right away, I rejected the offer seeing we don't know each other well. He actually had got very upset about it. But for obvious reasons, I thought it was weird. Well, later on I caved in and biggest mistake ever made...

He completely lied about his personality and embellished his life. There were red flags in the beginning (actually HUGE) within just 2 months of us speaking but I obviously ignored them. He is a 30 year old man newly emigrant to the country who lives with his pregnant 23 year old sister (8 months) who aids him in EVERYTHING. He doesn't have a room so he has a mattress on the floor and keeps his belongings in the linen closet. His name is not on the lease, nor the utility bills and he has never lived alone in this country. He works 7 days a week, has no social life, wakes up, works, goes to sleep and does it all over again. He made no time for me while we lived together and living with his sister changed the dynmanic of our relationship. I stupidly paid for the month I was staying there with the two.

He would takes jabs at my personality and also he seemed as though he was watching me carefully and putting me to the test to see if I am a good fit for him. IE, watching carefully how I wash dishes, sweep the floor, cook, clean the bathroom, pay bills, etc. Meanwhile he doesn't do any of this himself. I have experience of living alone so I know ALL of this. He has his sister take care of him and show him the way.

I became aware that he is just looking for any woman to live with him because he's been alone forever and so he conned me from the beginning with his sweet charm. He tried to make me seem like I am irresponsible, weak, unknowledgeable, etc overtime. When in reality that's how he feels about himself. I never thought that about myself until he put it into my mind over time. When he saw that I am not going to be his servant that's when he discarded me and said I am no good. But what about you telling me you loved and cared for me, saw a future together, even showed me off to his family? My head was spinning with confusion. Then he dropped the bomb on me and revealed his secret motive. He sacrificed everything for his dear beloved cousin (seems like he's in love with him) and had a plan to take me to his homeland to marry his cousin so he can bring him back to the US so they can be happy together. Crazy, right?! He put me through so much emotional abuse, words can't eevn explain. He really only cared about himself from the beginning. I helped him with so much and gained nothing in return.

We are over and I flew back home to clear my mind. But I stilm have moments of anger and shame inside of me. How could a person be so evil? The latest news he has a new girl all of a sudden. We officially separated less than a week ago. He says she is prettier, more intelligent and responsible than me. That she is willing to take on the role of a wife and mother in the near future and that I meant nothing to him, I was just a step for him to get ahead but I wasn't fast enough for him. My guess is he is conning her like he did me because he realizes he's getting older and still has nothing to show much for it in life and also his baby sister is giving birth soon and she wants her space to herseld again. So he's quickly charming any woman he could find to use and abuse later, con her into living together since he can't live alone and theb reveal his true self sooner than later since he can't keep up the act for too long, if she doesn't comply with his game she's out the door like I was. True physco $h*t!

How do I get over this emotional abuse that I have endured for 7 months? My head is spinning. I just want to heal.

tl;dr: Met a man while vacationing, swept me off my feet and charmed me, extreme progression and pressure. Long distance relationship turned into a relationship together in the same city. Man conned me into being an aide for him since he lacks experience of handling things on his own, doesn't have anything to show for his age so he's insecure, tried to con me into marrying his cousin in his homeland, spinned it on me to make me seem selfish. Projected his own insecurities on me, I gave more in the relationship and all he did was take. Discardes me as if I meant nothing. Left with the damage. How do I heal?

Sorry this happened. Fortunately it was only a few months and you identified all the red flags to look for in the future. Sounds like a scammer or sociopath, read up on that.

If it seems to good to be true, it usually is.

In the future, if something feels off, act on it. There were many red flags, and yet you continued to move forward with this guy. Wanting you to move in, and being in love so early, is not normal.

Don't see yourself as being played, but being an active participant - I have also been in your shoes, and once I recognized my participation in this type of relationship, I learned. Be very wary of people that are overly charming and try to sweep you in too quickly. Healthy moves at a slow pace.

I know it hurts, but be thankful that you did not marry this loser. Time is a healer.

I didn't read the entire post. He actually believed you would marry his cousin? Does he have green card status? This guy sounds like a sociopath. Are you still communicating with this creep?

I am sorry for all of this. You are too young to have gone through so much drama. Don't let this POS scare you. he is so not worth it!

Well, you're lucky it only lasted 7 months. Women are nurturing and relationship driven, and they go out of the way to try to keep a relationship together. And guys like this instinctively take advantage of this. If he had been able to work on you for another year or two, he might have convinced you to marry his cousin, that's how much these guys can get into your head. But you're lucky that you now realize what you experienced. So many people don't recognize they've been abused and still pine for their abuser after they've been discarded! This will help you to heal faster and maybe laugh at the absurdity of it all. (Did you have to sleep on the floor too?)

You will heal. Go out and do stuff that makes you happy. Get out in the sun, exercise, hang out with your friends, build up your self-esteem again and forget this loser.

So what you're saying is this is your second abusive relationship in a years time.

Your focus seems to be on what they did to you and not the fact that you knowingly ignored multiple red flags.

In my personal opinion, I think you need to be single and seek counseling, if you can't afford it maybe read up on codependence.

Until you heal whatever is going on in your head you're going to keep getting into these types of relationships.

I wish you luck on your journey. One day at a time.

So what you're saying is this is your second abusive relationship in a years time.

 

Your focus seems to be on what they did to you and not the fact that you knowingly ignored multiple red flags.

 

In my personal opinion, I think you need to be single and seek counseling, if you can't afford it maybe read up on codependence.

 

Until you heal whatever is going on in your head you're going to keep getting into these types of relationships.

 

I wish you luck on your journey. One day at a time.

Spot on! Address through counseling what attracts you to these type of men.

I’m sorry for all the pains you are going through. I pray that you will be able to overcome that pain and be able to move forward.

I want to encourage you to grieve, it will help you to cope and heal. Cry when you need to, it will help you to feel better. When I broke up with my past boyfriend, it took me months to be completely healed. Take one day at a time and try to do things that you will enjoy.

Take care and please keep us posted.