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Thread: Dating a bicurious straight woman

  1. #1
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    Dating a bicurious straight woman

    Hi everyone. Iím struggling with something and I would appreciate your advice.

    Those of you who follow my threads may know that I am a nearly 30 y.o. lesbian woman whoís had plenty of bad dating experiences in the past few years. Ever since one girlfriend left me in 2013 I cannot seem to find happiness in love again. Now itís been about 8 months since I last dated, let alone talked to a woman who interests me.

    Right now I am talking to a woman I met through Tinder (awful medium btw), and I have this feeling we kind of connect which is a rare thing for me. Downside: this woman says she thinks to be straight but is somehow dissapointed in men and struggles to crush on guys again. She changed her tinder settings to men and women ďto see whatís out thereĒ and maybe explore if she is into women at all. She says she can find women attractive and sometimes wonder what sex with a woman would be like.

    So we are talking online and seem to have quite a lot in common. On top of that she is a cute woman, not a supermodel or anything but totally my type. We talked about types and she says she can find women very attractive, and that she thinks I am cute too. Donít really know how to interpret this, as coming from a possible straight woman.

    Anyway, she suggested to meet sometimes - this is where I struggle:
    do I take the chance to meet her and get to know her better but risk falling in love with a straight girl and another heartache, or do I let this one pass?
    Itís easy to say just meet her and donít fall in love but I know me and there is a fair chance I am going to be into this woman and that I wonít be able to stop myself from having feelings. (I donít develop feelings for someone easily but I recognize the types I tend to fall for and think she may be in that category).

    So what would you do? The statement goes ďwhat if i fall? But darling what if you flyĒ but I have had my fair share of serious heartbreak and I am desperately trying to avoid another one!

    Advice is needed..

  2. #2
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    If you are trying to avoid heartbreak, then I would pass on this one. She doesn't even know what she wants and is only curious. She wants to explore her sexuality and is forthcoming to you with this.

    I would take her honesty for what it is; she wants to casually date around. You are looking for more, so both of your goals are different and likely won't work out. There is a possibility this will soar, but let me be frank that those odds are against you.

    This would be different if she said she was bisexual and looking for a LTR, but she is neither. However, if you are up for something casual only, then go for it. You have to fully accept this, though, and this fact will not change.

  3. #3
    Gold Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Why would there be heartbreak? You haven't even met this woman yet. You meet, you get along, spend time together as "friends" first without expectations. Even if she backs out on dating, at least you made a nice friend. You just need to stop investing your feelings until you know things are going in the direction you want.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Why would there be heartbreak? You haven't even met this woman yet. You meet, you get along, spend time together as "friends" first without expectations. Even if she backs out on dating, at least you made a nice friend. You just need to stop investing your feelings until you know things are going in the direction you want.
    This Exactly but how do you stop yourself from overinvesting your feelings?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Lucha, why do you keep choosing women who you KNOW are going to lead to heartbreak and a dead end deal for you? You acknowledge that you have been having bad dating experiences, but you are deliberately choosing them. Why? I think you really need to explore that.

    There is nothing wrong with being a person who falls deeply and gets attached easily and wants a serious, long term relationship. However, that does mean that you have to be so much more ruthlessly selective about who you get involved with and avoid matches that are quite obviously a mess from the get go. When you attach easily, you need to screen more, not less, be more selective, not less, discriminate more about who you talk to or give the time of day to, not less, be more cautious in your approach and not so open to whatever and whoever.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    I think being someone's experiment would only lead to heartache.
    Originally Posted by Lucha
    She changed her tinder settings to men and women ďto see whatís out thereĒ and maybe explore if she is into women at all. She says she can find women attractive and sometimes wonder what sex with a woman would be like.

  8. #7
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    Tell her to get in touch when she is done with her experimental phase and has decided she wants to be involved with a woman.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lucha
    This Exactly but how do you stop yourself from overinvesting your feelings?
    Here's a perfect opportunity to learn how.
    How do you do it? With discipline and realistic expectations.
    Have you given any thought as to why you are so vulnerable to falling for people if you hardly know them?

    I get you haven't dated lately and have been disappointed in the past, but another person with the same experiences can have the opposite reaction and might find it hard to let their guard down.

    You experiences don't always have to overrule using good judgement, especially where your heart is concerned.

    How about you challenge yourself to do things differently this time?

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Here's a perfect opportunity to learn how.
    How do you do it? With discipline and realistic expectations.
    Have you given any thought as to why you are so vulnerable to falling for people if you hardly know them?
    ?
    Friends of mine have made the same remark. Really good question. I will discuss it with my own therapist.

    In fact I have my guards up really high nearly all the time but then when I do like someone I canít control my feelings.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lucha
    Friends of mine have made the same remark. Really good question. I will discuss it with my own therapist.

    In fact I have my guards up really high nearly all the time but then when I do like someone I canít control my feelings.
    So, just for the sake of argument, this isn't really about her. . although the risk may seem a little higher given the circumstances.
    It's something to think about and definitely worth working through.

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