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Thread: Dating a bicurious straight woman

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Lucha
    Thank you, Iím feeling a little better today. I try not to wallow in self- pity and brush it off as just another experience of bad luck in dating.
    What is confusing is she is still texting me throughout the day, as if I were a friend. I try to just accept things the way they are and not create drama out of it (would have always been my reaction in the past).

    It just seems sometimes I have no control over how I am feeling and all I can do is ride the waves that almost drown me. And the only area in life in which this is the case is in love! All other areas are fine..
    It might seem you have no control. You do and don't use "seem" as an excuse IMHO. Instead of choosing to "ride the waves that almost drown me" come up in advance with a list of things to do instead. My list has a wide range -sometimes I have to do 4-7-8 breathing, or angry clean, or do cardio, or call a friend but not talk about what's happening with me. If she wants to get to know you as a friend and you are ok hearing about her dating life then stay in touch. Otherwise I'd suggest not staying in touch.

  2. #22
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    One reason for the delay was I got in my own way by being too focused on unavailable men and staying in relationships too long even though it wasn't a good match for me.
    Amen. This should be set in stone.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by canterbury
    Amen. This should be set in stone.
    And it was for me. When I became the right person to find the right person I was able to fall in love and stay happy and committed to someone who was very much available. And itís still a work in progress some days but often a learning experience

  4. #24
    Originally Posted by Batya33
    right person to find the right person
    That is so true Batya. You have to be solid in yourself before you go and find somebody else, or all you get is equally unsure people as well. I say that because if i am unsure, why should i expect somebody else to be sure? It's a double standard that I don't like being on the other side of, so I won't put anybody else on it.

    My thoughts are that you have to go through the lonely periods and keep reminding yourself every day about who you are and what you expect; I feel like I've constantly got to review everything I do and keep myself on track.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by canterbury
    That is so true Batya. You have to be solid in yourself before you go and find somebody else, or all you get is equally unsure people as well. I say that because if i am unsure, why should i expect somebody else to be sure? It's a double standard that I don't like being on the other side of, so I won't put anybody else on it.

    My thoughts are that you have to go through the lonely periods and keep reminding yourself every day about who you are and what you expect; I feel like I've constantly got to review everything I do and keep myself on track.
    Yes, for me it worked that way and I almost never felt lonely when I was single and didn't feel like I had to feel lonely or be "single" or "work on myself" outside of a relationship. I learned a lot within relationships and dating, about myself. There also was a time element. I felt uncomfortable taking a break and wasting my fertile years and missing out on opportunities (right approach -who knows lol)

    I don't believe in self-focus if it's in a vacuum, at least not for too long a time. For me, I loved my alone time and my goal was marriage and family -and I knew I'd never be fully happy or content if I didn't reach the goal of marriage and have the opportunity to try for a family. I did have a few "a ha" moments and I also had years in my 20s of feeling desperate to find a husband and almost made a few big mistakes (meaning engagements or getting way too serious with someone I would have been settling for, or pursuing unavailable men).

    I had to become a person who would accept a person in my life who was available, loved me, and where I wasn't automatically turned off by those things. On the other hand I accepted fully that I didn't want a doormat or ultra people pleaser - I like to be on my toes in a good way - with someone with reasonable confidence and who is ok with speaking his mind appropriately. I am more into being direct/in your face than my husband is and I tell him when I think he is being dismissive or walking away instead of communicating but he is pretty darn good. And he is the same exact person who I was engaged to when we were in our early 30s and I knew at that time I'd be settling. He hadn't yet come into his own and was too much of a doormat for my taste (meaning other women might have been fine with it -he didn't have "issues" or anything just not right for me). 8 years later we both matured and grew, including in confidence (and me too -I had to be confident that I could make good choices in partners). So when we met up again sparks flew and the rest was history albeit not always smooth sailing.

    I do know that others can do very well working on themselves without dating, learning to be ok during lonely periods, etc- just not how it worked for me.

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