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Thread: Fiancé left after 5 plus years

  1. #1

    Fiancé left after 5 plus years

    Essentially got left by fiancé of five years together, with her quite quickly going into the next relationship. At this point in time, this relationship has gone pretty official, though I know they were hanging out pretty early into her bringing up issues with us (December-ish). I’ve wished my ex fiancé well, and have told her I forgive her for all of this, though it really doesn’t seem to matter at this point in time. From my understanding, we had a good relationship that wasn’t really bogged down with fights or any sort of big issues (cheating, verbal abuse, etc.), though I had been taking my stress home too often from work over the last year. I guess at this point, there doesn’t really seem to be any recourse I can take to fix things, though I’m plagued pretty often by regrets over things I didn’t do well enough in the relationship such as spending more time with her on a consistent basis. I asked several times if anything was wrong holding up our engagement but didn’t want it to feel pressured at all either with any deadline for a wedding (pretty chill with all that). From my end, how do I move past regrets of things I didn’t do well enough? I’m able to forgive her for everything and believe she is a good person, but continue to have so much self doubt in my own worth. I don’t mean to sound too depressed, I’ve gotten in the best shape of my life, am hanging out with friends, and am actively pursuing my Masters degree since all this. I just know there are some really good posts in previous forum topics I’ve read over the past several months and am open to suggestions:)

  2. #2
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    hi Wolvesguy, not here to offer advice, just to say Im in a similar boat as well.

    the worst part for me post breakup of a 3.5 year relationship is as you, plagued by regrets of how I too could have done better in the relationship. For my part I took the relationship and the love he did have for me for granted and bulldozed the relationship quite a bit as I had the stronger personality. Ultimately i dont think we would have lasted a lifetime anyway but now going through all the post-breakup feelings of loneliness and self-doubt I can only imagine how was feeling. Which he never deserved and which I regret deeply. My life has carried on superficially well as well...new friends, new travels and always busy...but the pain is still constant.

    I cant imagine what id do if i found out he had a new gf! So im amazed first of all at your rather positive attitude towards that.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Did you live together? How long were you engaged? It sounds like she wasn't the one or you weren't ready for the same things she wanted. It also sounds like you were taking her for granted, coasting along and she found company in the arms of another. Not that it's justified. It sounds like you have insight into where things fell apart so next time, you'll know not to take stuff out on someone and learn to cope with stress or work better.
    Originally Posted by Wolvesguy
    I asked several times if anything was wrong holding up our engagement but didn’t want it to feel pressured at all either with any deadline for a wedding (pretty chill with all that).

  4. #4
    We had been engaged for over a year, though I didn’t want to push anything too fast with the planning, as my ex wasn’t sure on what she wanted to do for wedding planning. I asked if anything was up with us, but trusted her when she’d say it wasn’t with us. We had been living together for around 3 1/2 years. Just sucks, as I’m 29, and just feel left with self esteem and trust issues that weren’t there before. Feels like a pretty long path to having a family that I always wanted, and it sucks because I was very much still in love.

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  6. #5
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    I've blamed myself a lot for how my relationship turned out in the end. But if someone doesn't communicate how they are feeling and let you know these things, how are you supposed to change them.

    Don't beat yourself up, it's hard I know but it takes two to make a relationship work. 5 years is a long time, but 29 is young, you've got plenty time to settle down.

    Take some time to get through this and enjoy being single a bit, get to know yourself a bit better and in time you'll meet someone else.

  7. #6
    Thanks for the solid advice regarding the communication. I've heard it from friends and family certainly as well, but I'm supposing it's just one of those things that takes time to take to heart. I agree that with some amount of communication (and again, asked if things were up with this engagement process stalling), I would've tried to address any issues in our relationship wholeheartedly. Doesn't absolve me of my flaws and not being better in some respects, but I guess I just fall into the category of people that believe long-term relationships take work, committment, and communication. It does kind of suck knowing she moved on pretty quickly to the next relationship, and I have no idea whether that's something serious or a band-aid to avoid dealing with her emotions/issues. She is overall pretty avoidant in dealing with any external/internal conflict, which I get. I tried dating some following all of this right away as a band-aid, but it all felt pretty hollow to me, and it didn't feel right to start any new relationships when I'm hung up on the last one. Appreciate all the advice people!


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