I feel i lost a great guy and want him back

I dated this guy for about a year... we got along really great and he fell for me from the beginning. I tried to set boundaries but eventually allowed him to contact me as often as he wanted to.. For the most part the relationship went well. He wanted eventually a full commitment and to live together (we are both in our 50's) and own our own homes. I wasn't ready for the full commitment of selling and moving in with him and stopped the relationship.. After about six weeks I contacted him because I missed him so much and we jumped back into the relationship full swing and continued on the same path. Now he has as son who has a drug addiction in his 30s that still lived with him and my children live with me. The drug addiction was getting worse so I said you need to get that situation straightened out andit will give me time to soul search...so he continued to contact me for a period of three months but we didnt' see each other and I didn't always return his calls.. I kept my distance I also had recommended to him that maybe he should date other women because he was so into me I felt that he didn't truly love me was just in love with the thought of being with me as I was the first women he dated after his wife passed away and he fell so hard and fast. Lately I have been feeling that I wanted to see him again so I reached out to see if he wanted to do something over the weekend and he said he had a date. I was like I would like to try and have a relationship with you again and his words your just interested now because I'm seeing someone else. But I had not known he was seeing someone when I reached out... He went on to say I'm not going back there with you again I'm not jumping back into this you are too quick to run. I really want to make it work with him.. His son is now in rehab and I think we could focus more on us but I'm scared now that I have lost him as I have technically hurt him twice now but want to redeem myself and make it right. He talks to me as a friend but whenever I try and say I want to spend time with him he won't allow it and continues on with I'm pretty sure I'm not going to want this again.. and your going to have to be ok with it.... I'm sorry that you hurt but you hurt me too... I have been devastated for days with high anxiety and not being able to eat. Would love some words of advice if you think there is a chance that he will want to be with me or if he has mentally moved on.

I don't understand why you broke up the first time? You could have continued to date and live in your own houses.

You have jerked this guy around several times. Leave him be, and find another guy you are ready to settle down with.

I think he's moved on and as much as you dont want to, you need to move on too.

I think he moved on because he can't trust you. You let him down. It seems you discarded him too easily. Maybe discard is a harsh word, but, not returning calls amounts to burning bridges. Your actions (telling him to date others, not returning calls) indicate you were quite prepared to lose him. I think it's too late now.

You have dragged him around long enough. I think if you cared at all, it's now time to leave him alone and let him be happy.

You can't expect people to sit around waiting for you while you jerk them around with your "I want to date you, no I don't, yes I do" games. He's had enough.

You may have lost a "great guy", but YOU did this with your selfish treatment.

Treat people better.

You have already lost him, OP. That ship sailed when you ended it, stayed distant and suggested he see other women.

He is wise to turn down your offer, to be perfectly honest. You need to fully let go of him so you can move on now. He's already in the process.

You can't expect people to sit around waiting for you while you jerk them around with your "I want to date you, no I don't, yes I do" games. He's had enough.

 

You may have lost a "great guy", but YOU did this with your selfish treatment.

 

Treat people better.

I totally agree with this. If I was that bloke I would think again to get to a woman who tells me to "date other women", does not return my calls, tells me my son has to get straightened with his drug addiction out. All this while she does some soul searching!?

Well excuse me. I m sorry......I m away to find someone wants me and doesn't want to loose me.

Sorry, but I don't think you have a chance. He's clearly moved on. The best thing you can do, is move on yourself. It's probably for the better. You didn't want to be there when things were bad. Why would he want you know that things are better? What if the son relapses and moves back home? Would you bolt again? These are questions he's probably asking himself. And no promise is going to change his mind. He's experienced your behaviour once. It's unfortunate, and I empathise. But I think it's over, and best to move on.

It wasn't a matter of not wanting to be there when things were bad.. I wanted to be there I gave him advice about his son.. He wouldn't let me know anything that was going on. He kept saying he's clean he's clean and I was trying to make him see that he wasn't so he was ignoring the situation. I was like you have to get him help or he will die/od and he was like if that's what happens so be it... He was totally distracted by me being in his life he wasn't paying attention to his own sons spiral downfall.. How do you think I would feel if I was there and we woke up and his son had Od'd and I tried to tell him but he wouldn't pay attention because I was the distraction. Plus if he wanted me to be a part of his life don't you think he would keep me informed of the situation at hand every day I would be like hows your son... I'm not talking about it with you is the response I would get. So did I do the wrong thing by backing out to make him realize that family is important.

It wasn't a matter of not wanting to be there when things were bad.. I wanted to be there I gave him advice about his son.. He wouldn't let me know anything that was going on. He kept saying he's clean he's clean and I was trying to make him see that he wasn't so he was ignoring the situation. I was like you have to get him help or he will die/od and he was like if that's what happens so be it... He was totally distracted by me being in his life he wasn't paying attention to his own sons spiral downfall.. How do you think I would feel if I was there and we woke up and his son had Od'd and I tried to tell him but he wouldn't pay attention because I was the distraction. Plus if he wanted me to be a part of his life don't you think he would keep me informed of the situation at hand every day I would be like hows your son... I'm not talking about it with you is the response I would get. So did I do the wrong thing by backing out to make him realize that family is important.

Sometimes you cant force your hand on another persons family life. I mean if you were wearing HIS shoes and the person you were dating kept on brown nosing in your own affairs. How would you feel? You are not his drug counsellor. You could have let him deal with it in his own way and respect it.

Asking him to date other women? That to me shows you didn't really like him enough in the first place to lose him.

The best idea now is to leave him and his son alone for now. If he wants to get back in touch with you then that up to him.

So did I do the wrong thing by backing out to make him realize that family is important.

Did your backing out achieve this? Just because B follows A, doesn't mean A caused B. Regardless, not of that explains..

I kept my distance I also had recommended to him that maybe he should date other women because he was so into me

I don't understand leaving someone because the are so into you. Even if it was well intended, I don't think it's a good strategy. Second guessing someone's feelings for us seems odd to me.

Unfortunately, he's right. This is between him and his son and it's a personal family issue. Your urging may have been well meant but it was in fact, butting in. Also you played a lot of games with him for whatever reason, breaking up, suggesting he date others (be careful what you wish for) not responding, etc.

He lost his wife and then his son was in dire straights and all you could offer were games? Sorry, it seems you weren't compatible and you needed too much in order to move forward. It's best to move on and find someone you don't need to rearrange in order to date.

I wanted to be there I gave him advice about his son.. if he wanted me to be a part of his life don't you think he would keep me informed of the situation at hand every day I would be like hows your son... I'm not talking about it with you is the response I would get.

I dated this guy for about a year... we got along really great and he fell for me from the beginning. I tried to set boundaries but eventually allowed him to contact me as often as he wanted to.. For the most part the relationship went well. He wanted eventually a full commitment and to live together (we are both in our 50's) and own our own homes. I wasn't ready for the full commitment of selling and moving in with him and stopped the relationship.. I also had recommended to him that maybe he should date other women because he was so into me I felt that he didn't truly love me was just in love with the thought of being with me as I was the first women he dated after his wife passed away and he fell so hard and fast. Would love some words of advice if you think there is a chance that he will want to be with me or if he has mentally moved on.

I see problems on both sides. Most respondents are jumping on you for how you acted, but I see issues on his end. Trying to entice you to live together after dating for only a year (with children involved) was crazy arrogant on his part.

You did the right thing by shutting it down (or at the very least, slow it down). You should have left it at that, but you screwed up by trying to reconnect (as though you were questioning your decision). There's too much focus on your actions, and not anything on his earlier actions. Some people see him as a "great guy". I don't think so. Move on from him, and let him reconnect in the future if he's interested, and is not trying to rush things.

Unfortunately, he's right. This is between him and his son and it's a personal family issue. Your urging may have been well meant but it was in fact, butting in. Also you played a lot of games with him for whatever reason, breaking up, suggesting he date others (be careful what you wish for) not responding, etc.

 

He lost his wife and then his son was in dire straights and all you could offer were games? Sorry, it seems you weren't compatible and you needed too much in order to move forward. It's best to move on and find someone you don't need to rearrange in order to date.

I think she was referencing the poster that jumped on her for not 'being there' for him while his son went through his drug addiction.

While I agree with the posters that you cant jerk people around, she would only be strengthening he codependent relationship between father and son if she supported him through his enabling.

But again I agree with everyone, you can want someone around when it's convienient.

I see problems on both sides. Most respondents are jumping on you for how you acted, but I see issues on his end. Trying to entice you to live together after dating for only a year (with children involved) was crazy arrogant on his part.

 

You did the right thing by shutting it down (or at the very least, slow it down). You should have left it at that, but you screwed up by trying to reconnect (as though you were questioning your decision). There's too much focus on your actions, and not anything on his earlier actions. Some people see him as a "great guy". I don't think so. Move on from him, and let him reconnect in the future if he's interested, and is not trying to rush things.

I partly agree with this. It's selfish to go back and forth with ones feelings but it's also selfish to demand someone share your life with them when their life's inches from the eye of the storm.

I appreciate your kind words everyone makes me feel ten time worse than what I already do and I was looking out for his best interest truthfully... Can you imagine the guilt I would have felt when he woke up and his son was dead because he refused to pay attention to it... I was just giving it time... not totally backing out and he took it to the extreme. Sometimes time is good..now he is asking for time and I understand totally... even has totally turned the tables where he is like you need to date so you are happy and I really don't want to date anyone because my heart is with him.. but I'm giving him the time he is requesting... because I respect him.

I'm sorry you feel 10 times as worse. However this is an advice forum and be prepared what you don't want to hear. I hope you feel better but in your earlier post you did mention you weren't ready for to move in with him and for more commitment. Are you ready for that now?

If you`re still not ready then you know your answer. Sometimes its a case of people wanting what they cant have. Focus on yourself and keep busy.

It's understandable that his son's issues come before dating. It sounds more like he wants to end things rather than "have time", since he's telling you to date other people so you can be happy. Go no contact and start dating others.

now he is asking for time and I understand totally... even has totally turned the tables where he is like you need to date so you are happy

I don't think your intentions are wrong, but how you did it might have been.

If he doesn't realize what you tried to do, maybe it was because of how you did it or how it came across. You wanted certain things (him realizing his son is addicted still and for him to date so that you weren't a rebound), which is commendable, but I'm not sure he saw it that way and say it jerking him back and forth.

You played the upper hand and the power card and now he is taking your advice and no longer needs you.

I'm sorry.