Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 20 of 20

Thread: I feel i lost a great guy and want him back

  1. #11
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Posts
    299
    Originally Posted by Cdil0420
    It wasn't a matter of not wanting to be there when things were bad.. I wanted to be there I gave him advice about his son.. He wouldn't let me know anything that was going on. He kept saying he's clean he's clean and I was trying to make him see that he wasn't so he was ignoring the situation. I was like you have to get him help or he will die/od and he was like if that's what happens so be it... He was totally distracted by me being in his life he wasn't paying attention to his own sons spiral downfall.. How do you think I would feel if I was there and we woke up and his son had Od'd and I tried to tell him but he wouldn't pay attention because I was the distraction. Plus if he wanted me to be a part of his life don't you think he would keep me informed of the situation at hand every day I would be like hows your son... I'm not talking about it with you is the response I would get. So did I do the wrong thing by backing out to make him realize that family is important.
    Sometimes you cant force your hand on another persons family life. I mean if you were wearing HIS shoes and the person you were dating kept on brown nosing in your own affairs. How would you feel? You are not his drug counsellor. You could have let him deal with it in his own way and respect it.
    Asking him to date other women? That to me shows you didn't really like him enough in the first place to lose him.

    The best idea now is to leave him and his son alone for now. If he wants to get back in touch with you then that up to him.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Age
    57
    Posts
    5,929
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Cdil0420
    So did I do the wrong thing by backing out to make him realize that family is important.
    Did your backing out achieve this? Just because B follows A, doesn't mean A caused B. Regardless, not of that explains..

    I kept my distance I also had recommended to him that maybe he should date other women because he was so into me
    I don't understand leaving someone because the are so into you. Even if it was well intended, I don't think it's a good strategy. Second guessing someone's feelings for us seems odd to me.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    33,273
    Gender
    Male
    Unfortunately, he's right. This is between him and his son and it's a personal family issue. Your urging may have been well meant but it was in fact, butting in. Also you played a lot of games with him for whatever reason, breaking up, suggesting he date others (be careful what you wish for) not responding, etc.

    He lost his wife and then his son was in dire straights and all you could offer were games? Sorry, it seems you weren't compatible and you needed too much in order to move forward. It's best to move on and find someone you don't need to rearrange in order to date.
    Originally Posted by Cdil0420
    I wanted to be there I gave him advice about his son.. if he wanted me to be a part of his life don't you think he would keep me informed of the situation at hand every day I would be like hows your son... I'm not talking about it with you is the response I would get.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    1,990
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by Cdil0420
    I dated this guy for about a year... we got along really great and he fell for me from the beginning. I tried to set boundaries but eventually allowed him to contact me as often as he wanted to.. For the most part the relationship went well. He wanted eventually a full commitment and to live together (we are both in our 50's) and own our own homes. I wasn't ready for the full commitment of selling and moving in with him and stopped the relationship.. I also had recommended to him that maybe he should date other women because he was so into me I felt that he didn't truly love me was just in love with the thought of being with me as I was the first women he dated after his wife passed away and he fell so hard and fast. Would love some words of advice if you think there is a chance that he will want to be with me or if he has mentally moved on.
    I see problems on both sides. Most respondents are jumping on you for how you acted, but I see issues on his end. Trying to entice you to live together after dating for only a year (with children involved) was crazy arrogant on his part.

    You did the right thing by shutting it down (or at the very least, slow it down). You should have left it at that, but you screwed up by trying to reconnect (as though you were questioning your decision). There's too much focus on your actions, and not anything on his earlier actions. Some people see him as a "great guy". I don't think so. Move on from him, and let him reconnect in the future if he's interested, and is not trying to rush things.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    4,202
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Unfortunately, he's right. This is between him and his son and it's a personal family issue. Your urging may have been well meant but it was in fact, butting in. Also you played a lot of games with him for whatever reason, breaking up, suggesting he date others (be careful what you wish for) not responding, etc.

    He lost his wife and then his son was in dire straights and all you could offer were games? Sorry, it seems you weren't compatible and you needed too much in order to move forward. It's best to move on and find someone you don't need to rearrange in order to date.
    I think she was referencing the poster that jumped on her for not 'being there' for him while his son went through his drug addiction.

    While I agree with the posters that you cant jerk people around, she would only be strengthening he codependent relationship between father and son if she supported him through his enabling.

    But again I agree with everyone, you can want someone around when it's convienient.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    4,202
    Originally Posted by SoulTaker
    I see problems on both sides. Most respondents are jumping on you for how you acted, but I see issues on his end. Trying to entice you to live together after dating for only a year (with children involved) was crazy arrogant on his part.

    You did the right thing by shutting it down (or at the very least, slow it down). You should have left it at that, but you screwed up by trying to reconnect (as though you were questioning your decision). There's too much focus on your actions, and not anything on his earlier actions. Some people see him as a "great guy". I don't think so. Move on from him, and let him reconnect in the future if he's interested, and is not trying to rush things.
    I partly agree with this. It's selfish to go back and forth with ones feelings but it's also selfish to demand someone share your life with them when their life's inches from the eye of the storm.

  8. #17
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2018
    Posts
    5
    I appreciate your kind words everyone makes me feel ten time worse than what I already do and I was looking out for his best interest truthfully... Can you imagine the guilt I would have felt when he woke up and his son was dead because he refused to pay attention to it... I was just giving it time... not totally backing out and he took it to the extreme. Sometimes time is good..now he is asking for time and I understand totally... even has totally turned the tables where he is like you need to date so you are happy and I really don't want to date anyone because my heart is with him.. but I'm giving him the time he is requesting... because I respect him.

  9. #18
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Posts
    299
    I'm sorry you feel 10 times as worse. However this is an advice forum and be prepared what you don't want to hear. I hope you feel better but in your earlier post you did mention you weren't ready for to move in with him and for more commitment. Are you ready for that now?

    If you`re still not ready then you know your answer. Sometimes its a case of people wanting what they cant have. Focus on yourself and keep busy.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    33,273
    Gender
    Male
    It's understandable that his son's issues come before dating. It sounds more like he wants to end things rather than "have time", since he's telling you to date other people so you can be happy. Go no contact and start dating others.
    Originally Posted by Cdil0420
    now he is asking for time and I understand totally... even has totally turned the tables where he is like you need to date so you are happy

  11. #20
    Gold Member Johnny Utah's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Location
    Toronto, Ontario
    Age
    40
    Posts
    634
    Gender
    Male
    I don't think your intentions are wrong, but how you did it might have been.

    If he doesn't realize what you tried to do, maybe it was because of how you did it or how it came across. You wanted certain things (him realizing his son is addicted still and for him to date so that you weren't a rebound), which is commendable, but I'm not sure he saw it that way and say it jerking him back and forth.

    You played the upper hand and the power card and now he is taking your advice and no longer needs you.

    I'm sorry.

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •