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Thread: Not sure where to post this....

  1. #1
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    Not sure where to post this....

    I was not sure where to post my story.... it hits a lot of different aspects.... alcoholism, infidelity, long-term relationship, age gap, so many different things!

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 8.5 years. He is 13 years older than me and is an active, functional alcoholic.

    Iíve really been frustrated with the drinking lately. Iíve told him how it makes me feel when he drinks....he doesnít seem to care.

    Today, I made him talk to me (he is usually extremely closed off about his feelings and emotions.)

    He feels like he is a bum. I asked him why he feels that way. He used to make a lot more money than he does now. His ex-fiancť left his finances in shambles. He got a couple of DUIs, lost his CDL license because of it. He has no license...he hasnít for the entire time we have been together. He hates being dependent on me. He feels like his life is ruined. He loved driving truck and hates his current job.

    I just donít know how to help him see himself as I see him. He is not a bum. True, his life isnít as he pictured it. Stuff happens. Itís what we make of it that matters. But he keeps drinking and drinking and drinking.

    I love this man. I want to help him so badly. How can I help him see himself as the man I see and not the bum he thinks he is?

    We have a nice life together....we bought a house, have 3 dogs...Iím proud of the life we are building, but he doesnít seem to be.

    My heart breaks for him.

    I have strongly suggested counseling. AA didnít work for him in the past, so I have been telling him there are other options out there. It being more than the alcohol, I really think counseling would help..

    Any thoughts?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    Im sorry but you cant help him, he has to help himself. He has to want to change his situation. Going to councelling isnt going to help him if he is only going to please you.
    Does he want to stop drinking? Until he deals with this issue nothing else can be fixed.

    If he has been this way since you met him, and have bought a house with him, then you have been condoning his drinking for the 8.5 years. You really cant expect him to miraculously change now that it is frsutrating you.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Unfortunately, alcoholics will not get better until they are ready to and want to.

    You can't force it and until he wants help and wants to turn his life around, nothing will change.

    It truly is up to him and he must make that decision.

  4. #4
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    Yes, I agree with the comments.

    My ex housemate was/is an alcoholic, even his mum was messaging concerned about him. He used to lie about allsorts, money used to go missing... then debt collectors showed up at the door.

    Its a downward spiral that no one can stop, I don't think they can till they hit rock bottom. He moved out after I confronted him and I couldn't take it anymore...

    He would come in drunk all the time but still get up for work... I don't know how he held a job down... he also lost his licence for his car.

    They won't change till they need to/ till you remove the crutches. You supporting his alcoholic tendencies is doing no one any favours. He needs to handle it and get help and he won't till the crutches are removed, you may need to go tough love.

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  6. #5
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    Where does infidelity come into the story?

  7. #6
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    Do you drive him around? Did you (and do you still) pay for the house?

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by jellybean2018
    Where does infidelity come into the story?

    He recently was texting a woman from work (we all work in the same building). I saw every single message. There were pictures involved. Nothing happened physically, but the messages were bad enough.

  9. #8
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    I do. And yes, the house is in my name only, so I pay for it.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Follower8705
    I do. And yes, the house is in my name only, so I pay for it.
    Who buys his booze?

  11. #10
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    Hmmmmm too many red flags dear. You deserve better. Im afraid he will not change any time soon and youre not helping him by being an emotional crutch. How does he afford the drink?

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