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What am I supposed to do?


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Hello,

 

Me and my fiancee are in a relationship for over 3 years, we know each other for almost 7. We have been through quite a lot of challenges together in all these years, but in the last few months I feel things have changed for the bad.

 

We are a biracial couple, and even if we are grown ups at 25 yo, our families have tried to keep us apart. Both our families never approved of our relation, due to (wrong) stereotypes judgement and different skin color. We kept our relation a secret as long as we could, but when our parents found out all the problems started...My fiancee was living by himself in a hostel room when we started dating, his family working in a different country, I was living with my parents and finishing my Bachelors exam. As soon as I passed my exam, I left my parents that were having arguments day and night about how wrong I chose my partner, I took my bags and left them.

 

I was working 2 jobs for a while and my fiancee was getting his Bachelors too, but we lived together for 1 year in a hostel room, without anyone knowing. We had money from his parents that had no idea I was living with their son. Everything was pretty much good, we were poor but happy, but then we went for 2 weeks to visit his parents. I haven t traveled that much so I was very excited for that and I was really looking forward to meet his parents. I knew his mother would like a "good house wife" for her son, to know how to cook and clean, and that is exactly the kind of woman that I am. The problem was, his parents were very 2 faced with me....in my face they were very nice, warm and open, we would chit chat and joke around. When i'd leave the room, they would talk bad about me to my fiancee. After that vacation was over, his parents would call and tell my fiancee that i am not good enough for him, because I am from a different country so automatically I am a bad person...

 

After we came back from that vacation, 2 weeks in which I didn't get to visit anything that I personally wanted, my fiancee has changed. We had fights about me changing my religion if I wanted to marry him, all of a sudden this topic came up, he was imposing for his parents to live with us after we get married. His mother doesn't like that I am a bit chubby, so now my fiancee actually said "i will not marry you until you get to 70 kg". It broke my heart, but i accepted...One day we had an argument and I busted out that I wanted juts us to live together after marriage and he said "there is no use to continue this relationship then" so I packed my bags and left him.

 

When ever we argue, he is very apologetic when other people are looking, but when it's the 2 of us alone he males me feel like I am doing all the wrong.

 

We somehow got over those arguments and time came that he graduated and had to leave the country. His permit was expiring very soon and he did;t had time to get a job. He also missed his admission to a Masters program. He was going to go to his parents for 1 year and then i was supposed to join him for Masters. i couldn't leave with him in the first place because we didn't had enough money, as my jobs were very underpaid, and his parents hated me so they wouldn't help us at all. I asked my fiancee to stay 1 year with me, and they we leave together, he refused. I asked him to get married in a small ceremony, he refused.

 

He has spend 1 year jobless in another country, but having everything that he wanted,close to his parents, while I was completely alone in our hostel room, mopping floors for a living, even if I have a Bachelors in Engineering. I ve put my Masters studies on pause, I ve put my life on complete pause, left behind my parents and few friends for him to get on his path. in this time his parents got to him, and he actually was trying to push me away and hurt me behaving miserably because his mother was considering me a theat to her son;s diploma. we were sneaking around, speaking when we were alone, so no one would know. He was so afraid of his parents and worried about not getting his diploma that he chose to hurt me. I never forgave him for that.

 

When he confessed what was happening behind my back, he also asked for me to wait until he graduated and got a job, so no one can say anything about us anymore. The job part is not going that good tho...I cannot come to his graduation because his parents hate me, his sister took out my picture from his wallet and threw it away...

 

I ve reached the low point in which I am very worried about my future. I feel like I've completely lost myself in this relationship and I m worried about my life if we do indeed get married. There are many things I want, but my fiancee doesn't. I have sacrificed so very much for him, and for the marriage that I want with him and I am afraid that will simply not happen...

 

I ve recently discovered I have health issues, from all the worries, sleepless nights, arguments that we have. I told him this is happening because he left and his mother is controlling him and then he lost it completely. He called me bad names and took his mother's defense immediately, we had a very huge argument in which I was pointed out to be the bad person...

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I only skimmed until I got to the middle. When I read that he wants you to lose so many pounds before marrying you and that he'd want his parents to live with you both if you married, those are both deal breakers for any self respecting, intelligent person who possesses self-love. It's better to be single instead of choosing this personal hell.

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okay -- i don't think this is truly a case where your parents do not like the color of his skin.

 

If you were my daughter and you hid a relationship with a man for a long time, I would not only be upset but i would suspect you hid it for a reason (that it was not a healthy relationship). I can see not introducing someone unless you are sure you want to date him, but living in a HOSTEL for a year... I would assume he is an abusive man who is trying to isolate you. Parents have a way of getting over things like skin color, but they do not get over abuse or being concerned about their child being with someone of a radically different culture and way of life. So, stop blaming mom and dad. Know that they truly love you and in this case, mom and dad know best.

 

I think that you should cut ties with this man and address your health issues. If you feel weak - like you will run right back to them - see if you can live with your parents or a good friend temporarily so they can hold you accountable

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Wow, what a wall of text and quite a story.

 

It's pretty clear from what you wrote that the two of you have deep compatibility issues on almost every major front. Let this relationship go for your health and sanity! Work on finding a man who accepts you and will at the very least honor your relationship by defending you if his family members put you down (though finding a person whose family loves you would be even better!)

 

It's scary to break up and move on, but judging from your deteriorating health, things can't get any worse for you than they already are.

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I've been in several abusuve relationships, two which were marriages, and honey you desperately need to get away from him and not look back. Not only is he abusive and controlling but his family sounds that way as well. You say you have health issues, well after 25 years of being in abusive marriages I have over 20 medical conditions...which my specialists say, the abuse caused them. So I can't work, go anywhere or enjoy my grandkids because of being with those horrible, narcissistic men. You sound like such a sweet person, please don't stay with a man who is not worthy of you.

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